17. Emily
I felt myself flush from the bottom of my feet all the way to my scalp. In any other situation, I’d wonder if the person across from me was being a creep, but there was something so earnest about the way Caleb was talking to me. We hadn’t exactly gotten off on the right foot, but I certainly appreciated his candor now.
Besides, if I was being honest, everything he was saying lined up with what was going on with me. The fever. The irritation with my friends. The way I’d kissed Caleb out of nowhere, and the way I’d practically climbed on top of Gavin.
In fact, I’d plopped myself into Gavin’s lap like I knew what I was doing, which was pretty mortifying after ending up on the floor after kicking my boyfriend.
God, my poor boyfriend. He didn’t deserve to be saddled with a shapeshifting monster. Even if what he’d said as he left wasn’t exactly the kindest thing…
“Oh?” Caleb watched me intently with that deep stare of his. Sometimes I swore there were entire galaxies within those depths, but I was too scared to delve into them. “That’s a loaded sound for being a single syllable.”
“I, uh, I may have acted unusually with my boyfriend the other night. It was very unlike me, to put it mildly.”
“Sounds about right, but I’m sure your boyfriend enjoyed it. I’ve heard of young partners going through their first shifts together with a trusted guardian watching the house or den they shacked up in.”
His tone was pleasant, but I noticed his scent had taken on a somewhat bitter scent, like burnt sugar. Was that just in my head, or more to do with my approaching shift?
This was such an insane thing to think about. A very sharp voice within didn’t want to believe that could be possible, but at the same time, what other explanation could there be for everything that had happened in the past couple days?
Still, the idea that there was a ravenous, powerful monster inside me was rather unnerving. Was I going to need to shave again after transforming? Would I have a sudden craving for all meat? Would I see a cute bunny hopping across the quad and give chase before I realized what I was doing? So many questions, though Caleb was doing a great job of pleasantly answering every single one I’d asked so far. I was sure we could sit at that same table for several hours, and I’d continue to keep a list in my head.
I took a deep breath. “It wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience for either of us,” I admitted.
I didn’t miss the way Caleb’s thick, dark eyebrows went all the way up to his hairline. For what it was worth, he tried to put his expression back into place, but the damage was already done. I knew my reluctance to have sex wasn’t unusual for someone my age, but what could I say? I just wasn’t ready for it. It wasn’t exactly a comforting thought that this mystical, magical, painful shift could possibly make the choice for me.
“Oh, uh, I see.” He cleared his throat, and the sight of him flustered would’ve been funny if I weren’t feeling so guilty. “I’m sorry?”
I had every right to see my only connection to the world I was about to be plunged into, yet I was still meeting up with the man I’d kissed, the man who was decidedly not my boyfriend. In any other situation, it would’ve been such a clear case of sneaking around that everyone and their mother would condemn me as the cheater, but what was I supposed to do? According to Caleb, it was natural for me to be attracted to other shifters, and to experience heightened libido. That was a prime recipe for getting sideswiped by actions I’d never done before.
Ugh, this was so messy.
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” I said.
At that, he gave me a look I knew was meant to mirror one of mine earlier, and I started laughing. Not a full bellow, but a few light chuckles.
“Okay,” I said. “I can think of a few things you can apologize for, but the awkwardness between my partner and me right now isn’t one of them.”
There it was again, that awful, bitter smell. What was that? It was beginning to make me a bit sick to my stomach.
“On that same note, I do think I owe you an apology for kissing you without permission,” I said. “If someone tried to do that to me, I’d slug them.”
“Eh, I wouldn’t have been in that position if I hadn’t tackled you. I’m sorry for how physical I got. I was acting out of desperation because I was worried that you’d be stuck alone when you shifted, and that’s the absolute last thing I want for you.”
“Yeah, you were pretty hands-on, weren’t you?” This time, we both laughed. “But that kiss… I, uh, like I said, I have a boyfriend. It was just me reacting to your pheromones, right? Since I’m so keyed up?”
“Yeah, likely it was just that,” Caleb said. “It also wasn’t like you stuck around. If you’re feeling guilty, don’t. This is a really difficult time, when essentially two minds of completely different origins are fighting to both assert themselves and also become one. There are going to be mistakes and glitches. A little smooch is hardly anything to be worried about.”
I sighed in sheer relief. I wasn’t fully absolved of my rash actions, but it was nice to know it was a hormone storm that’d caused them, not a new character flaw I’d always have to watch out for.
“I promise to be more careful in the future and put space between us if your new wolf takes over again,” Caleb said. “Don’t worry, I don’t take any of this personally.”
I felt more relaxed, but also a little bit of… disappointment? That made zero sense, and I didn’t even want to think about it.
“How long does this aberrant behavior last?” I asked. What a fancy way of asking how long I would be a flighty, confused, possibly violent horndog, but hey, I had labs and semi-finals to worry about.
