The Amendment (Arrangement #2)

Chapter 25

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

AINSLEY

I sat across from Joanna with a mug of tea in my hand. I was restless that day.

I couldn’t put Peter off much longer.

He hadn’t brought it up in a few days, but I knew he wanted to go back to see her. To kill her. After our couple’s session, he kept saying we needed to put an end to her before she went to the police.

I had no idea how to explain to him why I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him the truth. That she was me. That we were the same.

I could never tell him about our sessions, or how it genuinely felt like maybe she was helping me.

I was back for my third session, and they’d already begun to feel like a much-needed reprieve.

I wasn’t sure I could make it without Joanna anymore.

I couldn’t let Peter take her from me.

“Are you married, Joanna?” I asked, glancing over at her from where I sat .

She looked taken aback. “Um, no. We really shouldn’t be talking about that, Annie. This is about you.”

Because we weren’t friends. I had to remember that.

She was my therapist.

That was it.

“You just have so much insight into all of this. You must have someone.”

“Well, actually, I do have a boyfriend,” she said finally. “He’s been out of town, but he’ll be back soon. He’s supposed to be coming to my house when he gets into town.”

“When will that be?”

“This weekend,” she lied. “Maybe sooner.”

“That’ll be nice,” I told her. She had no reason to lie to me. Her boyfriend’s body was currently decaying several feet from where I slept at night. Still, I didn’t press the issue.

Back to business. I sucked in a breath, picking at the skin around my finger. “Tell me the truth. Is it crazy to still want to be with my husband? After everything? The lies? The sneaking around? Are we just bad for each other?”

She seemed to contemplate my questions, a flicker of fear in her eyes. I’d told her too much, perhaps. I think she was starting to worry. She chose her words carefully. “I think sometimes people show us who they are, and we have to choose whether or not we’re going to believe them. There’s personality, Annie, and there’s human nature. Some things can be changed. Some people can change. But some things, some things are so deep down at the core of who we are, no matter what the people around us do, nothing will change us. If Pete has shown you who he is, you have to decide if you can live with it. If he’s unwilling to change, you have to decide if you’re going to change. Because if you’re both unhappy, one of you has to.”

I nodded slowly. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was what I was slowly starting to understand.

My eyes flicked up to the clock on the wall, realizing how much time had passed. Peter would be getting ready to leave the office, and I needed to head out.

“I should go.”

She started to protest—we had so much more to talk about and I was cutting our time short—but I needed to go. I had too much swimming through my head. I needed time to process it all before I saw my husband.

I was in the kitchen later when Maisy and Bailey walked in the door, laughing about a joke I hadn’t heard.

“Hey, Mom. How was work?”

“Work was work,” I said. “Did I tell you Tara’s having a baby?”

Maisy’s eyes lit up. “She is? No way! When is she due?”

“Well, she just found out a few weeks ago, so she’s very early still. She’s due sometime next summer. She brought in a sonogram today.” I pulled out my phone and showed her the photograph I’d snapped. “See that tiny white speck? That’s the baby.”

“Awww… It’s so little.”

I closed my phone. “Hey, do you think I could talk to you for a second? ”

Maisy looked at Bailey hesitantly. “Uh… About what?”

“It’ll just take a second. Bailey, I made that tray of snacks for you girls. Why don’t you carry it to the bedroom?”

She paused with a worried glance toward Maisy, but finally agreed. “Sure thing, Mrs. G.” She lifted the tray of veggies and hummus and carried it down the hall. Once I’d heard the door shut, I turned to my daughter.

“I just wanted to check in and see how everything’s going at school. Is Bailey staying away from Coach?”

I hadn’t mentioned it once since she’d told me that day at the lake, and she seemed grateful not to have to discuss it, so I worried about her reaction. But to my relief, she said, “Oh. Actually, Coach left.”

“Left?” I raised my brows, feigning surprise.

“He, like, moved or something. A few girls from the team said Ashley and Eleanor have been coaching for, like, a month now. They said he’d be coming back, but he hasn’t.” She shrugged one shoulder.

