Chapter 52
52
A sharp rap on the door made me wonder what she’d forgotten and I was grinning as I opened it to find Seamus staring back at me.
‘Oh, it’s you.’
‘Hey, Jo, delighted to see you too.’
I stood back to let him in. He stood leaning on the doorframe and I tried not to look at him while waiting for the kettle to boil. I’d never been so sick of drinking tea, but it still seemed to be the solution to keep myself busy.
I could feel his eyes watching me but was determined not to turn and meet his eyes. It was too painful. I was trying to push away all those rollercoaster feelings of did he like me? Yes, he did. But was it just as friends? I didn’t think I had the capacity to deal with this on top of everything else I’d discovered lately. He needed to just say the words and then I could move on from him.
‘Are you going to the carnival later?’ I asked, trying to make small talk.
‘Yeah, I’m hoping to. I thought I’d come and chat to you now in case we bump into each other later. There’s something I wanted to tell you. I’ve been spending a bit of time with Al recently. Al, my ex.’
‘Yeah. So I heard.’ I could hear my own voice deflating.
‘Ah, yes. I thought that the Sandpiper Shore gossip line must be quite warm at the moment.’
‘Red hot, I’d say.’ I glanced out the window, focusing on one particular seagull sitting on the edge of the decking.
‘She’s going to live in Dubai.’
My head snapped back.
‘Who is?’
‘Al.’ He looked puzzled.
‘Al?’ My brows furrowed.
‘Yes, Al.’
‘Al is a she?’
‘What are you talking about, Jo? Of course Al is a she.’
‘Oh, right.’ My head was starting to spin.
‘What the hell is happening here, Jo? What did you think Al was?’
‘A man?’
‘A man ?’
‘Are you going to just keep repeating everything I say, Jo?’
Realisation was very slowly starting to sink into my brain.
‘Is Al short for something, Seamus?’
‘Of course it is. It’s short for Alice. Why?’
‘Ha!’ The half-laugh sound left my mouth before I had time to think about it.
‘What the hell is happening here, Jo?’
‘I thought Al was a man. You said he was a Sky engineer.’
‘Al… she… is a Sky engineer.’
‘But Sky engineers are men.’
‘I didn’t have you down as a misogynist.’
‘I didn’t think I was. I just assumed…’
Shock registered on his face.
‘So you thought I was gay? Seriously?’ He started to smirk. He was so beautifully handsome when he smiled. It dawned on me then that it was OK to think this. That I could admit to myself once more that I did have feelings for this wonderful man who had come into my life. I laughed again.
‘Well… I… actually, yes. Or maybe bi?’
‘So you didn’t think that all the time we spent together was because I fancied the pants off you then?’
‘You fancied the pants off me?’
‘Jo, you’re doing that repeating thing again.’
Seamus took a step forward towards me, and reached out to tuck a stray hair behind my ear. As he touched me, it was like a spark ignited in my body.
‘You are an idiot, Jo Jenkins.’
‘It appears that I actually might be an idiot, Seamus Shaffernakker. So, just for the record then, you’re not gay? Or bisexual?’
‘I am not. If it helps, I could tell you how hard it was for me to sleep in the same bed as you the night before the wedding. How I had to get up early and escape the room, because I was scared that you might wake up and find me staring at you, thinking about how wonderful you were and how much I wanted to wake you up and make love to you.’
He cupped my face in his hands. I shivered at his touch.
‘Or I could tell you, when I saw you walk into the pub that night after you’d had your makeover, how utterly stunning you looked and how much I wanted to kiss you in front of everyone.’ He edged even closer to me and lowered his head to mine, and I could feel his warm breath as I pulled him closer still.
‘You did?’
‘Or I could tell you how, when we drove back from the hotel the night of the wedding, I wanted to pull over and take you in my arms, showering you with kisses and wanting to protect you from the world forever.’
‘Oh!’
‘Yes. Oh.’ He pressed his lips to mine and I heard a loud sigh escape my body. His lips were soft and gentle at first and then I could feel the intensity increase. I pulled away slightly.
‘Why didn’t you make a move on me, Seamus?’
‘Why? Because you couldn’t have made it plainer that you just wanted to be friends. You even said that you didn’t fancy me at one point and loved me being your friend. So I backed right off and settled for friendship.’
‘That’s because I was trying to convince myself. I didn’t think you felt that way about me. But you’ve been spending time with Al. Alice. What’s that all about?’
‘Alice and I had always been good friends. We should have stayed that way. She wanted to apologise for treating me the way she did and make everything right before heading off to Dubai. She’s finally found someone that she wants to settle down with and she needed my help with a couple of practical things. She actually wants to propose to him. That’s all. We’re just friends now. I also told her about this incredible new woman that I’d met and she said that she’d already known it because when I spoke about you, I lit up inside.’
‘Oh.’
‘There’s nothing between me and Al. Or me and anyone else for that matter. I wasn’t looking for anyone, Jo. And then you came along and exploded into my life.’
I sighed, everything suddenly feeling quite overwhelming.
‘I’m scared, Seamus.’
He tilted his head. ‘Of what?’
I scoffed.
‘Of everything. Of letting you down. Of not having the body of a twenty-year-old. Or the mind, come to think of it. I’m scared of a new relationship. Of trusting someone again. Relying on someone. Becoming dependent upon someone. I’m scared that you’ll find someone better, younger, nicer, thinner, smarter, blonder, more beautiful. Of having something wonderful and somehow buggering it all up. I can be a bit of a mess, Seamus. But most of all, I’m absolutely petrified of giving my heart away again.’
‘Now you listen to me, Jo Jenkins. I can’t promise you what the future holds, and there might be times when we don’t agree on things, mess things up, and we might even fall out, but I can promise you that we can work it all out. Together. Through the good times and the bad. And through it all, I promise that I’ll be careful with your heart. Don’t think about it as giving your heart away. Think of it as sharing it with me. And I’ll share my heart with you. And you only.’ A little bark outside the front door alerted us to the fact that maybe there was someone else that held a very special place in his heart too. Seamus rested his forehead against mine before we heard another little bark and I broke away to open the door. Theo ran in, went to his blanket, turned round a few times and settled down, his head on his paws. Seamus shrugged.
‘Well, maybe my heart belongs to my dog too. Talk about killing the moment.’ We both laughed and moved together again like magnets. We fitted together perfectly. ‘Now, where were we, Jo Jenkins?’
His hands slid into my hair as he gently teased my face up towards his and as he looked into my eyes, I melted. He made me feel safe and secure and I knew that I could trust him with my heart. I felt like I already knew every part of him. As I wrapped my arms around his back, there was literally no space between us and then we were lips on lips. One hand moved downwards from my hair and a soft moan escaped from somewhere within me as his hand brushed against my ribcage.