Chapter Twenty-Four
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I was awakened by a trail of soft, open-mouthed kisses placed between my shoulder blades.
My toes curled with the goose bumps traveling down my back, and I felt myself smile. “Matthew?”
He huffed a breath out against my skin. “Were you expecting to wake up and find someone else in your bed?”
I bit back a laugh and said as seriously as I could. “Hm… I dunno. What was your last name again?”
Matthew’s arms went around my body, and he jerked me against his chest in one swift motion, rolling us on our backs. I squealed out the laugh I’d been holding, his breath tickling my ear. It was deep and rowdy and it made me feel the kind of happy I hadn’t been in a while.
He tickled my sides, and I rushed out, “Okayokayokayokay.” But Matthew didn’t stop, and so I squealed some more, wiggling my body on top of his to free myself and—I felt him. Hard and long and very naked at my back.
My laughter died off, immediately replaced by a powerful wave of awareness. Need. Sultry and warm.
I felt his smile when he kissed my shoulder from behind me. “Can I ask you something?” he asked and I nodded my head, squirming, moving my ass against him. We both let out a hitched breath. “Why are you wearing so many layers of clothing? Don’t get me wrong, I want you warm, cozy, and happy. But I don’t even know when you left my side to suit up like this.”
I breathed out a laugh, although it sounded strained, still very aware of the heat at my back. God, I wanted him again. Several times. All day? All the time. Yes. I—
“Blue,” Matthew insisted. And to make a point he rearranged me, nestling himself right against my ass cheeks.
A shudder rocked me. Stupid pajamas. “I can’t sleep naked,” I confessed. “I feel… too exposed.” I swallowed at the way his hold changed, I knew he was going to do something. Hopefully. “What if a monster comes and gets me? What if there’s a fire and I need to climb out the window without clothes?”
There was a pause.
Then I was being rolled to the side, and as anticipated, Matthew turned me so I’d face him. He kissed the tip of my nose. I frowned at the tameness of that, and he chuckled in return. “I’d protect you,” he told me. “From the monsters.”
“You don’t think my explanation is silly? I’m closer to thirty than thirteen.”
“Nah,” he said quickly. Easily. His arm came around my waist and he pulled me in. Secured me against him. “You’re smarter than me. It never occurred to me that I might end up flashing my junk to a firefighter.”
The corners of my lips inched up. “Would you even care if you did?”
“Not really, no.” He shrugged. “I have great junk.”
I tried to stop it from coming out, but boy, I couldn’t not laugh. His eyes lit up, gaze going a little crazy, as if he couldn’t decide where to look. “You kinda do, I guess. Maybe.”
He brought me closer still. “He’s not hurt by your reluctance.” His chin dipped before adding, “He was there last night. For the moaning, the screaming, the coming, the Oh shit, Matt —”
I punched him in the stomach. Softly. A chuckle left him, unbothered. “I just knew you would be the kind of man who would talk about his penis in third person.”
He grasped my fist with one hand, bringing it up between us. It was my left. “And I knew you’d love that about me.” Matthew’s gaze lowered, and as much as that happy glow didn’t go away, something else entered his expression too. “Do you?” He swallowed. “Do you love that about me?”
I looked down at what had captured his attention. My ring finger. His grandma’s Claddagh ring. Mine, for the last few weeks. “I do,” I said, the words squeezing out of me. His eyes climbed up to mine. “I love that about you.”
I love every single thing about you.
“Are we really doing this, Matthew?”
He inched closer, not letting go of my hand when it pressed between his chest and the flannel of my top. “We’ll do anything we want. Anything we decide.”
We.
My chest expanded with… hope. It was fuzzy and overpowering. The kind that filled you up, bringing bubbles to your head. “I think I could really marry you.”
His laughter was soft, intimate, and it fell on my lips. “Flattery, meet Josie.”
“You know what I mean,” I told him. I was talking about walking down the aisle to him. Like it had been planned. I never thought it would really happen. “Do you think it’s going to make any difference? Outside of us.”
