The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

Chapter 33

THIRTY-THREE

Ellie falls asleep in the crook of my arm while we wait for Shayne. It’s not a long wait, but it’s still enough time for my mind to race. I run over a potential conversation when he arrives. I should probably start with an apology. I’m sorry for calling out of the blue, I know you didn’t give me your number so I could turn you into my emergency contact . I cringe, just thinking about it. I owe you so much more than a coffee. I don’t have anyone else. I am almost thirty years old and the only constant in my life is my four-year-old.

I must drift off to sleep again, because my eyes shoot open to raised voices on the corridor.

‘I’ve been home for a few weeks,’ I recognise Shayne’s voice saying.

‘Does your father know you’re in the country?’ Elaine asks, and her tone is laced with hurt.

‘Yes. I’ve been to visit him.’

‘And that bitch?’

‘If you mean his wife, then yes, I’ve seen her too.’

‘Oh, I’m sure you have.’

‘Mam, stop.’

My intake of breath is so sharp it disturbs Ellie, who tosses and turns before snuggling back to sleep. I already knew Shayne was Elaine’s son. Somewhere in the back of my mind, when I suspected that Malcolm was her father, I did the family tree maths. But hearing him call her Mam still shocks me.

‘They’re in there,’ Elaine says, and I can only assume she is talking about Ellie and me.

I hold my breath as I hear the squeaky sound of footsteps approach on the highly polished hospital floor. Shayne peeks his head round the door slowly, as if he might be disturbing me.

I feel lighter and more awake as soon as I see him.

‘Oh, Bea.’

‘I’m okay.’

My throat is dry and my voice is scratchy and I don’t sound particularly okay at all, and the look on his face says he doesn’t believe me.

‘What happened?’

I blush. ‘Not sure.’

His face pinches. I am sure, of course. I know I had a panic attack. Or, at least that’s what Google says.

‘I’m so glad you called,’ he adds, and I know he means that. I am so glad I called too. Suddenly all the thoughts and worries that were in my head before he arrived fade away. I don’t feel the need to apologise or explain. I can say nothing at all and I know that’s okay. Trouble is, I wish I could tell him. I ache to tell Shayne every damn detail of the last couple of weeks. I so desperately want to tell someone how hard it’s been. I want to tell someone I’m scared and lonely and stressed on a level that I didn’t even know it was possible to be. I want to let it all spill out, because maybe just maybe then it will stop eating me up from the inside out. And the only person I could possibly imagine telling is Shayne. And that scares me.

‘What are they saying?’ Shayne asks, looking around the dimly lit ward, and I know he’s talking about the doctors.

‘Nothing, really. They just want me to stay for twenty-four hours for observation. I don’t think it’s necessary, really, but you know what Elaine is like?—’

I cut myself off quickly, remembering their relationship.

‘Oh, I know,’ he says dryly. ‘So, tell me, what kind of bedtime story do we need here?’

I stroke Ellie’s hair. ‘Princesses. She loves all the Disney princess, but I think we might have gone past story time.’

Shayne nods, and I can literally see him making a mental note.

‘I really do appreciate this,’ I say, suddenly serious. ‘I know taking my kid wasn’t what you signed up for when you gave me your number but…’

‘I’m happy to help.’

‘I know, I know, but?—’

‘It’s just a little babysitting. I’ve got this, I promise. I will Disney Princess the crap out of this.’

‘You’re already my knight in shining armour,’ I say, and then I cringe instantly once those horrendously corny words slip out. ‘That sounded much funnier in my head. I swear.’

Shayne snorts and laughs. ‘Oh God. That’s the best you can do? Blame the drugs.’

‘I don’t think they’ve given me anything,’ I confess.

He laughs harder. ‘Erm, maybe blame them anyway.’

He gets closer, squeezing himself between the edge of my bed and the plastic chair where my clothes are folded, and I only realise now that my bra is sitting on top of the pile like a lacy beige cupcake. My face glows with embarrassment.

Between telling him that he’s my medieval hero and inadvertently flashing my underwear, I wish a giant hole would open and suck my hospital bed into it. Maybe they did give me drugs after all.

He scoops Ellie into his arms and she purrs like a little kitten as she cuddles into him without fully waking.

‘Thank you,’ I whisper.

‘No, thank you.’

My eyes narrow.

‘For trusting me with her. I won’t let you down,’ he says, and my heart flutters and I have to bite my lip so I don’t say the shining knight thing again.

Elaine comes onto the ward. She’s changed out of her uniform into beige trousers and a cream linen blouse that compliments her silver bob. I had no idea she was quite so elegant outside of work.

‘It’s getting late. We need to think of the other patients,’ she says, and we all glance around the ward.

There are six beds. Three facing three. And only two are occupied. The woman in the bed opposite me has been sleeping soundly for the last hour or so.

‘If you have everything you need, Shayne, I’d appreciate if you were on your way.’

Elaine speaks to Shayne with the same tone and mannerism she uses when speaking to patients’ families. It’s professional and caring, but it’s certainly not how I would expect a mother to interact with her son.

‘Sure,’ Shayne says, and the atmosphere chills me to the bone.

‘Get some rest, Bea,’ Elaine says, turning to walk away.

‘You could come with us?’ Shayne calls after her.

She snaps back round as if he has said something dreadful. Her face is pinched and full of revulsion.

‘Will he be there?’ she grumbles, and she sounds so like Malcolm.

‘Yes. Obviously. It is Grandad’s house.’

Elaine rolls her eyes and it’s obvious she doesn’t appreciate his sarcasm.

‘He wants to see you,’ Shayne says. ‘He doesn’t have much time.’

My heart aches and I hope Elaine won’t waste what little time is left. But she straightens her back and says, ‘He knows where to find me.’

‘Mam, please?’ Shayne begs.

Elaine raises her hand, signalling the end of the conversation. ‘That child needs bed,’ she says.

Shayne rubs Ellie’s back, the way a loving father might, the way Declan used to, and it pains me to think that Ellie won’t have that in her life any more. With Declan gone, and Shayne going back to New York, and Malcolm…I can’t even bring myself to think about Malcolm leaving. But soon, Ellie won’t have any male role models in her life. And I will be lonelier than ever.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Bea,’ Shayne says.

He bends and kisses my head and immediately apologises. ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I did that.’

Elaine looks on, open-mouthed.

Familiar butterflies swirl in my stomach as I replay the feel of his lips on my skin.

‘I…I…’ A redness creeps across his nose and spreads into his cheeks. ‘I better get going.’ He rubs some more circles round Ellie’s back, protectively. ‘I’ll take good care of her.’

I smile. I know he will. I don’t tell him that in doing so he’s also taking good care of me. I don’t say it, because I think we both already know it. And the butterflies turn into full birds, flapping their wings furiously as my belly flips with feelings I’m not sure I’ve ever had before. Not even for Declan.