The Un-Apparent Heir: A Royal Family Saga Romance (Spare Change Book 4)

15. Losing My Mind

“Baby’s coming. There is nothing to be done.”

The words would never leave Lucy’s mind. She couldn’t forget the pain and would never be the same. Lucy felt like she was losing her mind daily.

Iona Ferguson was born in the early morning hours in October about two years after Niall’s birth. Lucy and Winston were initially excited to welcome their third child. The plan was for four, but Lucy was finished with babies. Iona was born sunny-side up, facing backwards. She was Lucy’s longest labour, ironically, due to her size.

They knew Iona would be big. She was the only Ferguson child to go well past her due date. However, Lucy’s midwife refused to discuss an induction. And with no private hospital in Edinburgh, she had no choice but to follow orders. Deep down, she knew her baby would be massive. She had a gut feeling it would go wrong. No one listened. Lucy was losing her mind before they even made it to the hospital.

This labour was different. Something felt off from the beginning. The contractions were intense. With back-to-back painful, torturous moments for hours, Lucy flagged. Her epidural—the only one she’d ever been offered—failed miserably. She had no pain control. Eighteen hours into a terrible time, she begged for a C-section. And yet, no one showed compassion.

Baby Iona was finally brought into the world, but Lucy was too tired and too broken to show much excitement. Winston was over the moon to hold their first daughter. Lucy should have been equally happy. Instead, she was too gutted. She had a third-degree tear and needed surgical intervention. Then, came an infection. She spent a week in hospital, worried she may never want sex again.

Winston was supportive but didn’t get it. No one did. By the time Iona was three months old, Lucy was told it was fine for her to have sex again. She was told her pain was “psychosomatic” and she should get on with it. A midwife said she should try “maintenance sex” even if she wasn’t in the mood. She warned Lucy that breastfeeding—something she’d only managed to do with Iona—would kill her libido and this was her only choice to please her husband.

Winston became impatient. He never said anything but was frustrated. So, Lucy put Iona to bed one night and resolved to get it over with.

“Let’s have sex,” Lucy said.

Winston looked up from the book he read.

“What?”

“Let’s do it. You want to do it, so let’s do it.”

Lucy climbed into bed. She was on a fake-it-till-you-make-it mission. Winston perked up at first, then looked upset.

“Luce, you’re not in the mood. I can tell.”

“I will get in the mood. It’s what my midwife recommends. I must give it a shot. I know you are desperate and I feel dreadful.”

“Lucy, that’s not it. Don’t mind me. If you’re not in the mood, it will be bad.”

“I am okay. We will… it will be better. Alright?”

Winston agreed, kissing her. It made Lucy feel everything she needed suddenly. She wanted to be desired. She wanted to be wanted. She believed he couldn’t live without her and had to have her. She felt like a woman, not just a mother caring for three young children as her primary job. She needed this.

Lucy and Winston kissed for a good long while and she relaxed into it. She always trusted Winston. That was what he was good for. If she said stop, he would. She never doubted it. He ran his hand down her body, playing with her nipples first. It felt good. She kissed him harder.

He gravitated south, signalling he”d go down on her. Lucy pulled away.

“I don’t want you to go down on me. I’m not… I’m not ready for that,” Lucy said.

Given Lucy’s hang-ups and concerns about oral, she wasn’t comfortable with Winston observing what she still worried was a massively broken pussy. It had always been a complicated matter for Lucy but now more so.

“Okay. I want to.”

“I don’t.”

Winston nodded. “Okay. Another time?”

Lucy nodded. He wanted to get her off most of all. In years together, Winston had always delighted in Lucy’s enthusiastic climaxes. And, when he went down on her, he was guaranteed a rousing orgasm. Still, Lucy didn’t want this—not now. She thought it was best they got on with it before she got too self-conscious and lost her nerve.

Winston persisted, playing with her clit. He marvelled as she gasped and moaned happily. It was a long time coming. She felt ready and didn’t want to lose all hope. She was wet enough. He’d be fine to slide on in, right?

