The Wolf’s Whisper: The Complete Series

19. Emily

I sat.

I sat and pondered, turning thoughts over this way and that.

For some reason, I’d expected the conversation with Caleb to be much more of a struggle, to just go in circles while I tried to get information and he sabotaged my efforts. But no, he’d seemed downright happy to answer any questions.

More concerningly, I still felt like I was riding the high of his approval, a happy, fizzy feeling bubbling throughout my body. I told myself it was the result of interacting with another wolf for the first time, and his alpha designation affecting me.

It wasn’t all shits and giggles, though, because every time I felt a little too pleased, I’d go back to that one question shining in my head like a haunting lighthouse on a dangerous shoreline.

Which was just exactly how everything would be different.

I knew I’d asked Caleb to clarify twice, and he’d made it as clear as he could that I’d still be me, but there was still so much anxiety twisting around my stomach about it.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be something that’d help society. First, I thought that was an astronaut, enraptured by the idea of traversing amongst the stars and figuring out a way to colonize other planets. Then it was a doctor, and that was the path that led me all the way into my college career.

There were also the other things I’d wanted: a loving partner and all the eventual intimacy that came with that, having all of our firsts together before we moved on to building our own family and community.

None of these plans had involved turning into a giant beast with fangs and claws, or possibly attacking the ones I cared for.

He was right. Truly everything was changing, and I was powerless to stop it.

What was the strategy? When something couldn’t be avoided, it needed to be adapted to, so I needed to adapt. But how?

That was a little too much to ask of my brain, given that I’d gone to my morning class, done my laps, gone to my afternoon class, then taken a trip to the mall to have a life-changing discussion with my guardian.

Oh, yes. I had a literal fucking guardian now. That was wild, but like a lot of stuff, it made sense in a weird way.

I picked up my phone like it’d have my answers when, in reality, it hadn’t really helped me so far. Almost every single question I’d asked Caleb turned out to be some fiction. Sometimes it was just as important to know what wasn’t real as much as it was to know what was , but my brain was pretty fried on researching at this point.

So, perhaps unsurprisingly, I ended up on social media.

I didn’t mean to, and it wasn’t like I was addicted to it, but like a habit that I wasn’t cognizant of, I ended up scrolling through feeds.

It was easy. It was safe. At least I thought it was, until I came across a picture on Lisbeta’s feed of her at some concert or other kissing a guy while he hugged her from behind. His arms were strong, with biceps clearly visible in the low light, and he had a fairly handsome face. I couldn’t really distinguish him from any of the other men and girls she was smooching or flirting with in her photos. I couldn’t even remember if the event was recent because I rarely went out.

“Depressing,” I murmured to myself, going to her profile and beginning to scroll through her photos, which was never a good thing. I did it, anyway, doomscrolling away like it’d somehow help.

I knew I didn’t have a single picture like that on my own social media. Not because I was somehow better than Lisbeta, but I was simply different . I always was. When I was out at an event, I never had the urge to take a photo of myself, and I really didn’t like a ton of PDA in public. It made me feel like too many people were staring at me, judging me, and that I was risking them thinking I wanted that kind of attention from them —which I never did.

I’d always thought that Gavin and I just weren’t that couple, so it wasn’t a big deal, but then I remembered how happily he’d gripped my hips just the other night and how angry he’d been when he stormed out.

I’m not gonna wait for you forever, you know. There’s only so much you can expect from a man.

He’d said that we’d talk, but when I’d texted him good morning on my way to class, my messages had gone unanswered.

Feelings of failure and inadequacy swamped me as I continued to scroll. God, Lisbeta was so beautiful, so charming and engaging. Why couldn’t I be like that? Looking at her photos was just making me feel even less like I belonged.

For my entire life, I’d always felt a little bit to the left of everything I was supposed to be. First, it was because I was adopted, then being plus-sized, then getting diagnosed with anxiety, and going through the recovery for my eating disorder. But what if it was from not being human all along? So much time wasted making myself fit into a box that was never meant for me.

Yet, part of me still desperately wanted to fit into that box. I wanted to be a good friend. I wanted to be a good girlfriend to Gavin. I wanted to be a good daughter, the best student, and an exceptional doctor.

But was that possible when everything was going to be so different?

It was such a loaded word, and while I tried to play it off, part of me was a little upset that Caleb didn’t understand how much it was bothering me, which I also recognized was completely unreasonable. But hey, he said that I was gonna be testy in the next few days, so why not throw irrationality on top of it?

