The Garden of Memories

Chapter 19

The wet sand dune is the colour and texture of cinder toffee as Rose and the children run down it to join Bella on the beach. Crumbling underfoot, the sand slides away as Wesley takes great ‘moon landing’ jumps and goes into a forward roll. Laughing, Rose tells him to be careful, but it’s too late as he surfaces, at last the right way up, with a mouthful of sand.

‘Mummy!’ His wail has a nearby family whipping their heads round in surprise. ‘Mummy! It tastes nasty!’

Bella leaves setting up the beach tent and runs to his aid with a wet wipe, which doesn’t help, because that apparently tastes like shampoo and sets off more wails and tears. She looks at her mum in despair as she struggles with her son and mouths, Help!

‘Hey, come on. You’ll be perfectly fine. Keep spitting and then have a drink,’ Rose says, in her best calming yet authoritative tone. The one she perfected in the days of ‘I used to be a nurse’.

Molly thinks the whole thing is hilarious, then sneakily grabs a biscuit from the picnic bag when she thinks everyone is preoccupied with her bother, and nobody has noticed. Rose has noticed but says nothing.

Eventually, Wesley is quiet, save a few shuddering sobs as he sits on his mum’s knee. ‘How about a biscuit to cheer you up and take the nasty taste away?’ Rose suggests. She looks at her granddaughter. ‘Can you pass one please, Molly?’

‘Yeah, I’ll have one too.’

‘You’ve already had one just now.’ Rose tries to keep her face straight as Molly gawps, incredulous.

‘I … I—’ Molly stops and shrugs, as she knows by her grandma’s face she’s not getting anywhere. ‘Okay, fair cop.’

This deadpan response from a six-year-old sets Rose off laughing, and it’s some time before she can get her breath back. She sits quietly, taking in the golden sand, the shush of the waves rolling to shore, the laughter in the eyes of Bella and the giggling children and wishes she could capture this moment forever. Joyous. Times like this – plain, simple. Pure joy.

‘That one should be on the stage when she grows up.’ Bella finishes setting up the tent and hands Rose a sandwich.

‘She should be on the stage right now, if you ask me.’

‘What stage?’ Molly asks, her mouth full of ham and cheese.

‘In the theatre or on TV, because you’re so funny,’ her mum replies.

‘Yes! I’d love to be on TV.’

‘And me!’ Wesley punches the air and his sandwich falls from his fist into the sand. His face falls. ‘Mummy!’

‘Never mind, here’s another,’ Rose laughs.

* * *

After lunch, the children dig holes in the sand while Rose and Bella sit on beach chairs sipping a well-earned coffee. She can’t remember the last time she came to Crantock beach, but it has always been one of her favourites. A wide expanse of golden sand and sheltered by sand dunes. ‘Peace at last.’ Bella sighs and pats her mum’s arm. ‘Thanks for helping out, Mum. You’re worth your weight in gold, and such a calming influence on the kids.’

Is she? She hadn’t really noticed, but she’s glad Bella thinks so. ‘You’re welcome. I’m just loving spending time with you all. And even though everything isn’t sorted yet with a home and the job situation, it’s brilliant to have you back. It’ll all work out, I’m sure of it.’ Rose isn’t given to adding platitudes to conversation for the sake of it. She really does think it will work out.

‘Me too. Call it a gut feeling.’

Rose smiles. If both of them think it will work out, then the chances are they’re right. She wishes she had a similar feeling about Josh’s sister, Lucy. It’s been four days and the poor girl is still on life support. He’s kept her posted and she’s talked him through some tough times, once in the early hours. Again, her nursing experience helped, but she wishes she could do more.

‘You heard any more about Lucy?’

‘I think we are psychically connected today!’ Rose laughs. ‘I was just thinking that I had the same gut feeling about things working out for you, immediately before you said it. Then I went on to think of Lucy.’

Bella looks pensive. ‘Wish we were psychic. Then we’d know exactly what was coming and how to plan the next steps.’

‘Hmm. Not sure I’d like that. Anyway, no. I haven’t heard anything, which is unusual. I normally get a text from Josh early – even if it’s to say no change.’

‘What’s your thinking? You know, from a professional angle?’