“Again, different for everyone. Tends to last longer with testosterone as opposed to estrogen, and it could be anywhere from a couple of weeks to a month. But,” he said as he held up a finger, “that doesn’t mean you’ll have mastery of your wolf within a month. It usually takes about a year to not be compelled to shift by the moon and have total self-control.”
“A year? ” Just like that, I felt so daunted. I was a med student! I didn’t have time to worry about randomly exploding into a hungry ball of fur and teeth for a full week out of the year.
What the fuck? It was one thing to find out I was a werewolf, but I hadn’t known it was likely to have such an effect on my GPA. I’d worked hard to make the dean’s list every semester!
“It’ll go by surprisingly fast,” Caleb said. “Trust me.”
“I guess…” I looked down at the jumble of notes I’d written on my phone. Was I even going to be able to decipher them later? Yet, I felt like every word was burned into my brain.
Gently, slowly, Caleb reached over and rested his hand on top of mine. Though I hadn’t expected the touch, it wasn’t entirely unwelcome, and a wave of soothing warmth went through me. A slow fade of ripples across a formerly turbulent lake spread through my mind. Not a bad experience at all.
“I know this is a lot to think about right now, but I promise, it will go fast. You’ll have an entire new world to explore. You’ll still be you, Emily, but you’ll be something else as well. Something more. ”
That was hard to envision. Even with all the changes I’d gone through, I’d always stayed Emily.
Then again, sometimes I wondered if I even knew who that was.
“Think of it almost like shedding an old skin that was too small for you,” Caleb continued. “You’ll be more in touch with your body and all the sensations the human brain filters out for efficiency. You’ll be more aware of your instincts and urges, and your senses will be enhanced. Most of the time, it’s a good thing—hell, even an incredible thing. Experiences that might’ve been banal before are completely new and revitalized. Something as simple as eating your first ice cream cone after shifting can be revelatory.”
I listened intently, completely caught up in Caleb’s words. It was funny, he didn’t talk like I’d expect a biker to talk. Was that my own prejudice? Or were shifter werewolves simply different? But I didn’t dare interrupt Caleb, though, not when everything he was saying felt so important.
“That sounds pretty cool,” I remarked.
“Oh, it is,” Caleb agreed. “It really is. But I have to be honest with you, there are downsides, too, which is why you need a guardian. Those instincts and sensations can be so strong that they override your common sense, your decency. If you’re not vigilant, you can do a lot of things that you don’t want to do.”
“Like hurt my family?”
“Yes. That typically only happens if a first shift is unsupervised, but there is a risk as long as you don’t have a proper handle on your wolf. I promise you, though, I will help you along and make sure you don’t so much as harm a single hair on their heads. Whoever’s important to you is also important to me. Your parents, your friends, your—” There was an almost imperceptible wince before he let out the final word, “—boyfriend.”
“Thank you,” I said. “That means the world. But I have to know, when I’m still learning to control my wolf, will I still be me?”
There was that same question again, echoing around my mind. Will I still be Emily?
I didn’t know why I was so afraid of losing myself. It wasn’t like I had that great of a grasp of who I was, but the fear lingered, simmering below the surface. Not within reach, but far away enough that I could shove it into some back corner of my mind.
“You’ll still be you, but it might not always feel like it, especially when so many things will feel so different. Food, love, exercise, sex, the whole gamut, really. But it’s nothing to worry about. It’s all a natural part of what it means to be a shifter."
Easy for him to say—he’d probably had sex before his first shift. Meanwhile, I was still a virgin, and while I’d never been worried about that before, I was faced with the very possible reality that I’d lose out on an entire experience.
Sex as a human.
Was it really all that important? I wasn’t willing to admit to Caleb that I hadn’t had sex yet. I was incredibly private about my personal life, even if he was my guardian. I felt drawn to him, I felt calmer around him, but at the end of the day, he was still a stranger. I didn’t exactly go around broadcasting my virginal status to people I didn’t know.
Or even to people I did know. Because all of my friends knew I suddenly got sick whenever they managed to bring it up or tried to convince me to sleep with Gavin.
I’d do it on my own time.
Except maybe doing it in my own time wasn’t an option anymore. I was apparently on the wolf’s schedule now.
I realized Caleb was staring at me, and I desperately tried to produce another question. I knew I still had dozens, maybe even hundreds, but my brain was locked into a tizzy about everything he’d already revealed. I was overloaded and overstimulated, but I just couldn’t stop. There was so much I needed to know.
“Is there any way to tell how much time I have left?” I finally asked. “Before the shift, that is.”
“I wish it were as easy as having some clock that could give a definitive time, but no. It’s a lot of guesswork based on symptoms. You already have the fever, you have the behavior caused by less inhibition. What about irritation? Have you been snapping at people yet? Finding yourself getting angry for no reason?”
I frowned as I thought. “I don’t think so. I mean, I’ve become less tolerant of some of my friend’s bad habits, but I don’t think I’ve gone off the handle at any of them.”
