Chapter Twelve
Coming to the reunion was supposed to be like taking PE for an easy A. I wanted an effortless ego boost, but everywhere I looked, there was a reminder of how much I’d gotten things wrong. For instance, I thought I’d be able to convince Danny to skip the auction so that our lips could have a reunion of their own. But Danny took his responsibility seriously, and given that we’d already caused enough delays, he went forward with fulfilling his duties. While he went to catch up with Mariana, I was left alone to mingle with people who’d already found their former friend groups. Across the gym, cliques claimed their own tables. It was high school lunchtime all over again. I was an interloper, dropping in during the middle of festivities. I’d always wanted to stand out, but not like this.
I picked up a clear plastic cup of sparkling cider off the table of refreshments and sipped on it as I checked out my dinner option. There was a pasta buffet and salad bar that I assumed was meant to make this event feel like a sit-down occasion. That probably would have worked in a corporate environment, where a pasta and salad spread was considered a neutral choice. But it hadn’t whetted the palates of the mostly Asian and Latine crowd at Commonwealth. There was still a lot of food left.
I drifted into the sea of round tables in search of a place to sit when someone grabbed my arm.
“Rachel fucking Dang! Where have you been?”
Belinda shrieked. I was speechless. Belinda was a sweet and down-to-earth friend who always had a sketchbook in her hands. I’d never heard her go feral like that before. She tapped her husband’s shoulder. “Oscar! Scoot over!”
Oscar dutifully did as he was told and freed up his seat, giving way for Belinda to pull me down. I greeted the other people at the table. The man next to Tina was her actual husband this time, and the bespectacled man next to him was Arnold Li. In high school, Arnold was on another level of nerd-dom. By senior year, he was doing independent study because he’d completed the highest-level courses Commonwealth offered. No wonder he was working at JPL. I was sitting among the who’s who of Commonwealth High School.
“We thought you disappeared,”
Belinda said. “Mariana didn’t want to induct any of us into the Hall of Fame until you came back. We’ve been waiting for you forever.”
“I had no idea.”
Mariana really put me in a bind. She didn’t say any of this before I left. “I’m sorry.”
Tina, who was sitting on the other side of me, embraced me gently, but accidentally knocked her head against mine as she tried to hug me tighter. “It’s okay. We’re a little sloshed,”
she said. That was my interpretation of her slurred words. It sounded more like “Izokay. Wur a lil slush.”
“How can I get in on that action?”
I asked. I could use some of what they had and was happy to catch up to them.
Bo flashed his flask from the inside of his blazer. “I have some mushrooms too, if you want.”
“Are you a drug dealer?”
I asked, unsure if it was a good idea to pass my cup over to him. His expensive suit and slicked hair could be a deceiving cover.
Bo threw back his beautiful head as he laughed, revealing his shiny veneers. “No, but I know one.”
He splashed some brown liquor into my cup and handed it back to me. “I made some smart investments, so I don’t need to do the nine-to-five. Why work harder when you can work smarter?”
Good for Bo, not having a desire or need for work, but I wasn’t built that way. I liked having a strong work ethic and seeing the product of my efforts. I’d never once seen work as a bad thing until I was laid off. What was I busting my ass for? It couldn’t be for a job that didn’t love me back and it couldn’t be for awards that I didn’t earn.
I sipped my drink and checked out the rest of our table. Belinda hadn’t blinked in an awfully long time and Arnold was tearing his dinner roll into tiny little pieces. “Is everyone high?”
“Don’t judge.”
Tina frowned and pointed a finger at Belinda that was probably meant for me. “I hired a babysitter to be here, and damn it, I’m gonna live it up tonight!”
Arnold finally noticed my presence and put his bread down. “Oh my god. Rachel? How are you? What are you up to?”
If I’d run into them hours ago, I would have tried to save face, but life was slowly taking everything away from me, so why pretend? They were all so gone, they weren’t going to remember this conversation tomorrow anyway. To hell with it. I gulped down my entire drink. “I’m unemployed. Got laid off last week.”
