Chapter 11
Jonah
Over the last couple of days, I’d watched Kai’s smile fade immediately any time we turned away, I noticed her quick twitches when something scared or surprised her, and I listened to the way she brushed off certain topics as if they were no big deal. I was almost offended that she believed I’d fall for it, but perhaps she wasn’t doing it for me at all. Perhaps she was protecting herself.
I suddenly found it very easy to ignore Caroline’s incessant texting now that Kai was here, and I even took my own advice and blocked her. It was a mystery why I hadn’t done it sooner, but I finally told her to fuck off once and for all. Phones and texting and all that other bullshit weren’t real to me, anyway. They simply weren’t, so blocking her was simple. My breakup was real, the reason was real, and Kai was real.
I focused my energy on pulling my head out of my ass and finding a way to cheer Kai up, thus I found myself standing over her like a creep in the night at 2:00 a.m. I didn’t bother waking her. Instead, I signaled to June to grab the sweatshirt and sweatpants tossed over my desk chair and bent myself down to Kai. The half-open door to the hallway let in just enough light to see her curled up, wrapped tightly in a heavy blanket as if it were the dead of winter somewhere up north.
Beautiful girl.
I whispered little greetings to her as I lifted her from bed to keep her from flinching awake. A bit to my surprise, she remained calm. She only stirred when I finally wrapped her around myself like a backpack strapped to my front.
“Jojo.” She nuzzled her sleepy face into my collarbone, and I snagged a deep inhale as her nose against my neck sent a tickle down my body. With Kai in my arms, I followed June out of the apartment and down to the street where Oli was waiting in the car.
The streetlamps offered us dim, dirty light in the mild night air. June got in the passenger side next to Oli, and I laid Kai on her side in the back, sitting next to her head. Her top leg flopped off the seat, her body turning itself face down and sliding closer and closer to the edge as Oli kicked the car into gear. She groaned loudly, upset about being disturbed from her slumber.
“Why are you kidnapping me?” she mumbled into the leather as she continued to slip.
“I didn’t want to bother you by waking you up,” I said. Her body finally slid fully off the seat, and she landed on the floor with a thud. Her pout was visible in passing street lights.
“Yet here we are,” she grumbled.
“We’re going for late-night pancakes,” Oli said.
“Oh!” Kai’s consciousness returned fully, her attention switching to the exciting activity at hand. “I love la—ow!” A sharp turn made her smack her head against the back of June’s seat, right over my feet. I reached down and tugged her back up, stifling my laughs. She adjusted herself next to me as a sweatshirt and sweatpants came flying back over June’s head.
“Oh, thank god,” Kai said. She grabbed the clothes and used them to cover her thin sleepwear. “Is everyone else in pajamas? I don’t want to be the only one in pajamas.”
A lazy, unanimous “Yes, Kai” sounded about the car.
An unnecessarily long car ride later, we arrived at one of the few places to get food at this hour. We shoved through a handful of drunken patrons who made our journey to an empty table twice as difficult as it needed to be, and I did my best to focus on ordering while blocking out their chatter and cheer.
The majority of my life was spent much too close to the busier parts of town, and I can’t lie, it wasn’t my favorite. I was supposed to have options in this city, the ability to live in a neighborhood that suited my style. Instead, I found myself mixed up with bustling street corners and music industry assholes. Honestly, I should’ve expected it. But still, part of me hoped that once we really started making money, I’d earn some privacy.
Wishful thinking.
As if I could really earn any privacy along with touring, and being noticed, and being forced onto radio shows, and networking, and events, and—
Our waitress set our plates down, cutting my line of thought. Thankfully.
Sweet Kai sat across from me behind a stack of pancakes so high they practically reached her collar. She looked so fucking precious, staring at them with wide eyes, swallowed whole by my gray sweatshirt. Her ears poked out between the pieces of hair hanging from her messy ponytail, and the stress boiling in my chest calmed back down to a simmer. I’d suffer a zillion exhausting radio shows if only she sat near me just like this.
She was thinner than before, yet somehow curvier. She’d taken to the gym to, as she put it, get out her rage in one fell swoop. Apparently, there’s no better outlet for it than heavy weights and heavier music, and she preferred to take it out that way than on other people.
I could only imagine how hard it must’ve been dealing with that asshole, Javi. Personally, I thought she should’ve stood up for herself directly instead of swallowing it until she could get to a gym. She should’ve yelled right in his face so he could see the consequences of his own actions. But Kai was never very good at confronting those who treated her poorly. I always hoped she’d learn how to be. It was understandable when we were kids, but we were adults now, and she deserved to get to know herself—to demand the space to get to know herself—because she truly was a cool person.
Kai looked around at the rest of us, keeping her hands pinned to her lap. It wasn’t until Oli and June began eating that she picked up her fork. Before making her next move, she looked at me. I rolled my eyes and picked up mine as well. She smiled as her utensil sank into the stack. I allowed mine to do the same.
After a few bites, Oli reached across the table to the bowl of creamer cups, grabbing two in his giant hand.
