thirty-eight
We reach the outskirts of the suburbs leading to Queenscliff before darkness falls. The woods have begun to thin, the destruction becoming more prominent. The world out here is truly a different place.
In the city, it’s easy to pretend. To forget the reality of the new world. Out here, there’s no denying the damage that this war has done.
We perch ourselves in the trees again, wanting to avoid another run-in with Lilith’s creatures. Hoping to get some sort of sleep after days without rest.
At least I know that Jeremy’s alive. The fallen angel might have him, but he’s alive. For now. It will take roughly two days walking north-west to reach Queenscliff. It’s one of the only things the archangel and I have spoken about since we escaped the estate.
It’s been different between us. Quiet. No teasing, no joking around, no bickering, no fighting. Just quiet.
I stare at the sky through the leaves of the oak trees, looking up to the stars and hoping to see one shooting across it. I’m the first to break the silence, my mind wandering past the expanse of the stars, wondering if heaven sits beyond them.
“Where are you from?”
The archangel takes too long to reply, as if he was enjoying the peace.
“Aetheria.”
He pauses, shuffling on his branch. “The city of angels.”
“Is it… heaven?”
I watch him, the way he stares up at the sky and the pained look on his face.
“Human religions and mythology have bite-sized pieces of what is real. There is a heaven, an afterlife – we watch over it, but we mostly leave it be. Though I don’t know how humans coined the word heaven.”
He chuckles softly, and the sound almost relaxes me. “Avalon is peaceful. It’s pure. Human souls get to live their lives as they please. Whatever they can imagine for themselves.”
I smile, finding some comfort in knowing that there is something other than this. Something peaceful. Then I wonder if I’d qualify as a pure soul, or if my fate would be eternal torment. “And Aetheria – what is that like?”
“Aetheria is a city unlike any other. It is endless, the lands expanding as far as our power.”
His face strains for a moment, but he shakes it off when he looks over to me.
“What happened to you back at the estate?”
I remember the shadows that held him in place, the pain beneath his gaze. I wonder how it’s possible for someone like him to have been trapped like that.
The archangel shakes his head. It hangs low, almost in shame. “Lilith is more powerful than she has ever been. She didn’t even need to be there in order to wield the darkness. All she needed was her army to power her.”
“That’s how they captured you?”
He nods, his eyes hooded with anger. “Her shadows found me after I’d already been weakened by the poison in the food. It was no human concoction. It was made for me.”
Vince knew who we were from the moment we met. Each smile appears even more sinister now.
“So the devil can wield shadows.”
It’s more of a statement than a question, the thought sending a chill down my spine. That’s why her creatures lurk within them. They’re safe in the darkness she controls.
“She doesn’t just wield shadows. She commands them. She can mould them into objects. Her control of the darkness is endless.”
I hear the fear in his voice, the tortured leader who can’t save his people.
“Just as you can control the light?”
The archangel shakes his head, looking over at me with a pained expression. “Lilith’s power would defeat mine in any battle. I can wield light, I can control it, but my power has a filter. It’s being gifted to me, and that gift has its limits. Lilith takes from darkness. She does not ask permission. It’s how an angel falls – when they push the boundaries of what we are gifted and start taking more than they should.”
He opens his hand. Specks of light bubble on his fingertips before expanding. The light twists and turns magically in his palm until it forms a small rose.
“We can mould our light like clay, but it holds the same value as in any other form. Lilith… With her darkness, she can create anything from nothing. A dagger, a sword…”
The light in his hand transforms into the same objects as he speaks. “And it will cut you like it was carved from steel. That’s how Cain got his wings. They were once made up of feathers black as midnight. When he fell, she carved them into a nightmare.”
Terror trembles through me. She turned him into her perfect weapon. “Who is gifting you your power?”
He offers me a soft smile. “That is a story for another day.”
