Chapter 21
Twenty-One
I turned around the great room, looking at the house from this position. The home was three stories, brand-new, and in a good school district. Granted, the drive to the hospital from here would be longer than it was from Chris’s house. Still, the place came with a Colorado Springs address and would provide a good environment for the girls to grow up in.
But something had me hesitating to give the Realtor the green light. What was it? The distance? The fact that I wouldn’t be able to close on the house for another two months, meaning I’d be beholden to Chris for all that time? Or was it just not the right home?
My mind flashed to the image of Chris and the girls having a tea party. When I’d seen him wearing that green boa, I’d placed a hand to my heart, trying to suppress the ache in my chest. He’d worn a similar grin to how Asher looked when Ellynn had sent me a picture of my brother-in-law having a tea party with Cheye. I wasn’t surprised that Chris was willing to play with my niece—the only surprise was how my heart reacted.
Looking around this house, somehow, I couldn’t imagine Chr is and the girls having a tea party in here. But that doesn’t mean this isn’t the right home.
Only, how was I supposed to know which place was the right choice?
“What do you think, Dr. Kennedy?” Kate asked.
I gave her a brief smile. “It’s certainly gorgeous.”
“That it is. And brand-new, so nothing to fix.”
True, but I’d heard of problems with new builds as well, usually due to shoddy workmanship. “Can I think about it before saying yay or nay?”
After spending time in the woods trying to talk to God, I still wasn’t sure about my next course of action. I’d logically assessed everything in my life up to now and could make a debate for coincidence and science as the reasons for so many moments in my life that now could also be debated as a God thing. Yet I still wasn’t sure if I fully believed in Him. I’d moved from skeptical to wanting to believe Someone cared for me and would watch over me. I just didn’t know what I needed to see or hear to turn that final step into full-on belief.
“Of course,” Kate replied, but the light was already dimming in her eyes.
I couldn’t blame her. We’d looked at a lot of houses, and nothing screamed This one . Meanwhile, Cheyenne still wasn’t enrolled in kindergarten.
She already knows how to read and write. She won’t fall too far behind.
Yes, but ... I wanted us all settled somewhere. We’d been in Chris’s place for too long. Long enough for Cheyenne to depend on him, play tea party, and for Ash to coo and laugh whenever he was around. We’d skip on how much I depended on him through this whole ordeal. I needed to learn how to rely on myself and only myself once more.
“Dr . Kennedy, have you considered moving to other towns close to Colorado Springs?”
“Like where?”
Kate named a few cities and then said, “Maybe even Woodland Park.”
My insides quaked at the mention of Chris’s town. My mouth dried as I tried to formulate a response. “Um, I’m temporarily living there, but I’m not really sure I like the commute.” Surely that was the reason I didn’t want to live there any longer. It had nothing to do with the blue-eyed man who smelled like the woods in all the best of ways.
“I hate to point this out, but this house has an even longer drive than your current commute.”
Something I already knew. “What are the pros again?” My gaze scanned the interior once again.
“There’s a really good school district here.” Kate studied me. “But if this isn’t the home for you, I’m sure I can find something comparable in Woodland Park. You wouldn’t have to uproot your kids.”
I stepped back. This was too much. How was I supposed to plan Cheye’s and Ash’s futures? That was what Ellynn should be doing. If I uprooted them again, would that compound the trauma of losing their parents? But you have to. You can’t live with Chris forever.
“Dr. Kennedy?”
I blinked, bringing my Realtor into focus. “I’ll let you know what I decide soon.”
“Fine.” She sighed. “You know how to reach me.”
I thanked her, then hightailed it to the car. Maybe I needed to take up running or something. Join a gym and get some restless energy out of my system, then I’d be able to focus on what mattered. Or maybe consider grief counseling or a single-parent support group.
As much as I tried to work through the pain of losing my sister and brother-in-law, some days the grief overwhelmed me. Looking in the mirror showed I’d aged. If it weren’t for the girls, I’d probably still be lying in bed in a puddle made from my tears. But I knew what it was like when a parent checked out. The girls deserved the best of me. At least the support from Chris helped me not to feel like a true single parent.
But something’s gotta give.
Because lately my emotions were too much. Taking care of the girls exhausted me. Ignoring the feelings I had whenever Chris was around made me panic, like that almost kiss. But the homes I’d toured ... I just didn’t love any of them. There was no feeling of rightness or a magical yes moment in my head. Only a heap of indecision and the pressure to pick a place in order to move on.
My condo had already sold, so moving back there wasn’t an option. And surely Chris wanted his space and privacy back, but he had made it clear there wasn’t a rush for me and the girls to find our own place. I was the one putting pressure on myself. I hated owing a person, and the amount of good deeds Chris had imparted on me ... Frankly, it would take me a lifetime to pay him back.
Maybe if I took the step of enrolling Cheyenne into the school in Chris’s district, I wouldn’t feel like such a failure.
For now, I’d make the drive back to Woodland Park, hang out with the girls, cry myself to sleep for the umpteenth time, then drive to work the next day. I wasn’t sure how my extra week off had flown by so fast. I’d looked into the leave act Dr. Cook had mentioned, but going unpaid for three months wasn’t something I found helpful. What would help was screwing bones back together and inserting a new knee or hip. Solving my patients’ problems would take my mind off my own.
As I drove down the interstate, my cell rang. I glanced at the NAV screen to read the caller ID. I didn’t recognize the number, but the area code was Lexington. The auto accept connected the call.
“Hello?”
