29. April
Chapter 29
April
I rest my head against the cool leather of the headrest, squeezing my eyes shut as the Uber speeds off down the road. I can’t get James’s tortured expression out of my mind.
This was a mistake.
He looked devastated.
I stare out the window, lost in thought as the city blurs into streaks of white, green, and red.
I take a few deep, shaky breaths, trying to quell the storm building inside me. Lucas couldn’t have chosen a worse time to send his stupid message.
Why would he unblock me now?
What could he want to say to me after all this time?
I wonder if he found out about James and me somehow. Surely not.
Of course, the first time I hear from him in months is the morning after his brother was buried balls deep inside me. Just my bloody luck.
There’s no point putting off reading the message. Might as well do it now, like ripping off a Band-Aid. My finger hovers over the conversation with Lucas—the one that’s been dead silent for months. I open the thread, and my eyes fix on his three simple words.
A wave of nausea rolls through me and my palms start to sweat.
I’m panicking.
I know this isn’t a typical or healthy way to respond to a message from someone I once loved, but the truth is, I’m powerless against it.
I reread his message over and over.
Lucas: Can we talk?
Can we talk?
Is he serious?
This is the guy who was hiding behind a fucking Instagram account, messaging dozens of women, and sending voice notes and dick pics. Who fell out of love with me to pursue women online, broke my heart, and then ghosted me without so much as a word. Now he suddenly wants to talk?
The questions pour in thick and fast, stealing the breath from my lungs.
I’m anxious.
I’m anxious and I’m pissed. It feels like fire is erupting beneath my skin.
A couple of months ago, I would have done anything to receive a message like this from him. I would have clung to every word, desperate for any sort of connection. I was so consumed by the hope of us getting back together that I would imagine him showing up on my doorstep out of the blue, pleading for my forgiveness, confessing that he still loves me, that he wants me, that he misses me as much as I miss him, that he chooses me.
That he made a mistake.
But he never did.
His message just proves that everything is always on his terms.
It always was.
I was just too enamoured with love to see it.
The more time has passed, the more I’ve realised how obvious the signs were. I was so ignorant.
I place my phone in my lap, deciding not to respond. I need to calm down and clear my head after the shitshow performance I pulled this morning. I’ll hold off on figuring out what to do next until I’m with the girls for margaritas later. As I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand, I’m surprised to find them wet. I hadn’t even realised I was crying.
God, how did I mess everything up so spectacularly?
The Uber pulls up to the kerb in front of my townhouse. As soon as I step through the entrance I rush upstairs to my bedroom. The moment I enter, Basil wanders in, greeting me with a soft squawk.
“Hey, buddy,” I murmur, bending down to scratch his ears. His purrs and quiet trills warm my heart, and I scoop him up, cradling him like a baby. With him nestled securely in one arm, I gently rub under his chin, watching as his eyes slow blink at me—what I call his “love eyes.” I pepper kisses over his tiny forehead and snout before placing him gently back on the carpet, watching as he slinks away.
I freshen up and head downstairs, feeling somewhat revived, to flick on the kettle. I make a conscious decision to leave my phone untouched—I don’t want to be accessible to anyone right now, and I refuse to be drawn back into rereading old messages from Lucas.
Messages that are largely one-sided.
I can’t go back to that place.
I’ve come so far, thanks to the strength and comfort my best friends have given me, I won’t allow myself to be drawn back into the black hole.
It’s not worth it. He isn’t worth it.
Instead, I make a pot of breakfast tea, curl up on the sofa with Basil, and turn on my favourite film. It’s still early morning, and I won’t be seeing the girls until this afternoon, so I decide to switch off from the outside world.
These are the moments when it’s so easy to feel alone. I love my space, but when everything around me is quiet, the solitude and loneliness drowns me.
What I wouldn’t give for the warmth of my mother’s arms and the wisdom of my father’s words. I miss them so much it hurts. A mother’s hug has the magical ability to stop the world from spinning, if only for a moment. I feel so lost without her.
And just briefly, Caroline creeps into my thoughts. I miss her too. When Lucas and I broke up, it wasn’t just him I was grieving—I lost his parents too. They showered me with love and made me feel at home. Birthdays and holidays became something to look forward to again. I hope she’s doing well. She adored Basil; we’d always bring him along when we stayed over, and he seemed to offer her comfort during her darker days.