I don’t let myself feel disappointed that there’s a limit to our sharing. Instead I take advantage of the fact that he’s willing to tell me anything at all. “Okay then, tell me this: how did Lilith control them?”
The glassy look in their eyes, the way their voices would drop an octave when she was speaking for them…
The archangel considers the question, his eyes boring into the branch he sits upon. “We all have differing levels of compulsion. Lilith’s is strong; she whispers through the shadows and infects their minds like a disease. She speaks to the darkest parts of them, plays on their fears, their weaknesses, and turns them into an unbreakable bond.”
He pauses, shuffling against the trunk of the tree. “The temptation of sin can warp the mind unlike anything else. She shows them the good that can come from the bad. It’s like a feeling of ecstasy for them – that’s why they’re so loyal. It’s an addiction. Those who remain dedicated to the light have varying levels of power. We can offer suggestions, rewrite thoughts, but it’s not permanent. After time, the compulsion fades if it’s not maintained.”
The archangel’s facial features are slack. The toll the darkness took on him is all too obvious.
My heart quickens, each piece of information more debilitating than the last. If Lilith preys on people’s weaknesses, on their darkest selves… After what I saw at the estate, I’m not sure we stand a chance. Humanity is full of dark secrets.
“We don’t really know anything about your kind, do we?”
I say. Our biggest weakness is our lack of understanding about the other worlds. They know us, but we do not know them.
He offers me a half smile. “You fought like a warrior back there.”
He means to steer the conversation away from the seriousness it has taken on. But it leads me down a dark path. What kind of warrior kills out of spite? What kind of warrior leaves hundreds of her people behind?
“Warrior, no,”
I say at last, my voice flat and lifeless. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
The archangel watches me closely and waits for my explanation.
“It’s stupid, really. But when the war began, part of me was happy to see what humanity became. We banded together. We stopped fighting each other and became united. The horrible things that we tortured each other with before seemed so pointless now. I was a fool to think that we were any better than you.”
It stings to admit it, to say what has been haunting me since I saw Vince’s twisted torture chamber.
“He was human, archangel. They all were. Lilith’s influence or not, that is what human nature is. We turn on each other, we do horrid things to each other. All of it justifiable as doing whatever it takes to survive. Because, like you said, we are weak.”
No tears swell in my eyes; my voice remains even. I don’t feel like crying, I don’t feel like yelling, I feel nothing. I’m numb. “Worlds, I mean, even if humanity survives this war, what will we have become by then? What will we become after?”
I pause, my voice so quiet that I doubt he hears the last part. “What will I become?”
The archangel surveys me for a long time before he speaks softly and calmly. “War brings out the worst in everybody. We’ve all done horrible things to survive.”
I shake my head and look away. He may be able to justify his actions, their actions, that way, but I can’t. “Even if we do find Jeremy, he doesn’t know this version of me. I’m not who he fell in love with anymore. He doesn’t know the soldier who will kill without blinking. He knows the desk agent who dedicates herself to finding missing humans.”
The truth is that that’s what really scares me about this – that once he sees who I really am… “He might not even want me anymore.”
He scoffs a humourless laugh. “You are fighting your way through horrid evils to get to him. You’re doing whatever it takes to save this man. That kind of devotion is hard to come by.”
I only offer him a half smile, hoping to deter talk of my future. Dark thoughts cloud my mind, fighting their way to the surface. “I just left them.”
I take a deep breath. “I know there’s nothing I could have done. I know I couldn’t have saved them all. But I just… walked away. I didn’t even try.”
Faces flash through my mind, one by one. Each filled with fear, each pleading for their life. My teeth begin to chatter, a shiver rushing down my spine as the cold of the night seeps in.
Warmth spreads over my hand and I look down to find the archangel’s hand on top of mine. “They will be saved, Slayer. A perk of immortality – I have a constant mental line to the people with whom I’ve formed a bond. I have sent word to Afriel of the location and the situation.”