“I think I don’t give a shit what it does for Andrew if that’s what you’re asking me. I only care about you.”
I shot him a glance, even though I couldn’t blame him. Not after last night. “I have a reputation, too. Which is kind of justified by real facts, you know?”
“You have a life,” he told me. His mouth pressed against mine. “You don’t have a reputation. You have a heart that chose to believe in love. A beautiful mind that singled out every bad or ugly thing that came at you and stayed hopeful. You have the kindness to give second and third and fourth chances. You’d rather lose hours of sleep baking so someone can feel a little better the next day than take care of yourself. You showed up on some guy’s doorstep with a folder filled with printed job ads that you’d color coded. You have a fucking sun painted on the wall because it makes you smile. If someone fails to see all of that, or who you really are, then good.” A throaty sound left him. “More of you that’s just for me.”
My smile was slow, but I knew it was there, parting my face. Mirroring the butterflies filling every gap inside my chest. Even the hole that Mom had left, even if just for a little while. “Those should be your vows,” I told him, before doing the same and planting a hard kiss on his mouth. “Then you can pat your chest with your fist and growl a loud, Josie, woman. Mine. Just for me.”
His gaze darkening was the only warning before he rolled me on my back. Arms caged my head. “Poke fun at me, Baby Blue,” he rasped. “The truth is scary sometimes, but it doesn’t make it any less real.” I swallowed, and Matthew licked his lips. “That doesn’t mean you’re not getting that ass s—”
The doorbell rang.
My chest heaved with the words that had just been left unsaid.
Matthew’s nose flared. “Ignore it.”
It rang again.
Matthew’s jaw clamped, eyes filling up with an irritation I shared.
“You look so cute when you’re grumpy,” I told him before slipping under his arms. I snagged my robe and watched him as he let himself fall on his back with a curse. “Grumpy and horny. Yummy, even better now.” I tilted my head, watching how nice Matthew looked in my bed. Hunger rekindled in my belly. “Actually? Don’t move. Just stay there. I’ll see who it is, shoo them away, and be right back.”
And with that promise I sprinted out the door of my bedroom and down the stairs. The realization that Grandpa Moe had beat me to the door made me come to a slow stop before reaching the end of the staircase. Adalyn and Cameron stood there, bringing a smile to my face.
“Hi, guys,” I said with a wave. “To what do I owe the honor?”
My sister returned the smile. Then her gaze flickered behind me. “Morning. And hey, at least you’re not completely naked. Thanks.”
I looked over my shoulder to find Matthew in his briefs. No shirt, no pants, no nothing. Just the briefs, ruffled hair, his glasses, and a smile. I braced myself on the railing, and he was somehow immediately behind me. An arm snaked around my shoulders, pulling me to his chest. “I don’t like this extra layer of clothing here,” he murmured into my ear.
A chuckle escaped me. Fine, a giggle. It was a giggle.
“Can we speed things along?” a bored voice said. Bobbi popped in from behind Cameron, sending the man an unimpressed glance when he glared at her. “Small talk makes me uncomfy, and we have things to say.”
My lips popped open, but Adalyn beat me to it. “We want to make sure you’re okay,” my sister said, ignoring the other woman. “Last night was a lot, and Andrew… it wasn’t right. He overshadowed what the dinner should have been about. Which was the two of you, not him. Believe me, I talked to him. He wanted to come today, but we asked him to sit this one out.”
My hands had wrapped around Matthew’s forearm at some point. “Sit what out?”
“We’re pampering the bride-to-be,” Adalyn said, eyes shining with emotion.
Cameron brought her to his side with an arm. “I’m apparently also pampering.” His green eyes flicked to Matthew. “You’ll need to be clothed for that, by the way.”
“Pity,” Matthew muttered. He lowered his voice, just for me, “Is Adalyn about to start crying again? I think she might.”
I was pretty sure she might, in fact. Which was… strange, to say the least. I never knew weddings made Adalyn this emotional. But I wasn’t about to do my sister dirty and point that out. “Yay!” I exclaimed. “Totally unnecessary, but I’d absolutely love to be pampered and hang out. What’s the plan?”
