The Funny Thing About Love

54. Charlie

54

CHARLIE

‘Oh, erm . . . nothing to worry about, Nick. I’ve got it under control!’ Nate forces a too-loud laugh and shrugs as if to show Nick it’s no big deal. ‘Can we . . . Did you need something?’ he stammers, clearly wondering why the hell my father is suddenly standing there.

‘When one of my shows’ writing staff are screaming at each other two hours before a live broadcast, word usually reaches me somehow, Nate.’ He nods at Bishi as he climbs the three steps up to the stage. I see Nate look daggers at her and suddenly know exactly who alerted Nick. Nate stiffens as Nick approaches him. He looks completely freaked out.

To be honest, I’m feeling the same way.

A second ago, I was so, so ready to burst back in here and call Nate out in front of everyone. The fucking gall of him – to think it’s OK, as a boss, to make a move on a fucking intern. And, as if that isn’t grim enough, to then punish Nell for rejecting him . . . My blood was pumping. I had nothing to lose here; I’d probably never even set foot in this building again after today, and I was all set to expose him – even if Nell wasn’t.

But now Nick’s in the room. And I’m starting to shrink back into myself, the way I always do when I’m near him.

Up on stage, he stares at Nate and Talia in turn. ‘Now, what exactly is going on?’

Nate tries to speak but Talia cuts him off. ‘Nate’s pulling our best sketch from tonight’s show. The opener. And no one understands why.’

‘It’s just not working, T-Double!’ Nate cries. ‘I don’t know why none of you can see that.’

‘I think it’s working perfectly,’ says Kay flatly. ‘And I’m the one who’s in it.’

Nate runs his hands through his hair and turns to Rich. ‘Rich? Come on, mate. Surely you see what I’m saying?’

Rich flushes at suddenly being the centre of attention. ‘Erm . . . well, I guess . . . maybe Nate has a point?’ he mumbles.

Talia gawps at him. ‘Rich, what the fuck, man? You were in hysterics watching this thing an hour ago.’

Rich mutters something I can’t hear, and Nick holds his hand up to stop him. ‘Listen. I understand that you “creatives” are all very hot-headed,’ he says patronisingly, making finger speech marks around ‘creatives’. ‘But I’ve got an audience due in here in two hours. So I just need a show that runs smoothly.’ He turns to Nate. ‘Have you got another opener you can use?’

Nate nods. ‘Yeah. We’ll just shuffle some other stuff about. T-Double, we can put your Gardeners’ World sketch first.’

‘Or Nell’s job-interview sketch?’ Talia suggests. ‘That’s funnier.’

Nate sighs and pulls at his goatee. ‘I have to say . . . I don’t think that job-interview thing’s working either.’

Kay and Talia groan in unison and I glance at Nell. Her jaw is set and her eyes are glistening. Fucking Nate. There’s no way he can get away with this. ‘Let me say something,’ I whisper to Nell.

We’re still right up the back, in the darkness. I’m not sure any of them even know we’re in here. Nell just shakes her head and keeps her eyes on the stage.

‘What’s your problem with Nell’s sketches suddenly?’ Talia demands. ‘They’re shit-hot, Nate. Everyone thinks so.’

‘I just think we were a bit . . . hasty,’ Nate says. ‘She’s only an intern. And we’re suddenly letting her write stuff for the actual show. I’m worried it makes us look a bit amateur.’

I hear Nell take a sharp breath next to me. I’m desperate to say something, but I don’t want to speak without her approval.

‘Look, if a sketch is funny, it doesn’t matter who wrote it,’ Kay snaps. ‘And Nell’s sketches are fucking funny.’

Talia nods. ‘What she said.’

‘Plus, she won’t be “only an intern” for much longer,’ Bishi chips in from the side of the stage. ‘We’ll be offering her the writers’ assistant role later today.’

Nate holds up his hand. ‘Well, hang on, that’s not definite yet, Bish. I’m thinking of advertising for outside candidates.’

That, right there, is too much. I can’t just stand here and listen to this shit. I take one step down and open my mouth to speak. But Nell beats me to it.

‘Nate . . . Please don’t do this,’ she says.

They all turn to look up at us. The technicians, the camera guys, the actors, the writers, Bishi. And the four people on stage: Kay, Nate, Talia and Nick.

‘Who is that?’ Talia squints up at us, holding up a hand to shield her eyes from the stage lights. ‘Is that you, Nell?’

Nell starts walking down the steps, and I walk with her. I see Nick raise his eyebrows as he realises I’m here.

