Chapter 27
Kai
After a day of overthinking and hours of editing, I folded my laptop over itself, yawning as I stuck it on the coffee table in front of me. Oli and June were already in their room watching a movie, and Jonah was doing whatever Jonah did before turning in to sleep. I lifted myself off the couch in search of him, strolling down the hallway as I let my hair fall free from the claw clip in which it had been twisted, ruffling at my roots which had been tugged on too tightly all day.
The bedroom door was cracked, so I pushed on it until it swung open. Just as my foot hit the carpet inside, I froze, my body slamming into some sort of invisible wall of air as my eyes took in a sight that swirled my insides to mush. It was Jonah, his hair all wet and shiny from a recent shower, his body covered only by a pair of low sitting, black sweatpants. Every tattoo across the side of his waist and arms was in full view and he was just…standing there. That’s all he was doing.
He had to know what he looked like, right?
My gaze raked over his skin, eating up every inch and snagging on every detail. Bubbles surged in my stomach and floated through me freely, my heart rate rising, until my attention stopped short at the space right above those fucking sweatpants. The sight had me absolutely vibrating. Oh my god. The way the V of his lean torso glided into his pants was nothing short of a miracle, and I knew he wasn’t wearing anything underneath.
“You’re gawking, Kai.” Mhm. I was. I wanted to slide those fucking sweatpants down and— “Kai.”
“Huh?” I was quickly smacked back down to earth. Shit. “Sorry. I’ve never, uhm, you… Sorry.”
A beautiful, knowing smile spread across his face. “Careful, Kai. You wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship.”
He was teasing me. The asshole was teasing me. He’d become far too good at that lately, and a tiny, defensive rage burned through me and shot out my mouth. “Funny, Jonah. You do realize these straps on my tank top are pretty loose, right? I could drop them down my shoulders in a second, so why don’t you take that smirk and those sweatpants and shove them up your ass?”
His mouth hung open with both disbelief and amusement, the O of his lips thinning out on the sides with a smile. I stared at that stupid expression for only a moment before I quickly turned and stormed toward the door. It was entirely necessary that I got away from him. My reaction had been too big, but I had to press onward. I was at serious risk of making some incredibly stupid decisions.
“Kai.” My journey to safety was interrupted by the sound of his voice.
I stopped in my tracks, thinking through all the possible reasons he could be calling me back. Did he want me to look at him again? Was he going to tell me to chill the fuck out? Or was he going to tell me to shut the door and fuck me right here and now?
Oh, god.
I spun on my heels and returned my attention to him, trying to let my nerves slick off of me like water. I could save this. I could cover this up.
He chuckled and crinkled his eyebrows. “What’s with the attitude? You know it’s just a joke.”
“Of course, I do,” I said coolly, pulling myself together as best I could and permitting one more quick glance at his hips. Oh dear god, have some fucking mercy.
The look on his face let me know he wasn’t convinced as he inspected me openly. I slit my eyes at him and crossed my arms. He copied me and crossed his own as merriment welled in his features, locking us in a stare-off I didn’t know how to feel about.
“You wouldn’t know what to do with me anyway,” I blurted.
His face dropped. Ha! I win. I stuck my tongue out and once again began walking toward the door when a strong hand on my forearm spun me around. My back landed against the wall with a thud. Jonah loomed over me, bracing himself on the surface behind me.
An aching feeling crawled up my body as I observed the bare chest in front of my eyes, the neck, the tight jaw which clenched with either frustration or nerves. His gentle hand lifted my chin, and my gaze was met with that beautiful, green stare.
“What makes you think that?” he whispered.
“I…” I attempted to speak but my words lodged in my throat. After pushing down a hard swallow, I tried again. “It was just a joke.” I flicked him a weak smile. Never in a thousand years did I ever believe I’d be in this situation, and never in a million would I ever have expected him to be the calm one.
“Was it?” He looked at my lips and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear.
I nodded quickly in response.
“Maybe it was.” His voice was so low it practically brought me to my knees, and I suddenly couldn’t fathom ever not finding this person attractive. How had I not noticed all this time? Had he always been like this? “But I still think you should know…” The fingers that had so delicately moved my hair tickled my skin as they trailed to my collarbone. He gripped my neck and twisted his wrist, forcing my head to turn to the side with a strong thumb. He leaned close to my ear to finish his statement, and I felt his murmur both on my ear and between my legs. “Just because I choose not to do it with everyone, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to.”
