Chapter 17
17
Cade
M y eyes blink open like they’re being willed apart, slowly wading through a sleepy jungle to spot a silhouette in front of me pulling on her dress.
“Charley, what’s wrong?” I glance at the clock. It’s two a.m.
“Shh, go back to sleep,” she whispers.
I sit up, wiping at my eyes. “I thought you were spending the night?”
“I remembered that I have to do something.”
Reaching out, I tangle my fingers in hers. “What could be so important?”
“I just have to go home.”
Her words hit me at the same time she releases my grip, and the combination pulls me out of any lingering sleep. “Do you feel okay? Do you need the pain reliever?”
“I’m fine,” she whispers.
I extend my hand to the side of the bed and turn on the small lamp.
She looks away, the bright light paling her skin, but the shine had already reflected off the tears tracking down her cheeks. “Woah, babe. What is it?”
“I… I don’t want to leave, but I have to.”
She heads for the door, and I immediately scramble off the bed, catching her before she can open it. “Why? Or let me drive you somewhere? It’s two a.m.”
“I’ll be fine.”
I cup her cheeks with both hands, making her look at me. The soft glow from the desk lamp isn’t as harsh over here, but it’s obvious there’s something wrong. “Talk to me.”
“I want to be here with you. Really here with you.” More tears track down her face. “I want to be so present that I’m not worrying about other stuff, but I can’t,” she grinds out, a flicker of anger flashing in her eyes. “I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve been sitting here, listening to you and wishing I could do that, too. Let you wrap your arms around me and keep me away from everything, but that’s not my life, Cade. It isn’t.”
I bring her in for a hug. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but her shoulders shake in my embrace, so clearly, she’s distraught about something. “You’re okay,” I tell her. “Relax.”
“I have to go now before he gets more mad.”
My hackles rise. I grip her closer, my protective instincts kicking in. Who’s going to be mad at my girl? A he? No, I don’t think so. Not going to happen. “If you need to be somewhere, let me drive you.”
Her shoulders sag. “Do you also have something else for me to wear?” she asks, tugging at the dress. I rummage through my closet and reach for some sweats for her to pull on. The hoodie dwarfs her, but at least she’ll be warm.
“This is a bad idea.”
My fingers clench my car keys, the bite of the ridges cutting into me. Nothing about us is a bad idea .
Charley is already opening the door, frantic, so I follow after. Our footsteps echo in the empty stairwell, and we push through the exit door, the night air creating a wind tunnel that feathers her hair around her face.
She nibbles her lip, checking her phone again.
“Who’s going to be mad at you?”
“Don’t worry about it,” she says, returning her phone to her pocket.
“I am worried about it because you’re my girlfriend. We’re in this together, and it sounds like you’ve been worried about something and not telling me. That’s what I’m here for.”
“I’ve been dealing with it my whole life. I don’t need any help with it now.”
Her foot jumps up and down while we wait for the car to warm up. The anxiety she’s throwing squeezes my stomach. “You’re killing me.”
Without looking, she reaches over and grabs my hand. “It’s not me. Not really.”
Then why aren’t we cuddled up in bed right now? This whole night has been perfect until this moment. I wanted to wake up with her in my arms, kiss her good morning, and take her to Richie’s for breakfast.
“Tell me where to go.” I gesture toward the empty roads. The Christmas decorations still light the street, but because no one is around, they look sad. Forlorn.
“Take a left on the next block,” she instructs. “Then a right.” She points toward the road I saw her walking down before.
“Here,” she says, pointing at a dilapidated house. The front gate is askew. A new streetlight sits outside, illuminating every broken floorboard in the porch. The TV in the front room is the single source of light in the entire place.
“You live here?”
I realize my mistake when I’ve barely stopped the car and she’s throwing the car door open.
I reach over, but she’s already out of the seat. I put the car in Park and get out, blocking her way. “Sorry, Charley, I was…surprised.”