“It’s a surprise,” Adalyn managed out. Barely.
I blinked at her. “Adalyn, are you sure you’re o—”
“She’s fine,” Bobbi interjected. “Can we go now? Time’s of the essence and we have places to be. And just like I told Burly Brit here, no men allowed. Especially not Blondie. Oh, and no. This is not a bachelorette, so there’s no need to get your singles out or wear your good underwear, yes? Now, move.” She clapped her hands, looking straight at us. “Let’s go. Come on. Oh, Maurice? Do you mind showing me to the coffee machine while we wait?”
The moment I jumped out of Adalyn’s car, I knew things were about to take a turn.
I should have predicted that this was where we were headed when we got on the interstate.
The white and baby pink sign crowning the door stared back, as if pointing a finger at me, poking fun. Always a Bride, it read. The irony was like a bucket of cold water to the face.
“Come on,” Bobbi said, ushering me forward with a hand. “Charleene is waiting for us.”
Charleene.
I remembered her. Kind face, a little uptight, well-intentioned. She’d tailored the gown I’d made a run in. One of them. Greg’s.
“I—”
“Nonsense,” Bobbi interjected. “I know you said you would take care of it, but you’re not walking down the aisle in something plain so… we’re splurging. If this was a normal wedding, it’d be months too late for any of this, but it’s Bobbi Shark organizing it, and Charleene and I have come to an understanding.” Bobbi’s hand rose and she rubbed her finger and thumb in a gesture. “Some lady with a perm helped me get your measurements from some costume for a Thanksgiving parade? We should just need to make some small adjustments. As you see, there’s nothing Bobbi Shark can’t do. Now, shall we?”
Bobbi didn’t wait for my response, so I watched her make her way inside the shop, remaining rooted in place.
Adalyn popped by my side. She hooked our arms together and gave me a smile. “If you want me to take her down, you just say the word, okay? You should be enjoying this.” Her eyes sparkled again, emotion welling. “I know I will. I never thought I’d get to do this with someone. Be there for my sister.”
Be there for my sister.
I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and squeezed her arm. “Let’s try to keep the taking Bobbi down to a minimum.” I made my mouth return the gesture. Back up my words. “This’ll be so much fun. I’m so excited.”
The moment I stepped inside Charleene’s Always a Bride bridal shop, I realized how much of a lie that was. The middle-aged, red-haired woman handed us one flute of champagne each, and before I could so much as take a sip, I was being yanked into a vortex of tulle, lace, silk, and organza. As if I was watching the scene unravel from above, I found myself in my underwear, inside a spacious dressing room, with Charleene fastening a gown around my torso.
“Hold your breath for me, honey,” I thought she said.
My lungs didn’t react. My brain couldn’t even process whether I was breathing. Was there air in my lungs?
She tugged at the fabric, making me brace a hand on the back of a Chesterfield sofa. God, who had a sofa inside a dressing room? Charleene, my mind answered. Which you knew because you’ve been here already. You’re always the bride. A second tug . Never the wife.
“All right,” Charleene muttered with a third and final pull. “I think this’ll do.”
My head dipped, appraising the gown. White. A layered skirt covered in tiny flowers. I swallowed. “I don’t have shoes,” I heard myself say.
“Don’t worry,” Charleene responded, clasping my arm and leading me out the door of the dressing room. “I have a pair out here. A six and a half, right?”
I stumbled down a narrow hallway, walking beside the woman for what seemed an eternity. Was the dressing room that far? She smelled like peonies and bergamot. The whole shop did. It had all those years ago, so some things never changed. “My feet,” I mumbled. Every step felt like I was putting weight on a twisted ankle. Blood pumping in joints and odd locations of my body. “My ankles feel a little weird. I don’t think the shoes will fit.”
All Charleene did was laugh. I didn’t know why. It was strained and strange and the sound was the last thing I heard before somehow being shoved onto a platform.