Belinda’s eyes were wide as saucers. As her hands landed on my shoulders, I braced myself for the positive consolation. My bets were on “Whoever hires you next will be so lucky to have you.”
“You’re. So. Lucky!”
Hold on. She was happy for me?
“God, I’d love not to work right now,”
she said, slumping into her seat. “The grind never ends.”
“Well, it wasn’t my choice—”
I started to say, but then Tina interrupted me.
“Me too! Enjoy your time off,”
she said as if I were taking a vacation. “Bake some sourdough bread or some shit.”
“I could use some bread,”
Arnold said, somehow forgetting the dinner roll he’d just destroyed. He directed his glassy puppy eyes at me, like he was begging for another treat.
“Do you want more—”
I shook my head. Why was I trying to talk sense into someone who was as high as a kite? “I’m taking a break before I jump into my next job. I need to figure some things out first.”
“I hear you,”
Oscar chimed in. “Life’s too short. We’re not meant to spend all our life clocking in and out of our jobs. What is the purpose in doing that?”
At least he understood. “You know what helped me?”
Nothing I’d tried so far had helped, so I was open to hearing his advice. After all, he was the most reasonable and least inebriated person at the table. Oscar leaned in to let me in on his secret.
“One word. Ayahuasca,”
he said, spreading his arm as if the word had magically appeared in a rainbow above us. I laughed, but Oscar was 100 percent serious. “You will see life in a whole new way,”
he implored. “My first retreat was in Peru. It was led by two experts, and it was eye-opening, Rachel. I became a hummingbird, going around from flower to flower to drink sweet nectar. Everything was in bright colors.”
Oscar snapped his fingers as he tried to come up with the right words. “Like, like, pinks and purples, like those folders you girls used to have.”
“Lisa Frank?”
I supplied.
“Yes!”
Oscar’s eyes were wild with enthusiasm. “And then at some point—because there’s no telling between time and space—I became a blank page that was being drawn on. It was like the ink was my blood. I’ve never been more connected with my inner self.”
“And then what?”
“And then I threw up everywhere,”
he concluded.
I sat there, befuddled, as Oscar, a medical professional, continued to evangelize traveling to a remote area and leaving my mental state in the hands of unknown and unlicensed “experts,”
as he called them. Good for him for finding something that worked for him, but I’d rather figure out my life without turning into an A-ha music video.
Belinda rolled her eyes as she pushed Oscar aside. She had probably heard about his psychedelic escapades more than once. “A break is good. I’m sure you’ll land on your feet in no time. You got this.”
I’d heard this type of encouragement whenever I faced a setback. Having a reputation for getting things done meant people had a lot of confidence in my reliable success. But today such words gave little reassurance. I’d spent my whole life working for the next big thing, thinking that I would eventually reach a level of success that promised a rich and beautiful life. But running the rat race had led me nowhere. And even if it had landed me somewhere, that would have been no guarantee that I’d be happy, as my peers were making evident. They were successful, sure, but they were also looking for ways to temporarily escape their lives. So believing in myself seemed pointless.
I needed more answers, not more questions.
“Thanks,”
I said, even though I would’ve liked for someone to tell me it was okay to not be okay. Where could a sad person go to mope around without feeling pressured to power through life with a smile?
“There you are.”
Mariana was frazzled and out of breath as she skidded to a stop. “You’re all finally here. I told the crowd that we had to postpone the award ceremony until all the recipients were present.”
It was obvious she was referring to me, but she clutched my shoulders anyway in case I wasn’t sure before. “Do you know if Nat’s close?”
I shook my head. “I’m sure she’s on the way.”
Mariana’s smile fought to look pleasant. “Well, sit tight. Don’t go anywhere.”
I was trapped. I had no idea what I was going to say in my speech. Disclosing my unemployed status to my inebriated friends wasn’t the same as broadcasting to a captive audience that my supposedly glitzy career in entertainment was a thing of the past. Such a confession was going to leave people more confused than inspired.
