The Boss

Chapter 26

Chaz

My best friend…he’d wished my wife was dead.

What the actual fuck? That was not the man I’d known since childhood, not even close.

He’d wished her gone from Pippen Creek, no longer a part of my life. Well, he’d gotten what he wanted, and the woman’s heart along with her unborn child’s no longer beat. And the father of that baby was probably broken beyond repair.

And me? I was just downright pissed over his betrayal of both me and my wife.

Anger seared through my veins, devouring all other emotions in its path. I clung to the rage as it burned the others to ash easily blown away on a wind through my mind.

How could Jamie Forester stoop to that level of shittiness? Hell, I’d wanted my freedom more than he ever could, and I’d never once hoped something bad happened to Shelly.

I’d striven to make things better even though we’d been miserable.

Hadn’t I?

Second-guessing started up in my brain, loud as fuck between my ears. I remembered the negativity and complaining she’d heaped on my head every night when I got home. Pleasing her had been an impossibility.

What more could I have done? Surely, there’d been something I’d missed, some way of easing the tension and conflict between us.

I needed to quiet the voices in my head and had demanded Jamie leave because I couldn’t stand the sight of him in that moment.

What had been a beautiful moment turned into a nightmare.

Any trace of happiness I’d felt while being with Jamie had been torn away by the evidence, the goddamned reminder of my failure, on my fingertips. I’d been too far gone in my lust to think shit through, and the mistake of not using a condom could have put Jamie at risk.

I wasn’t sure of the timing of Shelly’s affair. Had she been fucking the guy before we stopped having sex? Was I unknowingly carrying around some nasty disease?

I should have told Jamie what she’d done the second the sight of my cum brought reality crashing back into me but couldn’t bear the humiliation of another man giving her what I couldn’t. I would drive into Berlin tomorrow and get tested. If everything was okay, there was no reason I had to reach out to the man who had betrayed not just her memory but me as well.

The door closed behind him with a click that sounded a lot like a final nail in a coffin. Wrong fucking simile or metaphor—or whatever—but there the fuck it was.

Whiskey called for me, a quiet whisper promising numbness from the pain ripping through me, but I’d been trying to abstain. Deal with shit like a strong human, not some weakling who didn’t deserve the Henderson name.

“Arg!”

I hollered and ripped at my hair, uncaring that sticky wetness still clung to my fingers. “Fuck!”

I wanted to punch something. Kick a wall in. Tear down the house around me.

Teeth bared, I growled at the empty room, my pulse speeding and muscles quivering. Fists at my sides, I looked around for something to destroy without hurting myself in the process. Had to keep my hands healthy. Work depended on it.

Nostrils flaring, I closed my eyes and sucked in oxygen, a low keening noise filling the air.

“Jesus fucking Christ!”

I hollered. A quick stomp around allowed me to snatch my clothes up off the floor, I kicked my shoes toward the rack where Shelly had demanded I always leave them by the front door, and I stalked up the hallway.

I tossed my clothes in the hamper and yanked the shower faucet on, stepping beneath the spray before it heated up to distract me from my thirst for alcohol.

“Fuck!”

I clenched my jaw against the ice-cold water pelting my skin. Having something to focus on helped me to draw breath even if it stuttered through chattering teeth.

I closed my eyes and willed myself to still, searching out that numbed peace that had settled over me when the surgeon had informed me of Shelly’s death.

The water warmed, running over tense muscles that refused to relax.

Soap.

Scrub him from my flesh.

Watch the reminder of being inside his body and the connection I’d found euphoria in disappear down the drain.

A sob ripped from me unexpectedly at the finality of Jamie being gone, and I gulped to fill my lungs. Another anguished howl spilled from my lips, and I slumped onto the shower stall, head hanging as water beat on me.

I hadn’t thought my sorrow would ever make itself known in such a violent way, all-consuming and agonizing, attempting to cut off my ability to breathe. I’d been stupid to think grief meant crying for what Shelly had lost and the friendship she and I had once shared. Neither compared to how Jamie had fractured my heart.

This…this is what true heartache feels like.

A few weeks’ worth of therapy helped me set my head straight somewhat, allowing me to at least go through the motions beyond mere survival in my renewed misery. So did having a negative test result in my hands. We were safe. I hadn’t put Jamie’s health in danger, thank fuck. Didn’t change my disappointment or anger at him for what he’d dared to wish though. I couldn’t begin to think about forgiving him any more than I could myself.

I ignored the passing of Thanksgiving that I used to spend with Jamie before he’d left for college. Shelly and I would to go to my parents for the holiday, but I couldn’t be bothered to return Mom’s text asking me to join them. Considering the outcome of our last dinner as a family, I didn’t expect a calm or enjoyable visit.