I believed him. For the first time in years, I got the feeling that the person touching me might’ve actually known what the fuck they wanted to do with me, and I was desperate to see it for myself. But I couldn’t even produce an answer to what he’d just said. How does one deal with the prospect of fucking the person they grew up with? Playful games and wrestling matches were much more doable than…sex.
He dragged his lips over my hot skin, running them from my temple to my cheekbone. “You’ve been different lately, my beautiful girl.”
“No. That’s crazy.” Though it was entirely true. My hands begged to jump out and grab him, but I forced them to stay put at my sides.
“I don’t need to have sex with everyone I see to know how to take my time with the person in front of me and listen to what their body wants—needs—from me.” He backed away to once again lock eyes with mine.
“Will you show me?” I asked quietly.
His eyebrows twitched with what I read as surprise, and my mouth ran dry. Was my question an overstep? He had slammed me against the wall, hadn’t he?
He took my head in his hands, shaking his own back and forth softly to deny my request, and I was left without his touch as he turned away. Approaching his computer chair, he pulled a shirt off the back of it and put it on. “Close the door. I need to talk to you about something.”
Tension balled in my stomach, inching up through my throat and preventing my mouth from closing fully. I silently did as he said and hoped I was hiding my feelings well enough in the process.
“Don’t be nervous.” His voice was as smooth as ever, though his jaw feathered as he looked at me. “This is important to me.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He sat down on the futon, shifting in his spot, his fierce, green gaze stuck on me as I took my place to his right. “Last night you told me you wanted something back, and I just…” A pause. “Well, I know it has something to do with Justin, so—”
I cut him off quickly, lifting a hand. “I get it. We don’t need to have this conversation. I was just in a weird headspace last night.” I suddenly wanted to jump out of my seat, though I wasn’t entirely sure of my trajectory anymore. Either him or the door. Just because I was having inappropriate thoughts about fucking my best friend, it did not mean we needed to dig through all that shit. That was a much, much longer conversation that I was not in the mood to explore. I turned myself to face the desk instead of him and gripped the futon tightly.
“Kai, come on.”
I adjusted myself, crossing my legs on the bed and resting my fingers over my ankles as I kept my gaze firmly ahead. I refused to answer. I didn’t even want to think about what he was poking at.
“Is this particular thing harder to talk about?” he asked.
As I ignored him, I noticed anger building inside of me, much to my surprise. I really hadn’t expected it but was quickly losing control of it. Every second that I felt his stare on me was like an hour under a microscope. My gawking at his naked abdomen was not an invitation to open up this box of shit about Justin, about my sexuality, and his prodding was the last thing I needed. “I just don’t even know what you want to hear, Jonah. You already know everything.”
“Obviously, I don’t, Kai, or I wouldn’t be asking. Can we just be honest for a minute?” It seemed he was on edge as well because those sentences left his mouth a bit sharper than he’d probably intended.
I paused for a long while, flipping through escape options in my head, observing the room for anything that might help me in my getaway. Perhaps I could toss a sheet over his head and run during the distraction, or maybe I could open the window by his bed and jump right out of it. Fuck. Nothing. Begrudgingly, I accepted my fate. “It’s not a big deal. Justin had been looking at me weirdly for a while, and I should’ve been on higher alert when we visited the studio. That’s all.”
“You didn’t need to be on higher alert. He needed to not be an asshole. None of that is your fault, Kai.”
That statement was such bullshit, and I couldn’t help but snap. “None of it’s my fault yet somehow I’m left to deal with the consequences!” Jonah’s eyes widened into one of those stupid, gaping looks. “Don’t tell me I don’t need to be on high alert, Jonah, when you’ve never been alone and vulnerable with someone twice your size. Everyone seems to think they have a right. I don’t give a shit whose fault it is. It happens.”
I made to launch off the bed and leave the room, but Jonah caught my hand lightly, tugging me back. “No. Please.” His voice was so small and delicate. I practically fell back down next to him as I watched his eyes shatter like glass. “Have there been many…instances like Justin?”
I returned to my previous position, crossing my legs tightly and facing away from him. Jonah’s hand fell to my knee, and I swiped it away crossly as I fired my next sentence. “What do you want? A fucking highlight reel of my college experience?”
“Is that what this is all about?”
“Is that what this is all about?” I mocked. I glared at him and pointed to my head. “Jonah, I am so fucked that I haven’t thought about Justin once since yesterday. It has not crossed my mind all day. I guarantee you are worrying about it much more than I am.” It was true, whether it was healthy or not.
