The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

Chapter 32

THIRTY-TWO

I open my eyes and everything is white! It’s not an exaggeration to say that for a moment I panic that I’m dead.

‘Ellie,’ I croak out before I realise that the whiteness above me is a hospital ceiling, complete with fluorescent light and the odd greyish stain that has formed over time. I try to sit up but something pinches the soft part inside my elbow. I look down to find a drip running into my arm.

‘Ellie?’ I call out again. ‘Where’s my daughter? Hello? Hello?’

A young woman in the bed across the ward sits up and says, ‘Oh. You’re awake.’

‘Have you seen my daughter? She’s four. Blond curly hair and?—’

‘The nurse has her.’

Relief washes over me, and suddenly I am light-headed again. I throw the sheet back and swing my legs over the edge of the bed. I’m in a hospital gown that opens at the back to reveal my underwear. I reach behind me and grab it, then I clutch the drip stand in my other hand and start walking.

‘Are you sure you should be up?’ the woman in the bed across the ward asks.

‘I have to find my daughter.’

‘Really, you don’t look well. I’m sure if you just call the nurse…’

I ignore the concerned young woman and keep going.

‘Bea,’ Elaine says, coming into view on the corridor. She cups her face with her hands upon seeing me. ‘I was just coming to check on you.’

‘Where’s Ellie?’

Elaine lowers her hands and although her eyes are narrow and full of concern she is smiling. ‘She’s fine. She’s downstairs with órlaith.’

The relief is intense and it’s followed by my legs attempting to crumple from under me.

‘Okay, okay,’ Elaine says, hurrying to help me. She tucks her hip next to mine and drapes my arm round her shoulder. ‘Back to bed, young lady.’

Elaine tucks me into bed the way I’ve watched her settle in the elderly patients upstairs for years. I’m warm and cosy and tired. A type of tiredness that I’ve never felt before. It’s as if my bones are hollow and have no strength. My head is heavy against the soft, fluffed pillow and I am desperate for sleep. Maybe I could catch a few minutes if Ellie is content downstairs with órlaith. I forgot how good an actual bed feels. Not a friend’s two-seater couch where my legs don’t fit, or a storage room floor crammed between buckets and mops, but a real bed. With a spongy mattress, and soft blankets and feathery pillows. A place to stretch out flat and drift off. It’s glorious, really.

‘Ellie,’ I say, again, my eyes closing.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and a whisper of ‘Shh, rest now.’

I jolt upright, startled and once again forgetting where I am.

‘Ellie,’ I call out, my throat dry and raspy. ‘How long was I asleep?’ I’m not sure who I’m asking. The woman in the bed across from me maybe, but when my vision starts to focus I can see she is sleeping.

Elaine is back and she’s smiling still, but it’s tense and I can tell something I don’t want to hear is coming. I recognise her expression, a wiry smile and pinched brow. It’s usually followed by a request to clean up vomit or unblock a toilet.

But her tone is soft and caring as she walks towards my bed and says, ‘Ah, you’re awake.’

‘Ellie,’ I croak out.

‘Still fine. She’s just fine. órlaith had to go home, so she’s been hanging out with me upstairs.’

I’m not sure what time it is, but I know Elaine’s shift would have been over long ago.

‘Thank you,’ I try to say, but sound fails to come out as my emotions take over.

‘We’ve had a great time. She was telling me all about her fun day in crèche.’

I hold my breath, waiting for Elaine to go on. I can sense something huge coming and I am terrified Ellie told her we’ve been sleeping in the storage room. I think I’m going to be sick.

‘But I’m afraid I really do need to get home,’ Elaine goes on. ‘My cats have been in all day, and?—’

‘Yes. Yes of course,’ I say, feeling awful that I’ve held her up so long already. I sit up, ready to stand.

Elaine scoffs. ‘What are you doing?’

I stare at her blankly, not entirely sure what she’s asking when the answer is obvious.

‘You can’t go home, Bea,’ she says.

‘But Ellie,’ I say.

Elaine sighs and shakes her head. ‘We need to get to the bottom of what happened to you.’

‘I… I… I’m just tired.’

‘When was the last time you ate?’ she asks, becoming serious. ‘The doctors are worried your BMI isn’t where it should be, and I’ve never seen you in the canteen.’

I open my mouth but no sound comes out.

‘Are you eating properly, Bea? I know there’s all sorts of pressure on young women to be stick thin these days, but?—’

‘I’m just tired,’ I snap, firmly shutting this conversation down, and Elaine knows it.

‘Okay. But you need to stay. I tried calling the number we have for your boyfriend but I got a disconnect message, said the number wasn’t in use.’

