Chapter Thirteen
April 2003
Danny showed up at my house with his skateboard under his arm. He was a few minutes late, but I used the time to tidy up the house and pretend it was totally normal to be alone with a boy in my house. I wasn’t worried about Danny. It wasn’t like anything would happen, since we were just friends. I was worried because, if my parents knew, they’d disapprove. They always warned Angela and me to be careful around boys.
“School first, boys later.”
“Boys only want one thing.”
I’d always brushed off their warnings, but now I couldn’t get them out of my head. It was annoying when their nagging worked.
“Come in,” I said.
Danny leaned his skateboard against the wall, leaving the collage of stickers facing out. It was so beat up, it was hard to tell what was what. “I found this in the library.”
He reached into his backpack and brought out a new test prep book. “It came with a CD. I thought you’d want to check it out.”
That was thoughtful. If only my parents could witness that there were boys who had more than one thing on their minds. “Let’s go to my room.”
Heat crept up my face as soon as I said it. I was the one with only one thing on her mind. I pointed Danny to my room while I grabbed another chair. My original plan was to study at the dining table, where there was more space to spread out, but the only computer in the house was the one in my room. It took up most of my desk, which left enough room for me to do my homework. It wasn’t set up for two. “I’ll be right back. You can start up the computer.”
I scurried back out to the dining table and stole a chair. By the time I came back to my room, Danny had made himself comfortable on my computer chair and was staring at the computer screen, except the CD was still in its sleeve. What was he doing? I slid the chair next to him and looked at my computer screen, which had a wallpaper of Keanu Reeves in the scene from Speed where he’s standing behind Sandra Bullock as she drives the bus.
“You have a thing for Keanu Reeves?”
“What’s with the judgment?”
I said as I sat down next to him, painfully aware of the one inch that separated our thighs.
“No judgment.”
Danny chuckled as he pressed the button to eject the CD-ROM tray. “I didn’t know you liked older men.”
“He’s thirty-eight,”
I blurted out in my defense. Danny seemed less amazed that I knew that off the top of my head, given how his eyes bugged out.
“He’s like twenty years older than us.”
“And?”
“And?”
Danny laughed. “Wow. Okay. So not even The Matrix Keanu?”
“He was older in The Matrix,”
I retorted.
“But Neo can do this.”
Danny’s arms flailed as he leaned back in slow motion. Once he was done dodging imaginary bullets, he sat back up and tapped his finger on the screen. “You like this guy?”
I could’ve written an essay about how Jack Traven was superior to Neo, though my top five reasons revolved around Keanu’s arms in the movie. I could’ve said how Speed was my favorite movie because I’d watched it so many times. It was always on TV whenever I channel-surfed. That probably would’ve stopped Danny’s teasing, but I couldn’t hear my thoughts over my heartbeat. Danny was sitting in the very spot where I’d spent years chatting with him, smiling like he’d discovered a secret he wasn’t meant to find. But he had things all wrong. The secret I’d been hiding wasn’t about the person on the screen, but about the person behind it who stayed up with me until one in the morning, talking about everything and nothing at the same time.
“Yeah. I like him.”
I couldn’t pinpoint when I started to feel that way about Danny, but I knew my days were better with him in it. I could be myself around him, and I couldn’t say that about a lot of people.
Danny shook his head and we got to studying. For once, he was the one thoughtfully going through the material. I was going through the motions. It was hard to focus when our knees knocked every time he swiveled his chair to ask me a question. I was second-guessing everything. I didn’t put on deodorant because the scent was too strong, but now I wished I had. Why did I tie my hair into a ponytail? Yes, I always did that so I could look down at my test and not have hair falling over my face. But having my hair back made my face look severe and intimidating. At least, that was what my teammates said during tennis practice. I never minded projecting that image when facing opponents.
Why was I getting self-conscious about it? This was Danny. He had seen me like this before. It was all the same to him, so I had to stop acting like something was different. Except, I couldn’t stop staring at him. Did he always have freckles? They were sprinkled across his cheeks and nose, like a finishing touch on his cute face.
“The answers aren’t over there, Miss Dang,”
he said, pointing over his shoulder, imitating what our teacher Mr. Jackson would say to him when he caught Danny spacing out. He glanced up after he finished another question. “Is everything okay?”
“Do you want to watch a movie?”
I blurted. I needed something more interesting than US history to keep my eyes forward.
Danny didn’t need much convincing. He dropped his pencil and pointed at my DVD tower in the corner of my room. “Can I pick?”
“Yeah.”