Danny tapped on a microphone, prompting the DJ to turn down the music. “Is this thing on?”
he asked. The crowd hushed as he introduced the auction. “I hope all of you had a chance to go on the tour of the classrooms with Mariana. All of the proceeds from tonight’s auction will go back to the school, so please show your generosity! We have some great items up for bid.”
As Danny went through all the prizes, Bo dropped an elbow on the table and propped his head up, blocking my view of the stage. “So, Rachel. You’re looking good these days.”
“Uh . . .”
I wasn’t sure what Bo was angling at, but he was making me uncomfortable. Bo and I had only exchanged polite small talk about classes back in high school. “You too. You look great.”
“I know. I saw the way your jaw dropped before.”
I’d only meant to repay his compliment, but his smarmy smile made me want to take it back. Bo’s glow-up gave him some confidence, something he’d seemed to lack in high school, but there was a difference between confidence and being full of it.
“So, what? You came to show off?”
I asked. I stretched my neck to look over his big head.
“What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that what you’re doing?”
I hated the way Bo’s eyes dipped from my face to my suit and lingered long enough to make me want to crawl out of my skin.
“No. This is how I dress for work.”
For the one or two premieres I’d go to a year, but he didn’t need to know that. I pointed at Danny to remind Bo that the auction was going on, but he ignored me.
“I think you know better than anyone that looking the part is half the battle. You can be smart and have the best ideas, but if no one’s paying attention to you, no one’s going to see it.”
“You don’t think that’s shallow?” I asked.
Bo sniffed as he rearranged his bangs so they fell evenly across his forehead. “I forgot how judgmental you are.”
I held my tongue, mostly from shock. I had no idea he thought that of me. “No, I don’t care. Let people look. That’s the whole point. I’d rather be noticed than ignored.”
Bo misunderstood me. I wasn’t being critical. I was trying to clarify his stance, but the way Bo was manspreading, swirling his liquor in one hand like he was modeling, made it easy to see the image he was projecting. If he wanted people to fawn over him, I wasn’t going to get in his way. But I wasn’t going to participate in it either.
Onstage, Danny welcomed Viv, who brought up the first item: a gift basket with three bottles of wine. “There are paddles on the tables. Please use them to bid. I’m going to open this wine basket at fifty—”
“Three hundred!”
Bo bellowed, ignoring all the protocols. Instead of using a paddle, he circled his arm like he was buying a round for everyone. “You’ve been holding out on us, Dan Man!”
The heckling stunned Danny, and he struggled to move on. “Uh . . . do we have three-fifty?”
No one held up their paddle. “The basket goes to Bo! You can pay and collect your prize—”
“Fuck that.”
Bo stood, withdrew a wad of cash from his pocket, and threw a few bills in the air. Gasps and whispers grew louder as he grabbed the basket from Viv. “I believe this is mine.”
Before the situation could escalate, Winston whisked Bo away. “All right, buddy. Let’s go for a walk.”
I could’ve sworn Winston did a double take when he walked past our table, but if he recognized me, he didn’t show it. He kept dragging Bo toward the exit.
“That wasn’t part of our program,”
Danny said, garnering a few chuckles. He checked in with Viv, making sure she was okay before moving on. Viv regrouped quickly, even rolling her eyes when Danny offered to emcee the rest of the auction alone. He managed to get through the next few items without incident. The auction became heated when everyone at my table kept outbidding each other for the time-share weekend getaway, but ultimately Belinda was the victor. I thought about bidding, but in the end she paid a pretty penny for it. She kept saying how much she needed the time off, so I sat it out.
“Now here’s something special.”
