Chapter 50
CHAPTER 50
RYDER BY MADISON BEER
Brianne Archer:
This wasn’t my plan. None of this had been my plan. I didn’t plan on trying my hardest to move forward. I didn’t plan on feeling so much better about this entire fuck up of a situation. I didn't expect to come to terms with my feelings on everything. On my brother. On how he treats me, how this year has felt. How I haven’t dealt with anything in my life properly. I didn’t honestly think I’d find happiness at this school again, or at least not for a long time. I didn’t plan on crying my makeup off after my dance recital or locking myself in my bedroom when it finished either.
I especially didn’t expect to finally crack enough to feel like I have to talk to Bellamy, especially after things started to feel like they used to.
But I have to. I have to talk to him. I can’t sit with any of this anymore. I’ve spent months coming to terms with how I really feel. I’ve gaslit myself into thinking I was wrong or crazy and finally, I’ve realized and sat with this and it’s not fair to me. I don’t deserve this. To feel like this. Parker told me once that I talk a lot but never say what I mean and that’s what I felt like I’ve done all year. Not actually speaking my mind and my heart and asking for what I want. What I need from those around me. I walk down the stairs and I knock on my brother's bedroom door. Kamryn and Sienna are together tonight, meaning he’s alone. Meaning this is the perfect chance to talk to him. Even if it does ruin the progress we’ve made.
If I don’t do it now I won't do it at all.
Bellamy opens his bedroom door and furrows his brows. He’s wearing a hoodie and sweat shorts. He looks showered and comfy. I probably look like a complete and utter mess right now.
“What’s going on? Why are you crying?” He asks and I sigh then shake my head.
“Can I come in? Can we talk, please?” I ask, and without hesitation, my brother opens the door to me and allows me to walk in. He motions for his bed and I crawl onto it, criss crossing my legs. He joins me but sits with his back on his headboard and his knees bent. His elbows hang loosely around his legs.
“What’s going on?” he asks and I let out a shaky breath.
“I’ve been lying to you… again. And I know I said I wouldn’t do that but I did and I’m sorry. But I’ve lied to you since January and I’m sure you started to notice.” I tell him.
“About what?” he asks, his voice gentle.
“About being happy. Or being okay. Because I haven’t been happy. And I’m really not okay,” I admit out loud to him and he sits there, staring at me. There’s really no point in holding in my hurt or my tears because they’re going to come either way.
“And not only that but I’ve struggled the past few years. With mom and dad. With you being gone and at SPU. With you leaving again to go to New York. I’ve had a hard time for years and have been too scared to tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you or make you backtrack in your own healing and… And I’m sorry for lying but I can’t lie anymore. It’s too much,” I tell him.
“Why? I mean why did you lie? Did you think I couldn’t handle it?” he asks and I shrug.
“I don’t know. You just seemed so okay. So good with everything. So well managed and I’m a train wreck. It felt wrong to drag you into that,” I admit.
“You drag me into every single mess. That is what I’m meant for,” he tells me softly.
“I was so scared of losing you that I ruined our relationship. God I made my own brother hate me and for what?” I ask.
“Even when I want to hate you I love you. I will never not love you B. Even when you fuck up, because you will again and again. You’re all I have left… I’m never going to hate you,” he clarifies and I sigh.
“And I’d like to add that what happened this year… It’s not your fault. It’s mine more than anything. You didn’t fuck up. You lied to me and I… I’m sorry you felt like you had to,” he apologizes. I furrow my brows, thinking there’s no way. He couldn’t feel that way, especially when he doesn’t know how I really feel.
“What if I told you that I’m not over Parker… And that I can’t see him without feeling like my chest is cracking open. Because I love him and I want to tell him that and I can’t because I chose you. Because I can’t lose my brother so I lost him and it hurts. Losing Parker hurts,” I tell my brother, anxiety burning through my chest.
“I would tell you that if you love someone that much, you should tell them that. Because if someone had told me not to love Kamryn. If someone had asked me to not choose her I would have told them it was too damn late. I never asked you to choose B. I never would. Because I’m your brother, even when I’m not your first priority I know you’re still choosing me. But I also know you can’t help who you fall in love with,” he explains and I feel like I’m in a dream. I feel like I’m hearing things. Like there’s no way this could be real.
“You can choose to lie. To hide and do things behind my back… which you did. But you aren’t right now. You’re talking to me about it. And as weird as it is that you’re talking about my friend, it’s not weird because I know I can trust him,” he tells me and I shake my head.