For some reason, my mind went back to a book I’d read in my mother’s office when I was just fourteen. For some reason, it made an impression on me, even though it was yet another generic self-help book: Fifty Things to Do Before You’re Fifty! I remembered sitting there on the floor, poring over it, putting together a bucket list for what my adult life would be. Now I was barely even an adult, and I was wondering how much of that list I daydreamed about was completely out the window for someone like me.

“Ha, forget fifty,” I chuckled to myself. “What about fifty things to do before I want to tear people’s throats out on the regular?”

That just didn’t have the same ring to it.

But even as I joked to myself, I felt this strange, mysterious, and even painful shift hanging over my head like a guillotine. Dramatic, true, but that was how it honestly felt. There was always going to be a life before and a life after, and everything after wouldn’t be the same.

I found myself feeling like I’d never lived, which was silly, considering there were many who never got to do half the things I did. I’d lived a fairly blessed life—privileged, some might say—and I was grateful for it. But for the first time in my life, it wasn’t enough. There was so much I wanted to do.

So an idea popped into my head.

I exited out of the app, then pulled up my contacts. I hardly had to look for my thumb to automatically scroll to Gavin’s, but I stared at the text message I sent that morning. Maybe I’d screwed things up too much, pissed him off and left him feeling so tricked, there was no going back.

Or not.

With plenty of hope and anxiety building in my chest, I dialed Gavin’s number.

It rang once.

Twice.

Three times.

“Dammit!” I cursed to myself. I should have known. Gavin had the patience of a saint, and I’d…

“Hello, Emily.”

At the very tail end of the third ring, he’d answered, and I let out a heady breath in relief.

“Gavin! It’s so good to hear your voice!” He sounded cautious, but still happy to hear from me, and I was grateful for that.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I just…” I swallowed hard, trying to order my thoughts. Not exactly an easy thing to do, considering all the facts and revelations stuffed into my head in a single day. “Are you free this Friday? I, um, I uh…” Dammit, girl! Stop stuttering! “I’d like us to spend some time together.” Too vague. Come on, you’re an adult, say what you mean! “Just the two of us.”

There, I did it, and the world didn’t explode. Nor did a neon sign appear above my head screaming CHEATER in blinking lights.

“I have plans.”

His tone had gone from reproachful to outright cold. I supposed I deserved that. I had riled him up just to literally kick him in the shin, which was a pretty shitty thing to do, considering how considerate and respectful he’d been about all my hang-ups.

“Ah, I understand,” I said. “Is there another day you’re free?”

“I dunno, Emily. I’m exhausted, and my schedule is pretty busy.”

Oh, boy. I’d really messed up.

“That’s fair,” I said. “It’s crazy right now. I was just… I was hoping we could maybe go to a nice dinner together, maybe get a bottle of wine and... and…”

“ What , Emily?”

I just needed to rip the band-aid off. “Get a hotel room for the night? Something nice, with a hot tub?”

There, it was out in the open. How much more obvious could I be? I was extending an olive branch, and I desperately wanted my boyfriend to take it.

When I thought about it, though, it sounded like I wanted to have sex with Gavin just to appease him, and that was never what I was about. It’d feel like prostituting myself, and while I had nothing against sex workers, that particular job wasn’t for me. I had too many insecurities around being vulnerable enough to be intimate.

The reason I wanted to have sex with Gavin was because of what Caleb had said. If everything was going to be different , then I was close to losing the opportunity to ever have sex as a human, as Emily the med student. While I could come to terms with everything shifting—pun not intended—after I’d fully integrated with my wolf, I didn’t want to live the rest of my life regretting that I’d missed out.

One of the things Caleb had stressed was that shifters who didn’t engage in territory wars tended to live an incredibly long time. Over a hundred years was considered average, and two hundred was considered elderly. I didn’t want to be on my deathbed after two centuries, wondering why I’d let fear dictate so much of my young life.

“What, really?” I didn’t miss how surprised Gavin sounded.

“Yes, really,” I said with all the firmness I could muster. “I would really, really like that. I’m absolutely certain.”

It wasn’t possible for me to hear him grin over the phone, but I was sure I did. “You know, I’m sure I can move some things around. Maybe we could go to Bella Donna’s and then the Preston at the upper court?”

