Chapter 10
Jonah
I was wasting away yet another evening on the couch in the apartment, sinking into the cushions and letting my face weigh my head down to one side, ignoring the crick it gave me. My sweatpants and T-shirt fell loosely over me as if my body weren’t even inside of them at all, as if they were simply strewn across the furniture. Oli and June were behind me in the kitchen making something to eat. I had no appetite.
Kai hadn’t texted me back in an entire day, and I wasn’t happy about it. Not that I needed her to tend to me at all hours or anything, but I thought that since she broke up with Javi last month, she might go back to being a little more present. If anything, she just receded into herself even more.
I couldn’t blame her, really. It’s just that I was having a particularly bad day, and my particularly obnoxious ex as of three weeks ago, Caroline, was particularly being a total pain in my ass. Per usual.
Caroline didn’t like Valentine’s Day. That’s what she told me. That was the excuse to blow me off that day, and it didn’t take long for me to catch on to what she was actually doing.
Whatever. She just didn’t have to waste so much of my fucking time and energy in the process. Six months. Six whole months with her that I’d never get back.
Kai told me to get out there. She told me to open up and meet people. So, I did. And for what? To live my life exactly the same as before, but with someone sending me passive-aggressive text messages all day?
I’m sorry.
Please talk to me.
I love you.
No, she didn’t, and neither did I.
Let’s just talk this out.
Fine.
Whatever.
Give up on me then.
Fuck you.
Oh my god. It was fucking exhausting.
I even tried to convince myself that my love for Kai was just a childish infatuation at one point, that it was just some weird possessive attachment I had since I found it difficult to relate to others. I told myself that if I tried a real relationship, if I actually gave someone a chance, I might learn a thing or two. The only thing I learned was that taking such stupid chances on people is not for me.
My phone chimed. It wasn’t Kai. I threw it across the room to the opposite couch and dragged my hands down my face as it bounced onto the floor.
I tried, Kai. Okay? I did what you wanted. I fucking tried.
A deep voice sounded behind me in the kitchen. “Jonah, man.”
Fuck you, Oli. “Yes, Oli?”
Before he could answer, the doorbell rang. I immediately crunched my fingers in front of me in reaction, clawing at the air. The sound and the irritation it provoked in me physically hurt. I stood from my sinking position and moved to the phone by the door, grumbling the whole way. “I swear to fucking god, if that’s her… If that’s fucking Caroline…” I snatched the phone from its position. “Hello.” My greeting was not a question. There was no hint of curiosity in it. The person on the other end needed to know that I did not give a shit who they were, especially if they were Caroline.
“Jojo?”
My fingers loosened immediately when I heard the squeaky voice come through the line. I slammed the phone down in its place and laid heavily on the buzzer to open the front entrance of the building. My sock-covered feet practically put me flat on my ass as I swung out the apartment door, but I continued trampling down the wooden stairs. Oli and June ran after me, calling my name.
When I emerged from the stairway, my beautiful Kai was standing at the front entrance with a suitcase placed next to her, her arms reaching out in front of her and her feet inching toward me. She was crying.
Why is she crying?
A pathetic whimper left my throat when I got close enough to take in the expression on her face, and I wasted no time in tangling her in my arms. She buried her hot, wet sniffles in my shoulder, wailing into my T-shirt and shaking in my hold. I cherished those shudders, though they made my heart twist. Cherished her presence.
“I’m sorry,” she said. Her lungs pulled in a string of short, quick breaths. “I didn’t know what to do and I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” I whispered as a thump of pressure behind me let me know that Oli and June had wrapped themselves around us. “I’m so happy you’re here.”
It honestly couldn’t have been more perfect. I needed her here with me. It seemed she needed us too, or she wouldn’t have shown up in such a way. I was determined to figure out what was going on with her, but first, we had to get upstairs.
Signaling with my chin, I asked Oli to grab the suitcase so I could carry Kai up. I didn’t want to let her go for even a moment. I sat her on my hip, and she bunched my T-shirt into little fists as she clawed into me.