“I want you to fuck me,” Lucy said.

“I want to get you off, Luce.”

“Tony, please. I want you. I need you,” Lucy pleaded, thinking this was what she needed and wanted.

He obliged her, gently. Yet, it wasn’t what Lucy expected. It felt off, like all things in her life. Winston tried his best, but between dull pain and a general feeling of not being herself, Lucy was out of it. She attempted to pretend she was enjoying herself, but she wasn’t. She kept hoping it would come together, but it never did.

“Shit, shit,” Winston said.

He came. Well, that was over. He pushed himself back and shook his head.

“I’m sorry. It’s been so long. I… I am sorry, Lucy.”

“It’s okay,” Lucy fought bitter tears.

She wasn’t upset with him, she was upset with her body and its inability to deliver on the basics.

“Lucy, fuck! Are you about to start crying?”

With that, of course, Lucy did cry. No one asking that question would stop someone from crying. His tone was sharp, not soft or loving. She felt judged. She felt derision. She felt resentment. She didn’t feel love. He wasn’t caring for her.

“Lucy, I did what you told me to. You have something going on. You act like I abused you!”

“I never said that, Tony. I wanted it to go well. I needed you to love me. To show me that you want and care for me. I need your love, not this. Whatever this is, it’s not helping.”

“Well, you trapped me!”

“Trapped you? I offered you sex—which you have been desperate for all this time. And I wanted to feel what I used to. I didn’t. My body is?—”

“Your body, your body. All you do is blame the birth. It has been months, Lucy! We’ve never waited so long!”

“Winston, please do not be angry with me. Stop it! My body was destroyed. I thought it would be different. It wasn’t. It just didn’t feel right. Just be patient with me. Be gentle.”

“I thought I was. I was quite gentle. Now, here you are accusing me?—”

Winston left the bed, pulling on his pants in a way that made Lucy feel an inch tall. She was frightened. She cowered. Who was this man? And why was he so angry with her? He stopped talking and shook his head, not finishing his sentence.

“I never accused you of anything. I didn’t say you were rough with me. I meant being gentle with me emotionally. Where is that patience you always had? It’s gone. I miss it. That’s all.”

“I have been more than patient, Lucy. I have been patient for months.”

“Months—not even half a year. I delivered your ten-pound baby without pain relief. She tore me in two. I haven’t been the same since. I am losing my mind here—far from any friends or family. You leave me to go down to the barn or the sanctuary for hours at a time while I manage all three of them. I am exhausted. I feel like you don’t even like me these days, Winston.”

“It’s hard to watch you just… ignore me—not even ask me how I am, Lucy. I confide in other people. And, while I have had chances to do things I shouldn’t, I resisted them. Because, yes, I do love you. Not that you even care at this point.”

“Winston, that isn’t fair. What do you mean?”

“I could have run off and had an affair. I won’t. I know better. I’d not do that to you. You don’t deserve that, even if you’re not interested in me.”

“Winston, I love you very much. I have always wanted to be with you. What do you mean… an affair? What did you do?”

“I did nothing. I turned her down. Something no-strings-attached. It could have been fun or solved one problem but would have created a dozen others. I will stay true to my word, but you must do more, Lucy.”

“More? Winston, I am fucking miserable here! I am losing my mind! Do not dangle an affair in front of me! Who the hell is she?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me.” Lucy shook.

Winston’s admission was a slap in the face. Lucy was vulnerable and disenchanted with this that she felt dirty and used. It hurt to hear him say that he could have done so to “solve a problem” as if their sex life was just a problem to solve.

“It was Rose,” Winston said of his partner in the sanctuary.

“My closest friend here? I don’t believe you!”

“It has caused some sort of riff, so it’s real.”

“We just spoke yesterday. How could she?!”

“She knew how we both felt and thought she could help. She has an agreement with the hubby. Hall passes. I don’t know.”

