19-Lily
“Is that big house yours, too?” It has a minivan and sedan out front, and Julian would never willingly drive either of them. The brick home is dark, with only a single outside light.
Julian opens his front door and beckons me inside. He glances back at the larger home and shrugs. “Both of these are mine. An older couple took a short lease, which is fine. They go to bed early and have no interest in me. It’s a perfect relationship.”
I glance around. It’s small, and the number of doors reveals only a single bedroom. It’s also impersonal, not much different from a hotel room. “You planned for someone else to live here,” I guess.
He clears his throat. “My mother.” Julian’s jaw stiffens with tension. He moves into the narrow kitchen and opens the fridge. “Do you want something to drink?”
Sarah and Maddie gave me several pieces of expert advice earlier today. One of them is to get drunk with the girlfriends and stay sober with the men. “A cup of water is fine. No ice.”
Julian hands me a glass of water, and I take a sip. He guzzles almost half a bottle at once.
He’s nervous, and I get it because so am I. Another suggestion my friends gave me was to spend the evening ignoring Julian. Also, I should pretend to enjoy myself no matter what. It may all be good advice, but it was difficult to follow, partly because I’m unsure of its purpose. My mind was busy with worry the entire night. Julian rejected me, and that could mean he was angry or disappointed. It doesn’t make sense that he would, but it’s possible he does.
Then, if Matteo chose to flirt with me, what would I do? I would fail again, except with an audience this time. My anxiety moved on to school next. There’s a paper due at the end of the week, and after spending the previous evening working on it, I managed three sentences. My brain wouldn’t let me write, and none of my usual hacks helped either.
“I don’t know why you asked me here,” I say and hear the warble in my voice. I suck in a breath and try again. “You need to tell me.” His jaw tightens, and he glances away. “What do you want?”
“Excellent question. Who picked out that dress you’re wearing?”
“It’s borrowed from Sarah.” Innocent, she said, while I thought it was virginal. Childish. “You don’t like it.”
Julian shakes his head. “That was my guess. Come here.” He grabs my hips, moving us both until I bump against a table. “If we do this, you realize I’ll take all of your firsts. You get that, right?”
An entire drive home was spent gathering the courage to ask, only for him to say no. “You refused.”
“You surprised me, Lily, although you shouldn’t have. You put your hands on my dick the night before; it makes sense we ended up here.”
“It wasn’t like that,” I hiss. He makes me sound like some anonymous woman asking for an hour’s worth of a good time. In hindsight, perhaps I am. This is the next step to getting what else I want, isn’t it? Julian isn’t a man who can stay monogamous, as he’s often said. He doesn’t want a relationship, but he is my friend, and I trust him.
I trusted him enough to ask.
“Yes, it was. It was exactly like that.” Julian licks his lips, and it’s not from nerves. “I’ll always do what you ask of me, Lily. Haven’t I so far?”
“Yes.”
“Then what’s different about this?”
“Nothing.” Everything.
“My answer was yes from the very moment you asked. It took a minute for me to catch up with you, but that isn’t a refusal.” Julian steps between my thighs. He bites the inside of his cheek, accentuating his square jaw. “I’m possessive of you. Our friendship is more than that to me, and I think you feel the same. It’s between us, and now we get each other, plus extra.” He winces and pulls back. “My point is, everything you ask of me, I find myself wanting it to.”
Worry springs up like it always does. Medication provides tools to handle it, but it doesn’t always go away. The more personal and fragile the issue, the more it takes center stage. “If you aren’t attracted to me or you change your mind, I’ll understand.” That’s not even about tonight; it’s all the things that could happen after. I know Julian’s preferences; a single woman, even me, isn’t one of them. I’ll mourn him when that time comes, like I’ve done before.
“Feel.” Julian places my hand over his pants, covering it with his own before I can draw away. “My dick got hard the second you walked through the door with me. Attraction won’t be a problem, believe me.” He presses against me, and my hips knock the table’s edge. I glance back at it, wondering. “Your first time won’t be with us both half-dressed on a table. It’ll be in there.” He points to another room. The open door reveals a dresser’s edge disappearing into shadows.
Hope grows in me, knocking back all my unspoken fears. I keep placing my trust in Julian, and he keeps showing himself worthy of it. “This is new to me, so you’ll need to tell me what to do. I have no experience with any of this.”
“Yeah, that turns me on,” he says, with not even a hint of embarrassment, before biting his lip. “The first thing you need to do is not flirt with other men in my presence. I don’t enjoy it.”
That’s another reference to his possessive nature. It’s strange because he doesn’t display that part of himself with any other part of his life. He doesn’t begrudge other racers their successes, Boone Rivers’ business, or anyone else’s relationships. It makes sense if genuine friendship is as rare for him as it is for me.
“Not in front of you,” I say. Julian blinks, and his face darkens. “Not while we’re experiencing…benefits.” That’s the word he used, correct?
“I’ll do the same for you.”
“What’s next?” Please kiss me. Please. Please. “I’m not ready to go home yet.”
“I’m not ready for you to leave.” He tilts my chin up with his thumb. “I get your first kiss; that’s what’s next.”
Julian’s body and the heavy wooden table are all that keep me from collapsing on the floor. I should say something, but I can only summon a desperate nod. My cheeks burn.