“I just think this is something you should talk through. This is something that I want you to talk to me about.”
“Why would I do that, Jonah?” I flung my hand out to question the air. “It’s incredibly personal.”
“We are incredibly personal, Kai. We’ve grown up together, we’ve slept together, we’ve showered together for fuck’s sake. Have you processed anything during these last couple of years since Javi, or have you just swallowed it and let it build up inside of you until you’re so full that even the slightest touch sets you off?” His quick blinking was the only sign of his nerves as spoke to me more sternly than he probably ever had.
My head reared back with offense. How dare he judge me for the way I worked on my shit? He wasn’t one to fucking talk. He was the fucking king of bottling it up. “Fuck you.”
“Just let it out already, Kai. Stop avoiding it.”
“I want to avoid it!” My arms clamped over me in a twisted position. “Why is that so hard for you to understand? It shouldn’t matter to you how the hell I feel about my life, my experiences. It’s in the past; we are in the present.”
He shook his head, huffing a breath and pulling at his own fingers. “Why do you avoid it?”
“Why do you care?”
“Because I’m trying to understand what you’re comfortable with!” He shot out of his seat and paced in a circle, letting his forehead fall to his fingers as his chest rose and fell a number of times. “You’re asking something of me, Kai. In return, I ask for context.”
“I’m not asking you for anyth—”
“You asked me to show you!” He paused, allowing a visible swallow to pass through his thin neck as he brought the volume down a notch. “Even last night. I thought it… I thought it was a joke. I—”
I stood to meet him. If context was truly important to him, context I’d give him. “I always wanted to enjoy being with someone without needing to fuck them, and it was never possible. It’s all anyone ever thought about, Jonah. I felt like the only person on the planet who didn’t feel the need to do it and I hated it. I didn’t just hate it. I wanted everyone else to hate it too. I wanted the whole world to stop fucking for fuck’s sake. But that’s what people did in my crowd. I was bound to crack under pressure at least one time out of ten, and my god, the pressure never stopped. So, I did it. I forced myself, and in doing so, I lost it.” I held my arms out to the side. “I was just curious to see if I could find it again.”
He was quiet for a long while before he asked, “Is that what you want back? Sex?”
I wiped the heel of my hand under my eye to smear a tear. “I’m not talking about this with you. My sex life has nothing to do with you.”
“Do not insult me just because you—”
“Would you consider that an insult or a fact?” I asked rudely, plopping back down in my seat.
His eyelashes dipped, a softness washing over his expression. He lifted a calm hand at me. “I’m going to ignore the attitude because I know I pushed you.”
“How kind.”
I looked back down at my lap and picked at my fingernails. I couldn’t stomach the way he stared at me. It always broke his heart when I got into one of these moods. I knew that. It made him feel the same way I did when he started to shut down and ice me out. Thankfully, it wasn’t frequent on either of our parts. I was hot rage, and he was freezing solitude and while we were each other’s comfort, we occasionally became punching bags.
We agreed long ago that it was okay as long as the perpetrator never went too long without calming down and apologizing. That was always easier for me. I never stayed mad for long. It all shot out of me in a matter of ten, maybe twenty minutes, and then it dissipated. Jonah kept it inside, ruminating, refusing to let even a drop melt away.
Still, I always waited with open arms, as he did for me, no matter how long it took.
“Can I come touch you?” he asked softly.
“Yes, you can fucking touch me.” I kept my line of vision firmly on his desk, clinging to bits of my anger. “You want to know what I’m comfortable with? I’m comfortable with you. You’re the only person who can touch me. Now, get over here before I fucking murder you.”
He fell back into his seat and wrapped his arms around my body, pulling me into him. I willingly continued the motion and curled up on his lap, looping my legs around his hips and clamping him like the claw in the arcade that always let go of the teddy bear at the last second. I, in turn, was not going to let him go if I could help it. I wiped my nose across his shoulder and hugged him tightly with all four limbs, letting him know I was done being a pissy bitch.
He nuzzled his face into my shoulder. “And now? How do you move on from here? What do you want?”
I backed out of our hug and looked at him. Was this the moment I took that step? Were my recent fantasies about to come true? “I…want someone to show me it can feel good. Like I believe it can. I don’t want to tune any of it out. I want to feel it.”
His brows tweaked. Despite everything, I still don’t think he was expecting me to say that. It was almost like he was waiting for me to say this was all a show, that I was just acting out emotionally, and that I didn’t really want him. I watched through his eyes as he ran through possible answers until he finally landed on the most useless one imaginable. “Is that so?”
