The Charlie Method (Campus Diaries #3)

Chapter Forty-Two Beckett

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

BECKETT

She was my entire world, and then she wasn’t

I CRAWL INTO MY OWN BED AND STARE UP AT THE CEILING, TRYING TO push away the thoughts spinning like a carousel in my mind. The room is dark, and the stillness that usually brings me comfort now feels oppressive, heavy. I hate leaving them, but staying feels too…dangerous.

The truth is, as much as I care about Charlie, as much as I want to be with her, I can’t let myself get too close. Not like that. Not when I know it will only hurt more in the end.

I’m starting to drift off when I hear her footsteps, see her shadowy frame walk into my bedroom. A moment later, the bed shifts beneath me. My heart skips a beat, and before I can react, Charlie is sliding under the covers, her warm body pressing against mine. She wraps her arms around me as the big spoon, her face nuzzling the crook of my neck.

“Baby,” I whisper, my voice thick with emotion. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t want you to sleep alone.” Her breath tickles my skin.

I swallow hard. “You should be with Will. You know that.”

She tightens her grip on me, refusing to let go. “No. I want to be with you. Right now, I need you, Beck.”

I sigh, closing my eyes. I feel my resolve crumbling. There’s something about this woman that makes it impossible to push her away, no matter how much I know I should.

“I don’t like sleeping with people,” I finally say.

“Why?” Her voice is soft but insistent. “Why don’t you like it?”

I hesitate, my mind flashing back to memories I’ve tried so hard to bury. “It’s too intimate,” I mumble after an interminable pause.

She pauses too, processing my words. “Is that because of your high school girlfriend? The one who cheated on you?”

I stiffen, the mention of Shannon stirring up a mix of bitterness and pain. “Yeah. Because of her.”

Charlie pulls me backward so that I’m lying prone and she’s peering down at me, searching my eyes in the darkness.

“What happened? I know she hurt you, but you never talk about it.”

She’s right. I don’t. And I don’t plan on starting now.

“It doesn’t matter what happened.” I shrug. “She was my entire world, and then she wasn’t.”

Charlie stays quiet, her gaze locked on mine, urging me to continue.

“What do you want me to say here, sugar puff?” I take a deep breath, my chest constricting at the memories. “We had plans. We were supposed to go to college together. We talked about moving in, starting this whole new life. I thought she was my future.”

“You must’ve been devastated when she ended it.”

I shrug again, my shoulders bumping the pillow.

“And I imagine there’s a lot of trust issues now. You’re scared to let anyone else in, right? You’re worried if you do, you’ll get cheated on again.”

“Actually, I’m not.” I give a wry chuckle. “I don’t ascribe someone else’s bad behavior on every new person I meet. I don’t see cheaters now everywhere I look.”

“But you’re afraid of getting hurt.”

“I guess. I don’t know. It’s like…there’s this wall around me now, and I can’t let anyone in. Not completely.”

“Not even me?”

“Especially not you,” I say roughly. “Because you deserve someone who can be there for you completely. Someone like Will. Larsen’s boyfriend material from head to toe.”

“Will’s amazing,” she agrees. “But so are you. You’re more than you think you are. You’re sweet and caring and protective. You’re boyfriend material too, whether you believe it or not.”

“I’m not. I’m not cut out for the deeper shit. And I don’t want to drag you down with me.”

“You’re not dragging me down. You’re lifting me up. Both of you are. Look at what you did for me tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever had a panic attack like that before, and you guys sat there with me, helped me breathe, and then made me forget.”

My heart squeezes when I remember how vulnerable she’d looked earlier. Scared. The tears streaking her cheeks. But she’s wrong. Will was the one who talked her down. Will was the one who told her he loved her.

And me? I just stood there. Mute.

I chew on the inside of my cheek, hesitating. “Will said he loved you.”

“I know. And…I said it back. Before I came in your room.”

I nod in the darkness. I want to say something, but the words stick in my throat.

“Beckett,” she whispers, her hand finding mine under the covers. “I love you too.”

The room seems to shrink. I can’t draw any oxygen into my lungs. She loves me. I knew it, deep down, but hearing her say it… It cracks something open inside me, my chest swelling with emotion.

For a moment, I can’t speak. I want to believe her, want to let myself fall into what Charlie and I have, what the three of us have, but the fear is still there, gnawing at the edges of my resolve.

I swallow. “I…I can’t say it back.”

“Why not?”

I shake my head, feeling like the worst person alive. “It’s not that I don’t feel something. I just—” I stop talking, my muscles tensing. I can’t fucking do this. “I can’t say it.”

Her fingers tighten around mine. “But do you feel it?”

Do I feel it? Yeah, of course I do. I’ve been falling for her for months. But saying it out loud feels like stepping onto a tightrope with no safety net.

She waits, and when I don’t answer, she asks again. “Do you feel it, Beckett?”

“I don’t know.”

That’s a lie. I know. But admitting it means letting her in. Fully. Letting her see all the parts of myself that I’m not ready to expose.

Silence stretches between us. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears, louder than it should be.

“What if you leave?” I blurt out, surprising even myself.

She sits up, confused. “What?”

I force myself to meet her eyes. “What if I let myself feel this, and you leave?”

Her features soften. She reaches out to touch my cheek, stroking my beard. “I’m not your ex. I would never hurt you.”

“You say that now. But you can’t see the future. People change their minds. People leave. You don’t know what will happen.”

“I know that I love you, more than I ever thought I would. I know I would never intentionally hurt you.”

I want to believe her. Fuck, I want to. But the fear has wrapped itself around my chest like a boa constrictor.

She leans over me, resting her forehead against mine. “Trust me, Ice Boy. I love you. I’m not going to hurt you.”

I close my eyes. She’s asking me to let her in, and I don’t know if I can.

“Please,” she murmurs. “Trust me.”

I exhale. Maybe I don’t have to say it. Maybe it’s enough, for now, to just hold on to her.

“I’ll try,” I say quietly, pulling her against my chest.

“That’s all I’m asking for.”

We stay like that for a while, her breathing evening out as she nestles closer. Eventually, I feel her body relax completely as she drifts off to sleep, but my mind continues to race.