Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Seven
When Jess made it to Bexleyheath on Tuesday afternoon, she couldn’t help thinking that it had been a week since Ash had ended it. She had insisted they remain text buddies, but after he’d gone, she’d been too raw to even message to see if he’d got home OK, and after that it had felt too awkward. He hadn’t been in touch either, which spoke volumes. She’d oscillated between angry and resigned, agreeing with what he’d done and thinking it was cowardly, and at all the points in between she found that, more than anything else, she just missed him.
Standing on her parents’ doorstep, she was aware that, despite making an effort with her appearance, her lack of sleep and her seesawing thoughts had taken their toll, and her skin looked pale and slightly crepey. She felt as if she was on day six of a week-long hangover, combined with a bad dose of hay fever, though her sore eyes were from secret crying rather than the pollen count. Even Terence had taken pity on her on Saturday night, and had ordered in a feast from the Thai restaurant down the road. They’d had a Bourne marathon, Jess mortifyingly falling asleep during the third film with her head on his shoulder. She knew things were bad when he didn’t even tease her about it.
‘Jess!’ Graeme opened the door wide, the navy gloss catching the sun and flashing a light beam into her eyes. ‘So lovely to see you. Come here, eh?’ He opened his arms and, after a second’s hesitation, she stepped into them.
‘Hey, Dad.’
He pushed back and looked down at her. ‘Everything OK with the market? With your fella Enzo? Your mum and I have been keeping tabs on all Lola’s TikToks, and the response has been astounding. That girl has such talent!’
‘She’s the best,’ Jess said. ‘And Enzo and Carolina are in a much better place. He seems a lot happier.’
‘Don’t think we didn’t see your designs on full display,’ her mum added, appearing in the hall holding a book, her reading glasses perched high on her head. ‘Why didn’t you tell us Wendy was letting you sell them in the shop?’
‘It was for Enzo,’ Jess said. ‘That was why I came clean about them – or Lola did, actually. But it’s been really good.’ She smiled as she remembered how elated she’d been when Margaret – Peggy – had bought her very first print. But Peggy took her thoughts on a direct route to Ash, and her smile fell.
‘We’re so proud of you for taking the next step,’ Edie said. ‘But I hope you’re not working too hard. There’s clearly been a lot going on.’
‘It’s the same as it’s always been,’ she said. Her defensiveness was a reflex, and she gave herself a silent telling off. ‘I have been busy, but also... I’ve had a – a thing. Another thing going on.’ She winced at her clumsiness.
‘A thing?’ Graeme laughed gently. ‘You’ll have to be a bit more specific, Jessica.’
‘Come through to the kitchen,’ her mum said. ‘It’s much cosier in there. Tea or coffee, or a glass of wine, now we’re at the four o’clock mark?’
‘Wine would be great.’ Jess followed them into the large kitchen, which had navy walls and a white island with stools positioned around it. This was where her parents had been sitting with Celine when she’d overheard them. She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was, of course, a sunflower, with bold yellow petals and a brown centre, glossy white hands and numbers that made it easy to read.
Edie poured out three glasses of Pinot Grigio, and gestured for Jess to sit on one of the stools, while she hopped up opposite her. Graeme sat at the end of the island, a gentle frown wrinkling his forehead.
‘Tell us about your thing,’ her mum said.
‘My thing,’ Jess repeated.
She sipped her wine, raised her glass in thanks, then stared at the countertop. It was as spotless as always, her parents existing in a space that was incredibly clean and mildly cluttered, though Jess knew that everything on the island – magazines and mugs, open post and biscuit tins – was cleared away at the end of each day. She wondered what new routines Felicity would develop, both on her own and with Spade, now she had the physical and emotional freedom to do what she wanted.
‘Actually, Mum, Dad,’ she said, and felt her mouth dry out. ‘Before that, I—’ She swallowed. ‘I know I’ve pulled away a bit, recently.’ She put her glass down. ‘Not thatrecently, actually.’
Edie and Graeme exchanged a glance.
‘We have noticed, love,’ Graeme said. ‘You’ve always been independent, though.’
‘It was more than that. I overheard you. With Celine.’
‘When was this?’ Edie asked.
Jess shrugged. ‘A couple of years ago.’
‘Years?’ Edie’s eyes widened.