I nodded, deciding to go for it, and positioned eight of my nails just under his ears. His body stiffened under my touch. I let my fingers drag down his skin slowly, jumping only when they met his shirt. They moved over the fabric until my palms filled with his shoulders and his tattoos were lined with goosebumps.
The air became painfully heavy, strung with a tension that blurred my senses entirely.
“You want someone to show you it can feel good,” he whispered.
Was I not being clear? “I want you to.”
A tapping commenced on the back of my hip. It was his finger counting the seconds as he decided what to do.
Finally, he moved. One of his hands slid slowly from my hip to my waist, up, up, until he reached that perfidious spot on my ribs. Oh god. How could I let my best friend touch me this way? How could I be so pitiful as to incite it myself? Didn’t matter. Didn’t care. His caress sent a shock through my abdomen as bubbles began to burn inside of me. My fingers draped over his shoulders as he spent a few long seconds drawing lazy circles over my side, skimming over my senses with those incredible hands, inspecting my every reaction.
“Does this feel good?” he asked.
“Yes.”
He removed his hand from my side and placed a soft finger under my jaw. His eyes followed it as it trailed slowly down my neck, over the strap of my tank top, along my collarbone. I jumped. Another flick of warmth through my body added to the bubbles building, and my breathing became heavier.
“Collarbone,” he murmured.
His finger continued back over my shoulder, down my arm, over my bicep, and into the divot of my elbow until it reached my forearm. Another jump sent even more heat to my stomach.
“Forearm,” he said, adding to a list he was seemingly keeping in his mind.
I wanted a list too. I wanted to play the game, to see how I could make him burn and shudder.
“Can I try?” I asked. His eyes snapped up to mine, but he didn’t answer. “Do you know all of your…favorite spots?”
“I’m sure I have much more to learn.”
“Can I try?” I repeated.
◆◆◆
Jonah
Here she was, my beautiful girl, seated on top of me, writhing under each little touch I made, asking if she could do the same to me, and I…couldn’t. I couldn’t allow it. I had to be in control of this.
My mind raced.
How could I be so stupid as to actually think she might’ve been interested in me? Of course, she was just curious. Of course, she just needed to explore. My meager hopes had launched to the sky only to smack down on the ground from twice as high. I would always just be Jonah, and I had no idea how to handle it.
She couldn’t touch me. I’d lose it. I’d take her to my bed and open her like the door to the next universe. I’d let her have me in such an explosive way that I wouldn’t ever recover. She’d move on with her curious life, and I’d hate her. I’d hate her for how much I love her. I could not be the one to help her rediscover intimacy so that she could go off and enjoy it with someone else, yet I didn’t want anyone else to help her rediscover it. What a messy plight.
It had been a few long moments since she’d asked to try touching me.
“I don’t think so, Kai,” I finally answered. Her desperate little eyes drooped. “I’m sorry.”
She nodded as if she understood. As if she sympathized. I braced her in my arms, sending one last stroke of my palm from the side of her waist down her thigh, and helped her stand on the floor in front of me to end this little show.
But my sanity crawled away as I looked up at her. Those thin shorts she wore around the house allowed me to get far too close, and that tank top did nothing to hide what sat underneath. Her two perfect tits were practically on display, the fabric too scanty for my good sense. I desperately wanted to take them between my teeth.
Perhaps I was staring a bit too obviously because she said, “I haven’t been able to let anyone get, uhm, close to there especially. They’re very sensitive.”
My eyes widened as I forced myself to look away, staring aggressively at the side wall. Did the love of my life really just say that to me? “I’m so sorry.”
“No,” she said quickly. “I don’t, uhm… Jonah, I don’t mind when you get close. All the spots you touched, they’re… They’re the spots that bother me the most when other people touch them. Maybe…” She glanced down. “Maybe they’re the same.”
I could hear it in her voice, in her words. The suggestion.
No. No. No. Fuck. Not that. I’d never survive that.
But my brain was no longer in control.
I wrapped her waist in one arm, tightening her to me as I sat on the edge of my seat at an obnoxiously perfect height. Her breathing deepened, becoming as fast as the heart that practically vibrated from her chest. My nose dragged delicately over one hard peak above the fabric of her shirt, my cock filling my sweatpants as I drew a slow circle. I immediately wanted to live the rest of my life with my face between her tits.
Just my simple circles were enough to elicit one of those squeaky noises she’d accidentally let loose at the beach weeks ago. I shuddered. Deliciousgirl.