He taps his forehead, and all I can do is blink at him. “They will be saved. They will be taken to your agency.”
Relief is the first emotion to break free of the numbness that has settled over me, surprise the second. “You’re not at all what I expected.”
His hand still holds mine, and I wonder if I should shake it away. A part of me argues that the warmth from his touch is a good thing.
Presumably noticing my unease, he lets go. “Less of a monster?”
“More compassionate.”
The words tumble out, as if they’re trying to squash his. I thought he was a monster. I called him such. Though at some point, I stopped thinking it. At some point while tortured and chained, he thought to speak to his people in order to save mine.
I’m reminded of the odd feeling I had earlier, as if he had spoken to me but he was nowhere to be seen. It wasn’t as if I’d heard the words… It was as if I’d felt them. They felt like pride as he said, “That’s my girl.”
My eyes snap to him, my brows raising as it dawns on me. “Did you speak to my mind earlier?”
The corner of his mouth twitches ever so slightly, but he doesn’t look at me. “Is that you saying that you think we have bonded?”
My cheeks flush. I should have known he’d take this as an opportunity to taunt me. Perhaps my initial impression of him was correct after all. “A bond so strong that I constantly feel the urge to drive my blade into those annoyingly sparkly eyes of yours.”
His lips curve into a full smirk. “You think my eyes are sparkly?”
Someone put me in the ground, please.
I scoff, shaking my head and turning away from the look of amusement that paints his features. “I think they’re stabbable.”
The archangel goes quiet for so long that I sneak a look over at him to check if he’s fallen asleep. His eyes haven’t left me, the smirk still firm on his lips.
My eyes roll as he shuts his, his head resting against the trunk of the tree. “Tell me about your partner,”
he says. “How did you meet?”
The question surprises me. I think back to the day that I met Jeremy, such a blur now after years together. “Uh, at a press conference of all places. He came into my life at a time where I needed someone and he just… swept me off my feet.”
He stills, his breathing shallow. “Hmm.”
The sound is so animalistic it’s almost a growl.
My head snaps towards him. “What?”
The archangel’s eyes open, but he doesn’t look at me. “You don’t seem like the kind of woman who would want to be swept off her feet.”
That wasn’t the answer I was expecting. “I don’t know if I should be offended by that.”
In a swift movement, the archangel swings one leg over the branch, turning to face me. He leans in close. “You want to know what I think?”
I imitate his movement, swinging my leg over and facing him too. “Does it matter if I say yes or no?”
His eyes dance before dropping to my lips for just a moment. “I think that you want someone who challenges you. You want something that you have to fight for, someone who’s going to keep you on your toes. You want someone who would crawl from the grave back to you.”
My heart skips a beat before beginning to race. “What makes you say that?”
His smile grows feral, his hands gripping the branch between his legs. “Because you’re a warrior, and I know the desires of warrior women.”
The words are a whisper, low and deep, vibrating through me.
My eyes catch on his for longer than they should, my heart never slowing.
I shake it off, throwing my leg back over the branch and shuffling my back against the trunk again. “And what about the great archangel? Is there a poor soul that is stuck with you for eternity?”
His laugh is closer to a grunt as he readjusts his posture. The archangel returns to deep thought, his eyes focusing on anything but me. The silence continues for so long I assume the conversation is over. But just as my eyes flutter closed —
“Before they died, the archangels Raphael and Athena bore a child. The child shone brighter than the sun, the firstborn of two archangels. She was chosen by the fates to be my Aeterna.”
His voice is laced with contempt, perhaps even hatred.
Even though he looks as if he expects me to ask for clarification, he doesn’t continue until I do. “Aeterna?”
He draws a deep breath, his next words coming out as a hiss between his teeth. “The closest human translation would be soulmate, but it’s far from romantic. It means the fates have chosen another for you, your eternal half. It’s not based around love or affection; it’s decided for you based on power and status. The best partnership for political gain. Not everyone is given an Aeterna, but those who are are expected to respect the fates’ wishes and follow that path.”