She remained hidden in my shoulder until we stepped into the apartment, at which point she lifted her head. I pressed my fingers to her temple and wiped my thumb across her teary cheek to dry her off. In return, she leaned back down to wipe her runny nose on my shoulder, using my T-shirt sleeve as a tissue.
“Cool. Thanks, Kai.”
She let out a goofy hum and wriggled herself down from me. Upon planting her feet, she looked out across our living room in absolute awe. I wasn’t sure why. It was nothing more than an open area with a kitchen and an island of black stone to the left and some gray couches and a TV in front of it, constituting a living room area to the right. The walls were white and chalky like zolpidem and the curtains around the window of the living room area were but wisps of a similar color. It was nice, sure, but nothing to gawk at.
“This place is amazing,” she said. “Two couches and a loveseat? There aren’t even enough butts living in this house to fill all that furniture. My place is only 30 meters squared.” Whatever that meant.
I looked at the three pieces of furniture that crowded the coffee table in front of the TV, separating the living room side from the kitchen side. I then looked back down at her. The poor thing was so easy to please. Not that I judged her for it. I loved her for it, but others seemed to take advantage.
The attention I maintained on Kai was broken when I noticed June clinking around in the white cabinets to the left. She pulled out a bottle of wine and flashed it at Kai, who immediately placed her pointer finger on her puffy nose and then directed it back to June. Some secret girl code that meant they were on the same page about getting drunk.
I stood behind Kai and clasped my fingers around her wrist. I finally got my best friend back and June was already stealing her away.
“Let’s get you a shower first,” I said.
“?Por qué no los dos?” June asked, imitating the Old El Paso Taco Girl. Why not both?
It seemed Oli was in on the fun as well because upon returning from leaving Kai’s suitcase in my room, he grabbed four glasses from the cupboard. “Woohoo! Bathroom meeting!”
I sighed. Fine.
“Wait, but hold on,” Kai said urgently, placing her hand in the air and stopping everyone in their tracks. “I need to say something first.” My heart rate shot up. Not that it had been even remotely steady in the last ten minutes. Or the last ten years, for that matter. I inspected her over her shoulder as she paused and sucked up a large sniffle. “Uhm…” Then, she pointed her thumb backward at me. “When did Skrillex move in?”
Oli and June practically fell to the floor with laughter as I chewed back my smile. Kai’s swollen face turned to me with a new grin.
My hair. My fucking hair. It was a bet, okay? And I hated myself enough to let it happen. Long story short, my black hair was shaved on one side as of last night. Apparently, Kai hadn’t seen the group chat filled with pictures of Oli dragging his beard trimmer over my scalp. Though, come to think of it, she’d probably been on a plane. Suddenly, I felt like an asshole for being upset that she hadn’t texted me back.
“He lost three straight games of Scrabble!” Oli stuck a teasing finger out at me. “It was best three out of five. We bet either his hair or my beard.”
“Ew!” Kai’s face twisted. “I much prefer this version of Jonah than that version of Oli.”
“Right?” June asked. “That’s what I said!”
Oli flicked June’s shoulder, and she giggled.
Kai crossed her arms and looked at all of us with a wrinkled brow. “What I’d really like to know is what the fuck you losers are doing playing Scrabble for fun.”
“All right,” I said, scooping her up in my arms and ending the conversation right there. “That’s enough outta you.”
A yelp escaped her as I lifted her like a true damsel in distress, slo-mo lifeguard style. Right on cue, sarcastic, minxy Kai emerged through her snotty sniffles, weaving her fingers through my hair. “Oh, but it’s not. It’s so sexy, so edgy! Jonah, it’s like you actually have a personality now!” She turned herself in my grasp, hanging on me like a monkey and making it difficult for me to keep hold, but I did. We wrestled with each other as I carried her down the hall.
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s get you cleaned up. You smell like airplane.”
We entered my room, and I moved straight to the bed to toss her on it. I was on my way to lean over and mess up her ponytail, but she must’ve caught on because her knees bumped me as she kicked off her shoes. She planted her feet on my chest, and I grabbed her ankles, gaining the upper hand and pushing her legs to one side. She’d nearly always won our wrestling matches as kids, but I was older and taller now, and I wanted to beat her.