Danny gave his best game-show host impression and directed everyone’s attention to Viv, who fanned herself with the backstage passes. Danny quickly checked his notes. “The winning bidder and their guest will get the red-carpet treatment at the Beyond the Dark wrap party, held at the FreeStream studio lot. The evening will start with a tour of the set, guided by Commonwealth’s own Natalie Huang. Then they’ll meet the cast before dancing the night away. I’ll open the bidding at a hundred dollars.”
There was one taker, but no one else raised their paddles.
“Come on.”
Danny’s microphone went limp as he showed his disappointment at the low offers. “This is your chance to get your intergalactic groove on. Stay up late with celebs beyond the dark.”
Danny’s punny plea was enough to get a bid for a hundred and fifty bucks and then another for three hundred. A small bidding war erupted, and after some back and forth, the backstage passes ended up going for eight hundred dollars.
The most captivating part was watching Danny from afar as he worked the crowd through the rest of the auction. When he called on folks, begging for more money, he gave them his full attention, even if just for a moment. That time, however long, was theirs. It was a small gesture that made people feel big. That was how he made me feel, and now he was sharing that gift with others.
He was a star, piercing the night shadows. I was just a hapless person, staring at the sky, waiting to make a wish.
“Sold for five hundred dollars!”
Danny pointed at the lucky winner of a new TV, some guy I think had a locker near mine. “If you have a winning bid, pay Viv to receive your prize.”
She stood and waved from behind the check-in table. “Viv, how much did we raise?”
Viv counted with her fingers and whispered to herself as she tabulated the final amount. “Including those who donated directly to the fund, we have a total of five thousand, four hundred, and seventy dollars!”
Danny applauded along with the crowd. “And now I’ll turn it over to Mariana to begin the Commonwealth Hall of Fame ceremony.”
After he gave Mariana the microphone, he glanced at me with a look of concern. The time had come and I had a choice to make. There was no escaping now.
I typed hasty bullet points about my career in my phone, but I was thwarted by a text from Nat.
Nat: Still on set. Can you cover for me?
The lies kept piling on. Pretending my career was alive and well wouldn’t hurt anybody, but there was no way I could stand in for Nat. People wanted to see someone famous, and that I certainly was not, unless we counted my memorable senior year outburst.
There was no time to spin Nat’s absence because Mariana was already beginning introductions.
“It is my pleasure to induct members of our class to the Commonwealth Alumni Hall of Fame. This award recognizes their achievements in their professions and communities following graduation. Our first inductee is Dr. Arnold Li. After graduating from Commonwealth, Dr. Li went on to earn his PhD in planetary science from CalTech. His research was used to develop the latest Mars rover, advancing our knowledge of the Red Planet. In his off time, Dr. Li volunteers with his local animal shelter. Dr. Li, would you like to say a few words?”
Arnold wobbled onstage to collect his award, a framed certificate. He cleared his throat right into the microphone, causing some feedback. “Do you know where I can get more bread?”
Mariana laughed nervously. “Um, thank you, Arnold. So humble, that man,”
she said, directing him to stand at the far end of the stage before he could say more. “Our next honoree is another member of the academy. This time in the fine arts. Dr. Belinda Kang graduated with her PhD in art history from Columbia. She’s currently a professor at UC Irvine, where she continues her research on modern Asian American art and photography. Dr. Kang, would you like to share a few words?”
I had to give it to Belinda. She crossed the stage with the grace of a royal. No one could tell she was drunk, until she burped.
“Excuse me,”
she began, laughing off her faux pas. “First and foremost, thank you for this honor. Commonwealth holds a special place in my heart, mostly because I met my Oscar over there.”
She gave him an excited wave, the kind you might give when you hadn’t seen someone in a long time. “You’re a work of art to me, honey!”
“Okay!”
Mariana’s smile pushed the limits of her face as she sent Belinda to take her spot next to Arnold. “Our next inductee needs no introduction. Commonwealth’s most famous alumna, Natalie Huang, has worked in TV and film for the last twenty years. You may remember her from The Summer Before Last or her memorable dancing in the background of a popular Gap commercial. She currently stars as Commander Justina Tan on FreeStream’s Beyond the Dark series. Welcome back, Natalie!”