“Think you can do just one with me, little sis?” he asked, looking at Kai as if he were a kid who’d gotten into the snack cabinet.
I elbowed his arm. Not only would they finish the entire bowl, but probably the one on the table next to us as well.
“It’s just one.” He shrugged his big shoulders at me.
“Jojo is just upset because, behind his tormented facade, he wishes he was fun like us,” Kai teased.
She wasn’t wrong. Kai and Oli had a goofy, childish friendship that put mine and Kai’s to shame. And to no fault of her own. I was a stickler, immature in all the wrong ways. They were true brother and sister, each of them only children and clinging to each other because of it. Not that I, myself, was exactly surrounded by sibling love.
My own older sister moved to Canada and only checked in every couple of months, but I promised her I’d make sure we tour in Toronto as often as possible once things really kick off so I can see her. She kept as far away from the family as she could ever since a few orthodox uncles shut her out after her transition. I couldn’t blame her. They were assholes. They deemed her entire existence a shanda as if she wasn’t the strongest, most caring one of us. Anyway, we did grow up together, which is something Kai and Oli missed out on, so I did my best not to feel left out.
“Aw, Jojo!” Oli whined in a voice that was an entire octave higher than his own.
“Hey!” Kai grabbed a third creamer cup and tossed it at him. It bounced off his giant chest like a fly hitting a window. “Only I get to call him that!” She caught the cup that flew back at her in revenge.
“Oli’s just jealous because he never got a nickname,” June said.
“Oli is his nickname,” Kai explained, leaning into June and flicking her hand across the table at Oli and me. “I can’t shorten that anymore. What are we supposed to call them? Jojo and O-O?”
“Noah could be No-No,” June said with a giggle.
“Oh, speaking of…” Kai switched gears and sat up straight. “I want to meet this elusive Noah character.”
“He’s in Vermont this week with Tiff,” I said.
Kai groaned. “It’s absolutely not fair that I’ve never met the third person in your band.” She turned back to June and pouted. “And his girlfriend! I always see you two hanging out. I’m so left out.”
“Well, then, you shouldn’t have moved to Spain,” Oli said impatiently, holding a creamer cup up in front of himself. I agreed. Kai stuck out her tongue and held hers up as well. They both peeled back the tops halfway, taking careful care not to spill any. Simultaneously, my two friends put the cups between their lips, swallowed, and sucked until the plastic cracked.
I watched Kai as she placed it to the side of her plate and went back to her pancakes.
“Jojo, how’s Caroline? I want to meet her too. You hardly mention her lately.” She cleaned a triangle off her fork with a smooth slide of her lips, staring at me sweetly as I choked on the sip of water I was taking. Oli and June immediately put their heads down, and I made an effort to place my cup on the table instead of slamming it.
“We aren’t dating anymore, Kai.” The hard booth beneath me suddenly sent a shooting pain up my spine. Nausea balled in my stomach, floating up to my chest.
“What?” She chuckled softly like she thought I was kidding, but the expression faded from her face as she looked at our friends. Oli and June simply continued eating nervously, producing no reaction to the news I just delivered. Her eyes snapped back to me. “Jonah Asher Alexander. Am I the only one you didn’t tell?”
Oh god, not the full name. I shifted nervously in my seat. Surely, this was going to ruin her stay. She’d be mad at me, and then she’d leave, and I’d have to wait a year, two years, who knew how long until I saw her again. “I’m sorry. They live with me, Kai. It’s just more obvious. I hardly even told them.” I stared straight into her eyes so she knew just how honest I was being.
“It’s true,” Oli said. A valiant attempt.
I glanced at him and then back at her. “It just didn’t work, Kai. I didn’t want to have to talk about it. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”
I could already see the emotion brimming in her eyes. Only a few more seconds before she’d probably lower her face to the table and end the conversation, staying quiet until later when she’d tell me how disappointed she was, how hurt she was. Something split in my chest as the seconds pressed on.
How could I be such a terrible friend and leave her in the dark? I racked my brain, wondering where the hell my mind had been. It’s not that I didn’t want her to know. I just didn’t want to waste time on it. The words Kai and I shared daily were precious to me. Why taint them with Caroline’s fuck ups? Why suffer through a lengthy conversation about all the things I’d been through, when I could be listening to Kai tell me about her day or showing her the new melody I was working on? There were many other things that I considered far more important than my failed attempt at a relationship.
“I understand,” she finally said. My brain short-circuited. She…understood? “I’m so sorry it didn’t work out, Jo.” She scrunched her face, unnecessary empathy overtaking her features. “Just remember that whatever happened doesn’t set the precedent for the future. Relationships can be good.”
Oh. I rolled my eyes, the terror of upsetting her now entirely gone as the exhaustion from hearing that shit settled in. I wasn’t really in the mood for lessons of love. I’d had enough of them for one lifetime.
“I’m serious, Jo. Let it go. Don’t close yourself off.”
“Yeah, okay,” I muttered. I picked at the food left on my plate. I didn’t want it, but Kai wouldn’t let it be thrown away and she’d eat herself sick if I left it.