Bobbi and Adalyn materialized in front of me.
My sister’s brown eyes welled up, and a tear slipped down her cheek. She mumbled something before whispering, “Oh my God, Josie.”
“Well, that was quick,” Bobbi said from her side. I looked at her in time to see her down her glass of champagne. “I don’t think there’s a point in trying anything else, Josephine. You look perfect.”
Perfect.
I blinked at them, my brain struggling to sieve through words and my body feeling like one big pounding bell. Being hit by a hammer with every beat of my heart. Hands fell on my shoulders, turning me around.
My reflection crystallized before my eyes, blue eyes staring back at me wide and… void.
“I’ll get the shoes,” Charleene said, her voice sounding distant. Away. “Be right back.”
For the fifth time in my life, I stood in front of a mirror, dressed in all white. Ironically, this time, the dress was something I would really choose. Something that had nobody else’s interest at heart when hanging off a rack. Scoop neckline, thin straps, cummerbund-style waist. It was simple, if not for the intricate top layer of the skirt, covered in tiny, beautiful, embroidered flowers. It was perfect. Although perhaps… perhaps I was wrong.
Maybe it wasn’t perfect. Maybe it didn’t have my interests at heart. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe I was. The woman inside. Beneath. Inside the gown. I flexed my hands, feeling funny.
Images of what Saturday was supposed to be, to look like, with me in this dress, started taking form. Matthew standing there at the end of an aisle lined with rows of chairs. Smiling at me like he had this morning before we left. Like he had last night. Like every other time before. Everyone I loved was there. Grandpa Moe, Adalyn, Cameron. Everyone from town. Matthew’s parents, who believed… believed we’d fallen in love. Weeks ago. Months. Andrew, who’d asked to walk me down that stretch of carpet that would be rolled at our feet. Andrew who I… Who I’d said yes to. I would love that, my father walking me down the aisle. Of course. But would I? Did I love that when I didn’t even know why he was doing this? Whether he wanted me or not?
Whether he’d get this and disappear all over again?
Would Matthew do the same if that happened? Would he leave if he discovered all the ugliness beneath the dress? Every single emotion I’d ignored all these weeks? Every accusation, every single thing that had been broken. By me or somebody else.
We were backward after all. My ring— Dear God. My ring wasn’t even turned around. How could Matthew accept that? How could he accept me? How could I let Andrew walk me to the man I loved when he wasn’t even supposed to? It should never have been Andrew. Not like this.
I looked down. Brought my hand up. Pulled at my finger, trying to make this one wrong right. At least one. Just the one. It was the least I could do.
“Josie?” Adalyn’s voice slipped in. Pushing through the ringing I hadn’t noticed in my ears. “Josie, breathe.”
My head turned. Was I not breathing?
Adalyn paled. “I think she’s having a panic attack.”
Was I? Hands moved, traveling to my chest. I noticed it was heaving, the sound of the air as it barely went in or out reaching my ears. But that wasn’t important now. My ring was. Matthew’s ring. So beautiful, so unique. And I couldn’t get it off. Make it right for him.
“I can’t,” I heard myself mumble. My hands clashed, fingers fumbling against each other, fighting for control. Something was stuck. Something always was. “I need— I can’t— I don’t—” Air erupting out of me stopped my words.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a blond bob approaching, before being intercepted by someone. My sister. Soft hands were on me. “Josie.” Adalyn’s face. Her eyes. Sharp and filled with concern. I pulled away, feeling too overwhelmed. Feeling like I was going to implode. “Josie, you’re scaring me. You’re crying, and you need to breathe, please. Please. Do that for me? I know it feels too big right now, too hard, but you can do it. You can do this.”
I can’t.
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t do this.
I was always a bride.
“Matthew,” came out of me with a sob. I pulled at my hand, as if my body had gone on automatic. Nothing was coming out, but something had to. Something must. “I want Matthew. I need—I need Matthew.”
Adalyn stood up, and without her support I felt myself curl into a ball.
“Someone get Matthew,” she shouted. “Now.”