“Do not ask me for that, Winston! You would break my heart?—”

His voice was quiet. “I know. It would break my heart, too. Because it has always been you. Even when I tried for years to distract myself from loving you, I never could. However, when you pull away and ice me out, I wonder if maybe this is over.”

“Winston, please, do not say that?—”

“I dunno. I need more than you give me—across the board. I don’t know what happened to you.”

Lucy sobbed. “Trauma and no one is fucking listening. Don’t leave me, Tony! I need you. I need my children. I built this life for you. I am not giving up. I need to find happiness again. Somehow. I swear. Give me time.”

“I am sort of out of time. I thought Iona would cheer you up but maybe we’re past that. I want to love you. I want to be happy again, Lucy, but I need more.”

“Tony, staying here is killing me!”

“And I don’t have a choice about that, Lucy. You’re my wife. I need you here.”

“Winston, I need help. And now I cannot even trust my one friend here. I miss everything in London. Can we not?—”

“The boys are in school. We cannot leave,” Winston insisted. “The conversation is done. We did this for the boys.”

“I am… I’m going to sleep in the guest room,” Lucy said.

“No, don’t bother. I don’t want the guilt.”

Winston left, slamming the door. Lucy”s heart broke and everything they built was destroyed. And nothing she could do would fix it. She had tried. She had done everything to fix herself. Maybe she wasn’t enough after all? Maybe he was right. Maybe she never would be?

Natalie opened her eyes,disconnecting her O2 mask. She felt disoriented and nauseous. The worst thing she could do so was vomit into her mask. Her flight suit would take the hit. She was too out of it to be embarrassed. The sound of radio chatter hit her. First, she wasn’t sure where she was apart from in the backseat of an F-35 training jet. Her trainee, a bright young pilot was on the mic.

“You alright, Wales?” She asked. “I think I lost you.”

“Apologies,” Natalie replied. “You lost me. I also must admit I blew chunks without bagging up. So, it’s probably best we make it back. I’m sorry, Singh.”

“Alright. It happens, right? I mean, if it happens to you?—”

“Rarely. What were we up to?”

“Inverted. I banked hard, flipped, did a barrel roll, and banked hard again. Your directions.”

“We’re on the loop right?”

“You okay?”

“Not really, no. If you lose me again... can you radio in to descend?”

“Can do, ma’am.”

She did as she was told, likely disappointed by her luck. They were on the end of the Mach Loop, not far from home. Natalie never passed out like this in years and years of flying. She was a legend. She’d been so proud of her record. Of course, it was a good lesson for the trainee. Anyone can lose it, but in a combat situation, it could be the difference between life and death.

“How many Gs did we pull?”

“Six? Seven?”

“Embarrassing,” Natalie sighed.

Something was wrong. Natalie couldn’t put her finger on it but felt off for a couple of days. When they landed, she took her lumps on the ground and proceeded to the infirmary for a check-up. She immediately changed out of her soiled flight suit. It was a grave embarrassment. There, a friend found her.

“Songbird, don’t give me grief,” Natalie groaned.

Marian Lewis was one of the best female pilots—even pilots—Natalie had the pleasure to fly with and learn from. She was one of the Americans who returned to train the joint set of squadrons working at Valley. Natalie helped bring her back. They flew missions together at Valley and in battle. Natalie had also been lucky to travel to the States with her and go to test pilot school—something Marian recommended. They were sisters in a way. Marian was slightly older, but they were close enough in age to spend the last years of Marian’s twenties and Natalie’s mid-twenties doing stupid things. Marian was the best type of person—someone who would pack up her family to move abroad and leave a very lucrative position at Lockheed to follow her calling.

“You didn’t bag up?”

“Fucking hell. I feel like a cadet,” Natalie said. “I lost it—just passed out. Hard. I came to and Singh was flying like a pro. I didn’t need to tell her anything. She maintained altitude and kept flying until I pulled myself together. We were only pulling six or seven Gs and even in my old age, I can manage that.”

“Hmm…”

“I’m headed to the infirmary.”