‘I’m sorry, I—’ What could she say? There was no other option but to plough through it. ‘You were talking about me, and I heard you say, It’s hard to feel loved when you’re not wanted or needed.’ Both her mum and dad opened their mouths to reply, but she had to get it out. ‘Lola said you were talking about you, that I didn’t love or need you, but I...’ She couldn’t, in the end, get the words out.
There was a heavy pause, then Edie said, ‘Oh my darling. You thought I was saying I didn’t love or want you? Jess, you are the person I love most. Of course you are.’
‘And me,’ Graeme added. ‘You’ve thought that all this time?’
Jess could only nod, and a moment later her mum’s arms were around her, her dad’s too.
‘It breaks my heart that you could have thought that for a minute, let alone two years,’ Edie said.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jess managed.
‘You should have talked to us,’ her dad said. ‘You should have confronted us, but I –I’m sorry we let it happen.’
‘You didn’t. I guess I interpreted it like that so I could build my walls higher.’ She let out a watery laugh. ‘Lola’s been trying to get me to talk to you about it this whole time.’
‘That girl knows what she’s talking about,’ Graeme said gently. ‘But we do understand, Jess. You’ve always gone out on your own, and I suppose we just told ourselves you were living your life how you wanted to.’
‘I am so sorry that I did anything to make you think I didn’t care.’ Edie sniffed loudly.
‘No, Mum. It was me. It was all me, and I want – I’m going to be better.’
‘It’s not about being better,’ her dad said. ‘Just talk to us, OK? You couldn’t do or say anything that would stop us loving you.’
‘We love you more than anything,’ Edie added.
Jess wrapped her arms around them and held on tightly, while the clock ticked on in the background.
‘Was that your thing?’ Graeme asked when they’d untangled themselves, and Edie had found a tissue to wipe her eyes.
‘That wasn’t it,’ Jess said. ‘That was something I should have said – asked you about –ages ago. And I... My thing was actually a guy, so it’s probably unfair to call him a thing.’ She laughed, and it only sounded slightly flat.
‘You’ve met someone!’ Her mum gave a final, loud sniff, then clasped her hands together. ‘Oh darling, I’m so happy for you.’
‘It’s not gone so well,’ Jess said, and wondered how she’d ever thought Edie Peacock was anything less than the best mum she could have hoped for.
‘Oh.’ Edie’s face fell. ‘This isn’t some wild and wonderful romance, then?’
‘More a bit Romeo and Juliet?’ Graeme suggested.
‘God.’ Jess’s laugh was louder this time. ‘It wasn’t that bad.’
‘No, of course not.’ Graeme shook his head. ‘I’m not entirely up on my Shakespeare, as you know, and I fell asleep during that strange modern film.’
Edie patted the back of his hand. ‘I’m sorry, Jess. It hasn’t worked out?’
‘No.’ She swallowed, because this was the hard part. ‘I’d like to tell you about it – about him, though, if that’s OK?’
‘Of course!’ Her mum couldn’t hide her happiness, and Jess couldn’t blame her. It had been years since she’d willingly volunteered information about a boyfriend to her parents – if she ever had. Now she’d spoken to them, got the confirmation that Lola had been right all along, she was going to do better: work harder at being a part of this family. Telling them would prolong Ash’s presence in her life, but she didn’t think that mattered. Over the last week she’d had to accept that he was going to hang around, making a nuisance of himself in her thoughts on a daily, hourly, basis.
‘We’d love that,’ Graeme said. ‘And we’ll help if we can.’
‘Thanks Dad, Mum.’ She took another sip of wine, then put her glass down. ‘I met him at the market, after he chased a shoplifter who’d stolen a watch from Roger’s antiques stall. One of the first things we talked about was train sets. I told him you had one in your garage.’
‘Studio,’ her mum and dad said in unison, because you couldn’t keep a train set somewhere as lowly as a garage, even though that was technically what it was.
Jess laughed. ‘Of course. Studio – I’m sorry. We got talking, and he asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee. He was at the market every Sunday, but only for an hour.’
‘That’s very specific,’ Edie said. ‘Did he tell you why?’