Little things start to click. She never has any money. Borrowing Kenna’s dress. Never wanting me to see her place.
But this house looks like it’s two seconds away from being condemned. Why would the college let her live here?
“I need to go inside, and you can’t come. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
She wrestles out of my grip and starts running toward the front gate.
“Charley!”
She spins, placing her finger to her lips with wide eyes.
I run my hands through my hair, desperation tangling itself under my skin. None of this feels right. I can’t let her go into this house just like I couldn’t let her walk home in the middle of the night by herself.
If I’d known she was staying here, I wouldn’t have let her come back so many times.
Fear and guilt slam into me. I should’ve paid better attention.
“You can’t go in there,” I hiss, marching toward her. “What if it isn’t safe?”
A tiny smile tugs the corner of her mouth up. “Did you know that Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas?” I finally get to her, and she wraps her fingers in the hem of the T-shirt I threw on, trying to smile. “I’m fine, Cade. This is my house. I grew up here. I live here.” She swallows.
“You live here?”
She nods. “Let me get my dad situated, and I’ll come out and explain. Okay?”
“Your dad?”
She nods again, and I’m only a little more at ease when she walks away. The front gate creaks in her hands, and she leaves it open—hopefully, a good sign that she’ll keep her word.
For a while, I stand outside, my breath billowing in front of my face, before I get too cold, return to my car, and turn the heat up.
I watch the front window where I saw the light. It never changes. Charley never walks in front of it. Her dad never looks out the window to see if I’m here.
This whole time, I assumed she lived somewhere else. I thought she had a college roommate, but I never asked about her because I mistakenly assumed that Charley was so shy she probably wasn’t close with her.
She and I had skipped to the deep stuff quickly. How do I know her mom died giving birth to her, but I didn’t know she grew up in Warner? How could someone who was the most important part of your life for the last few weeks suddenly feel like a stranger?
Thirty minutes tick by. Then forty. I alternate between checking my phone and peering in the front window to see if she’s actually going to come out again.
Relief floods me when I spot the front door opening and closing behind her. She’s still dressed in my clothes. She gets in the car on the passenger side, and I turn toward her.
“I thought maybe you would leave…”
“Me? Never.”
“I lied to you. Or, I guess, held back the truth is more accurate. I just wanted you to see me without…all this. You were the first one to see past my shields, and I didn’t want to give you a reason to act like I was invisible.”
“This is why you never wanted me to pick you up?”
She nods. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” I reach over to grab her hand. “I get it.”
With her free hand, she rubs her temples. “My dad needs…care. A lot of it. When you asked me to spend the night, there was nothing more I wanted to do.” She peers up, and the tears return, welling in the corner of her eyes. “I want to be normal. I want to have a boyfriend and sleep over at his house and be carefree and fun.”
“What’s wrong with your dad?” I ask, stomach tightening.
“He needs…assistance. One of the things I do for him is cook his meals, and when I can’t be there, I order food for him. I guess I forgot last night. We were at the restaurant and then together. I was so happy.” The tears spill over now, and part of me fills with anger.
“As soon as you went to bed, it dawned on me. I was scared to check my phone. Scared to go back to reality, Cade. Then when I did, the guilt hit me so fucking hard.”
“Hey, this is your reality,” I tell her, pointing at her, then me. “We’re reality. You and me.”
Her lips straighten into a thin line.
She pulls my hand to her face and kisses my knuckles. “With you, it feels like I’m living in a bubble. Like nothing can touch me. But every time I leave you, I come to this, and it’s like that balloon slowly deflates. Like there’s no oxygen anymore.”
I rub her hand with my thumb, letting her get this out while I try to process everything.
“I want to live in your sun, Cade.” She wipes at her eyes with her free hand. “In your world, I’m dating a superstar football player who makes friends wherever he goes. Who makes me feel like a princess. It’s a fairy tale for me. I feel like Cinderella, but then I come back to my stepmother.”
