Chapter 39
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
KENNY LOGGINS, “MEET ME HALFWAY”
Eve
I returned to work.
Dad told everyone at church that I’d been on a mission trip in Guatemala.
Christmas was just around the corner, but I didn’t feel the holiday cheer.
“Tell him you want to move to Colorado with him,” Erin said as we watered the poinsettias in the church before Sunday’s service.
“I haven’t seen or talked to him since Thanksgiving. That was two weeks ago. He hasn’t been at church. And I’m scared to go to his house because I don’t want to stir up trouble with my parents right before Christmas.”
“Since when have you been afraid of stirring up trouble?” Erin smirked. “I feel like you left my best friend at that rehab clinic.”
“The day he left the rehab clinic, it felt like a last goodbye. And if he wanted to see me, he would. Right? And honestly, what I did to Josh is unforgivable.”
“How can you say that? You said Josh forgave you. And I don’t think Kyle will call and risk one of your parents answering the phone. And he’s not going to knock on the door and ask if you can come play.”
“Stop.” I giggled. “You know what I mean.”
“You should get Josh a Christmas present, so at least you have an excuse to see him one more time before they leave.”
“I already got him a Christmas present, but I was going to have Gabby take it to him. Nothing will ever make up for that burn on his arm and the awful pain he went through.”
“Stop.” She groaned. “No. You have to give it to him. What did you get him? A cat? A hamster?”
I led the way to my dad’s office to drop off the watering cans. “Not funny.”
“It is and you know it.”
I laughed.
“I got him a Matchbox race car track.”
“Oh, he’ll love that.”
“I hope so.” I opened my dad’s office door, but he was still outside shoveling snow.
Church started in an hour.
“Are you getting something for Kyle?”
I set the watering can by my dad’s desk. “Do you think I should?”
“Totally.”
“What if he doesn’t have something for me, and then I make him feel bad?”
“Well, that’s his problem.” She smirked. “It doesn’t have to be expensive. But do something. Then tell your parents that you’re driving to my house to give me a gift, and they won’t suspect a thing.”
I sat in my dad’s desk chair. “They will because we don’t buy each other gifts.”
“Fine.” She frowned. “Then I’ll call your house mid-afternoon and tell you about something I got for Christmas, and you’ll say you’re going to my house to see it.”
“You said you’re leaving town for Christmas. My parents will know if your family is out of town.” I swiveled back and forth in his chair.
“Ugh! Why are you making this so difficult?”
I laughed. “I’m not trying to. I just don’t want a Christmas Day fiasco.”
“Okay.” She clapped her hands together in front of her at her lips. “How about this? You just tell them the truth. You have gifts and want to give them to them. It’s not like you’re going to have sex on Christmas in the middle of the day with Josh awake. In fact, invite your parents and Gabby to join you.”
I wrinkled my nose. “I don’t think I need to go that far. But yeah, I could try the truth. That would be a nice change.” I bit back my grin, but we started laughing simultaneously.
I got Kyle a gift, but I wasn’t sure if it was the right gift.
With a week until Christmas, I was dying to see him. I told myself I needed to get used to that feeling because he was moving. Before long, I would sit in my window seat and gaze through my binoculars, but I would no longer have a chance to see him coming or going because he wouldn’t be in Devil’s Head anymore.
After everyone else went to bed that night, I gazed out the window, hoping to see the exact moment the lights went out at his house. I liked to crawl in bed at the same time and pretend that he was lying beside me, arms wrapped around my waist, face in my hair, lips depositing the occasional kiss.
I waited.
And waited.
But the lights in his main level never turned off. When I lowered the binoculars from my eyes, my gaze dropped to the fence between our house and the orchard.
“Oh my gosh,” I whispered.
He was there, resting his back against the rails, boots half-buried in the snow, Carhartt jacket zipped to his chin, and a stocking cap. What was he doing?
I didn’t know the answer, but I couldn’t wait to find out. So I threw on my jeans and a sweater, then tiptoed downstairs and shoved my feet into my snow boots while putting on my jacket and hat.
I prayed for the door not to squeak too loudly, and God seemed to answer that prayer. It took all the control I could muster not to run to him as I hopped through the snow.
He turned as I approached the fence.
“Are you lost?” I asked, adjusting my hat.
“Something like that.” He rubbed his lips together.
I grinned because my heart needed to feel the joy he brought to me just with one look.
“How are you?”
I shrugged. “Still sober.”
His smile died. “That’s not what I meant, but I suppose that’s good too.”
“How do you want me to be?” I asked, stuffing my hands into my jacket pockets.
“I want the best for you.”
“Is that why you paid for my rehab?”
He narrowed his eyes, and I waited for him to deny it, but he didn’t. Instead, he relinquished a tiny nod.
“Thank you.”
Again, he paused before nodding again.
“How’s your arm?”
“Better. I’m still doing my prescribed exercises.”
“That’s good. How’s Josh’s arm?” That was a much harder question to ask, but I couldn’t avoid it.
“He’s fine. I told you the doctor said his scars could completely fade over time.”
I swallowed past the painful lump in my throat because I knew what he said at the rehab center, but I didn’t know if it was true or if he said it to make me feel less awful. “Is he excited for Christmas?”
