Chapter Forty-One
The drive home didn’t feel as long now. It was still silent in the car, but the oppressive cold shoulder had lifted and it was a more comfortable silence.
An acceptance.
Caz usually reversed onto the drive, but today it didn’t seem to matter how easy it was to get off the drive in the morning. She’d already decided neither of them were leaving the house for work.
“Come on, let’s get inside. I’ll make us a hot drink and we can just—”
Grace stopped walking, her eyes leading Caz to follow her gaze and stop talking. Gertie was swinging, hands gripping the ropes as her legs shot out in front and her little body flew back and forth through the air, in rhythm with her screams echoing her delight.
Caz put her arm around Grace and led her towards the house.
“That should have been us,” Grace whispered as Caz pushed the key into the lock and tuned it.
“I know.”
What else could she say? She didn’t want to offer meaningless platitudes or promises of things she wasn’t sure they could keep. There wasn’t anything she could say to make it better. Every thought just felt so trite.
So she said the most British thing she could think of, “Let’s get the kettle on, eh?”
Making herself busy, Caz filled the kettle and flicked it on. From her peripheral view, she could see Grace pulling off her suit jacket and untying her hair. Even in the depths of despair and distress, she looked beautiful, and Caz mentally slapped herself for thinking so. It wasn’t the time for that, was it?
“Did you want tea or coffee?”
Grace stared at her. “I don’t mind.”
“Alright,” Caz smiled, taking the lead, “tea it is.”
She pulled down the caddy from the cupboard and spooned three heaped scoops into the pot, ignoring the fact she hadn’t warmed it first. When the kettle boiled and hissed, she poured the water in, gave it a quick stir, and popped the lid on.
“Are you hungry?” she asked, attempting to stay as upbeat as she could. She wouldn’t let Grace fall into the misery she’d suffered at Christmas. Grieving was something they’d do together this time.
“Not really,” Grace answered, with no real interest in the question.
“What about—” Caz was turning, carrying the teapot and two cups in her hands.
“You should probably just move out now,” Grace said, looking up at her, expressionless.
Caz halted.
She replayed those words over in her head to make sure she’d heard right and then continued forward. She put the teapot and the cups down and proceeded to pour.
“Why would I do that?” Caz asked calmly, pulling the chair out and sitting to the side of Grace.
Grace sighed.
“I don’t understand the logic. Why would I leave? This is my home. We’re committed to—”
“That was before,” Grace interrupted.
Caz frowned. “Before what?”
“Look, we got into this because we both agreed we wanted a baby, and I can’t…I can’t give you that, so…you should leave and go and find—”
“Wait, what?” Caz reached out, her fingertips touching Grace’s arm lightly. “You think… No, we didn’t do this just because we wanted a baby, Grace!” She turned away, her emotions tumbling around like a washer on spin. She couldn’t hold it in any longer, not now. She stood up, spun back around, and stared at Grace, eyes intense and brooding as she finally admitted the truth, “We did this because neither one of us knew how to ask for what we really wanted…”
Now it was Grace who frowned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do.” She stared at Grace so hard it forced her to look away. “You know, Grace.”
“I don’t…we…this was an arrangement…to have a baby.”
“Was it? Maybe that’s what we told ourselves when it started,” Caz said. She had nothing to lose, except for everything, and if that was to be the case, she was going to go down fighting, so she took her seat again and calmed herself.
Grace narrowed her eyes. “What are you talking about?”
Caz smiled as she continued to look at her. “We love each other, and it was too big of a risk to admit to feelings and attraction, so we found a way to make it alright.”
“Are you mad?” Grace scoffed. “We did this to have a family, not because—"
Caz shook her head and continued, despite the hot flush she was starting to feel in her cheeks and on the back of her neck as she interrupted, “And now that’s maybe not an option and we’re going to have to face the reality of what we really are.”
“And what reality is that? Seriously, Caroline, I’m all ears.”
“Don’t do that,” Caz said, pushing her chair back and standing up again. Turning away, she ran her hands through her hair. “Don’t push me away because you’re upset and hurting. I’m hurting too.” Twisting around, she stared down at Grace and finally said what she’d wanted to say for months now, “I love you…and I know you love me.”
“So?” Grace shook her head at her. “We’ve never denied that; all friends love each other.”
“Yeah, they do…but this is different.”
“I’m not gay!” Grace said, standing up, hands firmly on her hips. “That’s just ridic—"
“Friends don’t kiss each other, Grace,” Caz interrupted.
She watched Grace’s cheeks burn a fierce pink as she sat back down and said, “You didn’t complain.”
“Neither did you,” Caz threw back at her before adding, “Friends don’t marry each other either, Grace.”
“You agreed to that—” Her hands were thrown up into the air in frustration.
“Yeah, I did. I got swept up in it all. I told myself it was exactly what I needed, and I was right, you—”
“So, wait,” Grace glared, “you’ve had feelings for me this entire time and you just what, thought I’d come around? That’s pretty shit, Caz.”
“No, that’s not it.” Caz shook her head furiously. “I didn’t know I had these feelings. I thought you and me were so friend-zoned that that wasn’t ever an option, but then…being around you all the time, living with you, being your partner, supporting each other…hugging…sleeping in the same bed, the kisses—I started to realise I could love you in that way, and that it was okay to love you, and…I’ve felt that there’s a part of you that feels the same way about me.”
Grace stood up. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m not being ridiculous!” Caz shouted. “Why do you think everybody we know believed us so easily when we said we were getting married?”
“I don’t know…what does it matter? Maybe we’re just good liars.”
“Bullshit,” Caz said again. “That’s bull and you know it. They believed us because they all saw it…long before we did.”
“They saw what they wanted to see. I don’t love you.” Grace shook her head. “Not like that.”
The words stung and Caz felt them hit hard and deep, Grace puncturing her heart in a way nobody ever had before.
Grace walked away towards the door, where she stopped and looked back at Caz before she said, “We should get a divorce.”