I’d made the choice to completely cut their toxicity out of my life, which had been easier than expected. While my mother hadn’t exactly been toxic, her silence proved her inability to love me above herself. Yet another pile of shit to share with my therapist.

I spent that Thursday at the shop instead since I was bogged down with both large and smaller jobs that would keep me busy for most of the winter.

It was time to hire someone. While I couldn’t figure out the numbers in my attempted budget, I had no choice. People wouldn’t wait forever for their vehicles, and there weren’t enough hours in the day for me to get the work done on my own. Having to believe that the faster I moved cars through the shop, the more money I would make, I put an ad in the local flyer.

Of all townsfolk to answer, Josh, Jamie’s backup quarterback from the season, had come sauntering into my office the Saturday after Thanksgiving, asking me to take a chance on him. He’d spent his childhood tinkering alongside his dad on small engines—lawn mowers, motorcycles, ski mobiles, and such. He also knew how to change oil, rotate tires, and he had even done a brake job with his dad once. While he was only available after school and on Saturdays, no one else inquired about the position.

Having no other options, I hired the kid, thankful at least that I didn’t have to pay him top dollar. The fact he was openly gay and that I could provide a safe place for him made the choice even easier.

Someone young and full of life brought a tiny bit of sunshine to the shop. Josh enjoyed blasting pop music, singing along with his favorite artists. While I doubted I could ever be converted into a Swiftie as he claimed to be, I could appreciate the woman’s music and often found myself humming along with the catchier tunes.

Having someone involved in my tiny corner of the world felt…good. And with every passing day and hour spent spilling all my secrets to my therapist, the emotions churning inside me began to quiet. I could go minutes, sometimes up to an hour without thinking about Shelly or Jamie.

“Joshy!”

A voice called over the music playing on Josh’s Bose speaker, and I stepped out from beneath a car up on the lift.

Kyle, Josh’s boyfriend, stood inside the shop’s door, face red from the biting cold outside, a grin on his face.

Josh dropped the ratchet he’d held, the clatter on the floor making me smile rather than frown over his disregard for my tools. He threw himself at Kyle, who wrapped his arms and legs around the kid, spinning him around like they hadn’t seen each other in weeks, when earlier, Josh had told me they’d gone to the movies in Berlin the night before.

Their lips locked, and I looked away, an ache growing in my chest over their complete freedom to love without hindrance or issue.

It had been because of their kissing that Jamie had followed me home. It had been because of Kyle and Josh that I’d finally gotten a taste of what an intimate relationship with my old best friend could be like. Addictive in the moment, but his usual brutal honesty afterward was more hurtful than anything I’d ever experienced.

One of the highest and lowest points of my life, a dream come true and regret all wrapped up in one untidy package no person ought to have to lug around on their shoulders.

Forgiveness would be key in moving forward, according to my therapist, but not just for Jamie or even my parents. For myself. While I could finally admit without questioning that I hadn’t been responsible for Shelly’s choices that led to her death, I still hadn’t been able to pardon myself for putting my own thoughts and needs above hers, which had led to her loneliness.

Wasn’t sure I ever would.

Kyle took off a few minutes later, and Josh was all giddy, pink cheeks, and sparkling eyes as he ambled over toward me.

“Sure you don’t mind him stopping by like that? I can tell him to wait for my lunch break.”

I shook my head. “No. It’s fine.”

While I attempted to smile, I failed.

“You all right, Mr. Henderson?”

“Chaz,”

I repeated what I’d been doing since Josh had started working for me a couple of weeks ago.

“Still—you okay?”

Josh pushed.

“It’s…bittersweet, I guess, seeing you with your boyfriend.”

“Can I be nosy and ask why?”

He leaned against the workbench, arms crossed while I eyed the exhaust I’d installed on the car overhead.

The kid was always poking into business he had no right to, but for some reason, I didn’t mind him being up in my personal space. I expected it was what having a younger sibling might be like, and I didn’t hate it. The kid was only six years my junior after all. I’d come to care about the boy who was an open book, sharing bits and pieces of him that took me outside of my own head.

“I was in love with my best friend once, just like you.”

Still am.

“But weren’t you—”

He swallowed the rest of whatever question he had as though realizing he might be nosey about a sensitive topic.

“Before I married Shelly,”

I tacked on, expecting that’s where he’d been headed. Satisfied with the job I’d completed, I moved from beneath the car and started to lower it.

I could feel Josh’s eyes on me and gave him my focus when the lift settled to the ground. Like me, he wore a navy-blue jumpsuit, grease-stained and filthy. His dark hair was a ruffled mess, from Kyle’s hands or lack of a brush before coming in to work, I had no clue. Hadn’t really checked the kid out when he’d arrived a few hours earlier.

“What’s on your mind, Josh?”

I grabbed a towel off the bench beside him and wiped my hands.

“You played ball in high school with Coach, didn’t you?”