“Of course.” Kyle stared at his feet.
“Why are you here at eleven o’clock at night?”
He kicked at the snow, taking his time to answer. “To be near you,” he whispered.
“It’s cold.”
“That’s because you’re there, and I’m here.”
I grinned, high-stepping the last few feet in the snow to reach the fence. “Better?”
He slowly shook his head.
I wormed my way between the wood rails and stood before him. “Better?”
The familiar look in his eyes made me melt, even if he didn’t feel the heat yet. He shook his head again.
I grabbed his jacket and lifted to my toes to kiss him, then I whispered, “Better?”
“Not yet.” He grinned, resting his hands on my hips while he turned and pressed his back against the fence post. He lowered to his butt, bringing me with him, straddling his legs.
“Your backside will be wet.”
“So,” he murmured before kissing me.
I unzipped his jacket and then mine, pulling my arms out. He held my jacket to me like a blanket while I hugged him, cocooning myself next to him, sharing body heat and long kisses.
“Baby, you’re so beautiful,” he whispered in my ear, sliding his hand along my neck beneath my hair.
I closed my eyes, memorizing the feel of his touch, his breath at my ear, and the soothing vibration of his voice.
My fingers curled into his back. “Take me with you,” I pleaded.
He teased my earlobe with his teeth, then murmured, “It’s not our time.”
“Why not?” I turned my head and kissed a trail from his cheek to his lips, and again, we kissed like it could be the last kiss we ever shared.
Then he rested his forehead against mine. “Because I need to get a new job, find a place to live so Josh feels settled again. And you need to find your feet again. You need to stand on your own.”
I pressed my palms to his cheeks. “I found my feet, and I’m standing on my own.” Desperation wrapped around my words, making a case for my aching heart.
“Maybe,” he whispered with tension in his brow as I traced his lower lip with the pad of my thumb. “But I don’t know if I’ve found mine. When I carried you up that hill”—he closed his eyes briefly—“you were just so fucking lifeless, and I lost something in that moment. And I won’t give you anything unless I can give you everything. So maybe right now I’m the one who’s a little unsteady.”
“I made a mistake. How many times do I have to apologize?” I buried my face into his neck and snaked my arms around his body again. “How can you just walk away from me like everything that happened before that night no longer matters?”
He didn’t answer, but he held me a little longer before dropping his hands to his sides. “I have to get home,” he said.
It was my fault. Despite my desperate pleas, I knew he’d never be able to forgive me. And even though I didn’t blame him, it still hurt. I pulled back, searching his eyes, but he wouldn’t look at me, so I stood, threading my arms through my jacket. “I know you paid for my therapy so I wouldn’t hate you when you left me, but?—”
“But you hate me,” he said, standing and wiping off his backside. “And I paid for your therapy because I love you.”
I looked away to keep from crying. “You’re such an asshole,” I mumbled. “If this is love, then you’re a terrible lover. When you love someone, you stay. You fight for them. You forgive them. You?—”
“Eve!” he said, making me jump. “I have a child. And I love you so much that I can’t fucking stay away from you. But I love him more.” He slowly shook his head. “I’m not perfect. I don’t know if this is the right decision, but it is an excruciatingly hard one. And I may regret it for the rest of my life. And maybe you’ll hate me for the rest of yours. But I …” He swallowed hard. “I gave you alcohol. And I ignored all the signs because you reminded me of myself. And I reasoned that I didn’t have a problem, so you didn’t either. I saw what I wanted to see.”
I turned my back to him, gazing up at the dark sky. “I’m so very sorry. Josh experienced unimaginable pain because of me. Then you saved my life, and it’s unfair of me to ask you for more, but I’m doing it anyway. Take me with you.” I faced him again. “I’ll get a job and pay my part. I’ll make all the meals and do laundry. I’ll sew Halloween costumes and stay with Josh while you hunt. I’ll read George Bernard Shaw and learn about the inversion function of cosine. Just … take me with you.”
A painful laugh bubbled from his chest to accompany his sad smile. “Oh, baby.” He framed my face. “I would never forgive myself if I said yes and you, in fact, didn’t learn arccosine.”
I laughed through the pain. “ Please , Kyle,” I whispered, holding my emotions inside as best as possible.
He kissed me and murmured, “I won’t leave without saying goodbye.” And then he walked away.
“Don’t say goodbye!” I yelled.
He stopped.
“Don’t say goodbye. I don’t want your goodbye. I want you. And I want Josh. But you don’t want me. You have no horse. No armor. No honor. You don’t know how to play chess. You don’t know how to love me. You stand at this fence because you want to be near me. Well, fuck you. It’s not all about you. If you walk away, don’t come back. Don’t look back. Don’t say my name. Don’t even think about me. I told you I wouldn’t be anyone’s regret.”
He tucked his hands into his pockets and continued to walk away.
I squeezed through the fence and ran inside. Then I kicked off my boots while holding my hand cupped over my mouth to muffle my sobs.
Someone touched my shoulder, and I jumped. Gabby had a glass of water in her hand, hair messy, nightshirt hanging off one shoulder. When she saw my tears, she set the glass on the floor and hugged me.
“He-he’s l-leaving without m-me …” I whispered between soft sobs.
She stroked my hair. “I’m sorry, Eve.”