Not having my own mum around anymore made me appreciate Caroline even more. Because Caroline struggles with depression, Lucas often called to check on her, and she would always mention that James had been to visit her most weeks. Even though I miss her terribly, it’s a comfort knowing she has James.
She’s in the best possible hands.
I lean back on the sofa, closing my eyes as the film plays in the background, and before I know it, darkness swallows me.
I wake to the sound of my vibrating phone. Groggily, I peel my eyes open, realising it must be late afternoon.
How long was I out?
Slowly, I lift myself off the sofa and head towards the phone, noticing I’ve missed a couple of calls from Gemma. I hit the call button, and she answers almost immediately.
“Hello?”
“Hey, I’m sorry I missed the market this morning, “I say, stifling a yawn.
She chuckles. “It’s totally fine. I’d miss the market too if it meant I had the opportunity to shag a modern-day Apollo. Did I wake you?”
“It’s fine, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“Tired from last night?” she teases, and I can picture her wiggling her eyebrows on the other end of the line.
“Oh God,” I mutter, cringing as I run a hand down my face.
“What’s wrong?”
I blow out a breath, wincing. “It’s easier if I tell you tonight. What time is it?” I ask, pulling the phone away from my ear to check the time. Six. “Shit, I slept all day.”
“Come round now. I’m not doing anything. We can have a quick cuppa together before Anna arrives.”
“Ugh, you’re a lifesaver. I’ll be there soon.”
“Love you.”
“Love you.”
I hang up and bolt upstairs. I throw my hair up into a messy claw clip, and make sure Basil has enough food to last through the evening in case I end up crashing at Gemma’s. As I check everything, I sigh in relief, thankful Gemma had a fresh bag of litter delivered. I spot Basil and plant a kiss on his head. “Please don’t crap on the floor.”
I dash out the door, popping my AirPods in as I rush to the tube.
I arrive at Gemma’s flat fifteen minutes later and, as usual, I start skimming over her bookshelf, trying to distract myself from the clusterfuck I’m about to unload on her.
I pull out her latest purchase, a smutty monster romance, and flip it over to read the blurb. I shelve it, laughing after I spot the word milking .
I love Gemma, but our mutual love for romance novels starts and ends with hockey.
“I loaded up on Oreos.”
I jump, startled as Gemma strolls into the lounge carrying a tray with two steaming mugs of tea and a packet of biscuits.
“You’re an angel.”
I join her on the sofa and pluck an Oreo from the tray. I dunk it into my tea before taking a bite, the chocolatey flavour melting on my tongue.
Gemma’s phone lights up, and she takes a long sip of her tea before setting it down and leaning over to read the message. “It’s Anna. She’ll be here in five.”
“Fab,” I say, nodding towards her bookshelf. “When did you get the new monster romance?”
“Last weekend. I was on a date with a guy from that kink app, Evan. We met at Green Park, so I dragged him into Waterstones. He was totally smitten, obviously—I was wearing that off-the-shoulder top that makes my tits look lush, and he insisted on buying it for me. It was a great date, actually. We walked around St. James’s Park, had a coffee by the lake, and watched the birds. Then we headed over to Soho for a drink. I brought him back to mine and …” She trails off.
“Oh God, what happened?” I ask, chuckling. I will never tire of hearing her dating horror stories.
“Your imagination couldn’t even conjure this,” she says.
My brows knit together, and I turn to face her fully. “Try me.”
She closes her eyes dramatically, blowing out a long breath. “We went back to mine, and things escalated pretty quickly. We started making out—you know how much I love making out.” She gives me a pointed look, and I nod as she continues, “I was in his lap on the couch, and he asked if he could suck on my tits. So, I called him a good boy. You know how I’ve been wanting to explore my Mommy Dom side.”
Of course, I didn’t know, but I nod all the same.
“Well, I pulled his dick out and went down on him. Then told him to bend over my lap so I could spank him.”
My eyes widen and I almost spit out my tea.
“After that, I told him to wait while I grabbed some lube.”
I have no fucking clue where this is headed, but I tell her to keep going.
“When I came back, he was on all fours on the couch, ass up like a bitch in heat.” She pauses, shutting her eyes for a moment.
“Oh God,” I whisper.
“I know. I told him I wasn’t into eating ass.”
“I don’t think that’s an unreasonable boundary to set.”
“He looked so disappointed, but I just couldn’t do it, you know? So, we had sex instead, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse?—”
“Please stop?—”
“—the condom came off inside me.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“It was the worst sex I’ve ever had. I was left fishing the condom out of my cervix.”