It didn’t matter. I’d seen them all before.
Danny scanned my DVD tower. “Surprised I don’t see Speed 2 in here.”
I snorted. “Keanu’s not in it. Besides, sequels are rarely better than the original.”
I went back to the kitchen for some refreshments. When I came back, Danny revealed his pick—28 Days Later. Nothing like a virus-induced zombie apocalypse to set the mood.
“What would you do if you woke up and the entire city was empty?”
he asked when I passed him a bag of potato chips.
“I’d freak out like a normal person,”
I said. I set down a box of chrysanthemum tea in front of him. “Hope you’re okay with this. It’s all I have.”
“What are you talking about? I love this.”
Danny happily pierced his juice box with the attached straw like a little kid. I had to turn back to my computer screen before I was attacked with more cuteness. “Okay, but after freaking out, I think you’d be the kind of person who’d gather supplies. Rally other survivors.”
“Maybe,”
I said, even though I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open during a gory scene.
“It’s true. People really look to you.”
Danny pointed at the shelf above my monitor where I displayed my awards and trophies. I must not have reacted the way he expected because he said, “Wow. I can’t tell if you’re being humble or if this is a walk in the park for you. Do you wipe your tears with these certificates?”
I laughed as I returned to my seat. “Neither,”
I said, but it was a little of both. None of these awards felt big enough to brag about.
“If you don’t even care, why bother collecting them? Spread the wealth.”
Danny picked up my “Most Improved”
trophy from my last tennis season. I was proud of that one. I had practiced my backhand all summer until I could consistently hit the ball down the line.
“I care.”
I cared enough not to let Danny take one of my trophies, even if it was in jest. Deep down, I did care a lot about succeeding. I always have. My mom loved to tell the story about how I’d climb the refrigerator to get my own milk because I wanted to do it myself. She told that story with a sense of pride, mainly because it helped that I wasn’t clingy when she was busy working and taking care of our family. Doing things myself was an asset, though it wasn’t always easy.
It bothered me when teachers and sometimes my peers would write off my accomplishments because I happened to be Asian. I put in too much work to have my success explained away by a lazy stereotype. I liked the challenge. I liked having my name associated with glittery words like success and achievement. Winning awards fueled my ambition and gave me the same rush of adrenaline as hitting a winning forehand. My confidence was earned. “I wouldn’t put these out if they didn’t mean something to me.”
“I don’t know how you do it.”
Danny wasn’t inviting me to explain. He’d seen my weekly planner, which was scheduled to the minute. If there was time to kill, it could be used to be productive. But the awe in his voice disappointed me because even though I had a reputation of being a well-oiled machine, I was still a person.
“I could say the same to you. You’re juggling two jobs. My only job is to bring in good grades.”
“It’s not the same,”
he said, visibly uncomfortable with the compliment. “I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t have to.”
“Why do you have to?”
“To make money and help my family,”
he said, like I was being oblivious. There had to be more to it than that, though. There was a weariness in his voice that his nonchalance couldn’t mask. I waited for him to elaborate, but he said, “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Are you serious?”
Did he think I was rolling in dough? Our situations weren’t that different. All of our parents were refugees. We came from working-class families, and we lived on the same side of the city, trying to do our best. He was talking like I was from another planet or something. “Last night, after dinner, I overheard my parents talking about how business has slowed at the print shop.”
“Oh?”
Danny sat up in his chair. “How come?”
“Business has been slowing now that everyone has digital cameras. Now there’s camera phones.”
Whoever thought it was a good idea to put those two things together?
“But camera phones can’t even take good pictures.”
Danny showed me the pixelated photos on his Nokia to prove his point.
“Yeah, but still, no one’s printing as much as before.”
I shrugged. I wasn’t an expert on the business, but from what I’d gleaned from my parents’ conversation, it didn’t sound good. I knew I should look into getting a summer job. “So I understand if you’re going through money trouble.”
We hadn’t talked about it since that night he called me drunk. I wondered if he’d forgotten all about it, because my naked attempt to find common ground flopped. Danny stared emptily at the movie, as if he were numb to the terror playing out on the screen.
“Sorry to hear about your dad,”
he said after some time.
I shrugged, disappointed that Danny didn’t say more. I read between the lines. He’d said before that he was good with secrets. I hadn’t considered that he meant he was keeping stuff from me. “My parents sounded more sad than worried. It makes me nervous, though. I’ve never been good with change.”
“I’m not worried about you,”
Danny said. “I know you can handle yourself.”
“Thanks.”
