Chapter
Fifty
Sawyer
It wasn’t until I was halfway through my workday that I realized it was my twenty-seventh birthday. I had reached to check something on my phone, and the date across the locked screen stopped me. The reason I had forgotten was because for the last seven years, Talia had woken me up with obnoxiously loud sounds and confetti. Today I woke up to complete silence, aside from Mrs. Beakle mowing her lawn for what felt like the third day this week. Could grass even grow that quickly? I hadn’t seen or heard from Talia in five days. I knew she was giving me space. I glanced down when a notification came through on my phone.
Talia:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I LOVE YOU.
*GIF of woman dancing and throwing confetti*
Tears flooded my eyes, and I preemptively sniffed, trying to keep them at bay. I knew that I shouldn’t have said the things I did, but my desire to make a difference in foster care was unlike anything I had ever experienced. If I didn’t help these kids, who would? Was what Talia said true? Did I have an unconscious addiction to the adrenaline rush that I get from the chaos that I knew would be found in this space? I knew I needed to be better at setting boundaries with my coworkers, but that didn’t mean I needed to quit my job, right? I kept replaying Talia’s words in my head almost as much as I had the hurt I heard in Soren’s. How had I managed to hurt the two people that cared the most about me? The other voice I heard in my head was Mrs. Bailey telling me that I should do something different if I wanted a different result. Regardless of if I needed to rethink my dedication to my job or not, I couldn’t ignore that it was a Saturday and I wasn’t supposed to be working. But here I was, because I couldn’t tell my coworker no when they gave me some excuse about having a stomach bug. I had clearly overheard them talking about a concert they wanted to go to in Kansas City this weekend. They didn’t have a stomach bug. They were most likely tipsy at the three-day long festival they had talked about for weeks. I was the one they knew would show up because I cared about the kids too much to not show. The more that I contemplated the situation, the more I knew Talia had some valid points. I canceled my plans with her and, most recently, with Soren because I was incapable of telling people that, Yes, I do care deeply about every child that comes through this office, but I have human needs too.
I wanted to fix things. Repairing things with Talia felt somewhat possible, but there was no way on earth I could ever feel worthy of a man like Soren Roberts. He deserved so much more than I had to offer. Looking again at Talia’s text, I decided to be brave.
Sawyer:
Thank you! I love you too. Can we talk later?
Almost immediately, she responded.
Talia:
Of course. 8 p.m. at your place?
Sawyer:
Perfect. See you then!
It was 6:30 p.m. before I made it home. I looped my work bag over my arm as I carried it inside. My heels clicked on the concrete on the walkway, but I came up short when I realized there was something on my welcome mat. My breath caught as I moved forward. In a jar similar to the blue-green jar that Soren kept on his dresser was a beautiful bouquet of wildflowers. I knew without even looking they were from him. I dropped my bag and reached for the tiny envelope that stuck out of the top of the bouquet.
Slipping the card out, I read, “I’m trying hard to respect your wishes, but a Pretty Girl deserves flowers on her birthday. All my love, Soren.”
There weren’t enough tissues at Target to dry the tears that followed. How had I screwed up something with the most thoughtful man on the planet? This was further confirmation that he deserved someone better than me. I gathered the jar and my bag in my arm and made my way inside as silent tears rolled down my cheeks. Soren Roberts was a good man, and I had ruined the best thing that had happened in my life. I had always wondered what it felt like to be in love. As I sat buried deep under my weighted blanket in my comfy chair and stared at the second bouquet of the most beautiful flowers I had ever received, I was certain I could explain what both love and brokenheartedness was in vivid detail. Because somewhere along the way, I had fallen in love with the gentle and fierce way that Soren Roberts loved me.
I washed my face before it was time for Talia to come over. There was no hiding my red and puffy eyes, but there was a certainty that these wouldn’t be the only tears I shed tonight. I had to repair my relationship with her. Whereas the situation with Soren felt too overwhelming to tackle, I knew that there was a truth to what Talia had said, and I didn’t want to toss away eight years of friendship. A knock sounded, and when I went to the door to find Talia holding a small birthday cake and gift bag, the tears flooded my eyes. My words were barely intelligible as I told her I was sorry. She set the cake down on my coffee table and wrapped me in one of her warm hugs.