Chapter
Forty-Two
Sawyer
Soren held my hand as we walked out of the circus arena, and I was on cloud nine. At one point, Soren had reached over and used his index knuckle under my chin to close my mouth because it was hanging open. The entire show was absolutely magical. The powerful gymnastics, the skilled motorcycle tricks, the graceful dancer who quite literally hung from her waist length hair. I was in a dream and I never wanted to wake up. I couldn’t even imagine how magical this would be to experience as a child. Soren opened the passenger door to his truck, and I climbed up.
“It was all so magical,” I whispered, still in amazement.
Soren reached to buckle me in as he always did. Initially it used to be weird, and now, I had simply come to expect it. Sometimes I wanted to ask, but I knew that Abel died in a car accident and a deep part of me knew there was a connection. The last thing I wanted to do was cause pain to this man who, for some reason, thought he wanted to date me. Instead of sitting still, I turned toward him and impulsively wrapped my arms around him. I was overwhelmed, and I wanted to say thank you. He had given me the space to be me, and as we spent more time together, I felt the walls I’d built around my heart begin to crumble.
Soren’s large hands slid around my ribs as he pulled me close to him. Our height difference was lessened this way, and I turned my face into the crook of his neck. My heart raced as I thought about kissing him, but I was waiting for him to make the first move because the fear of not measuring up was intimidating.
“Pretty Girl?” Soren asked, his stubbled cheek pressed against mine.
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to tell you something, but I don’t want you to freak out or think that you have to say it back,” he instructed with gravel in his voice. I could feel his heart racing under my palm.
“Okay.”
“Sawyer, I love you and I know you might not feel the same about me, but I want you to know.” I gasped as my heart pounded in my chest.
He loved me? I cared about him more than any other man I had ever known. The idea of saying “I love you” back felt like there was a hand grasped around my throat cutting off my air supply.
I pulled back more, needing to see his eyes better. His sincere hazel eyes met mine, and I wanted to say those three small words back, but they wouldn’t come. I had no context for the type of love he was speaking of, and I wasn’t sure if I was capable of it.
“Soren, I care about you so much, but I can’t say it back.” Tears of frustration pooled in my eyes. Why couldn’t I simply say it back? What if I got my hopes up as I had so many times in my life only to not be chosen again? It all was too much to process at the moment. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and pulled me in for another hug, and I buried myself in the solid warmth of his body.
“That’s okay, Sawyer. I will love you more than enough for the both of us.”
I was wrapped in his arms, and he held me as though I was the most precious thing in the world to him. I wondered why he hadn’t kissed me if he really loved me, and I contemplated if I’d ever be able to say it back. I was in college before I’d ever had anyone say those words to me. The words were trapped inside of me, and I wasn’t sure if they’d ever come out. Soren deserved someone that would say it back, and what if that someone wasn’t me?
I had barely shut the door after Soren dropped me off when my eyes puddled with tears of frustration. Something was wrong with me. How could I want a man like Soren Roberts who was the best, most thoughtful, and kind man on the planet? I wanted him to kiss me breathless, but the idea of saying “I love you” nearly made me break out in hives. There had to be something irreparable about me. I trudged inside, sank into my comfy chair and buried myself under weighted blankets. Soren couldn’t love me because he didn’t completely know me. I’d told him about how I buried myself under weighted blankets after a difficult day at work, but he didn’t truly realize how much I was debilitated at the end of some days after work. He didn’t know I kept my duplex obsessively organized because when things were out of place, I wanted to cry. Before I started going to his house on Sundays, I used to stay in bed all day because I was emotionally exhausted and drained from my job. He didn’t know how often I turned to how-to videos on the internet to learn basic adulting skills. He didn’t truly understand the shattered pieces of me. I kept the ugly, undesirable parts of me hidden because once he saw those parts, he would leave. People always left, and it was only a matter of time. I fell asleep buried under my weighted blankets, too mentally exhausted to move.
The last thing I thought as I drifted off to sleep was I’d like to be kissed by someone as handsome and good as Soren Roberts at least once in my life.
Soren:
What are you wanting for lunch on Sunday? I’m picking up groceries. I’m thinking breakfast for lunch, which may include chocolate chip waffles?
*four hours later*
Sawyer:
My phone was off because I was in court all morning. Connor’s dad got connected with this amazing rehab program and is doing awesome!
Soren:
That’s great news!
Sawyer:
That sounds yummy! What do you want me to bring?
Soren:
Only you.