Chapter 25
Twenty-Five
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the L ORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.
I stared at the words, trying to make sense of them. I could understand God offering the encouragement to be strong and courageous. Anybody could encourage anybody. But the idea that He would never leave me ... That forced me to look back to my childhood, when I had felt very much alone.
My parents had checked out of life, leaving me to grow up without their guidance. And though I’d had Ellynn to lean on, I’d ended up in the role of her caretaker, not the other way around. A sharp pang went through my chest at my loss.
I’m alone now. If You never leave nor forsake, then why do I feel both so keenly? Ellynn and Asher are gone. My parents are who knows where. I’m without people.
You have Ash and Cheye. Chris. Even Charlie.
I bit my lip at my thoughts. Chris and Charlie came into my life right before the loss of Ellynn. In fact, Chris had been in my condo when I’d received the horrifying news. I w asn’t alone when Officer Pratt gave me the report that changed me forever.
I continued to think back and reflect. I tilted my head, remembering one of our neighbors who used to offer us food. Occasionally, she would bring Ellynn and me hand-me-downs, stating her own children could no longer fit in the clothes. Was God’s hand in that as well?
A lump formed in my throat, and I dropped my head on the Bible resting on my desk. I wished Ellynn were here so I could ask her all the questions. She believed for some reason, and I wished I had thought to ask why instead of discounting her beliefs because they didn’t fit mine.
I picked my head back up and rubbed my eyes. It was about time for my workday to start. Chris had been surprised when I’d asked him to handle the girls this morning, but I’d wanted a little quiet and had known he’d agree. I hoped that didn’t mean I was taking advantage of him. I just needed some time to think before a day of surgeries.
Whatever weirdness had existed when I’d picked him up from the airport had dissipated by the time we said good night to each other. I was so thankful, because being around Chris made everything better. There was peace in his presence, and he was plain fun. Not in an outlandish way that turned me off and had me wondering if he knew how to be serious. But in witty banter or playing with the kids or trying to pull me into the great outdoors and simply rest.
I swapped my street clothes for scrubs. The blue uniforms the hospital made us wear had its name stamped over the left breast pocket. I pulled my twists into a bun at the nape of my neck and slipped on my blue satin–lined scrub cap. Just as I put on my lab coat, a knock sounded at my door.
“Come in,” I called.
I f olded my clothes and slid them into the bag leaning against my desk.
Dr. Ann Collier stepped in. “Good morning, Dr. Kennedy. I’m here for the rundown of your day.”
“Good morning to you too, Dr. Collier. Go ahead.”
I sat down and listened as she listed off the surgeries for me to perform today. A few times I interrupted to ask clarifying questions. Not because I needed clarification, but Dr. Collier was only a second-year resident, and I wanted to make sure she knew who was getting what and why. Occasionally I asked an obvious question just to see how she’d respond. After getting satisfactory responses, I returned to the patient up first.
“All right. Is the first patient all set?”
Dr. Collier checked the hospital iPad for his status. “Mr. Gordon just checked in.”
“Great. Please ensure everything goes smoothly with his check-in process. Page me five minutes before you need me. I’ve got some emails to get through real quick.”
“Of course.” Dr. Collier studied me.
“Yes?” I asked, trying not to fidget under her scrutiny. I could only hope the next words out of her mouth were work related.
“Um, I just wanted to let you know that I’m praying for you. I know how hard it is to lose a sibling.” She swallowed. “My older brother died when I was eighteen. Car crash. It was his fault.” She closed her eyes. “Um, what I’m trying to say is I hope God surrounds you with His comfort. I know how bleak those earlier days are.”
My mouth dropped. This was the most Dr. Collier had ever shared with me. And for it to be so personal ... Something in my heart cracked. I swallowed against the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry for your loss.” How I hated those wor ds, but I actually meant them. Felt a connection with them that I wouldn’t have had before. “Thank you for thinking of me.”
We’d never had a personal relationship, but at this moment, I regretted keeping my residents at arm’s length. Shouldn’t I want to form some kind of personal relationship with the people I guided in the OR?
“Of course. How are your nieces?”
I thought a moment. “Ashlynn, uh, the baby, she’s eight months.” That’s not what she asked. “When the accident first happened, she cried so much.” I stifled my own tears. “Now she’s babbling and giggling. She seems happy to see me.” I didn’t know if that meant she didn’t miss Ellynn anymore, and I didn’t want to contemplate that fully.