“I’d love that,” I said, pleased as punch that my plan was working out. Thank God. It was like the universe affirming that I just needed to be brave.

“Perfect! I’ll see if I can get a reservation.”

“Thank you, Gavin. It really means the world to me.”

“Of course, babe. Anything for you.”

“Who ya talking to?” a female voice chirped.

Wait, I didn’t recognize that voice.

“Where are you, honey?” I asked curiously.

“Ah, just at one of my uncle’s parties. You know the one.”

I did indeed. Gavin was well-connected to a lot of upstanding, very established people, and he had an uncle and three cousins who were the epitome of yacht boys. All they did was party or go to high-flying events all the time. It seemed exhausting to me.

“Oh,” I said. “On a school night?”

“Yeah, they needed some help prepping for things, and I wanted to meet up with the coordinator they hired for their next big thing.”

I let out a slight chuckle and didn’t point out it was a woman’s voice who had called to him. Neither his uncle nor cousins were female. Maybe it was another worker, or even just one of their friends. It wasn’t like Gavin wasn’t allowed to talk to women. God, that’d be toxic.

But even though I knew that, it felt like my teeth were beginning to ache. Like I wanted to bite into something and shake my head back and forth until it tore.

Ew.

“Oh, well, have fun! I’m looking forward to this Friday!”

“Me too! Love you, babe. Bye!”

“Love you!”

With that, he hung up, and all was right in the world again, our relationship back on track.

Wasn’t it?

Wasn’t it?

It was like someone had flipped a switch in me, and all that relief, all that confidence, crumbled into anxiety. I bit my nails, wondering if I’d just made a mistake.

God, how exhausting. Anxiety really was the pits. But it wasn’t like I had a choice. Unfortunately, my biology wasn’t giving me the chance to wait anymore. It was clear to me that in the early days of my shift, I’d possibly make abnormal choices, like I was incapable of rational thought. But the fact of the matter was, animals have sex. It wasn’t all that unfounded of me to expect that I might want to meet with another shifter while in my wolf form, and while that grossed me out, I also wouldn’t feel ashamed, either. It was what it was, and once I was fully in control of my wolf, I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

But humans? Humans made love. Even with just casual sex, it was a fun sharing of pleasure, of touch, of intimacy. I didn’t want my first time to be lost to a haze I could hardly remember. Didn’t want it stolen by animalistic urges that I couldn’t control.

No, I wanted the experience, messy and flawed as it was. Especially since Caleb had made it clear that I would never be fully human again.

So it was decided. This Friday, I was going to make love to my boyfriend. I was going to experience something I’d both looked forward to and was terrified of for far too long.

I was going to lose my virginity.

I paced my room as I wondered what to wear, my clothes strewn everywhere. I knew it was perhaps a little foolish to be so worried about what I was wearing when the point of the night was to end up naked, but I wanted to present myself in the best way possible. Partially to impress Gavin, of course, but also myself. If I looked like a million bucks, I knew I’d feel more confident, like the most beautiful present about to be opened and enjoyed by the both of us. I wanted that for myself.

I wasn’t delusional, after all. I knew I’d be nervous, that I was gonna fumble some things, and that it would be awkward. But to me, that was all part of the beautiful experience of being human. Gavin and I were about to share something so important.

That was one of the many interesting things about sex. It could be simple, easy, a casual engagement between friends, a high-flying entanglement between strangers, or it could be a deep, emotional sharing between two bodies, leading each other into pleasure, bliss, and deeper connection.

I was hoping for the last part, obviously. I wanted to look into Gavin’s eyes and feel so much of the connection that’d become so dampened lately. I wanted to reaffirm that I was loyal to him, not wooed by some mysterious stranger who’d shown up with a delicious scent and soulful, dark eyes.

So, what to wear?

Was it perhaps superfluous to be concerned about my outfit when I potentially could shift into a giant monster that’d try to eat the people I loved?

Well, one thing at a time.

It wasn’t even my first hurdle of the night. I wasn’t exactly a big lingerie girl, all things considered, and for a very brief and panicked moment, I was worried I’d be stuck in something generic and unsexy. But that was when I stumbled across an old gift Jessica gave me to help me “get that confidence you need, girl!” It just so happened to be a frilly lingerie set she’d gotten online. It wasn’t normal for me, and that’s what mattered. It was a delicate pink, with lacy bows along it and thin straps that did absolutely nothing for support. It was something I’d have dreamed about when I was plus-sized, knowing that it would never ever fit. I supposed now that I was small enough to fit in their largest available selection, I resented it.

