The Mercenary and the Mortician (The Silent Hollow #1)

40. Cal Walker

Alexa, play: Skinny Love - Birdy

“ S o, let’s start from the beginning, shall we?” I mused, feeling a pulse of excitement in my chest that Ryan seemed interested in hearing about my past.

Outside of Vox, I hadn’t really told anyone this story before. I couldn’t even really tell my therapist since doctor-patient privilege didn’t cover things like planned homicide. She would need to report me to the authorities, and Damian would be all kinds of annoyed.

I wasn’t worried about Ryan reporting me. If he had any plans to do so, he would have done it by now. Plus, I had his phone tapped, so if he ever called a number that could get him in trouble, I would know about it.

And yes, I meant get him in trouble. Because, as annoying as it would be to have to deal with a police report, Damian had his fingers so deep in the system that it would really just turn into one big inconvenience for him. Ryan, on the other hand, would skyrocket to the top of Damian’s kill list, and I would suddenly have my hands very full trying to protect my lil ginger boy.

But I digress.

“So, I already told you how I basically grew up in a cage, right?”

Ryan pursed his lips, and his face paled slightly. My heart skipped a beat at the clear signs of distress he displayed when I talked about how I was abused.

He always tried to act like he didn’t like me, but just seeing how upset he was about the idea of me growing up in that shitty cage made me feel like, deep down, maybe he did care.

What a precious little bean.

“Anyway, one day, I broke out. I was able to find the keys to our cages, but there were only two on the ring. Of course, the third one was Naomi’s key, and my asshole mother kept it around her neck.

“When Cass and I went upstairs to try to get help, our mom found us and attacked us.”

Ryan’s eyes were as wide as saucers, and his hands were clasped so tightly in his lap that his knuckles were white.

There was a beat where I considered telling him the truth about what happened that day, but I pussied out at the last minute. The fact that Cass had really been the one to kill our mother is something I hadn’t even told Vox.

I was too afraid of what might happen to her if Damian found out that Cass was capable of murder. I had spent my entire life trying to keep Damian’s attention off of my sisters; I wasn’t about to risk them getting caught in the crosshairs now… at least not more than they already were.

“Well, when she found us out of our cages, she was furious. She went insane and tried to kill me.” Without meaning to, I found myself lightly stroking my throat, where I could sometimes still feel my mother’s fingers trying to choke the life out of me. Sometimes, I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling like she was strangling me.

“She tried to choke me to death, and she almost managed it too. I don’t know how I got the knife, but I ended up killing her in self-defense,” I lied, and Ryan looked like he was in physical pain.

“Cal — ” He croaked, and I waved him off with an easy smirk.

“Don’t look so stressed out. I’m fine, and I don’t feel bad about it. She had to die. If it was between her and Naomi, I would choose Naomi every time.”

He looked like he wanted to say something else but thought better of it, so I continued.

“After that, Cass freed Naomi, and the police came. They took us down to the precinct and separated us. They put me in this quiet room, and everyone was really nice. They gave me lots of sweets and junk food.” I could remember it like it was yesterday, the first time I ever tasted a fuzzy peach. The way the rough, sour exterior melted away into that chewy sweetness was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

“Were they upset with you?” Ryan croaked. “For… for killing you mom?”

I shrugged. “Not really. I think they were mostly just trying to get to the bottom of what happened. Or they were, at least, until Damian found me.”

“Who’s Damian?”

I looked at Ryan, and despite the fact that I knew I would do everything in my power to protect him from the man who had stolen my life, I felt a small shiver of fear pulse through me.

I didn’t want Damian anywhere near Ryan… but I just didn’t feel like I could lie to him about this. Damian was such a huge part of my life, and he was directly the reason I couldn’t stop killing people, even if I wanted to. Ryan needed to know.

“Damian Ryker is my… boss, I guess, for lack of a better word. He runs an underground organization called Apex.”

“And you work for this organization? Apex?”

I nodded, tonguing my lip ring. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because if I don’t, Damian will kill my sisters.”

Ryan’s face was so white that the makeup Naomi had put on him was no longer matching his skin.

“W-what?”

I nodded. “You heard me.”

“Why don’t you… go to the police?” He gasped.

I chuckled at how cute and innocent he was. My little ginger snap still believed that the world was an inherently fair place, where the good guys always won, and the bad guys always went to jail.

He didn’t know that the bad guys were usually posing as heroes.

Why do you think heroes always wore masks?

A part of me hated to be the one to take this comforting belief away from him. For a split second, I wished I had never met Ryan Fairview, and he could have just lived his life happily without me.

However, the thought was fleeting. I was a selfish fucker at heart, and now that I had found Ryan, I was never going to let him go. No matter how much it would be better for him if I did.

“Apex is… big, Ryan . It’s bigger than you can imagine. Damian’s influence runs deep. He has Supreme Court Justices on his payroll. How do you think he was able to walk into a soft room of a literal police station and obtain custody of me?”

Ryan blinked as he processed my words. I saw it the moment he realized what it was that I was telling him.

“How old were you when you met Damian, Cal?”

“Ten years old.”

“And what did… What did Damian do to you after he took you out of the precinct?”

I gestured to the room we were sitting in.

“Well, first, he took me here. Cass and Naomi came too. He set us up with a guardian and had Cass enrolled in school. Naomi was still too young, but when she was ready, we got her set up in a nice private school as well.” I grinned, remembering Naomi’s first day in her adorable little outfit. She hadn’t been nervous at all. Not like the other kids. She dove headfirst into the crowd of students, informing me that ‘she was off to make some besties.’