“But a few months ago you said—”
“I wish I could completely erase what happened a few months ago. I regret a lot of what happened. How I reacted. I shouldn’t have gotten so mad. I shouldn’t have hit Parker. I talked to Parker. I talked to him and admitted that I think my hurt came from the fact that my best friend and my baby sister felt like they couldn’t trust me. You especially because you trust me with everything, B. I was selfishly hurt by your choices and that wasn’t my place. I forgave you for your lie long before this second. I’ve just been waiting for you to talk to me because you’ve shut me down every time I’ve tried,” he admits.
“I didn’t feel like I could trust you for that exact reason. You just did it again. You called me your baby sister. That’s what I am. Baby this, kid that. I understand I’m young. I know that I’ve got a lot of shit to learn and even more to go through, but diminishing me or any young girl to just that. Being young and a woman, saying it like it’s a bad thing… It’s not fair, and it’s so not you. I expect you to protect me, but to treat me like I’m not capable? To treat me like I can’t be my own person with my own style or make my own smart choices? It’s ridiculous. That’s why I didn’t tell you. It’s not an excuse. There’s never an excuse to lie to someone you love, but I did feel like I had no choice,” I tell him.
“You’re more than what I made you out to be and I know that. I never saw you as less than, or young and dumb. Maybe a little reckless but you’re supposed to be that way. I just never want you to make my mistakes, but I know now it’s not my place to stop you. I can try to guide you, and if you make that mistake anyway it’s my job to help you piece yourself back together. Even though I was the one who broke it, I’m still trying to piece it back together. Here and now.” He admits.
“This entire year I felt… No, I’ve realized… Since Mom and Dad passed away, I have always put your feelings over my own. That’s not your fault, it’s mine. But it’s made me into a very passive and submissive person when it comes to you. I let your feelings and your thought process be my guide which has led me to pretend I’m okay when I’m not. I always wanted you to see it. To realize it. You never did, but Parker saw right through it… I felt seen and understood and… And we tried to fight it. We never meant to fall for each other but it just happened,” I admit.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t do it directly but I’m sorry if I ever played into it. Your birthday. Vegas. Halloween. Anything. There were always moments when I questioned your integrity. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to make you feel like I didn’t trust you. I think the biggest takeaway from all of this is that we need to talk more… Be more open when we’re thinking or feeling something. Because I don’t want whatever this has been for the past few months B. I want my sister back," he admits and I wipe a tear away from my eye at the relief those words cause.
“I’m sorry I lied to you,” I admit.
“I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to,” he admits. “And I’m sorry I made you choose me, even if I didn’t ask. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. Especially with Parker. With what he’s been through I… I never would understand but I. I’m sorry, B.”
“So what does this mean?” I ask.
“It means that we really are done with secrets and lying from here on out. That even though in a few months I’ll be halfway across the country we’re not going to let that come between us. You’re my best fucking friend and I’m not going to let that go over anyone or anything. Guys, girls. Whoever. We’re the Bri and Bell that we always have been. The annoying talkative sister.” He chimes.
“The cocky, stupid older brother.” I fight back.
“And another thing… I don’t want you to think you’re alone in your feelings. With mom and dad, I mean. You mentioned it earlier and as much as I try my best, I have only coped with my feelings, but I haven’t moved on or worked past all of it. You started therapy again. It’s got me talking to Kamryn and thinking about it and I think I should have probably been going to a therapist for years. Healthy or not, coping doesn’t mean I’m actually understanding and working through what I’m feeling. When they passed away I… I felt like I had to be more. I had to do better and I feel exactly what you do. The fear I have of something happening to you B, it used to keep me up at night. I feel like that a lot. How my brain would rationalize protecting you was more me wanting to freeze the moment. Freeze you as my baby sister because I can keep you there, and little, and young and… And it wasn’t fair. So I want to talk to someone, to try and hopefully understand myself better, and not let the people I care about get caught up in my own mental health struggles. You’re not alone… And anytime you need to talk about it. Mom and Dad or anything else, I need you to call me.” He begs and I nod.
“Thank you… For taking on a role that you were never meant to take on. For being the best person for me for years. As for Mom and Dad, I can do that. I can call you,” I agree.
“As for Parker… I hope it means that you’ll call him. And talk to him… Fix what was hurt,” he tells me.