“And Bailey hasn’t heard from him? You’re not going to get into trouble. I promised you I wouldn’t say anything, and I haven’t.”

“No, Mom, I swear. She hasn’t heard from him. I would tell you.”

“Okay,” I said hesitantly. “You know I just want to protect you both.”

She nodded, jutting a thumb over her shoulder. “Can I go now?”

“Yep, go have fun.”

She turned to walk away, but stopped. “Hey, Mom?”

“Yeah? ”

“Thanks for…you know, being cool about everything.”

I clutched my chest in mock surprise. “Can I get you to repeat that so I can record it?”

She groaned playfully. “Well, don’t ruin it now.”

I giggled. “You know you can tell me anything, kiddo. I mean that.”

“I know.”

Heavy footsteps sounded down the hall, interrupting our moment, and I stepped forward to see Peter coming up the stairs. He headed for the bedroom just as Maisy darted off, disappearing into her own room.

I followed Peter, opening the bedroom door slowly.

He froze, but looked relieved when he saw me. “Hey, beautiful.” He’d been in good spirits lately, though the initial thrills from both Jim and Chris had worn off entirely too fast.

“How was work?”

“Busy. Exhausting.” He flopped onto the bed as if to prove a point. “How was your day?”

“My day was busy, too. Tara’s having a baby.”

“Is she? Nice.” He folded his hands across his forehead, closing his eyes.

“Hey, I’ve been thinking…” I trailed a hand across his chest.

“Yeah?” One eye popped open.

“What do you say we pick someone new?”

“Someone new?” Now both eyes were open.

“Yeah, you know… Besides the therapist. Just someone random. Like you used to.”

He sat up, his body tense. “I don’t know, Ains.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? ”

“I’m just not really feeling it right now.”

“Why not?”

He pushed up from the bed, unbuttoning his shirt with his back to me.

“I just told you I’m exhausted. Work’s been hectic. It’s just not a good time.”

“So let me help take your mind off of things.” I tried to ease him out of his shirt.

“I said no, okay?” His tone was sharper than I’d ever heard it, cracking through the air.

I took a step back as if I’d been slapped. “Have… Have I done something wrong?” I felt vulnerable, an emotion that made me sick. I’d never been one to beg for anyone’s attention, but I’d done it with Peter for the sake of our kids. For the sake of our marriage.

The desire to keep it up was waning fast.

“No, you haven’t done anything wrong.” His eyes were apologetic as he moved forward, kissing my cheek. “I’m sorry I snapped. I just don’t want to do it right now, okay? You’ll be the first to know when I do.”

“Well, what if I want to?”

Did I?

Did it matter?

He shook his head. “Stop it. Okay? Just stop. We have to be smart about this. Let’s just let it all die down for a bit, and then maybe in a few months…”

“Maybe in a few months, what? You’ll be able to look at me again? To touch me? To fuck me?”

“Keep your voice down.” He groaned, wincing. He may as well have gagged.

“Peter, please, can you just look at me?” I begged. I hated this version of myself. I hated who he was turning me into.

He turned to look at me finally, his eyes practically glazing over. “What do you want from me, Ainsley? What? ”

I opened my mouth, prepared to say so much, but I didn’t know where to start. “Is it because of Joanna? Because I said no? Because if that’s what it’ll take to fix whatever’s wrong, let’s just do it. Whatever you want.” I didn’t know if I meant it, but I needed to see what he’d say. It seemed as if everything had changed from the moment we met her.

“It’s not about her.” His face drew down into a scowl. “God, I haven’t thought about her since our session. Work has just been crazy. I just need a minute, okay? Nothing’s wrong with us. I swear.” He lowered his voice, stepping forward and taking my hands. He kissed my cheek, my hands, my fingers. “I love you. We’re fine. Everything’s fine. Don’t worry so much, okay?” He squeezed my hands, then dropped them and turned away, pulling off his shirt without another word.

Conversation over.

Except it was far from over.

And we were far from fine.