Chapter 39
CHAPTER 39
Theo
E ver since Willow left, life seemed different.
Overall, nothing had changed. I still fished. I still read. I still sold goods at the farmers’ market. Everything was the same as before she came into my life, but at the same time, it wasn’t. What used to bring me peace, my solitude, now only brought me loneliness.
It had been such a long time since I’d been lonely.
Decades, even.
But now, the other side of my bed felt cold. My boat seemed empty. My heart? Well, fuck that organ. Its brokenness did the most damage to me.
I kept moving through each day as if I wasn’t bothered, though. The more time that passed, the more I began to forget she’d ever existed to me. I wanted to erase every single memory of her from my mind, too. Her smile. Her laugh. The way she walked on her tiptoes. The way she talked too much, but at the same time, I couldn’t get enough of her words. Her eyes. Her nose. Her spirit.
I wanted all traces of her to be diminished from my existence. I wanted her gone.
Until then, I tried my best to return to my routine.
“ Seven dollars ,” Julia Ripton remarked, holding her hands to her chest as if I’d told her that her dog had died in a tragic accident. “There’s no way you upped the cost since the last time I came!”
I blinked blankly at Julia. “I didn’t raise the prices.”
“No, you did. I swear I paid less just last month. I swear, you’re trying to rip off your customers, Theo Langford. This is highway robbery,” she expressed. The same way she’d expressed it every damn week when she showed up in line.
“Take it or leave it,” I muttered. I grew annoyed a lot easier than I had in the past. It felt as if the universe was out to piss me off.
As I stared at Julia yapping about bullshit I didn’t care about, I couldn’t help but wonder why in the hell I was thinking about Willow and how she would’ve handled Julia’s complaints.
Somehow, she would’ve made Julia laugh. Or somehow had Julia buy the whole table of sourdough.
Julia kept yapping, and my irritation kept building until I pushed over the display of sourdough. “Here!” I shouted, tossing my hands up in defeat. “Just take it for free, all right. I don’t give a shit.”
Julia placed her hand against her chest, flabbergasted by my outburst. “Theo Langford! That’s no way to act in public. Especially toward a woman. What would your grandfather think?”
Those words stung, but I tried my best to swallow them down.
He would’ve been disappointed, but what did that matter? He was no longer around to scold me. Instead, I was forced to walk through each day without his guiding light.
I was certain my outburst would get back to Grandma, though, so I had that to look forward to later on.
Busy, busy, I need to stay busy.
My mind was the loudest it had been in years. It was as if I couldn’t find peace no matter where I went. The memory of Willow haunted me, day in and day out. I’d see things that she’d like, and I’d want to tell her. I’d smell things that reminded me of her perfume. I’d touch things and want her input.
I missed her. I missed her so much, and I hated myself for doing so. I wished I knew how to turn it off. How to stop missing the person who’d walked away so easily.
I stood in my backyard, chopping wood. I wanted to get it all stacked up in my shed before winter came. I could feel the cold front pushing through the trees. I should’ve already packed up my boat and stored it, but I’d hoped for a few more days out on the water before I was forced to take a break from fishing until it was time to do so on the ice in January.
“You need some help with that? Or are you getting out some pent-up energy?” Grandma asked, walking over toward me.
I wiped my brown plaid shirt against my sweaty forehead as I turned to see her. She was wearing one of PaPa’s oversized jackets, and for some reason, that tugged at my beat-up heart. I turned back to the piece of wood sitting on the chopping block, wound up the axe, and split the wood in half. Afterward, I stuck the axe into the chopping block, then wiped my hands against my jeans.
“Just finishing up. What’s up?” I asked as I picked up the chopped pieces of wood. I tossed them into the shed before turning back to Grandma.
She pulled out a piece of paper and held it up. “Did Willow leave you a letter, too?”
I grumbled, lifted another piece of wood, removed the axe from the chopping block, then placed the wood down. “Yup,” I muttered before slicing the wood.
“Did you read it?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“Because it doesn’t matter what it says. She’s gone. She made that clear as fucking day. Don’t need a goodbye letter to cement the fact.”
“But she left the letters for a reason.”