Before I could, she called a truce. “I do like it though!”
I accepted her declaration, deciding I’d win another time, releasing her, and falling on the bed to her right. “Yeah?”
“Mhm.” She nodded happily. “You know, it’s not easy to pull off, but you do.”
That wasn’t so bad to hear. It was in no way my first choice of haircut but, truth be told, it did sort of fit the aesthetic. That didn’t mean I was happy about it though.
“Yeah, I can’t wait for the year of regrowth.”
“Who would notice, Jo?” She lifted her eyebrows. “Oli and June? The four walls of your bedroom?”
“Don’t be rude or I’ll shave it all off.” I gave her a very serious look to punctuate my very real threat. “Then I’ll be even scarier and I really won’t make any friends.”
“Scary? You’re nothing but a big softie with a sharp glare and self-destructive tendencies. We all know that.” She crossed her arms at me from her horizontal position.
I rolled my eyes and signaled to the rest of the room. “So, what do you think?”
She ignored my changing of the subject and continued to tease me, lifting her fingers to the short side of my hair and rubbing the fuzz. “I think you’re almost kind of sexy this way.”
Fuck. I wanted to grab that girl, toss her up to the head of my bed, and wipe that grin right off her face. Her teasing was cute when we were kids, but we’d grown and, as we did, it simply became torture. One day I’d learn to bite back for real, but not yet. For the time being, sarcasm did the trick.
“I know that, but I meant the room.”
She surrendered and looked around. While I wasn’t as awestruck as she was about it, I had to admit, my room was pretty cool. The walls were a calm, pale green which, again, was not my first choice, but it was comfortable. It was a long rectangle with my bed lining one short end, and the door and closet at the other. On the left wall sat a futon, and on the right wall, directly in front of it, was my desk. There was plenty of space for my monitor, laptop, speakers, and all the gear we needed. What I was most pleased about was that there were no clothes piled on the ground for her to see, though my hamper was damn near bursting. Still, it was progress.
“I love it,” she said, turning her line of vision back to me. Good. I hoped she’d be staying here a lot more often, if not forever. The futon was hers, only because I knew she’d refuse to displace me from my bed, and I was determined to make her as content as possible so she’d never want to leave.
Selfish, I know. But what was a boy to do?
I pushed myself up from my seat and made my way to the closet. “All right, you. Shower. Do you need a T-shirt?”
She stood as well. “Oh, I don’t want the clingy clothes today. I want to feel the water.”
That meant she was overwhelmed, not sad. My first hint at what might’ve been going on. I turned around to look at her. “You know we’re all coming in there.”
Her cinnamon eyes widened sweetly. “It’s just a body, Jojo. It’s not like you’ve never seen one before.”
My mouth practically dropped open, but I mustered enough strength to let it fall only about a millimeter. She just stood there staring at me as if she hadn’t said anything out of pocket, as if she was completely serious.
Was this like…a healing thing? Nudity? Was it some kind of new kick she was on? I mean, no judgment. It would’ve been totally cool if she was…
“I’m just kiddin’!” she finally said, breaking the odd tension between us. She giggled and waved her hand down at me. Oh, that girl had it coming. One day. She had it coming. “I’ve got a bathing suit, you creep.”
She pulled a handful of red strings from the top of her suitcase. What she considered to be a bathing suit was hardly less intimidating than the image I’d had in my mind just moments ago when she implied she’d go naked. I cleared my throat and forced myself to get a grip.
“Go on, then.” I flicked my head toward the door. “You’ve got five minutes to wash up and put that on and we’re coming in.”
“Yeah, yeah.” She bounced out of the room.
To pass the five minutes I had before we barged in on her, I unfolded the futon and began making it up with sheets and an extra pillow from my bed. Fuck, how I wished I didn’t have a fucking futon. Or a couch. Or a floor. Or any other place that she could hypothetically sleep apart from my bed. Not that I’d ever make her sleep on the floor, but...you get what I mean.