I should have been happy. There were things I could now wear, but mostly everything seemed so... ephemeral. The simple facts said 96% of people eventually gained the weight back, so what if that happened to me? I wouldn’t be able to wear any of my wardrobe? Even Caleb said that werewolves appear in all sorts of different sizes, so it wasn’t like being a shifter would grant me immunity from ever being fat again.

But I decided the night I was going to lose my virginity was not the time to get on my soapbox, so I tucked all those thoughts away and put the lingerie on. To my great surprise, I liked how it made me look: delicate, sweet, and sexy in a way I wasn’t used to, but not completely foreign, either. I still looked like Emily, which was what I always wanted.

Too bad what to put over it was such a conundrum.

I had a few pretty silk, soft, summery dresses I knew I could pair with a knitted cardigan to create a classy look, but when I put them on, you could see the lines of all my lingerie. Every single ruffle made a weird pucker that wasn’t at all flattering.

That was when I realized what slips were for. I’d never really had one, given that the shapewear I used to employ usually hid my underwear lines. But I hadn’t worn any in a while, and I didn’t think the ones I had would currently fit. Hence, the aftermath of the whirlwind that was spread across my floor.

Why was the whole process so difficult? How hard could it be to keep my same vibe, appear effortlessly sexy, wear something that was easy to remove and wouldn’t be awkward, and also fit? That wasn’t too much to ask for, was it?

Apparently, it was, because I was about to make a mad dash to the mall when I found something shoved into the deepest corner of my bottom drawer. It was an outfit that Lisbeta had gifted me early in our friendship. She’d ordered it online, and it’d been too big for her. She’d decided the return process was too complicated to be worth it.

I’d tried it on once, and all of us girls had taken some selfies together, but I was so self-conscious about the dress and how it barely fit that I’d shoved it away, never to put on again. But as I remembered, the thing was cute: a slinky lavender underbase that almost looked like a negligee, with a loose, almost spiderweb-like crocheted layer over it. It had fairy or Unseelie vibes, with the crocheted material being a sage green. And while I wasn’t an actual fairy, I supposed I was literally magical now.

“Perfect!” I snatched it up and set it to the side, deciding to focus on my makeup.

As with most stereotypically feminine hobbies, I wasn’t the most skilled or experienced with “beating my face,” as some of the girls called it. I’d always been fascinated by the process—it was like making living art—but I found I usually didn’t have the time or the drive to nail down all the wonderful techniques that led to the interesting looks some of my friends wore out. However, after a lot of practice, I knew how to do a fairly sharp wing with liquid eyeliner and full lips, so that was what I was going to do.

Looking into the mirror, I took my time with every step. I’d done my makeup hundreds of times before in that very spot, but there was something different about tonight, something special. I wanted to remember every single detail so I could call upon it even a century and a half in the future, when I was an old, gray wolf.

God, that was still such a wild thing to think about. But at least it distracted me from the nerves building in my stomach, from that quiet voice in the back of my head screaming that I wasn’t ready, that I was rushing things because I was scared of what the future would bring.

I felt like I had a right to be scared. I’d just been told that my future involved existing as a completely different species, and it was okay to be afraid. I couldn’t remember when I’d first read the quote, but there was this one exchange that’d stuck in my head ever since.

“Remember, in the end, if you want to accomplish a goal, you should do it.”

“But what if I’m scared?”

“Then do it scared.”

Yes, I was terrified, but I was tired of letting my anxiety rule me. I wanted to know what it was like to have sex as a human. I wanted to know what it was like to have sex with my boyfriend because, as much as I loved him, there was no guarantee that we’d stay together once I turned into a bloodthirsty creature. I’d like to think that somehow we’d persevere, but in reality, people broke up over reasons as small as going to different colleges. We were talking about me turning into a whole different species .

I was drawing my eyeliner sharp as a sword, and the light blush on my cheeks was a shield guarding against my insecurities. I’d bolster and armor myself as I pleased to experience what would never be duplicated for the rest of my life.

After putting on my makeup, I got dressed. I put on the cutest pair of matching high heels I had, then finally looked in the mirror.