‘I haven’t a clue, really. I don’t know enough. All I know is that she took cocaine, various amphetamines and booze. Nobody knows if it was deliberate or accidental, because she was found alone in the park. Either way, they’ve said it’s a waiting game, but being young and strong is in her favour.’

‘Her shitty parents have a lot to answer for. I will never be like them, no matter what. My kids can do whatever the hell they want, as long as they’re happy,’ Bella says passionately.

‘You’ll never be like them.’

‘No. Because I’ve had a good teacher, teachers plural, counting Dad of course.’

Rose acknowledges the sharp stab of resentment that Glen’s absence brings. Not at him, but at life. Why wasn’t he here sitting on the beach beside them, eating ham and cheese sandwiches, watching his grandchildren play – watching them grow? Why did people like Josh and Lucy’s parents get to live while he didn’t? She knows she should feel grateful for what she has, and she is. She really is. And she’s improved, changed and developed as a person so much, since feeling at sixes and sevens in the early days of not being a nurse.

She’s burnt her box/boxes. Her garden is her saviour – her sanctuary. She has her family and friends – her comfort blanket. But – because there is always a but, isn’t there? – she would be even happier with her husband by her side. Glen, her wonderful, Glen. To stop being swept along by this unexpected downward spiral, she gives herself a kick in the pants. Life is unfair, Rose – get over it. There will be days when she has to ride the downward spiral and hold on tight. Life after nursing is so much better than she expected, but it’s not all sweetness and light, is it? How could it be without Glen? The gap that nursing left is slowly being filled, however. Apart from Bella, she’s helping Josh, Lily, and all her other friends in lots of different ways. The garden is her medical bag nowadays, as well as the forty years of ‘people person’ experience.

Bella says, ‘You okay, Mum? I haven’t upset you by mentioning Dad, have I?’

‘Course not. I just miss him, that’s all.’ Rose watches a gull dip its wings as it wheels overhead and then out across the wide blue ocean. Maybe it’s Glen telling her he’s watching over her. A fanciful notion, but it comforts her.

‘So do I. I’m sad that he never got to see these two grow up, amongst other things.’

Rose gives her a squeeze and thinks if not psychic, they really do have a strong connection today, and that comforts her too. She knows Bella is in danger of getting entangled in her own downward spiral, so she changes the subject. ‘I was chatting to Daisy the other day about Sally. They know each other a little, as Daisy sometimes would come to the surgery to collect me when we were meeting up. Anyway, Daisy reckons that even though Sally says she doesn’t want a fuss for her birthday, she’d be up for organising a surprise party. After all, Sally organised one for me when I left the surgery, so maybe she would secretly like to be surprised. Daisy’s convinced the perfect venue would be my garden. I’m not sure if she’d like a surprise one. What do you think?’

Bella considers this, a little frown very much like Louise’s deepening between her eyes. ‘It could work because, as you say, she organised a surprise leaving do for you. But maybe don’t invite loads of people. She might feel sad that her ex won’t be there. And how will you make it a surprise? ’

‘Daisy suggested we did an “unveiling of the finished pond” evening. Which we will, but unbeknownst to Sal, we’ll combine it with a party.’

Bella likes that idea, which settles the matter for Rose. There’s already a wiggle of excitement forming as she thinks of Sally’s face when they spring it on her.

* * *

Idyllic as the rainless month may seem for everyone else, Rose finds the opposite to be true as she lugs the watering can up the garden for the eighth time that evening. The water butts are all dry and the hosepipe ban is still in force. Not that she likes to use the hose, because it’s such a waste of water. So, the outside tap by the kitchen window is all that’s left to her, and like it or lump it, the watering can is (slowly) getting the job done.

The lupins shiver as if in pleasure in the evening zephyr as she waters them thoroughly. The blue and green stand out against the stone wall and they’re looking so healthy. Rose sets the watering can down and peers between the stems. She was sure there were dead flowers in the middle of the clump the other day, and she’d been going to deadhead them but never got round to it. But no, they seem to be gone. Then a memory of Louise with the secateurs in one hand and spent lupins in the other comes to her. Ah yes, Louise did it. Louise is a welcome addition to her circle of friends, and Wesley adores her. She shyly asked Rose if she might plant a memory of Matthew soon, as she felt such a connection with the garden. Of course, Rose readily agreed, and she can’t wait to see what kind of plant it will be.