“Yeah. To run away from any guilt she had about leaving. I’d rather not give her that comfort.”
I split another piece of wood.
“Now, Theo—”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I snapped, the rage of the whole situation building up in my system. I didn’t want to talk about Willow Kingsley ever again. I didn’t want to discuss my heartbreak or have someone tell me that Willow made a very hard choice. I didn’t want to be told that she did it from a place of love. That she left me because she figured it was what was best for me. That she abandoned me in order to protect me from her. Because it was bullshit. All of it was bullshit, and I didn’t want to understand Willow’s reasoning. I didn’t want to show her grace at that time. Because she broke my fucking heart !
So fuck her letters and her reasoning.
She walked away.
She left me alone.
Even after I begged her to stay.
I promised myself I’d never beg for someone to stay ever again. I’d never drop down to my knees and ask someone not to walk away from me. I promised I’d be stronger than I’d been in the past. But I wasn’t. I begged her. I pleaded. I became weak at her feet all because of love.
Fucking love and its fucking bullshit ways of breaking people’s fucking hearts.
I didn’t want to talk about Willow ever again.
If anything, I wanted to bleach away the thoughts of her that haunted my soul. I dreamed of her nightly, yet the dreams felt like nightmares because whenever I’d wake, she’d still be gone.
So fuck Willow Kingsley.
Fuck her for waking up my heart and then leaving it shattered in a million pieces.
Grandma unfolded her letter and began to read it. “‘Dear Molly.’”
“Don’t do this, Grandma,” I urged.
She kept reading. “‘I’m sad to say that my time in Westin Lake has come to an end, but I hope you know that our friendship is something that I hope will exist past the reality of space and time. You have shown me what real power and strength look like in a woman, and I hope to be exactly like you as I grow older. Thank you for welcoming me into your world and allowing me to get a small taste of heaven. For a little while in Westin Lake, I felt as if I were dancing in nothing other than sunbeams. I know that’s because of you and your family’s love. Call me when you need me, and I’ll be there. I love you, friend, and I’ll miss you. PS I love him. I know you didn’t ask, and I know it might not seem to matter now that I’m leaving, but I love your grandson more than I ever thought possible. Please take care of his heart. I know it’s probably hurting a little.’ Signed, Willow.”
She loved me.
Hmph.
What an odd way she had of showcasing that love.
I chopped another piece of wood. Tossed the pieces to the side and grabbed another. Before I could chop it, Grandma grabbed my arm. “Theo, didn’t you hear the letter?”
“Yup.”
“Well…what are you waiting for? She loves you!”
“Don’t care.”
Grandma looked perplexed by my response. “What do you mean you don’t care? You have to care.”
“Why? Why in the world would I have to care?” I asked as I placed the axe down. “Why would it be any of my business who Willow loves? Even if it’s me?”
“Because you love her, too.”
The look of heartbreak in my grandmother’s eyes when she said those words was almost enough to make me feel guilty. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t the one who walked away after all; Willow chose to leave. She could’ve stayed and let me love her forever. Because that was exactly what I was prepared to do. I would’ve loved that woman for-fucking-ever.
“None of that matters,” I told her. I turned to walk inside, and she followed me.
“Theodore Langford, you cannot honestly be ready to throw away what you and Willow had, can you?”
“It’s already in the trash.”
Grandma huffed and puffed, shaking her head in shock. “No. This isn’t how it was supposed to go,” she said, following me into the house. I went straight to the kitchen sink and began washing my hands.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“She’s your person.”
“I thought that, too, but it turned out we were both wrong.”
“But you looked at her the way he looked at me,” she said, her voice cracking into a piercingly sad note. “I noticed it right away when you two were together over the past few months. You looked at her like she was…everything.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “And she left me like I was nothing.”
“She has her reasons. I’m sure if you read her letter—”
“I don’t want to read it.” I was growing irritated that Grandma kept pushing the issue. “Let’s make peace with the fact that it didn’t work out for Willow and me. We aren’t you and PaPa. We don’t get the lifelong love story. We got a chapter, and that’s good enough for me.”
Grandma fiddled with her wedding ring, shaking her head back and forth. “Willow has been through a lot of hardships, Theo.”