We slept together all the time when we were kids. Oli too, though he was always less excited about it. It wasn’t surprising. He was much more independent, plus he required more space due to his stature. But Kai and I liked it.
While she was definitely teasing me and I promised myself she would pay for it one day, tonight I just wanted to sleep with her to be close like we used to. I didn’t know how long she’d be with me, and I didn’t want to let her out of my sight while I had her.
When I finally exited my room, I found Oli and June already waiting excitedly by the bathroom door. And I thought I was creepy. I stalled them for a few more minutes as I went to the kitchen and scooped a glob of peanut butter into a ramekin. I covered it in chocolate chips, made sure it was all mixed in, and returned to my friends.
“That’s five minutes!” I shouted through the bathroom door. “We’re coming in!”
The three of us entered the steamy room to find Kai sprawled in the tub like a mermaid, leaning on the edge with the shower curtain pushed to one side. She was entirely soaked, forearms stacked on the edge with her chin atop her flat hands. It was difficult not to dwell on the perfect slope of her body, her curves gliding gently downward from the top of her head to her painted toes.
I took my seat on the closed toilet and handed her the ramekin, watching as her face lit up when she saw it.
“You’re the best,” she whispered, reaching out to take it. The tub squeaked beneath her as she shifted into a more comfortable position for eating and chatting.
June’s voice sounded from outside my line of vision. “So, what’s up, Kai? What brings you to this side of the pond?”
I observed my mermaid friend who was sucking on a peanut butter-covered spoon. She pressed her foot into the plug under the spout to let the shower water collect and form a bath as she shrugged. “Nothin’.”
“Yeah, that’s tough,” Oli said from his seat atop the sink counter, nodding his burly head.
Kai made a grumpy face. “It’s just too much,” she clarified. “School wants all my time, work wants all my time, dance class wants all my time. I want time to go to the gym. The math doesn’t add up. There aren’t that many hours in a day, and I just wanted to get away, that’s all.”
“What are you going to do about classes?” I asked. “You’ll get your work sent to you and make sure it’s all finished, right?” Maybe if she could handle it from our place, she could stay for the rest of the school year.
“I’ll tell them I had a family emergency and I’ll be back next week.”
“So, you’re leaving in a week?”
“Maybe. I dunno.”
“Will you work for your clients from here?” She could manage their social media accounts from anywhere. Yet another reason to stay here.
“Yes, Jojo.”
“Are you just skipping dance classes flat out?” If she didn’t want to take them anymore, she could just stay—
She groaned loudly, informing me that she thought I was the most annoying person on the face of the planet.
“Kai…”
She tutted and furrowed her eyebrows as she continued to eat the mess of peanut butter and chocolate. The movement almost seemed robotic. A programmed reaction that she’d learned to execute after so many years of being around me. I couldn’t explain what it was, but upon seeing her perform that gesture, I noticed it. Something was missing in those eyes. Something heavier than the tearful hug she’d given me downstairs. Something more severe than this surprise visit. Something I couldn’t quite pin.
I just dropped my shoulders and bumped down to sit on the floor, pressing my back to the edge of the tub where she was leaning. “Sorry.” I was well aware of how obnoxious I was when it came to Kai’s whereabouts, unfortunately.
She dropped her doused hair on my shoulder, soaking my snotty T-shirt as she nuzzled in. I knew this was my revenge for all the questions, but I didn’t care. The fact that she was here was enough for me, so I leaned my cheek on her sopping head.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said quietly.
I didn’t answer. There was something else going on that she wasn’t telling me, and I had a pretty good idea of what—who—it was.
After a few quiet moments, she set the empty ramekin on the floor and lifted herself to stand from the full tub. I watched her as she twisted the nozzle to turn off the shower, my attention getting stuck on the water streaming down her backside. It fell from her hair, over her ass, and down her legs in various enticing drops. As it turns out, I didn’t have any complaints about those strings she considered a bathing suit after all. I glanced at Oli and June, widening my eyes. They both bit their tongues.