I opened my mouth and let my teeth graze over the fabric. There was no way in hell I’d remove her shirt; that would be the end of me. I closed my lips over the cotton and did my absolute best to ignore the tangible shiver that ran up her spine. My workings became faster and more assertive as I switched to the other side. She released sound after sound, shake after shake.
Fuck.
Fuck.
My brain was quickly deteriorating into male mush as I hugged her tighter and pressed her deeper into my mouth. She slapped her palm down on my shoulder, and my hand landed on the inside of her thigh.
Jonah, stop.
Not a chance.
My treacherous fingers, my criminal fingers, slid under the hem of those damn shorts. They were met immediately with warmth and skin. She wore nothing underneath.
“Sit down,” I ordered.
She melted into me, and I slid into her pussy as she fell atop my lap. With her knees bent by my hips, she clung to me, and I beckoned inside of her until my forearm was screaming, at which point I simply continued. Nothing could stop me. I watched her erupt with pleasure, her moans and breaths enveloping me, filling the room around us as she held herself in place with both hands laced around the back of my head.
As distracted as she had me, I couldn’t help but think that I didn’t want it to be like this. I’d always wanted it to be softer. More...real.
She leaned forward and let her nose fall to mine, begging silently for a kiss. I looked up at her sweet face for a few thick moments, refusing to allow my lips to reach hers. I couldn’t. I’d genuinely never recover from that.
She ground into me as she began pulsing around my fingers. God dammit. I’d have to close my eyes. No. I’d have to get a fucking lobotomy. I wouldn’t be able to live with this, but I’d never want to forget it. Her moans began to pull deeper, the most genuine, pleasure-filled, little squeaks filling my ears.
Yes. Good fucking girl.
“Oh my god,” she cried. “Jonah.”
Shit. I bit down on her shoulder and groaned into her skin. “Say it again.”
“Jonah.” She gripped me hard as she hit her peak, her nails digging into the back of my neck. “Jonah.” Her desperate calls fueled a part of me I’d never released, a beastly part that I’d kept hidden since the day I realized it was even there. It was all for her. Everything was for her. No one could ever be close to me because I was hers, inside and out.
She shook as I held her tight, my free arm squeezing the life out of her and my face buried firmly in the crook of her neck. Every movement, every reaction to my touch, buzzed through her body and reached my skin. I wanted to feel her twitches in my arms, her breath on my ear, her heartbeat against my chest.
My vicious instincts allowed me to run my free hand over her back delicately only until the shakes left her body and she calmed down. Finally, she lifted her face to look at me, but I hadn’t quite returned to myself yet. I grabbed her by the throat and made her watch as I slowly removed my fingers and dragged them through my lips. The second my fingertips exited, she used a hand to pull my hold from her neck and dropped her mouth over them. The little brat locked eyes with me as she showed me what it looks like when she sucks on something of mine. My lip curled.
“You should get up,” I said far too rudely for my liking.
She bowed her head over my fingers once more, scraping her teeth gently along the sides. Those cinnamon-sweet eyes that haunted my dreams since childhood had never looked stickier.
I moved my fingers before she could torture me further and grabbed her with both hands, standing and lifting her along with me. With three steps, I was beside my bed, and a moment later, I’d thrown her on it. Her back hit the mattress, and my traitorous body leaned over her to hold her in place as if I was going to dive in right here and now. She squeaked in response, and another piece of my brain flaked away.
Holy shit.
I couldn’t fucking do this.
“I’m sorry, Kai.” I ripped my hands away from her, running one through my hair as the other grabbed my cock. She stared between my legs, fighting for a peek. “I’m so, so sorry. Get into bed. Make yourself comfortable. I need to… Just… Make yourself comfortable.”
I whipped out of the room and barged straight into the bathroom. It took me nothing more than a handful of seconds to line the sink with my distress, and clarity hit me like a fucking freight train. What the fuck had I done? What was wrong with me? My beautiful Kai. My everything. I ruined it. And now she was in our room, painfully alone after I took that from her. She’d never look at me the same.
Oh god, this was it, wasn’t it? This was the end. This was the part where our cute, childish relationship became a weird adult co-dependency that couldn’t stand under pressure. This was where we’d realize we were too close and things were too weird, where I’d have to release parts of her so she could move on with her life.
I wanted to go back and hold her. I wanted to whisper beautiful things in her ear until she fell asleep. To kiss her and tell her I’d be here forever. But I couldn’t. She just needed help getting close to someone. That’s all I was.
That’s all I am.