Nate looks even more panicked than he did when Nick showed up. ‘Erm, yeah, listen, Nell . . .’ he begins, as we carry on walking down the stairs towards the stage. ‘I just think maybe I was a bit hasty with your sketches. They definitely show promise, don’t get me wrong, but –’

‘You thought they showed more than just promise two weeks ago, when you used my scooter sketch – without crediting me.’ Her voice is quiet, but there is real venom in it. It takes me a second to process what she’s just said. That sketch about Jed Greening’s scooter . . . that was Nell’s?

‘What is she talking about, Nate?’ Talia says slowly. ‘You said that scooter thing was your idea.’

‘I . . . I mean, it was!’ Nate stammers. ‘Kind of. I – rewrote most of it, so –’

Nell interrupts him. ‘I get what this is about,’ she says. ‘I just don’t think it’s fair that you’re doing it.’ Her cheeks are bright red and her eyes are still shining. I can see how hard this is for her. But I’m so fucking happy she’s doing it.

‘Nell – what are you talking about?’ Kay asks.

‘A couple of nights ago . . . Nate tried to kiss me.’

‘What the fuck?’ Talia turns to Nate, her eyes blazing. ‘Is that true?’

Nate tries to laugh, but it doesn’t come off. ‘Listen, Nell, sorry – I think you might have got your wires crossed. It’s no problem. It’s just that –’

Talia cuts him off. She is literally shaking. ‘Is that what happened with that Clara girl too?’ she demands. ‘Is that why she quit the internship early? Because I’ve always wondered.’

Clara. I remember her – she had been standing with Daphne at that interns event. She said she’d worked on Punching Up a couple of years ago. Did Nate make a move on her as well? His creepy comments about Daphne last week suddenly flash into my head again. Has he been pulling this shit for years?

Kay is rounding on Nate now too, and he looks genuinely frightened. Talia jabs a finger at him. ‘I still remember how horrible you made my life after you asked me out – in my first week here – and I said no. You constantly undermined me, rejected all my stuff, even though I knew it was good. It took me years to get my confidence back, Nate. Years. If you think I’m going to let you do all that again to someone else, you can fucking think again.’

Next to me, I hear Nell mutter, ‘What?’ I can’t believe what I’m hearing either.

Nate starts stammering incoherently, trying to defend himself, until Nick clears his throat and speaks over everyone. ‘OK, listen!’ he booms. ‘We can deal with all this stuff later. Right now, we’ve got a show to put on. And Nate’s still the head writer here. So, when it comes to the sketches, what he says goes. All right? Just get tonight’s show on the air, and we’ll sort everything out afterwards.’

Nate nods. Talia opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Eventually, she just laughs and shakes her head. No one else says anything.

‘Nick. What the fuck are you doing?’

At first, I’m not even sure I say it out loud. But the fact that everyone is now staring at me in complete shock seems to suggest that I did.

Nick blinks and peers down at me from the stage. ‘What . . . what did you just say, Charlie?’

I look at Nell. Her eyes are wet and her breathing is ragged. Right now, I honestly don’t care what happens next. I can deal with Nick humiliating me, or security throwing me out, or whatever. I just want to make sure Nell’s sketch gets performed – with her getting full credit this time. And also that Nate gets what’s coming to him.

I swallow and step up onto the stage to face Nick. ‘You’ve just heard two of your employees say that Nate has behaved completely inappropriately towards them,’ I say, trying to keep my voice level. ‘Not just inappropriately. Fucking . . . predatorially. And you’re just like, “Oh well, the show must go on”?’

An entirely new expression is on Nick’s face. Entirely new to me, anyway. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever seen him look worried. Unsure of what’s about to happen. ‘Charlie . . . Listen, old boy, this isn’t really the time to –’ he starts.

‘No, you listen,’ I cut in. ‘Nell’s sketch is brilliant. Everyone in this room knows it. Even Nate. But he’s angry that Nell rejected him, so he’s punishing her by cutting it. And it sounds like he’s done this before. You’re supposed to be the boss here. So fucking act like it. Make the right decision – for once in your life.’

The silence in the studio is deafening. To my left, I can feel Nate’s eyes burning a hole in me. But I keep my gaze on Nick. He stares at me open-mouthed for a few more seconds. Then he lets out a humourless laugh. He looks as shocked at my outburst as I am.

‘OK. Nate . . . let’s have a chat in my office.’

Nate holds up his hands in protest. ‘But, Nick, I think you were right, we should focus on getting tonight’s show in place, and then we can –’

‘My office. Now,’ Nick says firmly. And then he turns to Bishi. ‘Bishi – you and Talia are in charge of this evening’s show. You decide the running order. I don’t care which sketches get in; I just want an hour of television on the air tonight.’

Bishi nods. Nate suddenly lurches towards me. For a second, I think he’s going to try to hit me, and I’m more than ready to go. But he just stomps straight past me, off the stage and towards the side door.

‘Fuck this. Fuck all of you,’ he snaps as the door slams shut behind him.