“Wow,” I blurted out without even thinking about it. I still looked like myself but elevated, like I was being celebrated like never before. Somehow, the dress that had felt like it was bursting at the seams the last time I squeezed into it actually fit. It hugged my curves, supporting my chest in a way the lingerie didn’t, tucking at my waist, then flaring out from my hips. More of my thighs were showing than I’d normally have liked, but for once, I wasn’t self-conscious about it. I looked Grecian, like something out of a myth.

I liked it.

Was that my inner wolf talking? Caleb had said my perspective on some things would change—was this one of them? If so, I wouldn’t be mad about it. I liked looking in the mirror and being pleased by what I saw. I felt like if the Emily from a year ago saw me in a club, she’d wish she was more like her.

Well, now I was that girl.

Fuck, yes.

I grinned, grabbed my purse, and threw a few things into it I thought I might need. It was a mid-sized one, so I couldn’t fit everything, but I packed wisely: a change of clothes for the next day, underwear, some ibuprofen for aches and pains, and some body wash. Surely not an exhaustive list, but it’d have to do.

I wished I could ask the girls if they’d forgotten anything essential after their first time, but I didn’t want them to know what I was up to. I was too afraid that they’d make too big of a deal of it or discourage me in some way. Besides, I wanted the moment to be private. Just something between Gavin and me.

Last but not least was jewelry. If it were any other situation, I’d wear the bangle Gavin had gotten me, but that wasn’t an option for obvious reasons. Thankfully, he’d gotten me a different bracelet a few days later. This new one didn’t have as much fanfare, but I didn’t mind. I figured he had some complicated feelings about accidentally sending me into anaphylactic shock, but I didn’t blame him one bit and happily accepted the gift.

It was made from hypoallergenic metal instead of silver, and it was much thinner, but it was still beautiful. Another bonus was that it also matched the necklace my parents gave me. I hadn’t taken off that necklace since. So I slid the bracelet onto my wrist, letting it twinkle in the light, and took one last look at myself in the mirror.

A girl could get used to this.

I texted Gavin that I was ready, looking at the clock before realizing he still wasn’t supposed to pick me up for another forty-five minutes. Well, since I had the time, I could do something with my hair.

Another thing I was by no means an expert at, so I’d planned to have it fall around my head naturally. Thanks to a whole lot of bobby pins and butterfly clips, a bottle of hairspray, and a bunch of prayers, I was able to get it up in a loose bun with artful ringlets falling in strategic places.

Holy shit, I’d have to doll myself up more often. I still liked everyday Emily and wouldn’t be comfortable parading around dressed up all the time, but there was nothing wrong with taking some time and luxuriating in all of my features.

As I finished with my coiffed hair, I checked my phone and was delighted to see a text from my boyfriend.

I’m on my way.

Perfect! The night had started off rocky and panicked, but we were doing well now. I really felt like I was hitting my groove. Otherwise, I was going to need every bit of good luck to make the rest of the night go according to plan. I knew sex could be silly, awkward, and less than perfect between two flawed humans, but that was the beauty of it, and I wanted to share that with my boyfriend.

Thankfully, my partner was punctual, and it was only ten or so minutes later that I heard a knock on my door. With yet another glance in the mirror to make sure I hadn’t magically become unkempt during the scant moments waiting on my couch, I opened the door.

“Hey there… holy shit! ”

I didn’t think Gavin had ever reacted like that to seeing me, so I blushed. “Like it?” I murmured, spinning in a slow circle. I wasn’t the most graceful in heels, but I moved deliberately and slowly. I almost looked like I knew what I was doing.

“Babe, you look incredible. ”

He took a step forward, his hands resting on my hips as he pulled me into a kiss. Not for the first time, I found myself beyond grateful that Bella had given me transfer-proof lipstick for my twentieth birthday. It wouldn’t resist everything , but it sure lasted through a whole lot.

“Thank you,” I said once we broke our kiss. “Just wanted to dress up for our special night.”

“Babe, you did more than dress up. You look unreal.” He offered his hand, and I took it, feeling like a princess. “I honestly don’t know a guy luckier than me.”

“I don’t know,” I flirted. “I tend to think I’m the lucky one.”

“Who knows, maybe we both are? Either way, are you ready for a nice, romantic dinner with just the two of us? None of your friends, none of my friends, no work, no school. Just you and me, enjoying each other’s company.”

“You have no idea just how ready I am.”

“That’s what I love to hear.” He pressed a kiss to my cheek, and for a moment, there was a spark, but then it faded to more of a sizzle. “Your chariot awaits.”