‘He changed his phone,’ I blurt.

‘Ah. That makes sense. Well, if you give me his new number, I’ll call him.’

‘He’s flying.’

‘Oh.’ Her eyes narrow.

‘He’s a pilot.’

‘Yes. Yes, I heard.’

‘So he’s away a lot.’

Her eyes narrow even more until they appear barely open.

‘Is there someone else I can call for you, then?’

‘Yeah, of course,’ I say, trying to sound casual, but the tiredness and stress makes it come out squeaky and strained. ‘I’ll call my friend. Cora.’

Elaine nods. ‘Okay, great. I can stay for another hour or so, give your friend time to get here and take Ellie.’

I nod. My clothes are folded on the bedside chair and Elaine fetches my phone from the pocket of my jeans.

She extends her hand, but before she passes it over, she pauses and says, ‘You would tell me if there was anything wrong, Bea, wouldn’t you? I know we’re not exactly close, but if I can help in some way…’

‘Everything is fine. Like I said, I’m just?—’

‘Tired,’ Elaine finishes for me.

‘Yeah. Tired.’

Elaine smiles and says, ‘Okay, well, I’ll go get Ellie. She’s been asking to see you, and I’m sure you could both use a hug.’

The thought of Ellie’s chubby arms round my neck fills me with joy as I watch Elaine walk away. I call Cora’s number but it goes to voicemail. I try again and again.

‘Hi, this is Cora. I can’t answer right now, but if you leave a message, I’ll call back.’

‘Cora, it’s Bea…erm, I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch—’ My voice breaks and I take a deep breath before I go on. ‘But, eh, I’m in the hospital, like, I’m the patient, I mean. It’s nothing serious. I just fainted, I think. But, eh, I hate to ask, but, erm, do you think you could take Ellie tonight? I’m sorry, I just…’ I trail off, realising tears are trickling down my cheeks and I’m sure she can hear it in my voice. I take a deep breath and try again. ‘Anyway, so if you could give me a call back, that would be great. Thanks.’

I lower the phone as a squeal of ‘Mammy’ rings in the air and a head of golden curls bounces towards me.

‘Easy now, easy,’ Elaine calls after Ellie, who has no intention of taking it easy.

She clambers onto my bed with a degree of difficulty and I take her hand and pull her close. When both her knees are on the bed, she nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck and I take a deep breath, drinking her in.

‘Hey you,’ I say.

‘I gots a lollipop,’ she tells me. ‘And fizzy juice.’

‘I hope that’s okay,’ Elaine says, standing back.

I smile, grateful.

‘Did you get hold of your friend?’ Elaine asks.

I shake my head.

Elaine’s face falls. ‘Oh. Oh dear.’

‘She’s probably working. She’s a radiographer so the night shift, maybe?’

‘Here?’ Elaine points to the ground but I know she’s asking if Cora works at StHelen’s.

‘No.’ I sigh. ‘A private hospital, outside town.’

‘Oh. Oh dear,’ she says again.

‘It’s okay. I’m feeling much better anyway so?—’

‘Bea.’ Elaine shuts me down, sounding both irritated and frustrated. ‘You need to stay for observation, that’s just how it is. I can’t let you back to work like this. What if you pass out on the ward? You need to see the doctors in the morning and get the all-clear.’

‘But Ellie?—’

‘I’ll take her,’ Elaine says.

I choke on air. I couldn’t possibly take Elaine up on her offer to watch Ellie, for a variety of reasons. Ellie doesn’t know Elaine, and I’m sure spending the night in a stranger’s house would be distressing for her. But more so because, as soon as Ellie does get comfortable, Elaine will start asking questions, which will inevitably lead to Ellie spilling the beans.

My heart races.

‘Oh, Elaine, that’s so kind but?—’

‘No buts, Bea. You’re staying.’

Every inch of me wants to fight Elaine on this, but it’s not as if I can get up and go home. And even if I could, Elaine won’t let me back to work until I have the all-clear.

Defeated, I try one last approach.

‘Just let me make one more call?’ I say.

‘Sure.’

I press call with shaky fingers and hold the phone to my ear. The answer comes after a single ring.

‘Hello.’

‘Hi. It’s Bea. I need a favour.’

‘Oh.’

‘I’m at the hospital. They want me to stay the night. Could you take Ellie, please? I wouldn’t ask but it’s just?—’

‘I’m on the way.’

I lower the phone and Elaine looks at me with a gentle but measured expression that asks, well?

‘He’s coming,’ I say, holding Ellie tight and feeling beyond grateful for Shayne.