Kai disappeared behind me as she settled back in, but I quickly felt her wet arms hug around my shoulders, soaking me even more. This time, my eyes went as flat as the horizon and my lips just as straight. I was drenched through to the bone.
“Get in here, you two,” she said, encouraging June and Oli to join us.
“Yeah, no thanks,” Oli answered. “We don’t need to snuggle with our friends. We’re in a relationship.” He said the last word as if Kai and I had never heard of it before.
“So is Jonah,” Kai said. I ignored that comment, and Oli gave me an apologetic look.
“Oli, don’t encourage Kai, please,” I said, lifting my hand in the air. “The last thing she needs is another failed relationship. It’s much bet—”
I heard a sharp gasp followed by a rush of water under Kai’s abrupt movement to stand. It didn’t take long before her wet body was carefully stepping out of the tub to lean over me and wrestle me down for my last statement.
“It’s much better this way!” I giggled, continuing my sentence from beneath her efforts. She kneeled into me to keep me down on the floor as our arms pushed against each other, but I had the upper hand. She could hardly keep her footing on the tiles. I launched up to stand, running to my room with a head start.
“That’s not fair! I’m gonna slip and fall!” she whined at my back.
Her wet feet slapped behind me until they suddenly stopped, undoubtedly because she had stepped onto the carpet of my room. Too late. I was already at the base. I’d finally beat her.
My hand wrapped around my black, metal bed frame, and I turned to smirk at her, revelling in my victory. She put her hands on her hips and ran her bottom lip under her teeth. I couldn’t quite decipher the look on her face as she approached me slowly, but whatever it was, mixed with the wet hair and the wet bikini, really did not bode well for me.
“Suddenly, I’m feeling kind of tired,” she said, her voice unfairly sultry. She bent over and placed her palms on my sheets. “Maybe I’ll just…” Her knee lifted and propped itself up on the mattress. I did my best to ignore how she looked in that position.
I had two options. Either I could grab her soaking wet, mostly naked body, and carry her back to the bathroom—I shuddered—or I could let her get into my bed and soak the whole thing, leaving me without a comfortable place to sleep tonight. Except…the futon. Hmm. It actually didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
Still, I opted for the first choice.
I placed myself behind her, wrapping one arm around her stomach and using the other to fold her knees over, soaking my entire front. She kicked her feet, laughing and fussing as I carried her back and placed her in the tub.
“Who won?” Oli asked.
“Don’t be silly, Oli. You know I did,” Kai said, retaking her lateral position in the water.
I sat back down on the toilet and corrected her claim. “She did not. I tagged the bedpost first.”
“Nope. Doesn’t count because you cheated.”
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
I lifted my pointer finger at her and raised my eyebrows to let her know I was getting serious. She gave me the most adorable cock-headed look in return, but I held my ground. Her eyes finally rolled in surrender, and for only a moment, everything was like it used to be.
Suddenly, a loud ringing began echoing off the tiled walls. Kai jumped at the noise, clutching a hand to her chest as she sucked in a gasp. Her blaring phone sat at the corner of the sink counter just next to me.
“It’s just your dad,” I said, checking the screen, suspicious yet calm in response to her reaction. “Do they know you’re here?”
She shook her head, her hand dampening some soundless calamity inside her chest.
“I got it.” Not only did she suddenly seem terrified and therefore in no mood to talk to anyone, but she wouldn’t tell her parents where she was if she picked up. She wouldn’t know how to. The conversation would probably go on for ten minutes without a single mention of her whereabouts.
“Oh, come on, Jo. I’m not a kid. I can do it.” She reached her hand out for me to pass the phone.
“Kai, you ran away from home to take a bath on a different continent. I got it.” Her face melted into a sheepish pout as I grabbed the phone and answered. “Hey, Paolo.” I stretched my legs in front of me and crossed my right foot over my left.
“What’s happening, my Jonah?” her father asked, recognizing my voice instantly.
I smiled at that. “Good. I’m good. You?”
“Very good.”