Cheesy, but I giggled, anyway. Gavin seemed genuinely excited to have a night for just us, and he hadn’t even alluded to sex yet, which was all I wanted. I’d seen too many of my friends rush into intimacy too soon or for the wrong reasons, and I’d never wanted to be like that. It made me feel better that so far, things were going in a great direction.

But somewhere, a quiet, frantic part of me clamored that I wasn’t ready, that I was trying to convince myself I’d had a good idea, but it was really my hormones and anxiety. I wasn’t defying the fear that’d ruled me for so long. I was just giving in to it.

A bother, really.

The two of us walked out of my dorm arm in arm, and though it reminded me of prom, it was still so special. Sometimes it was nice to slow down and take a moment with the ones we cared about. No matter what happened, no matter what my wolf brought on, I did care about Gavin.

Once we reached his car, he opened the door for me, and I carefully slid in. My outfit was short enough that I had to worry about wardrobe malfunctions, as well as the wind revealing too much, but it was worth it. Every now and then, it was okay to be a little frivolous and wear something not exactly conducive to the weather. It wasn’t like I was going to school in the dead of winter with a miniskirt and no woolen leggings.

“Off we go,” Gavin said once we were both in and buckled up. “You know, I almost didn’t get a reservation to this place. Apparently, it’s pretty hard to get into.”

“I’m guessing you had to call someone?”

He sent me a wry grin. “Yeah. My second auntie, the one from France, is fuckbuddies with the couple that owns it. She pulled some strings, so voila . I need to send her a nice bouquet.”

“Wow, that’s a story and a half,” I said, chuckling. I’d always gotten plenty of amusement from all the ways my boyfriend could call in favors left and right. If he mapped out those favors, it would make either the world’s most complicated diagram or a really good webcomic.

“Ha, you’re not kidding. She’s always been adventurous, that one.”

We continued chatting the entire drive there, Gavin’s hand resting on my thigh with the other on the wheel, and it was honestly nice. Even if the longer Gavin’s palm pressed against my bare skin, the warmer and warmer I grew. And the warmer I got, the more acutely aware I was of various details about him. For example, he was wearing a different cologne than usual, something woodier with hints of sandalwood. I wasn’t put off by the change in scent. If anything, it reminded me of something I couldn’t put my finger on, but I liked it a lot.

Once we arrived, I wasn’t exactly surprised when we pulled up to the valet services. Usually, I’d prefer to park and then walk, but considering the temperature and my outfit, being able to get out in front of the building was much appreciated.

Holy cow, it was quite a venue. I’d heard of Bella Donna’s before and always thought it was interesting that it was named after a poison. I got why when I saw the place. Everything about the outside of the restaurant screamed effortlessly classy, like a femme fatale whose fifth husband had just died under mysterious circumstances. The colors went between neutral and dark. It looked gothic-inspired, though it didn’t feel like a hokey, horror-themed restaurant. It was understated, elegant, and illuminated just enough to stick out against the night sky but not look glaring.

“My lady,” Gavin said as he offered his hand, bowing dramatically.

I laughed as I linked my arm with his. “You know, normally when people ‘milady’ me, I know I’m about to endure absolute levels of cringe.”

Thankfully, he laughed, too. “I don’t have a fedora, so that’s how you know you’re good.”

“You know they’re not even actually wearing fedoras, right? It’s trilbies, if I recall right.”

“What? No, you’re kidding!”

“I promise you I’m not. That ilk is... something else.”

“I never thought there’d be a worse band of internet losers, but I think the incels have them beat.”

I let out a whistle. “You got that right.”

It was such an easy conversation, and for a moment, it felt just like old times, before school took over so much of our lives and the stress mounted higher and higher. Still, it trailed off as we approached the lavish, beautiful lobby area. The hostess was garbed in a black dress that was so chic, it suited her perfectly. She looked like she was just as ready to walk a fashion runway as show us to our table.

Was I underdressed? I’d felt so confident, but now I wasn’t sure.

“Reservation?” she asked.

“Two under Radcliff.”

“Ah, perfect, sir. We have your experience ready.”

Together, we followed her through a couple of fancy rooms. I almost wanted to stick around and look at everything, to take in the carefully curated ambiance. I didn’t, however, as I was also eager to sit down at the table and begin our experience.