“How far up was it?”
“Much further than I expected his mediocre dick could reach.”
That’s an image I could’ve lived without.
Her shoulders slump. “Anyway, at least I got the book out of it.”
“Silver linings.”
The intercom buzzes and Gemma leaps up, rushing to let Anna in. She sweeps into Gemma’s flat, tote bag swinging on her shoulder. “Hiiiii!” she says, rushing towards me. She drops her bag beside the sofa and pulls me into a tight embrace, nearly crushing me in her arms.
“Hi, love,” I say with a smile, hugging her back.
Gemma eyes Anna’s bag. “You got the goods?”
“Yep, so many limes,” Anna replies with a grin.
Gemma grabs the tote and heads towards the kitchen, where I can only assume she’s about to make margaritas. Anna plops down on the sofa beside me, and I lean close to whisper, “Did she tell you about Evan?”
Anna throws her head back in a snorting laugh. “Ahh, yes, Ass-to-the-Wind Evan ,” she says, shaking her head. “It’s one of her better stories.”
“It sounded fucking awful.”
“Ah well. You live and you learn. Speaking of—I can’t wait to hear about your evening, you promiscuous thing, you,” she says, giving my arm a playful poke.
“I’m going to need a drink for that.”
Her face falls. “Oh shit. What happened?”
“Let’s give Gemma a hand. I’ll fill you in once we’re all settled.”
Anna nods, and we join Gemma in the kitchen, slicing limes, salting glasses, and blending tequila with Cointreau, perfecting the margarita as we chat and catch up. We clink our glasses and take a sip. I fill a bowl with kettle crisps while Anna grabs hummus and crackers. With snacks in hand, we reconvene on the sofa. Gemma fiddles with her phone, tapping away until music flows through the portable speaker.
Both sets of eyes settle on me.
Excellent. I’m up.
I take a generous gulp of liquid courage, the tequila burning slightly as it goes down, before crossing my legs. I clear my throat.
“I’ll start off by saying that last night was, hands down, the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.”
“Way to rub it in,” Gemma huffs.
Anna slaps my thigh with a grin. “Atta girl.”
I clench my jaw, and the smile slips from her face.
“Alright,” she says, her eyes narrowing. “Tell us. Start from the beginning.”
I fill Anna in from the moment Gemma and I got home last night, all the way to waking up in James’s flat this morning. They nod, giggle, and laugh at all the right moments, fully engaged in the story. I can tell they’re both thinking the same thing—that James is adorable, thoughtful, and sweet. And he is, which makes me hesitate to share what comes next.
I suck in a breath and push forward. “But then …”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, just spit it out already!” Anna says.
“Lucas messaged me.”
The silence is heavy.
I wait, expecting one of them to say something, anything, but they just stare at me, stunned. Finally, Gemma gently places her hand on my thigh. “What did he say?”
“It said ‘ Can we talk ?’”
“That’s it?” Anna asks, frowning.
“Yup,” I reply, popping the p .
“Did you reply?” Gemma asks. I shake my head. I’m so, so happy about what happened with James, but Lucas reaching out has me torn. I can’t determine how I feel. I’m so frustrated. The whole situation is fucked.
“Oh, honey,” Gemma says, rubbing my thigh gently.
“James and I had an unforgettable evening. It was everything I’d hoped it would be. But then, I woke up to a text from Lucas, and suddenly I felt … Guilty? Angry? A bit of both? I can’t quite pinpoint it. James had been so kind, so considerate, and I froze. Panic took over. I shut myself off. I didn’t know how to react, so I pushed him away, and before I could stop myself, I bolted,” I say.
“I’m sure he’ll understand you were just overwhelmed,” Anna says.
“I told him it was a mistake,” I whisper, as my lip starts to tremble. I feel so terrible. I quickly catch a stray tear with the sleeve of my jumper, wiping it away. “Why did Lucas have to ruin everything?”
Gemma moves closer, wrapping her arms around me while Anna rubs my back in soothing circles.
“He ignored me and walked away like I never existed. Like he never loved me. I’m so mad at him. So why do I feel guilty? It’s not fair.”
