Chapter Forty
The van was a melting pot of stuff that didn’t need to be there, empty Coke cans scrunched up in the door pockets beside half-eaten crisp packets and old newspapers.
“Who even reads newspapers anymore?” Caz said when she’d adjusted her seatbelt. Small talk or silence, those were her options for this trip.
“It’s Jez. He’s always got to have one, for the horses or something. I told him to just download an app, but you know Jez,” Dani responded, understanding the mission without the need for instructions.
Caz stared out of the window.
It wasn’t a long journey to the next town over where Grace’s office was. As Dani turned into the high street, Caz could see the building up ahead, and the anxious feeling that had settled these past twelve hours or so, began to rumble around more loudly within her again.
A million questions flooded her brain, and for a moment, she was almost overwhelmed by it all. But then she stopped and reminded herself this wasn’t about her. It was about Grace, and about grief. They’d either make it through or they wouldn’t, but if they failed, it wouldn’t be because Caz fell apart or gave up.
“Here you go,” Dani said. She’d pulled the van into the kerb and Caz hadn’t even noticed. “Look, I get it, you’re not ready to talk about it…but when you are, I’m here, okay?”
Caz smiled a tight smile that stretched her lips more than her cheeks. “Thanks,” was all she managed before she pulled on the lever and opened the van’s big heavy door and jumped out.
She didn’t look back, focused on one thing and one thing only: Grace.
The door opened before she reached for it.
Tall, distinguished, hair mostly grey, and male, his smile was warm and sincere. “Hi, Caz. She’s through the back with Reeja.”
“Thanks, Pete,” Caz said, stepping inside. She didn’t politely wait to be shown through. Instead, she marched ahead, into the small corridor at the back that lead down to a small kitchen area with seating.
Her heart cracked another fissure when she saw the sight of Grace. Sitting at the table, arms folded in her lap, make-up streaked down her face, looking blank and numb.
“Grace?” Caz said gently. She nodded to the woman who had been sitting with Grace, who now stood up and moved out of the way.
“I’ll leave you both,” she said and squeezed Caz’s bicep as she passed.
Squatting down, Caz took action. She reached for Grace’s hand, and feeling no movement to stop her, she gripped it more firmly, lovingly rubbing her thumb over the back of Grace’s fingers. “Hey.” She tried a smile again when Grace turned and focused on her just enough. “Was thinking we should go home, yeah?”
There was a packet of wet wipes on the table and Caz pulled one free. Tentatively, she began to wipe away the smudged mascara and foundation until it was virtually all gone.
Grace said nothing, but when Caz pulled gently on her hand, she allowed herself to be drawn to her feet. Her bag and coat were on the table and Caz took them, one arm slipping around Grace as they inched towards the door and the back entrance where Caz knew Grace’s car would be parked.
“Caz?”
The simple word—her name—said so sadly it almost broke her, but she held firm.
“Yeah?”
“It’s gone.”
It took a moment for Caz to remember: The tissue—their baby.
Grace was still talking. “…the toilet, and I had so much pain I thought I’d faint and then, I felt it leave my body, and I couldn’t—”
Caz put her arm around her, grateful not to be pushed away this time. They needed each other, didn’t they?
“Let’s go home, eh?”
“I don’t want to go home.”
Caz opened the back door. Daylight flooded in and almost blinded them both.
“Okay, we can go somewhere else,” Caz said. She wasn’t going to argue. Finding the keys, she hit the button and the alarm beeped. “Let’s get into the car, and then we can decide what to do, yeah?”
Grace didn’t agree or argue. She just complied and sat herself in the passenger seat. Caz all but ran around the car to the driver’s side, jumping in and closing the door, and closing out the world outside.
“Do you need—” She stopped talking, leaned over and grabbed the seatbelt, yanking it too hard and it stuck. She calmed herself, released it, and tried again. This time when she pulled it, it came loose and she could clip it into the lock, making Grace as safe as she could be. “So, I thought we could just drive out to the coast…”
Grace didn’t answer. She just stared absently out through the window, a solitary tear running down her cheek as though it, too, was trying to escape the sadness that was upon her.
The engine started and she pulled away just as the radio came on, the DJ waffling along to the end of one song before launching into the next. Caz turned it down and then thought better of it, and turned it back up just enough so the silence didn’t feel quite so oppressive.
She took turn after turn until she was on the motorway and cruising towards the sea, clear skies up ahead.
Caz hoped that boded well.
“I think it would be good if we can talk,” Caz said once the car had hit the right speed and she was able to just follow the road without needing to keep indicating and moving.
She didn’t think Grace was going to answer, but then she heard. “What’s to talk about?”
Caz glanced quickly across at Grace. She was still staring blankly out of the window.
“You know…just talk for now, and then…later, when we’re ready—”
Now Grace turned to her, a look of incandescent fury in her eyes.
“Small talk? You want to fill the air with nonsense? Okay, fine, how was your day?”
Caz let out a deep breath, biting down the urge to fire back.
“That’s not what I meant, but it’s a start, and yes, it’s better than this silence…this coldness you’re throwing at me.”
“I’m not throwing it at you,” Grace said angrily.
“Yes you are. It’s like you blame me.”
Grace scoffed and folded her arms tightly over her chest. “Oh, make it all about you. Good one, Caroline.”
“I’m not making it about me, I’m trying to engage with you so we can talk it out, but all I’m getting is anger and—”
“Maybe…just maybe, I am angry! Have you considered that?”
Indicating, Caz pulled the car off the motorway at the next junction and drove down a country lane, the silence now palpable. When she spotted a layby, she stopped the car, unbuckled her seatbelt, and turned in her seat to face Grace.
“I have considered that. I’m angry too—at the world and the universe, but not you,” Caz said. She felt her eyes moisten instantly. “I’m not angry or upset with you. I want to be there. I want to support you and for us to be a team, but you’re pushing me away, and I don’t understand why? It feels like you blame me… Did I do something wrong?”
“No. Of course not. I just…it’s like there’s a volcano in my chest and it’s erupting, and I can’t…I can’t stop it, and I can’t breathe, and nothing makes it any better…I…” She finally looked at Caz. “Why me? Why can’t we do this? Why us?”
Caz shrugged. “Why not us? It’s just how it is, it’s not personal…we didn’t do anything wrong, or hurt anyone…this just—”
“Our baby died,” Grace whimpered. “Our baby, nobody else’s, and maybe I am selfish and maybe I don’t care about anyone else right now. That was our baby.”
Tears streamed freely down their cheeks.
“I know. And you’ve every right to be angry and sad. Just…let me be angry and sad with you.”
Hands reached for one another and the moment they connected, the tears became sobs for them both. Caz pressed the release button on Grace’s seatbelt and pulled her into her arms.
“I’ve got you.”