A rousing applause erupted. It was the loudest the crowd had been all night.
I checked my phone. No word from Nat. Damn. I tried to come up with a PR statement, but only breakup announcements came to mind. It wasn’t applicable to ask the audience to respect Nat’s privacy at this time. Mariana threw a “WTF is going on?”
look at me. It was my cue that the show must go on.
The cheers tapered off once they saw that I was the one coming up to accept the award. Someone shouted, “Who are you?”
from the back, which was just what my ego needed. Mariana’s smile was strained as she reluctantly handed me the award to keep the ceremony moving along.
“Hi. I’m Rachel Dang. Natalie regrets that she couldn’t be here to accept the award, so I’ll be accepting it on her behalf,”
I said, taking a page from Academy Award speeches. “The theater bug bit her here at Commonwealth, and for that she’ll be forever grateful.”
Mariana rushed to the mic before I walked off. “Not so fast, Rachel. Rachel is our final honoree of the evening.”
She flipped the program to my bio. “Rachel has spent over a decade in the entertainment industry, climbing the ranks at FreeStream, where she oversees business development strategy and global partnerships, consistently increasing revenue for the streamer. It’s no wonder why Rachel was voted Most Likely To Succeed.”
Mariana clapped, leading the audience into applause. “Would you like to share what this award means to you?”
Way to leave the loaded question for me. Mariana gave me my award, a small wooden plaque that wasn’t as big as the ones I had sitting on my bookshelf. Still, the guilt felt heavy in my hands now that I was juggling two plaques. The liquor caught up to me as I struggled to remember the bullet points I’d written down. “I-I did do that,”
I said, fumbling my words. “What Mariana said. TV and film were my home away from home, in a way. It’s what I did in between the late nights of studying. I . . .”
I lost my train of thought. Faces were becoming fuzzy. I could’ve used this to my advantage. It would’ve made it easier to stand up there and pretend my life was wonderful. I blinked to clear my vision, and the first person I saw was Danny. He was off to the side, standing behind the donation table, nodding a silent encouragement to keep going.
I knew, no matter what I said, that Danny would look at me with that kind face and support me, even if he disagreed with me. But, as much as I hated to admit this, he knew me too well. Even though I craved the validation that I’d done something right with my life, the recognition meant something to me because I believed in the integrity of the process. Accepting this award under false pretenses didn’t represent the person I wanted to be, and Danny knew it.
“I don’t work at FreeStream anymore, though. I was laid off. I’m actually Nat’s assistant, picking up dry cleaning and awards”—I held up Nat’s plaque—“and anything else she wants me to do. But if you let me keep this”—I thumbed over my engraved name above the Commonwealth crest—“I’d be incredibly honored. I spent all my time at Commonwealth working my ass off, and it would mean a lot to me to receive this award from my peers.”
It was painfully quiet for five excruciating seconds. Nobody wanted to applaud at that depressing speech. There was such a thing as being too honest.
A clap broke the silence and then another, building momentum. It was coming from Danny, standing proudly in the middle of the basketball court. It was like a scene out of a movie, except this time I wasn’t the spectator. It was happening to me. What I wouldn’t have done to have a sweeping soundtrack to underscore this as a triumphant moment, but Danny was alone in his mission. I experienced so much secondhand embarrassment watching Danny clap harder, trying his damnedest to get people to put their hands together, but fuck if I didn’t fall for him a little bit.
Mariana finally asked Danny to stop and had the inductees pose together for a group photo. She retrieved the microphone for closing remarks. “That’s it for us tonight. Thank you, Class of 2003, for showing up for Commonwealth High. Please get home safe, but if you have one last dance in you, here’s your chance. Good night!”
The group of inductees cleared the stage as the DJ turned up “One More Time”
by Daft Punk. Tina met her husband on the dance floor, while Belinda returned to the table to pick up her purse and her husband.
