The Apple Tree (Sunday Morning #2)

Chapter 40

CHAPTER FORTY

BILLY OCEAN, “THERE’LL BE SAD SONGS”

Eve

“Cheer up, my beautiful girl,” Grandma Bonnie said, wrapping her arm around me as I flipped the gingerbread pancakes on the griddle Christmas morning.

I tried to smile.

“What’s keeping you here?” she asked, removing the cranberry muffins from the pans and arranging them into a basket.

My mom and sisters were setting the table, and my dad and Sarah’s boyfriend were huddled by the wood-burning stove, drinking coffee.

“He doesn’t want me,” I said.

“Oh, I don’t believe that.”

“He said it’s not our time. That means he doesn’t want me.”

“When did he say that?” she asked.

“A couple weeks ago.”

“He’s scared.”

I shrugged. “Well, I want to be with someone who’s not afraid, so his loss.”

She chuckled. “Indeed.”

I didn’t mean it. I wanted to be with him whether he wanted me or not. I wanted to be with Josh. I wanted Clifford.

A messy life.

New adventures.

Fights that ended in passionate kisses where he called me out on my stubbornness.

I wanted the teasing and flirting.

Winks and whispered song lyrics.

“Let’s eat,” Mom said, taking the plate of pancakes as soon as I slid the last few onto it.

Dad said the Christmas morning prayer, thanking God for bringing his family together, for taking care of me in my troubled times, and for His unconditional love. I smiled on cue, barely registering the conversation about Sarah’s life or Grandma’s griefs with the nursing home.

“Have you talked to Fred?” Gabby asked. And she never asked about Fred, nobody did except Mom.

Dad blotted his mouth with the napkin and cleared his throat. “I talked to him yesterday and wished their family a Merry Christmas.”

“They’re not visiting Kyle and Josh for Christmas?” Gabby kept quizzing him.

Mom eyed Dad. Sarah eyed me. And I shot my gaze to Grandma who seemed more interested folding her bacon before taking a bite than paying any attention to us.

“No. They’re with his parents for Christmas. But everyone will be together for New Year’s after they move back to Colorado,” Dad said without actually saying Kyle’s name. “Sarah, are you still attending the same church in Nashville?” He changed the subject.

Sarah bowed her head and murmured a quick, “Mm-hmm,” while cutting her pancake.

She wasn’t going to church. I almost felt sorry for my father for believing her. The only prayer Sarah did on Sundays involved screaming God’s name with an orgasm.

I wanted to go to that church too.

“Didn’t you get Josh a Christmas present?” Gabby asked me.

I was ready to throttle her. We’d been on good terms. She was on my team. What was happening?

I cleared my throat and offered everyone’s expectant gazes a stiff smile. “Yeah, I did. I’ll probably run it over later.” And by run it over, I meant I was going to set it on the porch step and run away so I didn’t have to see Kyle.

“I’ll take it over. I think one of our pie plates got left there, and I want to get it before they move,” Mom said, smiling at Dad.

He studied me as if getting Josh a present was a sin. Maybe Gabby thought she was helping me by easing into the topic of the gifts I planned on taking next door. But there was no easing with my father. I felt his shame in front of everyone on Christmas morning, and it was embarrassing.

I pushed back in my chair and rested my hands on the edge of the table, releasing a slow breath. I didn’t want to see Kyle, but I also didn’t want anyone telling me that I couldn’t see him. “I want a drink right now.” I murmured. “Because it’s how I dealt with this overwhelming feeling of judgment. And it’s how I escaped emotions that were too much to bear. So, while it might be easy for everyone to ignore that I fell in love with Kyle, it’s not easy for me.”

My vision blurred behind my tears as I focused on my plate of half-eaten food. “And the only thing worse than feeling like my heart doesn’t matter or I’m wrong for feeling the way I do is the soul-crushing reality that he’s leaving soon. And I have nothing to ease the pain.” I slowly stood.

Sarah reached for my wrist. “Go with him,” she said.

“Sarah,” Dad warned.

I gave her a sad smile, pulling my hand from her hold to wipe the tears that broke free. “I can’t,” my voice broke. “He doesn’t want me.”

Sarah’s eyes instantly reddened. We had always shared each other’s pain.

I sniffed and looked at my parents. “Happy? He doesn’t want me to go with him. Do you feel redemption? Are you dying to say you told me so? Should we go around the table and let everyone share something stupid Eve has done to show how immature and naive I am?”

“Eve,” Mom said, pushing back in her chair.

“Don’t.” I shook my head. “I should have stayed in rehab. Nobody judged me there. They just”—I wiped more tears—“listened. Like God—He just listens. And He lets me live my life, love who I want, and learn lessons in my own way. All the while just … silently listening.” I sniffled and released a tiny laugh. “I see why you like to talk about Him so much. He’s pretty awesome. If only all fathers could love like that.” I headed toward the stairs, pressing the back of my hand to my nose and holding my breath to keep from letting them hear the sobs that were clawing to escape.

The tears subsided, and I fell asleep. I woke sandwiched between my sisters, Gabby at my back, and Sarah’s big blue eyes staring at me too close for comfort.

“Come to Nashville with us,” Sarah said. “The only way not to spend the rest of your life hating our parents is to leave and give everyone room to breathe.”

“You can’t leave me,” Gabby said, hugging my waist.

Sarah smirked at Gabby. “The world feels so small in Devil’s Head. Everything is magnified and suffocating. And freedom is magical. It’s nature’s drug.”

“And I’ll forget all about him?” I asked.

She frowned. “No. But if you stay here, all you’ll do is stare out that window and think of him, even when he’s no longer there. And you’ll feel guilty for missing him because our parents will never let you feel anything but guilty. They love us. They just have a painful way of showing it.”

“It’s like I’m not here,” Gabby said. “You can’t leave me.”

“Pfft. You’re the baby. Eve and I have paved the way through blood, sweat, and tears. As long as Dad never sees that you’ve been defacing your Bible, you’ll be fine. Stay a virgin until you marry the man of Dad’s dreams, and you’ll be golden.”

“Shut up.” Gabby laughed, and so did I.

“Do you have room for me?” I asked.

“Of course. We have a spare bedroom. We’ll help you find a job. You’re going to love Nashville.”

“Mom and Dad won’t be happy,” Gabby said.

“They’re never happy,” Sarah said.

“When?” I asked.

“We’re going to stay with Isaac’s parents over New Year’s, but after that, we can come back here and help you get packed and moved.”

I twisted my lips.

“You’re supposed to squeal and jump up and down. You’re moving out of Devil’s Head. Isn’t it your dream?”

My dream wasn’t a place. It was a person.