“Are you sure he won't be scared of you hitting him again?” I ask.
“I’m sure he was scared of that before I went to talk to him about a month ago,” he admits and my jaw drops.
“A month ago?” I ask.
“Yeah. I went to his apartment looking for you, but really looking to have a conversation with him. The way he defended you and talked about you. The way he knew what he was saying could have really pissed me off, but he said it anyway because he didn’t care about himself, he cared about you. I really got it then. What you mean to him. What hopefully he means to you. I can’t come between that. Especially after Mom and Dad passed. I’ll never be someone to get in the way of your happiness and stepping in front of Parker would do that.” He explains.
“I just didn’t expect you to be open to it and not angry,” I admit.
“I stopped being angry when I realized how shitty it was of me to be. I realized how badly it was affecting you pretty early on. I tried. I should have tried harder. I wanted you to come to terms with all of this on your own so I let you. I waited until you came to me because I was afraid if I pushed too hard you’d never talk again,” he admits.
“I don’t know if I’d be able to live without ever talking to you again. Especially without Mom and Dad here,” I admit, wiping under my eyes once again.
“We’re the only people that will ever truly understand how this feels when it comes to each other. I know that others have lost parents or didn’t have them… But not our parents. That’s only us. I miss them. Every single day… Your feelings don’t need to be pushed aside to spare mine. I’m a big boy. I’m grateful for you. That you did that, that you care about me so damn much B, but if you’re hurting yourself to help others… Especially others that love you, then it’s not helping them. It doesn’t help me if you’re hurting. Never,” he admits and a tear slips out of my eye once again.
“I missed you so much, Belly,” I tell him and he tugs me into him.
The misery and hurt from the past few months is thawed and melted. Both of our cold bodies are once again warm and I feel alive for the time being. My chest vibrates with a laugh despite the tears coming out of my eyes.
“I missed you… And I love you, B. Always I mean it,” he tells me.
“I love you,” I tell him.
The one person who’s been with me through it all. Even if he’s caused some of the hurt and pain. Even if he didn’t know how to handle it or what to say or do he always figured it out. We both did. My brother means more to me than words can explain. I don’t need anything from him. I don’t need his approval but I still want it. I still look for it. And having it means everything. We’re kids. Even when we’re grown, when we’re here like this, hugging and laughing and crying, we’re kids again. Both of us surviving through everything we’ve been left with. I convinced myself I needed to survive alone, but being here now. Being with him, I know I was so damn wrong. I never should have doubted the bond we have. The bond we’ve built since we were too young to even know what we would face.
“Do I get to be in you and Parker’s wedding though?” He cuts the silence with a joke and I laugh.
“I don’t know if he’ll even want to speak to me, Bellamy,” I laugh.
“I would bet my life and my spot on the Giants that he will,” he tells me and I laugh again.
“I’m scared,” I admit.
“For what?” Bellamy pulls back from our hug.
“Well, I’ve only dated him in secret. What if it’s all different now? What if we don’t work?” I ask.
“If we went through all of that for the two of you to not even like each other then I’m sure this must have been a social experiment. And just to reiterate what I already told him… Looking back on those months when I didn’t know I should have… I’ve never seen you that free. You were outspoken in a different way and you were happy and… and you were like you are right now but happier. You’re speaking your mind. You’re realizing what you want and deserve and asking for that and nothing less. I treated you in a way I shouldn’t have. I treated you like a kid and you were anything but. If what you were wasn’t in love, then I don’t know.” He shrugs and I nod.
“I do love him. I know that. I’m sure of that,” I tell him.
“And I should have listened the first time you told me that. You’ve never said that to me about anyone you’ve dated and been confident while you did. I know you love him. And I’m happy it’s him. I really am. I’ll have to get used to it. But it’s not about me. It’s your relationship, not mine. I did threaten him though,” he tells me.
“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you… Especially since he’s your friend,” I tell him.
“Get some sleep B. Rest and call him,” he tells me and I nod but I don’t get up before hugging him again.
“Never let me fight with you that long again. Even if I’m being stubborn and don’t come to you first, please,” I beg.
“I won’t. I love you, B,” he mumbles into my hair.
“I love you Belly. Thank you… For Parker… For giving me the chance to try this,” I tell him.
“It was never my place to take that chance from you… All I want is for you to be happy. Always, B,” he promises and I squeeze my brother tightly. Thankful to have him, even through the hard times.