Chapter 26
Kai
I was glad I didn’t mention anything to Jonah about what happened in the bathroom last night.
At first, when I realized he didn’t remember, disappointment hit me hard. Even thinking about what he’d done sent those bubbles from between my thighs straight up my spine. He looked far too delicious, hungover and raspy with his open button-down hanging around him and his pants undone just enough for me to see the way his torso dove into them.
I’d hoped we’d fumble our way through an awkward conversation which I could then steer toward an outcome in which he might consider showing me his cock. But after everything he told me, finally, after all these years, I was glad I didn’t say anything. I had no idea just how heavy the whole thing had been, how fiercely he must have been mistrusting his own instincts after all that. And he said nothing simply because he was ashamed.
Jonah had never been a proud person. Perhaps a bit condescending if given the opportunity to speak his true feelings or even a little cocky when it came to his outrageous talent, but never proud. He berated himself for the things he did wrong, and so he began doing nothing at all. I watched him sink into it over the years, his music the only pathway out. Lately he’d been interacting more, going out more, making more decisions for himself. I was happy to see him finally emerging, though heartbroken to learn this part of what he’d been ruminating on all this time.
We had the day off from the studio as Noah worked out details with his cousin, putting the guys yet another day behind on recording. No one seemed to care, though. I took the opportunity to sneak off to the gym despite my hangover. Between Caroline, Justin, and Jonah, I had too much to process, and there was only one place I could sort it. Surely, the physical strain would whack my thoughts into place. Or silence them. Either option was welcome.
◆◆◆
Briggs and I sat together on a bench, waiting for Aaron to finish his set on the squat rack instead of spotting him like we probably should’ve been. I watched him lower down and rise back up a few times, judging his depth from afar. He really needed to work on his mobility.
My thoughts of Aaron’s hip flexors were immediately knocked aside by every other thing swimming around in my brain. What frustrated me the most, believe it or not, was Jonah. I really didn’t care about Justin, and I decided not to dwell on what that said about me, because I was sure it would come back to haunt me in a random flood of tears one day when my body finally decided to process it. That’s usually how it went.
But what was at the front of my mind, grabbing my neurons by the helm, was Jonah. Our teasing went way too far last night, and then he licked me. Jonah Asher Alexander licked me. And I was all for it.
What in the world was wrong with me?
So, my best friend had gotten a little better looking. Big whoop. In all honesty, he looked exactly the same, he just showered more, which really shouldn’t have been enough to do it for me. And okay, so his sarcasm was funny sometimes, and he knew me inside and out, and he cared for me almost to a fault. So maybe it was a little more than the shower thing, but it was still fucking weird. My thoughts confused me, and they’d been confusing me since Tiff opened her big, stupid mouth. Her beautiful, intelligent, but also big and very stupid mouth.
“Briggs.” I nudged my friend’s shoulder, and his hazel eyes landed on me with his full attention. “Why do you love Thalia?” I needed some rationalization, for someone to talk about their own experience so that I’d realize mine was just a silly crush.
A little twitch in his lips showed me he was holding in a smile. With nothing more than the mention of her name, I could see that glimmer of light in his gaze which had slowly faded as he realized she wasn’t coming in today. Just like that, it was back. “That’s a random question, Kai.”
“But you’ll take any excuse to talk about her, and I’m trying to work some stuff out.” I shook my head at him as if it were obvious and placed my hands on the leather seat to settle in.
He made a breathy sound of understanding, rolling his eyes as his grin grew into something mischievous. “You like someone.”
My heart rate shot up at his smooth declaration, and I almost stomped my foot on the ground in denial. “B! We’re talking about Thalia.”
“Haven’t you ever been in love?” he crooned, leaning into me and gazing up toward the sky. Well…toward the pipes and vents lining the ceiling.
“No, I’m not entirely sure I have.” I’d said I was plenty of times, and I certainly knew how to commit even when I shouldn’t have. But love? In the moment I believed I was right in the middle of it. But looking back, it became clear to me that love wasn’t meant to hurt so much. I’d cleared up my mind enough to know that. What I was still unsure of was what the fuck it was supposed to feel like.