“I must go out again until five.”

“You got the night shift. Lucky bitch,” Natalie sighed.

“Says the woman who should be home and in bed.”

Natalie rolled her eyes.

“I’m coming with you.”

Two other officers entered the locker room, staring at Natalie with confusion. She rarely got a strange look here. She was high-ranking and a fixture. The air station and mess had provided her cover for years. It was like a sanctuary for a future monarch who refused to stand out in a place where standing out was prohibited. It was an escape.

“Colonel Lewis, Wing Commander Wales,” the older of the two said.

“You alright?” The other asked Natalie with compassion.

“She’ll mend,” Marian said. “Go on. Nothing to see here. Don’t need to be gapers.”

They filed to their lockers as Natalie and Marian left for the infirmary. The physician on duty expected Natalie. By now, the entire station knew of the Princess Who Blew Chunks. It spread like wildfire, leaving Natalie mortified.

“So, am I sick?” Natalie asked after a thorough exam.

“Will she live?” Marian joked.

“She will live. There is nothing wrong with you. It happens to anyone, Wales. You know that.”

“It doesn’t happen to me. In decades of flight and two decades of service, this has never happened to me,” Natalie protested. “Not like this. I mean, it has happened with the centrifuge. But I haven’t gotten G-LOC like this. It’s not something I do. A major cock up. And I won’t be cleared to fly until you find something wrong, and we remedy it.”

“She is an anomaly. In years of flight, she’s never done this,” Marian vouched. “It is not like her, doc.”

He furrowed his brow. “Do you mind if I ask you some personal questions, ma’am?”

Marian looked at Natalie for clarification.

“Sure. Marian and I have shared a lot. It’s fine.”

“Change in medications? Psychiatric medications of any sort?”

“I must report those to command. No. Absolutely no change.”

“Any over-the-counter meds?”

“Nope.”

“Date of last menstrual period?”

Natalie stared, deer-in-headlights. “Uh… umm…”

She couldn’t come up with a date. She was so busy lately between her two jobs that she hadn’t kept tabs. What she did know was that it wasn’t recent.

“Fuck. I don’t remember. But at my age… I’m thirty-six… it cannot be pregnancy. My husband and I cannot have children. It’s an impossibility.”

“Early menopause is very unlikely unless your mother started it early.”

“My mother had a child at nearly forty, so no,” Natalie said. “Another impossibility.”

“Only one way to be sure!” Marian smiled. “Run a test.”

“It would be the easiest way to know,” the doctor shrugged.

Natalie walled herself off in the loo. She wee’d in a cup and handed it to a tech who would run her sample, same as anyone’s. It was bizarre. She was certain this was all madness. All the while, she spent the time trying to remember when she’d had her last period. She wished she could call her private secretary and ask, but she wasn’t likeLucy. And ever since Lucy left her service, so had that familiarity and absolute trust. There was no need to raise eyebrows over potentially nothing.

The physician returned.

“Colonel, if you could leave us a moment, please,” he said.

Something was the matter.

“I’ll wait out there for you. Call me when you need me, Nat.”

Natalie nodded. “Thanks, mate.”

Marian left. The door closed and the doctor said, “Impossibility or no, your HCG is positive. You are pregnant. I will need to report this. Because you will not be cleared for flight.”

“Fuck,” Natalie said.

First, she was angry at being benched. Then, she was confused. Joy was not the word. Natalie spent the last three years thinking she would never produce children. She swam upstream trying to live happily without the possibility. Everything changed. In a snap, she had hope. But with hope came fear of loss. With fear of loss came an unwillingness to see the world differently. They were so happy. Would Ed be relieved? Would he be as frightened as Natalie? She couldn’t be sure. She had to tell him.

“I will make an appointment with the midwife,” Natalie said. “And I will let my CO know. You’re sure I’m pregnant?”

He nodded. “Cheers! You’re going to be a mum.”

Natalie said nothing. She wasn’t sure a congratulation was in order.