“Dr. Kennedy, it’s Linda Simmons.”
“Yes, how can I help you?”
“A court date has been set for you to be deemed a permanent guardian for Cheyenne and Ashlynn. They are willing to allow you to be present via video chat. Are you able to do so?”
“Yes. Thank you so much for the accommodation.” I still wasn’t sure if I could go back to Ellynn’s house, knowing she wasn’t there, and pack everything off for good.
Chris had informed me Piper and Tuck were willing to oversee an estate sale if need be. Everyone was so ... accommodating. I didn’t know how to handle that. Sometimes, I wanted to curl up in a ball and forget that this was my reality. I wanted my baby sister back. I wanted my goofy brother-in-law, who made my sister laugh more than I’d ever seen growing up with her. I wanted my beautiful nieces to have their loving parents. How could I be a substitute? I was married to my work and had only just now found a friend.
“Then I’ll mark you down as video chat and confirm your date.”
“Thank you, Ms. Simmons.”
“If you don’t mind me saying, I’m praying for you and the girls. God will see you through.”
My breath hitched. Why did this feel like the brightest neon sign flashing in a desert showing me exactly where water was? I wasn’t sure why that image popped in my head, but it resonated deep within.
“Thank you,” I whispered before disconnecting.
I wasn’t sure how many times I’d say those words, but they might turn bitter in my mouth if I didn’t remember that I’d gone from being completely alone to having someone I could talk to. I had someone who would comfort me if I needed it. Chris had become one of my dearest friends in this whole ordeal. He’d understand how I felt about being named permanent guardian. Plus I could talk to Charlie. He comforted me at night when no one else could.
At times I still felt like Dr. Erykah Kennedy, but having people when I used to be alone made me feel like a new species. I’d never been completely comfortable in solitude, despite how awkward I was around others. Even though being excluded and looking from the outside on every part of life had drained me, I was used to that song and dance. Social anxiety had been my companion long before Charlie whimpered in the bushes.
Even now I found myself seeking solitude from the constant attention of my nieces, a dog, and a YouTuber. In fact, Chris even asked me to be in an upcoming video. He’d already planned out his online video content for next month, wanting holiday-inspired shorts he could upload once Thanksgiving was over.
Somehow I’d gained a family when Ellynn had lost hers.
“Why?” I whispered. It made no sense. Why did this have to happen?
The silence in my car continued. There was no answer, and I had a sinking feeling I’d never get one.
I turned on my music, desperately trying to drown out the thoughts in my mind as I traveled the rest of the way home. By the time I parked behind Chris’s gas guzzler—talk about irony—I was ready to be done with the day. But I still needed to cook dinner, hang out with the girls, and pretend like seeing Chris do domestic chores didn’t give me tachycardia.
When I walked through the front door, chaos greeted me.
Cheyenne lay on the floor, arms and feet swinging as she screamed at the top of her lungs. Ash’s wails were intermixed in the cacophony as Chris looked helplessly between the two.
I sniffed. Something was burning.
I placed my purse on the hook, hung up my jacket, then immediately took Ashlynn from Chris’s arms. She tucked her head underneath my neck, hiccups shaking her little body.
“Something’s burning. Did you attempt dinner?” I asked with a smile.
Chris muttered under his breath and raced into the kitchen.
Knowing he had that alarm taken care of and Ash had now quieted, I knelt beside my other niece.
“We don’t do that,” I stated firmly.
Cheye halted her kicks and screams and stared at me. “Do what?” She sniffed as salt tracks marred her cheeks.
“Throw tantrums. That’s not kind, and we always try to be kind.” Flashes of a memory with Ellynn peeked through to the present, when I had to impress upon my sister the importance of acting completely differently from our parents. She too liked to throw a good tantrum, similar to the ones our mom did when she ran out of drugs.
“Chris won’t let me have a snack.”
“Probably because dinner is almost ready, Cheye. You can’t eat both.”
“Then I won’t eat dinner!” Her voice ended on a yell.
I simply arched a brow and stared her down. When she huffed, I asked the question she knew must be coming. “Was that kind?”
“I don’t have to be kind,” she whined.
“Would your mama say the same thing?” I hated to ask. Her mom was gone. My sister wasn’t here to navigate this or any other storm. But I knew Ellynn’s heart, and no way she wanted her child to act like this.
“Ma ma’s gone,” she whimpered.
“I know. It hurts.” I patted my heart. “Very much.”
Cheye nodded.
“But don’t you still want to make her happy?”
“Yes.”
“Then please be kind. It would also make me happy, and I’m sure Chris would appreciate it as well. He’s been such a huge help to us, hasn’t he?” Poor man probably needed a walk outdoors.
“He fixed my baby.”
Cheye had a baby doll she slept with that was beyond tattered. “How did he do that?”
“Gave her a dress!” She sat up, tears forgotten and a smile on her face. “He gave her a new dress, fixed her hair, and she looks almost new.”
Had Chris sewn something? I turned to glance at the kitchen, and he gave me a thumbs-up. Guess that meant dinner was salvageable and we could eat.
“Did you thank him?” I asked, once more studying my niece.
Her head bobbed vigorously.
“Good. Now go apologize to him for acting that way and sit so we can eat dinner.”
“O-kay.” A petulant expression covered her face.
Guess she was like me in that department, found apologizing way too difficult to do. But remembering my childhood and all the ways our parents failed me and my sister, well, I wanted to be an adult who could apologize. I could only hope I’d raise the girls in a similar manner.