The Unexpected First (The Unexpected Series Book 2)

Chapter Thirty-Six

Idon’t know why I’m not saying anything. It’s not like I’ve never met the woman before. She was there for Hadley after everything happened with Andy. She joined us at the house when we went to help Hadley take that step in moving on. So why am I sitting here, staring past her through the open window?

“I’d say you are uncharacteristically quiet, but I get it.” Amy’s voice is soft and soothing. Not the feisty woman Hadley described to us when she talks about her sessions.

I still don’t speak. I can’t find the words. I may have agreed to this, but where do I even start?

“Have you spoken to anyone about what happened, apart from Bennett?” The question is only one of a million I’ve been dreading.

I shake my head.

“How have you been coping since the assault happened?” Her eyes narrow at me, not accepting my lack of communication.

I don’t say anything for awhile, hoping she’ll move onto something else, but she’s persistent in how she watches me with that narrowed gaze. She won’t let me out of this conversation. It’s why I’m here after all. It’s why Hadley and Benny pushed for me to make the call. To begin the journey of processing my trauma and healing.

“I haven’t,” I huff out a laugh. “I don’t even know how to. The only person I want near me is Grey and I’m terrified to allow him to touch me because of how he might react when he finds out what they did.” I trail off. Thoughts of Grey flash through my mind, breaking my heart all over again.

“You don’t have to tell anyone everything right away. But,” she pauses briefly. “Shutting people out will only hinder your healing process.”

“How can I stop him from looking at me like a victim? Or like I’m trash?” I say my worst fears aloud, choking on the sobs that force their way out.

“You can’t control anyone’s reactions but your own.” Her words are direct and to the point. “You can only control how you react to someone else”s reaction.”

I don’t say anything for a moment in an attempt to process my thoughts and choose my words.

“I didn’t recognize her at first. I recognized the eyes but her hair was different and her skin tone was off.” I whisper.

I take a deep breath still staring past Amy, unable to look her in the eyes, to see the way she’ll judge me. To see how everyone will eventually judge me when they find out.

“I didn’t realize who she was until after the first time she…” My voice cracks, incapable of going on. I look down at my hands laying in my lap. Hot tears stream down my face as I relive the nightmares that plague me. “I feel guilty.”

“Why do you feel guilty?” Amy’s voice is a calming force, coaxing me to continue.

“Because she made me orgasm. So many times.” I clutch my chest as the pain in my heart intensifies at the admission. “I didn’t want to. I threw up every time, I’ve never felt so disgusting.” The tears are coming more freely now, rolling down my cheeks before dripping off my jaw.

Amy leans forward, handing me a tissue.

“Why do you feel that it’s your fault that you climaxed?” Her question seems clinical.

What the fuck kind of question is that.

“Because my body responded to her,” I pause, staring at Amy like she’s lost her mind.

“Your body”s reaction to the stimulation was natural. Orgasms are generally involuntary. It’s incredibly rare that someone can command their body to climax.” She watches me, waiting for it to sink in. “You did nothing wrong. If anything, your body”s reaction may have saved you.”

“It may have saved me?” I ask dumbfounded.

“Sometimes in situations like you experienced, the assailant can become more violent if they don’t get what they want in the moment.” She keeps her tone calm even though I can see the pain in her eyes, knowing what could have been.

My first session with Amy has been on my mind all day. I didn’t acknowledge where I was or what I was doing when I got home and saw Grey. I couldn’t. I’m not ready to go into detail with him yet.

Today may have held some breakthroughs that I wasn’t prepared for, but it doesn’t mean my body will allow me to move on.

I lay in bed, my eyes glued to the ceiling. Grey is breathing steadily next to my bed as he sleeps on the floor. Ellie’s laying on my chest purring like a motorboat, content as can be while I run my fingers through her long fur.

“I miss him,” I whisper to her.

She mewls at me, pressing her head into my hand as I continue petting her.

“I miss how we were, how I was.” My eyes begin to well with tears again. I roll onto my side, facing Grey. Ellie crawls to the opposite side, letting out an exasperated sigh as she lets her annoyance with my movement be known.

I look over the side of the bed, watching Grey like the creeper I have become. I close my eyes, willing myself to find the courage. With a deep breath I slowly drop my arm over the edge, letting it hang there like a limp extension of myself for a few moments until I summon up the determination to raise my hand mere inches from his face and softly graze his cheek with the back of my hand. His warmth sends an electric jolt through me.

Fuck, I miss him so much. I close my eyes, my arm still hanging off the side of the bed. Memories of the past few weeks and months before I was taken play through my mind. The love this man has for me is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Why am I so afraid? I open my eyes again and feeling braver yet, I run my fingers through his hair. I love his hair. It’s the perfect extension of him.

With a heavy heart, I close my eyes. Even with the thoughts of the day’s events racing through my mind and the realizations that I came to during my session, I find it difficult to sleep without him. Eventually, my body wins, and I fall into a deep slumber.