“I’m glad. Look, I have someone here with me you should talk to.” I glanced at Kai and clicked the speaker button, holding the device face up to the bathroom ceiling.
Kai projected from her position in the tub, hanging on the white rim with her head in her head. “Hola, papi.”
Paolo did not catch on to the situation. Not even a little. From what I understood, he answered her enthusiastically, in Spanish, saying hello and asking what she was up to. I genuinely thought he wasn’t going to realize at all until a woman’s voice sounded from the background.
“?Kailyn Tamara Vitale Azuaje!”
Kai’s eyes shot to mine, and I had half a mind to tease her. She was so in for it.
“Hola, mami.”
Her mom muttered something to her father before clicking her tongue, sighing and, I believe, clarifying that Kai was obviously not in Madrid if I was the one who answered the phone.
The line went silent for a moment until Paolo’s voice came through once again. “Aaaa.” He understood. He then proceeded to ask Kai what the weather was like in California and if they’d finally put a stop sign up at the intersection by their old house. Kai lifted one hand to bury half her face and laughed.
I knew he was just happy she was here with us. He’d expressed his opinion several times before; really anytime one of my video calls with Kai aligned with a visit to her parents’ house. Paolo believed Kai should start thinking about getting back to California for good, and I agreed.
María, Kai’s mom, always said Kai needed more time and that she wouldn’t leave until she graduated at least. Sometimes, she would take the phone while Kai and I were talking and bring me to a private room where she’d tell me not to worry, that she would come when she was ready.
I desperately hoped she was right.
◆◆◆
By bedtime, all my dreams came true. For the second time tonight. As I pushed into my covers, Kai sat on the pathetically prepared futon, giving me that sticky-sweet look. She wanted something. I just stared back at her until she took it.
In an instant, she scattered from her seated position and squeezed herself into my bed, forcing me back toward the wall and wrapping herself tightly in my sheets. “Just for a bit. Then I’ll leave you alone.”
I prayed she never would. “You’re welcome here anytime.”
She looked down at the pillow, picking at the loose pillowcase with her fingers. Having her here, up close, was everything to me. Gratitude wrapped my heart as I traced the line of her jaw with my gaze, as I caught the slight flutter in her lashes as she blinked. Every detail was monumental, rare, and precious. It’s hard to describe exactly what distance feels like, but it’s very heavy and very painful. Closeness becomes a miracle amid the constant agony. So, her presence in my room swept over me like the sweetest and most needed gift.
“All I ever think about is this,” she said. My heart swelled in my chest. It was all I ever thought about too. “Every day, I sit in my room, or in class, or wherever I am, and I daydream about being here with you guys.” Me too, Kai. “Some days it’s, like, unbearable. It’s this really intense feeling, and it’s so frustrating. I just want everything to be in one place, you know?” She laughed to herself, though I found no humor in what she said. I related to it more than I cared to admit aloud.
“One day, you’ll have everything you want. I’ll make sure of it.”
Her eyes flicked up to me skeptically. She was about to make fun of me in three…two… “I bet your acquaintances would never believe you could be so generous.”
“No. I’m not sure they’d believe I even know how to speak. My generosity is not for everyone.”
She sighed, nearing her cheek to my shoulder as I shifted to lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. “You poor fool. So picky yet you care for a copy-paste cyborg like me.”
I thought she was anything but, though she’d never believe it coming from my mouth.
“Can I tell you a secret?” I asked. She nodded into my shoulder bone. “Every person on this planet is a copy-paste cyborg. You just happen to be my favorite one.”
She pulled in a quick, sarcastic gasp. “Every person? Even you?”
“Bee boop bop bee,” I said robotically.
She groaned. “Oh, Jonah. That was hardly funny. You must’ve lost half your humor along with the right side of your hair. But don’t worry, it’ll grow back.”
A genuine chuckle sounded at the back of my throat, shooting up to the ceiling above. “I offer you my home and this is how I’m treated? I can’t believe you came all this way just to insult me. Where’d you find the money for a ticket anyway?” I knew she’d picked up a few virtual clients since quitting nightlife, completing random projects for them and helping them manage their social media accounts and such. But that was only a month ago, and money had always been a sensitive topic with Kai.