“Yes,” I agreed, “she has.”
“And life isn’t easy. It’s complicated and hard and messy. Love is the same—complicated and hard and messy. But it’s also worth it. I know you’re moving through this as if it’s just another letdown. As if Willow is just like your mother and Thalia, but she’s not.”
“No, you’re right. She’s not like them.” She was more, which made it that much harder when she walked away. “But still, she left, and I have to respect that decision.”
“Do you, though? Do you respect it?”
No.
Not at all.
Not even a little.
“Do you want to go grab dinner?” I asked, changing the subject.
Grandma sighed and shook her head. “I’m getting a meal with a few ladies tonight.”
I walked over to her and kissed her forehead. “Then I’m going to shower and call it a night.”
She placed her hands against my cheeks and sighed. “I just want you to be happy, Theo.”
“I am happy,” I lied.
“You’re not,” she replied before she patted my cheek and said she loved me. As she turned to walk away, she paused in the kitchen archway. She didn’t turn back to me but said, “You know what’s wild? If PaPa and I gave up on each other early on whenever there was a trigger one of us experienced, we would’ve never made it to sixty years.” She turned to face me. “Is it possible that Willow just decided to end things and walk away? Sure. But is it more likely that she got scared of losing you based on all her past experiences? Is it more possible she retreated in a moment of fear? Is it more likely that she just…panicked? Love doesn’t mean sticking around just when things are easy, Theodore. Love means going through the storms and helping the one who’s drowning find their way back to the shore.”
She left without another word. Not that any more were needed after that.
A few days later, Jensen showed up with an envelope in his hands. He came straight through the front door, hopping up and down. “It’s here, Theo! It’s here!” he exclaimed as he approached me, and I sat on the couch.
“What’s here?”
“The DNA results.”
I arched an eyebrow. “I thought those were supposed to come to my house?”
“They did. I’ve been checking your mail for the past few weeks to see when they arrived.”
“Do you know that it’s a federal crime to go through a person’s mail?”
He waved me off. “Yada, yada, yada. Let’s open them!”
I chuckled and stood from the couch. I took the package from his hands and walked toward the back of the house. Jensen followed me like a puppy dog searching for a treat. We each took a seat in the rocking chairs, and I held the envelope tightly in my grip.
“Well, what are you waiting for? Open it!” Jensen said, shoving me in the arm lightly.
I shook my head. “We have to be prepared for whatever this says, Jensen. I know you are hopeful for a certain result, but I want you to know that if it doesn’t turn out the way you want, I’ll always be in your corner, no matter what.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, open the envelope!” he ordered.
I sighed as I opened it. A pit of nerves sat heavily in my stomach. There was a part of me that wanted a certain outcome. A huge part of me wanted to see it say that he was my son. Yet a bigger part would’ve been pissed off that he was my son and I’d missed out on years of being there for him the way he deserved.
Having Jensen as my son would’ve been one of the greatest gifts I’d ever received. He was a good kid. I’d be lucky to call him my own.
But that wasn’t how things seemed to be going for me as of late.
I stared down at the paper and felt as if someone stabbed me straight in my heart. “Sorry, kid,” I muttered. “Turns out we’re just cousins.”
The look of defeat in Jensen’s eyes was crushing.
He sat back in his chair. “I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“It would’ve been cool, though, huh? I think you would’ve made a good dad to me.”
“And you would’ve been a great son.”
He smiled a little and shrugged. The disappointment was still in his eyes. “I’ve kind of been playing a stupid scenario in my mind ever since we’d decided to take the test. Like what it would’ve been like to be Willow’s and your kid.”
I arched an eyebrow. “And Willow’s?”
“Yeah.”
I clasped my hands together. “Sorry, kid, but Willow went back to her hometown.”
“I heard that. When is she coming back?”
“I don’t think she is.”
“Oh.” He nodded. “So when are you going to see her? Are you moving?”
I narrowed my eyes and shook my head. “No. We aren’t together anymore.”
He gripped the edge of the rocking chair and leaned toward me. “What did you do?!”
