Chapter Thirty-Three
They’d barely been home for a few hours when Grace announced she had an appointment for the clinic later that week.
“It just seems prudent to get the process started, don’t you think?” she said, as Caz pushed clothing into the washing machine.
“I guess.”
“You don’t sound too excited.”
Caz stood up and twisted around to lean against the worktop. “I’m just trying to stay grounded, you know, in case—”
“In case it doesn’t work and I’m a complete wreck?” Grace stepped forward, moving slowly until she was stood right in front of Caz. Her arms snaked around her wife’s waist, and she sighed contentedly when Caz reciprocated.
“I just want to be ready for all outcomes,” Caz answered, kissing the top of Grace’s head, taking comfort from the familiar scent of her shampoo.
“We can wait, if that makes it easier, I don’t mind—”
“No,” Caz said firmly. She took hold of Grace’s shoulders and stared down at her. “This is what we want, right? It’s the reason we did this.”
“Yeah, but it needs to be the right time, and I feel like I’m rushing you.”
Caz shook her head. “We don’t have time, that’s the point, isn’t it? Ageing eggs!” She smiled ruefully. “You’re right, we need to move forward and do this.”
“I love you,” Grace said. “You have always been my stability—my safe space.”
The words hit Caz harder than she thought they would, piercing deeper inside and awakening the part of her she’d been trying to shut down, the part that wanted more from this.
“I know, back at ya.” She let go of her grip on Grace, the movement making Grace step back and create space between them. “I was thinking I’d get this washing on and then give the house a quick hoover. You want to grab a bath?”
Grace smiled. “Might as well…one last relaxing evening before work tomorrow.”
“Those houses won’t sell themselves,” Caz joked, turning away to open the drawer for washing liquids. She closed her eyes and swallowed down the need to just spurt out her feelings. “I’ll bring you up a cup of tea.”
Strong arms reached around her again, the warmth of Grace’s body pressing against her back. Caz placed her hands over those clasped around her.
“You’re the best.”
“Nah, but I am doing my best.” Caz squeezed her hands. “And I’ll always do my best for you, and our family.”
“I appreciate you so much,” Grace said, laying her cheek against Caz’s shoulder. “You know that, right?”
Caz nodded. “Yes. I do.”
“Good. If you ever feel like you need more from me, you just have to say so, right?”
For a moment, Caz wasn’t sure what she meant. Her mind moved quickly through the words again, but before she could come up with a response, Grace added, “If I’m not being supportive, or I’m nagging too much, you’ll say so?”
Caz let go of the breath she’d been holding. “Yeah, but that’s not going to happen.” She shrugged. “We’re best friends, we already know all this.”
They stood still and silent for a moment and then, when it felt like it was becoming awkward, Caz released Grace’s hands, and the movement allowed Grace to pull away, a cold draught filling the space between them.
“Okay, I’m going to go and get ready to meet the girls. You sure you’ll be alright on your own? Don’t you want to meet up with Dani?” Grace asked. A last-minute plan to go for a drink with her friends was in store for that evening.
“I might see if she wants to come over and watch a film. I’m not really in the mood for going out.”
“Fair enough.” Grace kissed her cheek, grinned, and then she turned and left the room, leaving Caz to slump against the counter. She pressed her finger and thumb into her eyes, puffed out her cheeks and breathed out.
“You can do this,” she told herself. “You can do this.”