Danny meant well, but at that moment I kind of wished someone would worry about me from time to time. The problem with appearing to do well on my own was that I attracted people who wanted something from me. It’d be nice to get help without having to ask for it every time.
I mulled this over as my mind drifted away from the movie. I shut my eyes during a violent scene, but when I reopened them, the credits were rolling. I’d fallen asleep.
It was getting dark. My room was streaked by the last orange remnants of sunlight. My neck hurt from sleeping at a weird angle in my chair, and I couldn’t lift my head. Danny had fallen asleep too, and somehow I’d tucked myself into his shoulder. I tried to slip out, but my sudden movement sent Danny’s arm around my waist, to keep me like a crutch for his very warm body. I suppressed a gasp.
“The movie’s over,”
I said, shaking him to wake him up. “We should get up.”
Danny grumbled as he shifted. The guy was like a log. I needed him to get off me before I expired from the heat. “Hey.”
I tipped my mouth to his ear. “Wake up.”
Danny’s eyes finally cracked open and his head lifted. It took him a second to come to awareness. First, he looked at the screen and then back to me.
“Hi,”
he said, like it was completely normal that our bodies were entwined and that our faces were so close. I could see the faint pink patch on his cheek where his face had rested on my forehead like it was a pillow.
“Hi,”
I repeated. I’d memorized hundreds of SAT words and the best I could come up with was hi. My brain was useless since I was hyperfixated on Danny’s hand, which hadn’t moved from my waist. “Did you like the—”
Danny dropped his soft mouth on mine in the same out-of-the-blue way he’d entered my life. I didn’t want to move, afraid that any movement would cause us to knock our teeth and ruin this honey-sweet kiss. But I followed his lead and parted my lips. It was better than anything I’d ever experienced in my life. Like every ounce of joy concentrated into one lingering kiss. I wanted it to last forever, but a rumbling sound stopped me cold.
Someone was opening the garage door. My parents were home! There was no time for more kisses. I had to get Danny out of my house before my parents found us and lectured me to oblivion. “You need to go.”
I dragged Danny up to his feet and pushed him out of my room, all the way to the front door. I didn’t mean to treat him like a rag doll, but time was of the essence. The entrance from the garage led into our kitchen, so if we acted fast, there was a chance I could get Danny out of the house without being seen. I unlocked the front door and listened out for the garage door to close.
Danny hopped on one foot as he tried to put his shoes back on. “So, tonight?”
I didn’t register his question until he acted out typing. He wanted to chat later.
“Okay, yeah.”
I picked up his skateboard and shoved it in his arms, pushing him out of my house as the garage door descended. “Cut across the yard to the right, so they can’t see you.”
“Have you done this before?”
he whispered back. There wasn’t any time to explain that I’d seen Angela’s boyfriends do the same.
“Get out!”
I bellowed with fiery urgency, sending Danny off on a panicked jog across the lawn, seconds before my parents entered the house.
“Rachel! See bai!”
Ma shouted, commanding me to eat as she set plastic bags of takeout on our dining table.
I never ate so fast in my life.
As soon as I could, I jumped on AIM and idly waited for Danny’s screen name to appear. I couldn’t focus on homework. All I could think about was the kiss. It was as if I were in one of those time-lapse videos of racing clouds and blooming flowers. Experiencing something magical made me lose all sense of time and space.
I rubbed my chest. I had heartburn from all the food I ate. I cleaned my desk twice as I waited. I almost smashed my keyboard after the second notification that a different friend had signed on. But at long last, at a quarter past nine, Danny signed on.
SuperxSaiyan85: hi
Again with the “hi.”
SuperxSaiyan85: have you been on for a while?
Yes.
xxaznxbbxgrlxx: No. Just logged on
SuperxSaiyan85: I can’t stay long
SuperxSaiyan85: I haven’t started that essay due tomorrow
Shit. I forgot about that too. The prompt was stuffed somewhere in my backpack. It was going to be another all-nighter for me.
SuperxSaiyan85: but I wanted to say sorry about the kiss. I didn’t mean to
I had no idea my heart was made of glass until it shattered. What was Danny trying to say? Was the kiss an accident? It didn’t feel like one.
SuperxSaiyan85: Can we forget about it?
How was I supposed to respond to that? That I’d rather jump into a black hole first? Was the kiss so bad for him that we had to erase it from our memory? Impossible. This pain was unforgettable, but ending our friendship over this would only make the ache worse. So I did something I never thought I’d do. I lied to Danny.
xxaznxbbxgrlxx: yeah lol it’s all good