Chapter 30

Thirty

Chris ran a hand down his face.

“Why is this so difficult today?” Cameron asked him.

“I don’t know.” He stared into the camera that was waiting to film him being funny as he shared about a pygmy rabbit. He needed to be his usual YouTube persona, but for some reason he couldn’t find the wherewithal to care.

He sighed and sat down on the stool. “I’m having a hard time feeling like making these videos matters in the grand scheme of things.” Holding Erykah when she cried, that mattered. Planning a ski trip to keep the girls occupied, that mattered. Okay, so maybe not so much the ski trip itself, but the fact the sport was an activity all of them could participate in and make memories ... together.

Performing for a camera in the hopes that someone would be convicted to take better care of the planet and the animals within ... well, would they? Or would it just come off as entertainment value? The PathLight docuseries was more in-depth and could potentially do more than his YouTube channel, but Chris no longer believed his involvement to be a good idea. The director seemed to want to commercialize Colo rado for tourist reasons, not to help save the world. Shame on Chris for thinking he could convince anyone to be a better steward. The odds of that were like one in a million.

Jesus would go after that single one.

Chris let out a breath. “I’m sorry. Give me a second to get my head on straight.”

“Want to talk about it?” Cameron gave him a sympathetic glance.

“I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“With the words making the loudest noise.”

That actually made a lot of sense. The thing that had been echoing in his head since Erykah’s breakdown was the idea of being there for someone. How could Chris physically be present for someone in need? His mom didn’t seem to need anything from him, never had. Though there was the strange interaction Thanksgiving Day. She’d cooked for them all, cooed over the girls, then exited without an I love you . But that was all beside the point.

Erykah needed a friend, the girls needed guardianship, and the world... Well, the world was too big for him to hold in his hands. So he’d been thinking about his personal circle—which encompassed Erykah and the girls, the guys and their ladies, and Cameron and the people at work. Was his circle supposed to be that small?

“I’m not sure if what I’m currently doing is what I’m supposed to be doing. Am I making any sort of effective change, or am I just chasing numbers to get more subscribers?” He ran a hand down his face. “I believe God wants me to show the majesty of His creatures and creation. That I’m supposed to challenge people in a kind way to care for the earth and everything in it. But the board wants to show progress, and having a million subscribers is proof, but am I actually making a difference? I just feel so...”

“Hel pless?” Cameron supplied.

“Yes.” His shoulders sagged. “That about sums it up.”

“Chris, I think everyone goes through that. Not only do we all come to that crossroad, but you have to remember, you’re grieving.”

He blinked. “Come again? I’m not the one who lost a sister and brother-in-law. Erykah did.”

“I know, and her grief is different from yours because of all the shared memories she has. Plus, she’s a single parent all of a sudden. But you’re grieving with her. I know you. You don’t do things halfway. Your heart hurts for her and those girls. That’s grief. It’s actually known as disenfranchised grief because society’s rules on grief make us feel like we can only lament for people we knew personally.”

“Disenfranchised grief? Where did you even hear that?” He stared at Cam in amazement.

“A podcast on grief.” Cameron gave a soft smile. “I’m realizing that I’m an empath, so I’ve been doing my research so that my emotions don’t tank because of another person’s. Anyway, they did an episode on this type of grief. It’s why millions of people can mourn the loss of a celebrity even though they didn’t personally know them. The celebrity still touched our lives. Whether it’s because we grew up watching them on a show that gave us special memories, or we sang every song they ever recorded. It doesn’t matter why we grieve. Erykah’s family has impacted you. You are grieving, and as your colleague and friend, I’m telling you it’s okay.”

Chris let her words sink in. “I keep thinking of Erykah’s nieces. Ash will have no memories of her mom or dad whatsoever, and Cheye...” He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not sure what she’ll remember when she’s older. My heart breaks every time I see them.”

“Grief.”

He l et out a chuckle. “Fine. I get it. I’m grieving because of the impact they have on me currently, not previously.”

“In a nutshell.”

Wow. Something to mull over later.

“And if you think about it, God made us to be a community. You and I are the body of Christ, so what affects me affects you. We may not look at it like that because we don’t share the same home, but if someone in my family passed away, wouldn’t you grieve for me?”

“Well, yeah. But I’ve also known you for a decade.” He winced. “Yikes. Makes me sound old.”

“You are old.”

He folded his arms. “Not you too.”

“You’re not shocked.” Cameron smiled. “Just remember that God wants us watching over each other and being concerned for one another. Just look at how many one another statements are in the New Testament. To me, it sounds like you’re doing exactly what He’s asked you to do.”

She paused. “The board wants you to do these videos. As a good steward, I know you’ll give them what they want.” She drew an imaginary circle with her pointer finger in the air. “Full circle.”

“All right, all right. I get it. I’ll make this video.”

“Yes. Then go home, hug the kids, and maybe ask Erykah to tell you about her sister and brother-in-law.”

Had he even thought to do that before? That was something he definitely needed to rectify. He stood. “Let’s get this done, then.”

“Is YouTube Chris ready?”

He smirked. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Then on my mark.” Cameron held up three fingers, then two while the other hand hovered on the camera, then one.

“Hey, guys. It’s your pal Chris here. I wanted to interrupt your busy day to give you a shot of something happy.” He pointed to the wooden box in front of him. A lot of the animals he filmed liked to hide in there before he pulled them out to showcase them to the world. The box was well ventilated thanks to holes positioned all around it.

“What I’m about to show you might make you go awww . ” He mimicked the way Cameron usually said it, and she rolled her eyes. “But that’s exactly what you need to get you through hump day. You ready?”