“You feel guilty because it’s not just about sex with James,” Anna says. “It’s not some meaningless hookup. You have real feelings for him, and that’s where the guilt is coming from. You care, and that makes this messy and complicated. You’re kind, maybe even too kind sometimes, and that’s why it’s weighing on you.” She pauses for a moment, making sure I’m still with her. “But listen, it’s okay to feel conflicted. You’re not a robot—you can’t just switch off your emotions. You didn’t sleep with James to get back at Lucas or to prove a point. You did it because you like him. Because there’s something between you two that you couldn’t ignore. And that’s fine. Lucas doesn’t get to have power over that.” She continues, her voice a little firmer now. “You’re human, and humans don’t choose who they fall for or when. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you, who treats you right. You’re allowed to find happiness with someone who values you—without Lucas looming over your decision.”
I know she’s right. I agree with everything she’s saying, but the guilt is suffocating.
Yes, I have every right to move on, but does that right extend to James?
Is it different because he’s Lucas’s brother?
I’m terrified that pursuing James makes me just as bad as Lucas. Isn’t sleeping with your ex’s brother just as much of a betrayal?
Isn’t it just as cruel?
Are the two comparable?
Lucas was having emotional affairs, but I actually slept with James.
Dick in vagina.
This is physical, tangible.
“But he’s his brother … Doesn’t that make me just as bad?”
Anna shakes her head. “No, it doesn’t. Lucas made a promise and lied, deceived you, and hurt you repeatedly. You haven’t done that. You aren’t playing some twisted game. This isn’t about getting attention, and what you have with James isn’t about Lucas. This happened naturally, after all the damage Lucas left behind. You shouldn’t feel guilty for finding something amidst the wreckage he caused. The only person Lucas ever considered in his actions was himself. Quit thinking about everyone else—you need to think about you now.”
Gemma nods, and I shift my gaze to her, her eyes meeting mine with intensity. “I’m gonna be real with you right now,” she begins. “Fuck Lucas. He didn’t think twice about how his actions would make you feel, and even if he did, he clearly didn’t give a shit. Why should his opinion dictate how you live your life? It’s none of his damn business. Why should he hold any part of you hostage?”
She grips my hand, giving it a squeeze. “This guilt isn’t yours to carry. It belongs to Lucas. He’s the one who should be ashamed for what he did, not you. You don’t owe him anything. You deserve to make your own choices without worrying about what he thinks. Don’t let him hold that kind of power over you anymore.”
My eyes dart between Anna and Gemma. Slowly, I nod. Perhaps they’re right. I can’t keep carrying the weight of someone who never bothered to consider my feelings. I’m not responsible for Lucas anymore.
I’m exhausted.
He’s been the source of my sadness for far too long.
I square my shoulders. “You’re right. Both of you. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I was on the verge of losing it this morning—like, I’m talking a full-on meltdown. I acted like such an idiot,” I sigh. “I haven’t heard from James since, and I can’t say I blame him. I just … I hope I haven’t scared him off.” I drop my gaze. “I hate that I might have hurt him.”
Anna immediately jumps in. “Babe, we all have moments where we freak out. Don’t beat yourself up. If James really cares about you—and it sounds like he does—he’ll understand. You just both need to give each other some time to process everything.”
Gemma nods encouragingly. “Exactly. You had a vulnerable moment, and he needs to see that. If he’s worth it—and I really think he is—he’s not going to run just because things got a little messy. He’s not Lucas, remember? I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and trust me, you couldn’t have scared him away. You probably caught him off guard. Give it a little time, and I’m sure he’ll come around.”
Once my anxiety subsides and I’ve calmed down, Anna shoots me a smile. “So, you really like him, huh?”
“Yeah,” I say. “I really do.”
Her eyes twinkle as she grabs my and Gemma’s drinks, handing them to us. She clinks our glasses together with a grin before taking a big gulp. Then, she snatches Gemma’s phone off the couch, her fingers tapping rapidly on the screen until a familiar beat fills the room.
Gemma shoots to her feet, raising her glass high above her head, a wide smile spreading across her face. Anna stands up too, joining Gemma in the toast. Both of them look down at me, their expressions full of excitement and solidarity. I can’t help but return their smiles as I rise to join them.
“To April!” Anna says. “Our resident brother fucker. May you fuck that brother to your heart’s content.” She waves her glass around wildly, liquid spilling over the rim, and we all burst into laughter.
“To being a brother fucker,” I say, clinking my glass with theirs.
I can do this.
I deserve to be happy.
James deserves to be happy.
Now, I suppose it’s only a matter of time until Lucas finds out about us.