Bella calls from the stable door that dinner is ready, and Rose’s stomach growls in anticipation, reminding her she’s not eaten since the early bite on the beach. She’s been too busy with the garden and the grandchildren. Briefly she contemplates how she could have imagined, upon retirement, that there would be long periods of nothing to do. Time stretching like endless empty corridors, leading nowhere apart from mindless TV and the wine bottle. How fortunate she is to have found an all-consuming passion in something that has always been there – just waiting. Her garden. Hidden in plain sight.

As she’s about to walk through the kitchen door, her phone rings. Josh. Please let it be good news.

‘Rose, Lucy’s okay. She’s awake and talking!’

Lightheaded for a few seconds, she leans her hand against the wall of the house, its sun-warmed stone immediately grounding her. ‘Josh, at last! I left a few messages but when you didn’t get back, I feared the worst!’

‘Sorry, yeah. It’s been full-on here. We were all so overjoyed and in the moment. My phone ran out of juice, too, this morning.’

‘Don’t worry. I’m so overjoyed for you too, love.’

‘Thanks, I can hardly believe it. I felt sure we’d lose her and had a huge fucking rant at my parents in the car last night. Sorry for swearing, by the way.’

‘Ha! Fuck that!’ she responds, with a burst of laughter.

‘Mrs L, I’m shocked.’ She can tell his echoing laughter is a physical release, with relief and exhaustion riding tandem. ‘Yeah, anyway, I told them what I thought of them. That they were responsible for Lucy’s mess, that they were like some fucking puppet masters, getting off on their control freakery. Their holier-than-though, condescending attitude because they were GPs and thought they knew everything. Thought they could buy happiness and order other people’s futures. I told them I wouldn’t go back to med school and that I was going to work in horticulture, and if they didn’t like it, then they’d never see me again. Then they would have lost both children.’

Josh is laughing manically now, but Rose can hear tears behind it. ‘Wow. Well done, Josh. So—’ She’s about to ask more details about Lucy, but he cuts her off.

‘Yeah, I shot an adapted quote from Oscar Wilde at them. To lose one child may be regarded as misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. God knows where it came from, but bloody hilarious, in a dry kind of way.’

Josh is giggling uncontrollably and Rose wishes she could be there to comfort him. ‘Where are you, love? Do you want to come over?’

‘In my bedroom at home, absolutely wired, but exhausted.’ He sniffs and Rose can hear tissue rustling. ‘I’ll try to go to sleep after this call, but thanks for offering. I’ll come and see you soon. But guess what? After my rant at them, they went completely silent. Then Mum cried like a baby and Dad wasn’t far behind. He said I might have a point and we’d discuss it all when things were a bit calmer. Then today, Lucy woke up, and once the doctors said she was going to be okay, Mum and Dad hugged the life out of me and told me I could do whatever the hell I wanted – they’d back me a hundred per cent! That was not what I was expecting.’

‘Really? Thank goodness! I’m so pleased, Josh. I think nearly losing your sister gave them pause for thought. Perhaps they realised what was really important in life.’ The parallels between them and Nigel aren’t lost on her. ‘In my book, it’s happiness. Having your children happy and being happy yourself is the main thing.’

‘I think you have the same book as me, Rose.’ Josh yawns long and loud.

‘Now, time for sleep, young Josh. Call me tomorrow and take care.’

‘I will, Rose. Speak soon.’

Bella comes to the door with a tea towel over her shoulder. ‘This gourmet meal of sausage and chips is getting cold, Mum. Who’ve you been gabbing to?’

‘Josh. It’s good news about Lucy – she’s awake and they think she’ll be fine.’ Rose looks at Bella, hair escaping from her top knot, a smudge of ketchup on her cheek, and sees her as a child back in the prim-nose days. She wants to scoop her u p, love and protect her, never let her go.

‘Wow! That’s brilliant!’ Bella says with a grin.

‘Come here, you.’ Rose pulls her daughter into her arms and gives her the biggest squeeze.

‘What’s that for?’

‘Just because you’re you, my little prim-nose.’ Rose kisses her cheek and then pretends to elbow her out of the way. ‘Right, where’s me sausage and chips? I’m starvin’.’