“You outta here, Rach?”
she asked, as she opened her wallet.
“Um.”
I searched for Danny. He was hanging around the back table to help Viv close out the auction. “I’m going to stick around for a while.”
“Are you sure?”
Oscar shrugged on his jacket. “Some of us are going to Tao’s. Did you hear he’s throwing another party?”
“How did you find out?” I asked.
Oscar showed me his phone. “There’s a text going around. Everyone here probably got it too.”
“You should come.”
Belinda pointed a finger at me and drew circles around my face. “Take your mind off whatever is happening there.”
“Okay.”
I did wonder what Tao’s epic parties were like when I was in high school. Maybe it was time to finally see what the hype was about. Besides, I wasn’t ready for the night to end yet.
After Belinda and Oscar took off, I felt my phone vibrating in my purse. It was Nat, finally.
Nat: Is the reunion over?
Nat: Did you get me a change of clothes?
I smacked my forehead. I’d forgotten all about that. Nat would forgive me when I told her about my car getting smashed. It was too much to explain over text, though.
Rachel: Reunion is wrapping up. No on the clothes. Sorry.
Before Nat could complain I was a bad assistant, I typed my next message.
Rachel: Tao’s having a party. Everyone’s going
As far as I knew, everyone was going.
Nat: Same address?
Rachel: I think so? I’ll confirm
Nat: Text me. See you soon
Rachel: okay boss
Nat usually went straight to bed after a long shoot, so she must have been in a good mood if she still had the energy to party. Thank goodness. The way this night was going, I needed Nat to keep me grounded in case more shit happened.
People were stoked about Tao’s after-party. It came up in every conversation I passed as I made my way out of the gym. I found Danny almost in the same way I’d found him when the evening started—stacking chairs and returning them to the storage room.
“Do you need a hand?”
I asked. “Or two?”
I slow-clapped to a crescendo, though I almost lost the beat when Danny released a grunt as he folded a table.
“I could’ve used that ten minutes ago.”
“I wasn’t going to clap for myself.”
I bit my lip to suppress my smile. I didn’t want Danny to think I was making fun of him when it was brave of him to publicly support my cringey speech. “Thanks for doing that, though.”
“You did good up there.”
I basked in the pride in his eyes. It left me feeling positively electric, like that was all it took to recharge my battery.
“See you at Tao’s!”
Belinda shouted as she passed by, disrupting the moment Danny and I were having.
“Tao’s? You’re going?”
It didn’t seem to be Danny’s top preference, judging from the hesitance in his voice.
“I kinda promised Nat I’d meet her there,”
I replied, deploying the big, innocent eyes that had gotten me out of trouble during the first half of my life.
Danny propped his hands on his hips and stared directly into my eyes, making sure I was sure. “I hate it when you do this.”
“What do you mean?”
I batted my eyes. “Do what?”
“This.”
He rolled his hand like he couldn’t find the right word. “Resort to whatever this is to get what you want. It’s beneath you.”
The booze was sinking its teeth into me because I wanted to say I’d rather have a certain someone beneath me, but I managed to keep that thought in my head. “Let’s drop by and say hi.”
I was saved by Danny’s phone, which lit up with notifications. I snuck a peek as Danny read his message.
Tao: WHAT: BYOB KICKBACK
Tao: WHERE: TAO’S OG PALACE
Tao: WHEN: NOW TIL????
“Come on. When will there be another chance to hang out with everyone?”
I found myself saying.
“Hopefully not today,”
he said, but he couldn’t really believe that. After all their planning, the reunion had brought in only half of our class. This really could be the last time this group of people were together for a long time. Why not go all out while we were at it?
“I stayed until the end of the reunion. I kept my promise.”
I tugged on his sleeve. “Let’s keep the night going. We can talk at the party.”
Danny sighed, more wistful than disappointed. I almost backtracked because I would’ve hated for us to go our separate ways like this, but then he fished his car keys from his pocket. “We have to make a stop first.”