“That must be hard.” My heart hurts for her. “I’m sorry you’ve had to do that. That’s so much to ask of you while you’re going to school and have a part-time job.”
She blows out a breath. “Before, I had blinders on, but it hurts a little more every day now, knowing what else could be out there for me.”
“Is your dad mad about tonight? Does he know where you were?”
“He’s furious,” she says, peering away. “He thinks I don’t love him—or at least he says so. I’m not sure he actually thinks it, but he likes to guilt me.”
My brows furrow. “That doesn’t sound healthy.”
“Oh, it’s not.” She wipes more tears from her cheeks. “But it is what it is. I’ve been living with it for a long time.”
More puzzle pieces click into place. All the times she seemed so distant. The thick walls she had built around herself, flinging her words like ammunition.
I knew there was something I recognized in her. She was trying to survive.
“This doesn’t change anything for me, Charley. I wish you would’ve felt comfortable enough to tell me before, but I understand you had to do it in your own time. I’m sorry I forced you to do it now, but I want to be here for you. You can lean on me.”
“But you’re always so happy,” she says, a break in her voice. “I never want to bring you down with what I have to deal with.”
“I feel shit, too. We all do. I understand about sadness stealing all the little joys away,” I remind her. “Dump your shit on me. I can take it. I want all of it, every last sordid detail, so I can help mend you together again.”
She reaches up, fingering the necklace I gave her. “At first, hanging out with you felt like living a lie. Smiling when I wanted to cry and trying to be someone I wasn’t, but then it was so much more. It’s like I found courage from somewhere within myself. I found me… And I’m scared because I don’t want to do this anymore, Cade.”
Horror washes over me until she clarifies.
“My dad is sick, but I’m not. I can’t be his servant anymore. But do you understand the guilt of finally admitting something like that to yourself? The only member of your family needs you, and you’re done with it. You can’t take it anymore. What am I supposed to do? Let him live alone and die?”
Her shoulders cave, and I pull her to me, kissing her hair and wrapping her tight in my arms, like my skin is a shield made only to protect her. “It’s okay,” I whisper, kissing her hair again.
“I’m a terrible person.”
“You’re the exact opposite, Charley. You’re incredible, and it’s okay. Everything will be fine.”
I rock her, kneading my hand into her back. Slowly but surely, her cries turn to choked sobs, then hard swallows as she attempts to regain her composure. The noose around my heart loosens incrementally.
“Well, now you know my dirty, dark secrets,” she chuckles out in a half sob-half laugh.
“Did you know that Chuck Norris doesn’t have dirty, dark secrets? They clean themselves and shine from the inside while asking for his forgiveness.”
She pulls away. “You just made that up.”
I trace the upward curve of her lips. “It made you smile, though.”
She heaves out a breath. “I have to go inside.”
“Your phone?” I ask.
“In my pocket.”
“Text me.”
She wipes at her eyes, then opens the door. “Be careful driving back to campus.”
I nod as she waves, shutting the door carefully. I watch as she crosses the street, locks the gate behind her, and climbs the rotted stairs.
Her house looks more like a haunted attraction. Maybe it’s because it’s so dark out and the lone light casts weird shadows over it. In the daylight, I bet it isn’t as bad. Sure, the lawn needs to be mowed and the house needs a fresh coat of paint, but maybe that’s it.
She turns, and I wave at her while she does the same from the porch before retreating inside.
Without her beautiful body near it, it looks so much worse.
One thing is for sure, I can help Charley. I don’t know how yet. I don’t know what she’ll need from me, but I can be that guy for her.
Every block that passes away from her as I make the return drive to campus feels like a mile. A new pit of worry opens in my stomach, and I grip the steering wheel, forcing myself to keep going.
Being in my room alone where we shared our intimate moment makes it even worse. My sheets smell like her. My pillows, too. I shoot her a quick text that I’m back home and then fall asleep, hoping I’ll have an epiphany about how I can support her.