He leans in, and my breath hitches. Knowing what’s coming, I grab his shirt, foolishly believing I’ll fall over from the tension and pleasure of it all. His lips touch mine, and all my nerves and fear leave, so all that remains is Julian, the man I’ve secretly crushed on, kissing me. He wanted my first kiss, and he took it. My eyes close, the better to etch every moment into my memory, to remember the feel of his chest against mine, his hands gripping my waist. He licks my lower lip, and something low in my belly flutters.
“Lily.” Julian pulls away.
His lips remain against mine, so close our breath mingles. My lips brush against his when I speak. “What’s wrong?”
Why else would he stop?
“Open your eyes.” They flutter open and meet his. It’s only a moment, an opportunity to check for reassurance or permission or something else. “Your mouth, too. Let me in.”
Let him in where?
Julian’s tongue touches mine, and it’s a soft exploration. My body burns, desperate for more, more. I stroke up his chest to his shoulders in a desperate attempt to pull him closer, to pull him even further inside of me. He obliges, lifting me onto the table and forcing my legs apart.
The faint taste of beer lingers, and it combines with his body’s heat and strength. It’s heady, and all I want is to beg for more, to demand more of him. For once, I had enough courage for both of us to make this kiss happen. My perfect, perfect first kiss.
He reaches under my dress, ghosting along my thighs to the edge of my panties. I moan, and his mouth captures it. I want more, but there’s no way to ask because his lips are still on mine, and I don’t want it to stop.
Julian says my name again; it’s a question and a plea. I lift my hips, knowing what he wants, and my panties slide down my legs before he abandons them to the floor.
He pulls back. Our kiss ends, and I sob at the sudden loss of contact.
Julian’s eyes roam over my body. His cheek and neck have grown ruddy. His hair is a mess. I don’t recall playing with it.
“How was it?” I ask.
Julian drops soft kisses along my cheeks and down my neck. “I should ask that question.” He strokes along the dress’s bodice, considering whether to remove it, before pulling his hand away. “Since you asked, I’ll fall asleep tonight with a hand on my dick while imagining you without this dress on. Now, spread your legs for me.”
Shock hits, and I don’t move. “But I thought…”
“We aren’t, not tonight,” he says to my unasked question. “I still want more of you. Spread your legs.”
I do, feeling exposed all the while. Julian pulls the skirt until I sit exposed before him. He rubs one thigh, letting his hand fall between my legs.
Julian’s tongue falls out, teasing me with what he plans. “Lay down.” He pulls off his shirt and slides it under my head. “Is that better?” he asks and smiles at my nod. “Do you know what I’m going to do?”
“I have a good idea.” A small part of me wants to slap my knees shut. This is new, and anxiety is screaming again. I’m not sure what’s expected, and right now, it feels like he only wants to please me.
“You’re in control of this. If we go too far, or you want me to stop, we stop. Got it?”
“I understand. Don’t stop.”
He chuckles at my order before his expression softens. He leans over me and kisses the inside of my thigh, moving up and up and-
I shriek. My back arches as his licks continue. Kissing is wonderful, while this is a gift straight from the heavens. My hips jerk while Julian licks and sucks at my very center. A finger slowly enters and moves within me, keeping to the same rhythm as his tongue.
It doesn’t take long before I screech and shudder underneath him. Julian’s finger withdraws, and he kisses my thigh once more. His hot breath leaves a tingle down my skin. “Another one,” he says.
We repeat the same dance a second time and then a third.
I moan his name, although I could not say whether that was a request to continue or a plea to stop.
Finally, after he drags more from my body than I thought possible, I lay there, completely spent.
Julian pulls back and unzips his pants. His hand repeatedly jerks, and my spell breaks. I pull myself back up to watch. Our eyes meet, and he shudders.
His glazed eyes fall from mine to the table beneath me. Wordlessly, I hand over his shirt, and he wipes it clean.
“I’ve never done that before,” he says with a shaky voice. Julian places a hand on the table for support before quickly removing it.
“That was amazing.” My voice matches his, coming out in a wispy gasp.
Julian’s smile is both lazy and satisfied. He strokes my thigh one last time. “We’re going to enjoy each other. A lot.”
I jump down and wonder if he’ll take me home. Technically, my reason for being with him is over. It’s not that late yet, but Sarah’s words return. Julian’s house is a mystery to everyone except for me.
“I can take you home,” he starts and finger-combs his hair back into place. “I’d prefer you stay a little longer.”
There’s school in the morning. “I can stay longer.”
“Good. Hold on.” Julian disappears into his mysterious bedroom and returns with two shirts. He hands one over and says, “This will be more comfortable than that dress.”
Julian turns his back while I change, leaving the dress folded in the same spot I previously occupied. It belongs to Sara, and now I wonder if she’ll let me keep it.
“It feels mundane after what we did, but how about some popcorn and a video game?” he offers.
It sounds perfect. “You’ll lose, and no salt, please.”
“How can you eat popcorn without salt?”
“Easily.”
We end up sitting next to each other, my legs draped over his knees and a blanket covering us both.
“We need to find another game,” he says after I win another round.
“Why would we do that when I’m so brilliant at destroying you?”
He points at my face. “That right there. That’s why.”
“Are you this competitive on the track?”
Julian laughs at my question. “Put on a headset at the next race. You’ll hear me be competitive then.”
“In the meantime, prepare to lose again.”
I never put my panties back on.