I hesitate. The look in his eyes makes me wary of his current mood. “Where is she, then? Your living quarters were awfully quiet.”
The archangel’s eyes are cold, his mouth pulled tight in a thin line. “I do not believe in it. The concept of having another chosen for you.”
I can’t help the surprise that takes over. “Aren’t angels all about traditions and beliefs?”
He frowns, his eyes scanning mine for something. They rise to my hair, drop to my lips, study the freckles on my cheeks, then he shakes his head.
“I’ve had everything dictated to me from the moment I was born.”
He looks away now, focusing on something in the distance. “I was training to become an archangel before I even had wings. My father would send me off to train all night and all day. Decades would go by before I’d see him again. I’ve never gotten to choose a single thing in my life. I’d like to think that the one thing I could have control over is who I’m to spend eternity with.”
His eyes flick back towards me, his brow furrowing deeper. “So I’ve never sought her out, never wanted to. I’ve tried to keep my distance. In truth, I’ve always detested her for what she means for me, for my future. I suppose I want to keep my freedom for as long as I can.” He takes a deep breath. “All I’ve ever wanted was to make a choice for myself. Her existence takes that choice away.”
Every time I think I understand him, every moment that I think I see him, really, truly see him, he surprises me again.
“I don’t believe in soulmates either.”
It’s nothing more than a whisper. A quiet confession that I’ve never felt I could say to anyone. Not when my partner is planning our future, not when he believes so deeply that we were meant for each other.
The archangel’s eyes snap to mine, his lips opening ever so slightly. Then they close and he looks away again. “Does your consort know that?”
“Of course.”
It’s a lie. And from the brow that raises ever so slightly, he knows it.
But he doesn’t press; he leaves it be. “Thank you.”
His words are soft. “You could’ve left me back there, but you chose to stay.”
I find myself feeling warm under his gaze. The blue in his eyes blends with the silver as he stares at me with a look I can’t quite decipher. I wipe my hands on my pants, my cheeks suddenly flushed. “Yes, well, I figure that’s one less favour for you to hold against me.”
His chuckle is quiet, but the sound is melodic. “Oh, I’m sure I’ll be forced to save your sad little human life again in no time at all to make up for it.”
He winks at me.
I can’t help the small smile that plays on my lips, nor can I help the fluttering that stirs in my stomach. He really isn’t what I expected. The archangel is fierce, he is strong, he is brutal, he is power itself. Yet he is also kind, compassionate, patient – worlds, sometimes he’s even funny.
I was close to breaking only a few hours ago, and if it weren’t for him… Who knows if I’d have been able to pick myself back up again. Guilt, pain, heartache, anger – they threatened to drown me, my mind becoming a dark and devious place. But the archangel stood by me.
“Earlier, in the lake… you took some of my pain, didn’t you?”
He only nods.
The flutter in my stomach quickens. “You and I keep finding reasons to thank each other, after wanting to tear each other’s throats out only days ago.”
“Who says that’s changed?”
His tone is playful, but his features are schooled into their usual cool indifference
“Oh, it definitely hasn’t.”
I draw my blade from my belt and flip it over my wrist. “Don’t worry, archangel. I’m looking forward to stabbing you again once this is all over.”
The corners of his mouth tug upwards, the blue in his eyes burning brightly. I’ve come to enjoy watching his control fade and the act fall. Making him smile is almost like a game that I desperately need to win.
“I’m looking forward to your punishment for doing so.”
I trace the curved edge of my sickle blade. “Enmity put on hold.”
He nods, still smirking as he looks down at his hands in his lap. “Temporary truce.”
“And when it’s over…”
I trail off, unsure of how to finish the sentence. When it’s over, will he try to kill me? And I him?
He still doesn’t look at me. His smile falls and his eyes stare off into a place far away. “Back to strangers at opposite ends of the war.”