I frowned at Ryan’s expression. “Don’t look so sad, ginger snap. This was the best thing that could have happened to us. If you saw where we lived before this, you wouldn’t be looking so upset,” I said, feeling terrible about making him feel terrible.

Ryan swallowed so hard I could hear it. “And what about you? Did you go to school?”

I wanted to brush off that question. The answer was no, and I knew Ryan wouldn’t like that.

But the truth was, it wasn’t important what had happened to me. What was important was that Cass and Naomi got to go to school. Cassandra was so freaking smart. Even after missing out on her formative years of education, she still clawed her way into an Ivy League school and became the badass, high-powered lawyer she is today.

I gave her a hard time, but I was so fucking proud of her. She blew me away every single day.

And Naomi… She was this creative little social butterfly that got along with everyone. Even though she had this huge group of friends, she still always made time to stay home and spend time with me and read her books. Being able to watch her spread her wings and brighten the lives of those around her felt like such a privilege to me. I rarely thought about the fact that I hadn’t had a chance to go to school because it had never mattered to me.

I didn’t need to follow my dreams because my dreams had already come true. My sisters were safe and happy. That was all I ever wanted.

“Nah. No school for me.” I shrugged. “They don’t teach the things I needed to learn in the public school system.” I laughed.

“And what sorts of things did you need to learn, Cal?” Ryan asked. His voice was so quiet now I could barely hear him.

“Oh, you know.” I winked. “The basics. It was a lot of weapons training and learning how to… effectively eliminate people, if you catch my drift.” I didn’t know why I was feeling the need to be so evasive. I normally wasn’t this uncomfortable talking about murder or even my methods for murder.

I was used to it. It was just normal. But something about the way Ryan was staring at me was making me feel oddly anxious.

His brandy eyes were round and so much shinier than normal… it was making me feel like maybe the way I had been raised was more problematic than I had thought.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew what Ryker had done to me was horrible. It was why I had made him stop recruiting children as soon as I could… but there was just something so foreign about applying that same level of empathy and consideration to myself.

It felt like I was poking at a carefully crafted wall I hadn’t even realized I had built in my mind. Suddenly, I was worried that if I poked too hard, a bunch of bad stuff that I had unintentionally buried deep inside of me would come spilling out.

The air around me felt weirdly heavy, and there was an uncomfortable weight on my chest that I’d never felt before. Keeping my smile plastered on my face, I cocked my head in confusion as Ryan stood slowly and walked toward me.

I looked up at him, surprised that he had come to me for once.

“Did he make you kill someone, Cal?” Ryan asked, his gaze trained on mine so intensely that I found myself fiddling with the strings of my hoodie just for something to do with my hands.

I laughed and rolled my eyes, swiveling in my gaming chair nervously.

“Well, duh. I just told you the whole reason I can’t stop killing people is because of him. The deal is if I work for him, he leaves my sisters alone.” I huffed.

Hadn’t he been paying attention?

I twitched in surprise as Ryan stepped between my legs, forcing me to stop my incessant swiveling. He tentatively curled his fingers around my chin and tilted my head up so he could meet my eyes.

What was happening right now?

Usually, I was the one that forced him to look at me…

Why was it so hard to look at him right now?

“How old were you the first time he made you kill someone?” Ryan asked gently, and my throat tightened at how angry he looked.

His tone was so soft, but his eyes were burning with a rage I didn’t understand.

“Ten. It wasn’t long after what happened with my mom.”

I was mesmerized by Ryan’s expression. It was like time slowed down, and I could literally see the effect my words had as they washed over him, one by one.

His face crumpled, and something in him seemed to break at what I was telling him.

Why did he look like he was going to cry?

He brushed his thumb over my cheek, and I felt my eyebrows shoot up as I realized my cheek was wet.

What the fuck?

I leapt up from the chair, forcing a laugh out, hoping it covered up the strange tightness in my voice.

Ryan didn’t back away like I expected him to; he was still watching me with that serious look on his face. The one that was caught between tenderness and anger.

“Why so serious, ginger snap?” I teased, swiping my sleeve across my cheek to wipe the strange wetness away. “It’s not a big deal.”

He didn’t look convinced.

“I’m not telling you this because I need you to feel bad for me. You asked why I do what I do, and now you know.” I stepped into him, hoping he would back away from me like he normally did, but he didn’t. He stayed right where he was, his jaw tight and his brow furrowed.

“Cal…” he said, stepping in closer to me. Suddenly, I found I was the one backing away.

“You know what? You said you wanted a tour, and we didn’t make it very far, did we? Wanna see where the wicked witch of the east used to stay?” I grinned at him, snatching up his hand and dragging him out of the room. “We renovated it after Cass moved out; now it’s a dope guest room. Naomi’s so sick with interior design. Come see!”

Ryan didn’t push me; he just let me lead him through the rest of the house and give him an enthusiastic, over-animated tour.

I put on my best show, laughing and grinning and whipping out all my best jokes. Each time the corner of his mouth tilted up, I felt a bleating beat of success shoot through my chest.

Keep ‘em laughing.

I loved it when the people around me were smiling and laughing. Sad people made me anxious.

But no matter how many times I made him smile, none of them seemed to really reach his eyes, and I felt a sickening sense of guilt that it was my fault those smiles weren’t hitting him properly anymore.

Alrighty then . No more talking about my sad boi past.

From now on, I would just focus on making my ginger snap happy.

I was good at that.

Just ask Cass and Naomi.