“And your other niece? You have two, right?”
I nodded. “Cheyenne’s a pistol. The girl’s a diva at five but so smart.”
Both Ellynn and I had intelligence in spades, so that didn’t surprise me. But being with Cheyenne in person every day showed me much more of her personality than I’d ever gotten over video chat.
“How’s she dealing with the grief?”
“We’ve cried together. She also has a lot of tantrums. I’ve read that’s normal because of the loss.”
“Have you considered finding her a child therapist? To help?”
I blinked. I actually hadn’t ever thought of that. Why haven’t you? How could you have overlooked that?
Something must have showed on my face, because Dr. Collier quickly spoke. “I mean, you don’t have to. I just know it helped me greatly, and I can only imagine a five-year-old would have a tougher time than I did.”
Hadn’t I considered grief counseling for myself? Why not Cheyenne? “No, it’s a good idea. Something I should’ve thought of sooner.”
“I’m sure this has all been overwhelming. I had the comfort of my parents to see me through. You’ve had to become a mom.” She sighed. “Just remember God’s got you, and He’s watching over you. You’re not alone.”
Tears pricked my eyelids. If someone had given me a comment like that before, I would’ve scoffed. But after reading my Bible and trying to figure out prayer, the words seemed like validation that He was watching me, listening to me, answering the questions I had for Him.
“Thank you, Dr. Collier.”
She nodded, then stood. “I’ll get to work.”
When the door closed behind her, I dropped my head to the desk and let the tears fall just a little bit to release the tension holding me captive. These weren’t bad tears, despite having spoken about Ellynn and how the girls and I were handling her and Asher’s absence. These were tears of relief. Someone greater than me saw me, heard me, and kept sending people to pray for me.
How many signs do you need to believe, Erykah?
That was a question I’d asked myself before, but today, it hit me. I didn’t need any more signs. He was real. God saw me. He was with me. He had been watching over me my whole life.
I believe You’re real. But I don’t know what to do next.
I raised my head and grabbed a tissue, blotting at the tears on my face. Chris had told me that when I believed in God the act was called salvation or getting saved . But I didn’t fully understand what that meant. I pulled up my web browser and typed a question into the search engine: How do I get saved by God?
I clicked on a result and read the contents. It seemed str aightforward. The webpage outlined a salvation prayer . My heart pounded as I read the prayer. I could say this for myself. I could give my heart to Jesus and confess my sins.
So what’s stopping you?
Was it nerves? Talking to Dr. Collier had tipped me over to belief. Seeing the signs of God’s care in my past had primed me, as well as all the reading I’d been doing in the Bible Ellynn had given me.
I closed my eyes.
Ellynn, I don’t know if you can hear me. I don’t know if that’s how heaven works. But I want you to know I’ve been reading the Bible. Thank you for always thinking of me and for giving it to me. I want you to know I believe in God. I’ll do right by the girls and teach them about Him as well.
Which probably meant I should accept one of Chris’s invitations to attend church.
I love you, Ellynn. I miss Asher. I miss your family. I promise Cheyenne and Ashlynn will never feel alone. I’ll continue providing a stable home like you and Asher gave them. I’ll tell them about you two, how you met, how you fell in love, how you made a beautiful family. I promise.
I sniffed.
Um, God, it’s me. I’m sure You heard my conversation with Ellynn. Maybe You think that’s silly, but I hope You understand. I believe in You. I believe that You won’t forsake me or leave me. That You never have, even though I’ve spent a lifetime feeling alone. I know that’s because I haven’ t acknowledged You before now. I bit my lip, trying to figure out what else I wanted to say. I peeked at the salvation prayer.
I confess that I’ve lived a life apart from You and sinned. Please forgive me. I believe that Jesus Christ is Your Son, who died for my sins and rose again.
The re wasn’t much else to the prayer, but that seemed so inadequate.
Thank You for giving me signs of Your presence. Thank You for Chris, Charlie, and the girls. Please show me how to be a good guardian and make You, Ellynn, and Asher proud. In Jesus’s name, amen.
My heart felt lighter. Somehow, I knew the rest of my day would be better for it.