“Okay. If that happens, you’ll know you’re close. I will say that those with more estrogen in their system tend to lash out socially, whereas those with more testosterone lash out physically. Granted, everyone’s different, so again, another flexible rule. But it’s a good thing to keep in mind.”
Great. More social turbulence, exactly what I needed. Sometimes I felt like an alien within my own friend group, my welcome hanging by a thread. I didn’t really need anything else threatening it, but it wasn’t like I could somehow avoid this. A wolf was going to come out of me whether I liked it or not. The most I could do was listen to Caleb and mitigate any damage my wolf could cause.
“Is there anything else that’s vital for me to know?” I asked.
“Hmmm, I guess I would say that you should think of you and your wolf as the same person, even if it may not feel like it at first. If you suppress that side of you, there will be consequences.”
“Consequences?” I echoed. “Like what?”
“Imagine champagne being shaken up within a bottle. Even if you never release the cork, if you keep building up the pressure, it’s gonna find a way to blow, one way or another.”
“Fuck,” I said. “Noted, then. So I need to make sure I don’t suppress her too much?”
“Exactly. It’s all about finding balance. Just shift fairly regularly and keep your wolf content. You know, let it stretch its legs.”
“Her.”
“Pardon?”
“My wolf. She’s a her, not an it.”
I shouldn’t have been so proud of the wide smile that spread across Caleb’s handsome face. “Good to know,” he said. “All right, then. Just make sure to let her stretch her legs, and you’ll be fine. I promise I’ll be there for whatever you need. You’re my pack, Emily, and I take my guardianship very seriously.”
I nodded, taking several deep breaths as I processed everything. Caleb, to his credit, let me take as much time as I needed.
“Any more questions?” he asked once my heartbeat was much steadier, and I realized he could hear it beating in my chest. Wild.
“So funny you asked.”
That was when I launched into the questions I’d actually prepared. We’d gotten so stuck on alphas, guardians, and my first shift that I hadn’t even touched on anything my internet surfing had gotten me. I went through each werewolf myth I’d come across, no matter how ridiculous the questions sounded.
Caleb was incredibly patient. He chuckled from time to time, but he didn’t ever make me feel stupid for having to ask, which made me feel a lot better about our future together. I was still apprehensive, as we hadn’t exactly gotten off to the best start, but he urged me to keep going whenever I faltered and didn’t act strange when I sounded like an interrogator in my litany of queries. He was a gentleman in every sense of the word.
That’s what made me bold enough to ask my next question. “So, you mentioned that those with more testosterone tend to struggle with physical aggression during their early days of shifting. Is that when you ran into issues with the law?” I tried to say it as smoothly as possible.
“Emily, are you subtly asking if my wolf is why I’m what the system would consider a criminal?”
I almost chickened out, but I just nodded. “You could say that.”
“First things first. I want to promise you that I’m not a threat, and you’re correct in your guess that wolf shifters tend to get caught up in the red tape of human law. I’ve got spots on my record, I won’t pretend otherwise, but I don’t think this is the right time to focus on that. I’ll be happy to tell you everything and anything you might wanna know once we get your first shift handled.”
It wasn’t the most upfront or concise answer, but I could see the reasoning behind it. I’d already absorbed so much information, and it was best not to let it get cluttered with other stuff. I’d correctly theorized that shifters might have issues with police and municipal law.
“Now, you’ve been asking a lot of questions, and I bet you’re pretty thirsty. Why don’t I grab the both of us a drink?”
Actually, since he mentioned it, my mouth was pretty dry. “I wouldn’t say no to a sparkling water or a sugar-free tea. Or I guess water if they don’t have anything like that.”
“Alright. I’ll be right back. Let’s not pull another Pennington’s, shall we?”
I flushed at that. “To be fair, you were being a real creep.”
“I was, wasn’t I? I was trying to be subtle about things, but I bungled it.”
“You did. But hey, we got there in the end. I know I’m a shifter now, and we can start making plans for how to deal with—” I made a vague motion with my hand. “Everything.”
“Indeed, we can. I’ll be right back.”
True to my word, I didn’t run away this time. In fact, I was quite comfortable rooted in my seat, reading over all of my notes again. A nervous tic, sure, but I had plenty to be nervous about.
The strangest thing was that suddenly, this all felt a lot more normal than it had when I’d first walked into the mall. Certain parts of it just made sense. It was crazy talk, but apparently, that was my life now.
“We gotta go.”
I turned in my seat, disappointed to see that Caleb’s hands were empty. I really was thirsty. “What’s wrong?”
“Shifters,” he said flatly, tilting slightly to indicate the opposite direction. I followed the motion and saw a group of rather burly-looking men on the other side of the food court. Were they close enough to smell me?
“Okay,” I said, deciding to trust this mysterious man against all common sense. “Let’s go.”