Moving his stare down to the spot of floor in front of him, he began to speak slowly, thinking through his answer with care. “I love Thalia because when she gets worked up, I calm her down. And when I’m quiet, she pumps me up.”
“So, they change each other,” Aaron said, joining the conversation without an invitation. He flicked his charcoal hair to one side as he approached. “Love changes you, KK. Don’t get caught up in that shit. It’s just a mindless attachment that turns you into someone else and creates loads of stress.”
“No, it’s not, Aaron.” Briggs shook his head. “I think it’s a very fine line. But the difference is that when you love someone and they love you, the changes are positive and welcome. If you can’t understand that, I think it’s because you’re not ready to receive it.” He lifted his eyebrows at Aaron, who pretended to vomit on the floor.
“I am most certainly not ready, nor do I ever want to be. Plus, she doesn’t even love you back, dude.”
“Aaron!” I stood from my seat, my body entering defense mode for my sweet little Briggs who deserved the world and then some.
Aaron splayed his hands in front of him to question the air. “I’m just saying, KK!”
“It’s fine, it’s fine.” Briggs urged me to sit back down with a soft tug on the hem of my T-shirt. “Another thing about love is that it’ll always happen the way it’s supposed to, whether the other person sees it at first or not.”
Aaron groaned. “Oh, brother.” He pointed a finger to Briggs first, then to me. “You need to stop with the theoretical shit and the excuses and make a move. She’s just a girl. And you, KK, don’t leave me here. Who are you running off with?”
“No one!” I crossed my arms tightly and looked off to one side. “I was just curious.”
“If you get too happy, I’ll have no one to fester with.”
I snorted at that and unwound myself to stand once again, offering him a pathetic hug like a too small tortilla on an overstuffed burrito. “Don’t worry, Aar. There are some grievances that are mental, internal, and those don’t go away. We’ll always share those.” I poked him on the chest once.
Aaron began dancing around me like he was in some sort of Shakespearean death scene, clutching a hand to his chest and whining to the heavens. “Oh, I can see it already. You’re both going to put me in a penguin suit for your weddings. Buttons bursting, muscles suffocating...”
Briggs chortled from the bench. “Get a grip, dude.”
Aaron sighed and wiped the feigned worry from his face. “At least I know Kai will have hot bridesmaids. Pretty girls hang out with pretty girls.” He sent a finger gun my way.
“Rude thing to say, Aaron,” Briggs said. I agreed. While I had a lot in common with Aaron, I found a lot of his views to be super surface level and, frankly, stupid. But there was more underneath it all, so I kept his company still. He was a good person when he wanted to be, despite the number of exhausted sighs he provoked in me daily.
“It’s just a fact, B. Some people are pretty, some people are ugly. Kai is pretty, so her friends probably are too. Let’s be honest here.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, well my two best friends are guys.”
Aaron bounced his thick, black eyebrows. “Are they hot guys at least?”
“You’ll officially meet them at Briggs’ cookout,” I said—realized, coming to terms with the fact that there was a social event coming up which would involve mixing two of my circles. Something turned in my gut at the thought of Aaron getting to Jonah before me. Fuck. I shouldn’t have been thinking like that. Instead, I— Wait a second. “Aaron!” My spine stiffened up, and I gaped at him openly. “Did you just…come out?”
“I don’t come out, Kai. I come. In anyone, anything, anytime, anyplace.”
Oh, fucking gross. I let my face melt into a stink. “Duly noted.”
I weighed what Briggs said for hours after our conversation, mulling it over in silence as I made my lunch, showered, and sat down on the couch to edit some content. When he got quiet, Thalia pumped him up, and when she got worked up, he brought her down. They leveled each other out, I think he was trying to say. They kept each other close to what they wanted to be, they kept each other regulated.
Kind of like when I got lost in my emotions, staring blankly as I let life pass me by, and Jonah encouraged me to take action, encouraged me to see.
Or when he got lost in himself, closed off and cold, and I reminded him that life could actually be enjoyed, and that he deserved to relish it.