A million memories of uniforms, the gridiron, and ass slaps flooded my mind, but I pushed against them, refusing to linger on what would only bring more pain.

“Yeah.”

I tossed the rag aside.

Josh studied me, his eyes revealing he put puzzle pieces together in that crafty brain of his.

“I didn’t have the balls back then that you do,”

I said. “Didn’t want to chance heartache, so I chose the safer route.”

He nodded, proving my assumption of what he’d figured out. “Coach said watching you marry someone else hurt worse than his knee injury.”

That news hit me like a punch to the gut, ripping the air from my lungs. Jamie’s truth tore through me, leaving a gaping hole behind.

The day his knee ligaments had torn to shreds had ended his lifelong dreams, and he’d told Josh losing me had caused him even more pain?

Fucking hell, why did agony stab at my heart and tighten my throat?

“It’s a good thing you found the courage to tell Kyle how you felt,”

I said, my voice nothing but gravel and regret.

“Didn’t want to live with the what-ifs.”

Josh shrugged. “Best decision of my life because it turned out in my favor. Maybe it’ll work for you two this time. Won’t know if you don’t try, Mr. Henderson.”

He walked off to finish the job he’d been taking care of before his boyfriend had shown up.

What-ifs.

There were a shit ton of those in my head I’d been attempting to move on from at the insistence from my therapist. Couldn’t change the past, only stride forward. My goal was to live with less of those pesky questions in the future, but I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that.

One foot in front of the other, I’d been telling myself lately.

I’d begun to get my own groceries again instead of having The Market deliver. I’d even swung by Pedro’s Pizza to pick up dinner one night last week rather than having it dropped at the shop like I sometimes did.

Sunday morning, I woke feeling restless, my mind busy as usual but with Josh’s words added to the mess. I needed a break from cars and their parts too.

Kel’s face lit up when I walked through the door of Scone Haven, the scent of freshly baked deliciousness and coffee thick in the air, making my mouth water. “Good to see you, Chaz.”

I dipped my head in greeting while approaching the counter.

He leaned on it, blue eyes kind without a hint of pity, his white apron a little stained from his earlier baking in the kitchen out back.

“Thanks again for the fundraiser,”

I said even though I’d managed a phone call not long after Shelly’s death to offer the same.

“It’s the least I could do.”

Kel’s gaze flitted over my face. “How are you?”

He wasn’t a nosy gossiper, so I didn’t mind the question from my wife’s old boss. “Keeping busy. You?”

Kel shrugged. “Might have finally found a replacement for Shelly. Younger kid, new to town who used to work as a barista in North Conway. He starts tomorrow, so we’ll see. Want your usual?”

“Please. Thanks.”

He poured my black coffee into the biggest cup he had and handed it over along with one of the cranberry orange scones I could easily eat a dozen of.

The door pushed inward behind me, letting in a blast of cold air.

I could sense the person behind me before Kel glanced over my shoulder and greeted Jamie by name.

My pulse kicked up, and the fight-or-flight part of my brain went haywire.

Instead of taking off—I’d gotten out of the house for a reason, goddamnit—I dropped a ten on the counter and moved to the far corner where a table sat empty. A few patrons greeted me as I passed them by, but no one asked questions or attempted to pull me into conversation, thank fuck. It was enough I’d chosen to come out and be among the living.

Unless they stopped by my shop for a job, small talk with old acquaintances was another step for a different day.

I sat with my back to the counter, closed my eyes, and sipped my coffee, enjoying the heat sliding clear down to my empty stomach. Ignoring the buzz over my skin from being in the same room as Jamie wasn’t an option, but I would bear it until he left.

But of course, he approached, the hairs on my arms standing on end when he appeared in my periphery.

“This seat taken?”

Shaking my head, I gave my cup all of my attention as Jamie settled into the chair across the small table from me.

I had some shit to work through and wasn’t ready to forgive, but I refused to be an asshole or cause a scene by telling him to leave me alone when the deepest parts of me didn’t want him to. At least anger didn’t still burn bright in my chest like it had that night. Would have been nice though not to feel that sense of loss and emptiness that had taken over me ever since Josh shared with me what Jamie had told him.

Tension was a thick blanket over us, the kind of silence that stifled and made breathing difficult.

“Chaz—”

“Don’t,”

I mumbled, stopping him from apologizing.

His heavy exhale let me know I’d been right in assuming he’d been about to do that very thing.

“Fine. Onward it is,”

he muttered. He inhaled deeply and held it a second before opening his mouth again. “I’m moving to Berlin.”

Jamie’s statement hit me like that goddamned F-350 again, ripping the oxygen from my lungs and sending me into a spiral-like panic. Same as when my best friend had informed me he was headed to Boston College, I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t breathe.

I clutched at my coffee cup. This time, there was no Shelly for me to cling to in hopes of filling the void his absence would leave behind.