He stared at the camera and waited a beat. “Before I show our mystery guest, let me tell you the poll results.” He always posted a poll on socials and had people comment with a guess for the following week. “The three most popular guesses were a rat, a snake, or a rabbit. Now to unveil our mystery creature...” He slid the cover back, knowing Cameron would be zooming in.

The animals shifted as light hit them but otherwise stayed snuggled together. He reached for one, then the other.

“If you guessed rabbit, you were pretty close! These two pygmy rabbits just want to brighten up your day.” He held them up to the camera. “These little guys like to sleep cozied up. They’re not considered native to Colorado as they’re mostly found in the Pacific Northwest. However, more and more of these little guys are popping up in Colorado, enough to get our attention. These two guys will be transported to a Washington wildlife rehab center as soon as we’re able.” They were so soft, live stress balls, really. He could feel the uncertainty fall away as he took in part of God’s creation.

Chris set them back in the box, knowing Zach would get them back in their proper spot soon. He smiled at the camera.

“Well, that’s your ‘get over the hump day’ animal spotlight. Leave your guess for next week’s mystery box and don’t forget to hit Like and Subscribe and check out my longer videos.”

“And done,” Cameron said, once the red light went away. “Good job.”

“Thanks for talking with me, Cameron.”

“What are project managers for?”

“You mean friends?” He stared at her pointedly.

She smiled. “Exactly. Now go home. We’ll get everyone settled and lock up the place.”

“You sure you don’t want to leave early and meet Felix for an early dinner?” When her engagement had been fresh, she’d talked a lot about her fiancé. Now she seemed quieter. “Everything okay with him?”

“Yeah, of course. We’re going to be doing the seating arrangements for the reception later. So staying won’t ruin any plans.” She waved him away. “You need to get home for Cheye. Go.”

He nodded.

Erykah had enrolled Cheyenne into the school in his district, and today was her first day. The office had seemed quiet without her.

He glanced at his watch. If he left right now, he’d make it back home in time to see her get off the bus at 3:30 p.m. He whistled, and the sound of a dog collar tinkling reached his ears. Charlie came to stand in front of him.

“Ready to go home?”

Charlie barked.

“Attaboy. Let’s go.”

The pup was fully potty trained now but still had a lot of puppy energy, so Chris always brought him to work. This was probably the best place for him to roam free and not get into trouble.

Once Chris parked in front of his house, the sound of b rakes from a bigger vehicle sounded. He looked at the rearview mirror and saw the school bus a few houses down. He got out of the car, putting Charlie on a leash before heading down the street.

A little girl with two French braids who looked like Cheyenne hopped off the bus. He cupped his mouth. “Cheye!”

She turned and scanned the area, then spotted him. She ran down the street, looking like a marshmallow in her puffer jacket. Where was her hat? Surely Erykah hadn’t dropped her off at school without a beanie. Chris knelt down.

“Chris!” Cheyenne wrapped her arms around him. “I don’t like school.”

“What? Why?” He pulled her back to look into her face.

“The kids said I talk funny.”

Well, she did have an adorable country accent, but considering she’d grown up in Kentucky, Chris hadn’t given it a second thought. Unfortunately, he’d temporarily forgotten how cruel kids could be.

“What else did they say?”

“They just kept laughing every time I talked.”

Oh man. How could he fix this for her? “Did your mommy talk like you?”

She wrinkled her nose as if thinking. “No, but Daddy did.”

“Then you guys have the same accent.”

“Accent?”

Chris faked a New York accent, then a country one.

Cheyenne giggled. “I get it.”

“See? You talk like your daddy. And your mommy talked like your aunt, right?”

She nodded.

“Then you have nothing to be upset about. Just tell them you’re from Kentucky.”

“Okay. Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad.”

“I’ll pray it’s not.”

Cheyenne petted Charlie. “I missed Charlie. How come he can’t come to school with me?”

“Pets aren’t allowed at school. They don’t want you to be distracted while you learn.”

“You have pets at your work.”

Trust her to try to find a parallel. “Remember, most of the animals at my job are wild. They’re not pets. Do you know what I mean?”

She blew out a breath. “They’re not domesticated,” she enunciated slowly, as if trying to remember how he told her to pronounce the word.

“Right.” Erykah was lucky Charlie hadn’t been wild.

He stood to his feet and held out his hand. “Did you learn anything exciting today?”

“Did you know that turtles can live for a long time? Mrs. Vega has a turtle as a class pet.” Cheyenne’s brow wrinkled. “We can’t take him home with us, but we’re allowed to take breaks and talk to him. He’s fifteen. That’s old, but not as old as your mom.”

He could only imagine what Cheyenne would think if she knew his age. “Did you know turtles can’t outgrow their shell?”

“No,” she gasp-whispered. “That’s so cool. My backpack is like a turtle shell.”

He glanced at the bright pink Barbie backpack. “I don’t know. It’s pink.”

“I’m a girl turtle.”

Chris had to hold back laughter. Life around Cheyenne was never dull. “You need a snack?”

“Yes. I’m starving.” She groaned dramatically. “Can I have apples and cheese?” She tilted her head to the side.

“I can do that.”

“Cut them right this time.” She pointed a finger as if reprimanding him.

But that wasn’t necessary. He’d learned his lesson from her last meltdown. “Yes, ma’am.”

“I’m not a ma’am. I’m a little girl.”

A bossy one at that ... but so adorable. He hated that Cheyenne and Ash had lost their parents but was so thankful that God had allowed Chris to play a small part in their lives. He knew they had impacted him in ways he’d never expected.

With Tuck married and Lamont soon to be, Chris could see why his friends wanted more for Chris. He wanted more, just in God’s timing.

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