She giggled. “I have lots more hours for clients now that I have nights off. They pay better. It’ll be tight until my next payout, but totally worth it.”
The conversation paused for a long moment. She quit working at the bar when everything happened with Javi, and I had hoped that meant she might give herself a break. But, from the sound of it, she just worked herself right into overwhelm. I knew she was making a true effort for herself, but I hated to hear she was still living paycheck to paycheck. Especially while Oli, Noah, and I earned more and more each day. Surprisingly, people actually seemed to like the music we made.
Before my next words, I did a silent prayer to the universe that this time, my pleas might actually work. That she might see that she could be happier here, that she could have so much opportunity. “Move in with me, Kai. With us.”
I couldn’t see her, but the silence let me know exactly what she was doing. Her smile had probably dropped just a smidge and her eyebrows probably loosened. I could feel her temple nudge into my shoulder like a cat kneading into its sleeping spot. She wasn’t going to answer. She didn’t really need to.
“Will you please think about it?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’ll think about it.” She wouldn’t.
She turned and clicked off the reading light on my nightstand, decidedly squishing herself into my bed to sleep. In the dark, I turned back toward her, the sheets sliding over my knuckles as my hand searched for a hug. I found her tricep stacked delicately on her side. The moment my fingertips reached her skin, a shock ran through her body, and my ears caught the faintest sound of a protest. I snapped my hand back to my torso quickly.
She flinched. She fucking flinched. My heart began to crack as a string of apologies followed her previous whimper.
“Oh, Jonah, I’m so sorry.” She took my hand and dragged it back to her body, attempting to cover her quick reaction. “Please. I’m so sorry. Here.” She wrapped herself in me and nudged closer.
I hardly reacted. She was just tugging at my limp extremities, and I did nothing to help her. I couldn’t. I hated this feeling. This feeling of knowing that someone I loved so much was inevitably changed by experiences I couldn’t control. She was emptier than she used to be, and it made me want to keep her close until she filled back up. What the hell had happened to her to make her so jumpy? I could hardly stomach the thought. I could hardly stomach the bits I already knew about.
“Please, Jonah. I’m so sorry.”
“Stop apologizing, Kai.”
“I’m s—” She cleared her throat. “Jojo, I just… I’m just more sensitive these days.”
Sensitive. Sensitive. Did she really think I’d believe that? “I’m sorry for touching you, Kai.”
“It’s okay.” She forced one of her fake giggles that made me want to ball up and die. “You can always touch me. It’s us. I’m just feeling a little twitchy lately. It’s probably stress.”
No. I wouldn’t accept that. It was not just stress and it would not get any better if she didn’t address it. “Kai, please just tell me what’s going on.”
“What do you mean?” Her voice wasn’t quite as cool as it usually was. She understood me perfectly.
“You jumped when your phone rang.”
The sound of her nails scratching nervously beneath her hair sounded in the darkness. “I don’t like to hear my phone. I don’t even like to look at the screen in case a notification pops up.”
“Why?”
“In case Javi’s upset. I don’t like to fight.”
“But...you broke up.”
“That doesn’t mean he magically goes away, Jo.”
“Then block him.”
“He’s blocked everywhere except for texting and calling. If he’s going to show up out of the blue, I at least want to know about it. If I cut that line of communication, he’ll come unannounced.”
So she had to comply with him just to keep him from harassing her more than he already was. This was ridiculous. The man needed to be locked up. Kai needed to come home. I needed to get a fucking grip because an overwhelming stinging feeling began burning behind my nose.
“Are you safe?” I asked quietly.
“Of course, I’m safe. I’m here with you.”
Her answer sent me right over the edge. If I kept speaking, I would’ve yelled. She tucked herself under my chin, placing her forehead on my chest. I obliged her silently, angrily, nudging closer, hoping she’d just stay safe with me forever and be done with it so I could finally fucking relax.