Jess let the slideshow of memories rush into place. All the figments that, put together, made up her time with Ash. As she told her parents everything – most things, anyway – it was as if Edie and Graeme had got hold of the ends of the thread knotting her up and pulled, loosening the tangles. By the time she’d reached the end, with the bottle of wine empty and a bowl of crisps decimated, she felt languid, softer.
‘What a tragic story,’ Edie said. ‘I am so sorry, Jess. For you, and for him, too, and his mother. I can see why he’s not thinking straight right now.’
‘Not thinking straight?’ Graeme asked.
‘To have let Jess go,’ Edie said. ‘Sometimes, when people are hurting, they think they need to punish themselves:
to go through the hard parts on their own, because that’s the ultimate test of their ability to survive. They tell their loved ones they don’t want to be a burden, and go off into the emotional wilderness. It rarely ever works.’
‘We weren’t properly honest with each other,’ Jess said. ‘We didn’t lie, exactly, but we pushed each other away.’
‘Because you were still getting to know each other,’ Edie said. ‘He didn’t give you a chance.’
‘He said it would be best for me.’
‘Part of him was thinking it would be horrible for him, and that was what he deserved. More wine?’
‘Could I have tea?’ Jess asked.
‘I’ll make a pot.’ Graeme retrieved the large scarlet teapot from its cupboard. She was sure he buffed it at least once a week.
‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘So you think I should get in touch with him? Send him a message?’
‘What do you want to do?’ her dad asked, as he poured loose Earl Grey leaves into the mesh infuser. ‘If you agreed with his decision to end it, you wouldn’t be telling us about it. You might never have mentioned him.’
‘No.’ Jess shot a guilty glance at her mum. ‘I probably wouldn’t have.’
‘We do understand that it hasn’t been easy for you,’ Edie said gently. ‘But I’m so glad you told us –about Celine, what you heard. We’ll always support you, Jess. With anything.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ Jess fiddled with her empty wine glass. ‘But what if I try and get Ash back, and he isn’t interested?’
‘Then we’ll be here.’ Edie was firm. ‘And we’ll applaud you for trying, because it’s a difficult thing, to put yourself out there when you really care about something.’
‘The first time I put my trains on Instagram, I was prepared for all sorts of ridicule,’ her dad said. ‘But it turns out there’s a whole community of like-minded people on there.’
‘Who alert him to new trains and accessories whenever they become available,’ Edie added wryly. ‘The studiowill be too full to move about in soon.’
Jess grinned. ‘You’ll have to show me.’
‘Really?’ Her dad looked stunned, and Jess’s guilt crashed over her. It didn’t matter how much she’d rejected them, they had always, always been there for her.
‘After we’ve finished our tea,’ she said. ‘I know you don’t want anything in there that will stain the mat.’
Graeme’s smile could have powered the sun.
‘And I want to see what new sunflowers you have,’ she said to her mum. ‘I want to – to come here more. And you can come and see the flat, if you like? Though my room is pretty small, and Terence might be eating pickled anchovies out of a jar, but—’
‘Goodness!’
‘But he’s really nice, other than that.’
‘Nice, but not Ash?’ her dad said.
Jess watched him pour the perfectly brewed Earl Grey into three sunflower mugs. ‘Nobody’s Ash,’ she said. ‘Except Ash.’
‘Well, then.’ Edie pulled her mug towards her, and blew on her tea. ‘If nobody else will do, and you’re going to accept no imitations, then you know what you need to do, don’t you?’
Jess copied her mum, blowing on her drink and watching the ripples spread across the surface. ‘I’m going to have to convince him to give us a chance.’
‘Exactly. And you can tell him – though I get the feeling he’s discovering this for himself right about now – that it’s not easy to forget Jessica Peacock, once she’s in your life.’
‘Not easy is the understatement of the century,’ Graeme added, coming round the island to pull Jess into a hug. ‘It is, frankly, downright impossible.’
‘Thank you.’ Jess leaned into her dad’s embrace, overwhelmed by the comfort it gave her.
‘We love you very much,’ her mum said. ‘I hope you know that.’
Jess swallowed. ‘I do.’ She felt as open as the sunflower clock on the wall behind her, letting in the light that Edie and Graeme were shining on her, and not, for once, trying to close up and protect herself from it. ‘I love you, too.’ It felt like an easy truth, and Jess wondered why it had taken her so many years to admit it.