I liked how his first reaction was that I’d somehow messed up. Not that Willow decided to walk away. “Nothing. She made a decision after some thought that we weren’t right for one another.”
“No, she didn’t.”
“Uh, yeah. She did.”
“Well, go tell her you don’t accept it or something. Go tell her how you feel.”
What the hell was going on? Was it “push Theo to go after Willow” week or something?
“Jensen, it’s a done deal. That’s life. Things come, and things go.”
“But Willow isn’t a thing. She’s your person. You can’t just let your person go.”
“She’s not mine.”
“Then what’s the point, huh?!” he shouted, tossing his hands up in the air. “What’s the point of anything?” he questioned, growing more and more emotional.
“Jensen—”
“You love her. And she loves you. How could anything else matter outside of that?”
“You’ll understand when you’re older how—”
“Oh, don’t give me that bull crap, Theo. I might be a teenager, but I’m not a stupid kid. And maybe I haven’t been in love before, but I know what it looks like, and I’d never seen you happier than you’ve ever been with Willow, even during losing PaPa. You were so sad before her. So what, you’re just going to go back to being sad again? Fishing alone? Sitting alone? Being alone?”
Well, yeah.
That was the plan.
His eyes flashed with tears, and I couldn’t comprehend why he was growing so emotional over the topic. It was my heart that was stomped out, not his. Yet based on his reaction, you’d think he was the one going through the motions of heartbreak.
“You thought you loved my mom, right?” he asked me.
I sighed. “Yeah.”
“Did it feel like what you have with Willow?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“How was it different with Willow? How did she make you feel?”
I took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Alive.” She made me feel alive in ways I hadn’t in a long time. I’d been sleepwalking through my life for years, and then Willow came and added color to my world. She woke me up, even if I was first annoyed with finding her wild self in the lake at two in the morning.
She shook me awake.
Jensen frowned. He fiddled with his hands. “Why did she leave?”
“She got scared for some reason. So she ran.”
“Yeah, well. She’s kind of the hummingbird to your oak tree.”
“What?”
“You know, hummingbirds,” he mentioned, gesturing over to the bird feeder he’d put out earlier this summer. It rested against a big oak tree, and the birds would come buzzing in and out nonstop. “Hummingbirds dart away at the first sign of any storm. They get scared.”
“Oh. Well, yes. She’s like a hummingbird.”
“And you’re the oak tree. You just gotta stand still and let her know that she can land on you. You gotta show her that she can trust that your branches are safe places to land so she feels safe enough to stay. That’s why the hummingbirds come back. They know they’ll be okay because the tree isn’t moving.”
“When did you get so smart?”
“About five months ago when I hit my growth spurt.”
I chuckled and rubbed his head with my fist before shoving him away playfully. “I’m actually pretty bummed you’re not my kid.”
“Yeah. You would’ve been an okay dad.” He rocked in his chair slightly. “I’m sorry my mom hurt you.”
“What do you mean? I never said she hurt me.”
“I know, but you aren’t the type of person who has to say things, Theo. Everything you feel kind of shows up in your eyes.” He paused his rocking. “What was different? Between how you loved my mom versus Willow?”
“I loved your mother for how she made me feel seen. I love Willow for who she is. My love for Willow has nothing to do with me. It’s everything she is, with or without me in the equation.”
Jensen smiled. “You said love. Not loved. You still love her, huh?”
“Unfortunately.”
“So…don’t be a little bitch. Go get your hummingbird.”
I didn’t reply, but I doubted Jensen expected me to say anything. He knew how hardheaded I could be about issues. Same with Grandma.
We rocked in the chairs for a while and watched as the sun began to set over the lakefront.
“Hey, Theo?”
“Yeah, kid?”
“Do you think it’s okay if sometimes I pretend you’re my dad when I’m having bad days?”
I patted his shoulder. “Always.”
I meant that, too.
Always.
After Jensen left, I went inside and stared at the letter Willow had left me. It sat unopened on my dining room table. It took me a solid thirty minutes before I built up enough courage to open it, and when I did, it instantly pissed me off.
“What the fuck is this?” I blurted out, rereading her words.
Leave it to Weeping Willow to somehow piss me off, even from a distance.