It was tucked in the corner, which no doubt would usually feel stuffy, but ours was right next to two windows twice as tall as Gavin with thick, velvet curtains on both sides such a deeply royal blue, they were almost onyx. However, they were held by golden cords that somehow managed not to look gaudy.

Who’d designed this place? From the exterior to the interior, I felt like every single detail was paid close attention to. I was impressed, that was for sure. What better place to celebrate the momentous decision I had made, as well as the irreplaceable moments Gavin and I were going to share together?

Once we sat, I wasn’t surprised to see that full courses were being offered rather than individual plates, considering how many stars this restaurant had. I looked them over, and goodness, each and every one of them seemed like an absolute delight.

“Wow, this is incredible,” I said, reaching over the table to intertwine my fingers with Gavin’s hand.

“Well, I figured tonight’s festivities were going to be incredible, so the meal better match.”

My smile faltered ever so slightly, but I figured it was perfectly normal for him to make a statement like that. Flattering, even. I had basically done everything except for outright state we were going to have sex, so it was nice to know Gavin already thought it was going to be amazing. Would I have preferred he didn’t bring it up over dinner, especially so early into it? Kind of… but I understood why. It was an exciting event both of us had been waiting an awfully long time for.

“Do you have one you’re leaning towards?” I asked. “I noticed they have several for couples.”

“Yes, I think we should get one of those. I’m partial to the first, the third, and the fourth. Do any of those work for you?”

We talked back and forth a bit because the selection really was that good and so much of it sounded utterly delectable. But in the end, we both decided on a lucky number shortly before our waiter approached.

Naturally, they were dressed in an all-black uniform that looked somewhere between formal wear and high fashion. I hated to think what their laundry or dry-cleaning bill was like, but I didn’t let that distract me from the expensive bottle of wine that Gavin bought.

It wasn’t that I didn’t drink. Hell, I’d pounded back several shots in the club. Still, I knew better than to involve a lot of alcohol when it came to an event as important as what we’d do later. Informed consent was huge, and while I was eager for us to be together, I wanted to do it with a sound mind.

But Gavin just shot that charming smile of his over the table. “For your nerves,” he said, like he was the most considerate person ever. “It’s a big night for us.” Then he winked.

“Ah, an anniversary?” Our server asked with the right amount of polite interest. Oh, they were good. I still flushed brightly, and my stomach flipped a little at the thought of the waiter knowing Gavin and I would head to our hotel and immediately start messing around.

That was possibly the worst way I could’ve described it. Besides, we were at a romantic, high-end restaurant. Chances were that more than half the server’s tables for the entire week were celebrating something important and going home with their partner to enjoy themselves. I needed to relax. I didn’t want to get in my head and ruin everything when the evening was so incredibly lovely.

“Something like that,” Gavin said before the server took our order.

My nerves settled when the rest of the conversation veered back to much more normal things: how our classes were, some funny things that’d happened on campus, more hijinks from Gavin’s eccentric family members and their acquaintances. It was nice. Really nice.

I was all worked up over nothing.

Then, when the first course appeared, all my worries disappeared. I’d seen a lot of discord and jokes about fine dining in my life, from ridiculously small portions to people sucking flavorless foam out of a plaster cast of the chef’s mouth, but the dishes we got weren’t like that. Were they filling? No, but these were just the first course of four. Lime-marinated squid. Cod loin in olive oil confit with spring carrots and spiced sauce vierge, followed by another course of paté en cro?te and sweet-and-sour vegetables. It was all outside my wheelhouse, but every dish held a lovely secret.

We took our time, savoring every single bite, and we didn’t talk all that much, in part because our mouths were full. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I was in a fairy tale and loving every minute of it.

I’d made the right decision. I was no longer letting myself live in fear.

“You know,” Gavin said, grinning. “As delicious as this is, I’m sure that you’ll be even more delicious later.”

I paused with my fork halfway up to my mouth, my cheeks going red. While I was sure he was trying to be flattering, maybe even seductive, I looked around and wondered if anyone had heard him.

“Gavin,” I said politely, “I’m really happy to be here in this moment with you, but could we save that talk for when we’re in private? I don’t want it hovering over us all night.”

“Of course, fair enough, fair enough.” I heaved a sigh of relief, but it was cut off when he kept right on speaking. “I just can’t wait to have my head between those thighs of yours.”

There it was. My stomach flipped again when my mind went right towards the dream I’d had earlier in the week, and how it’d been a completely different man eating me out.

My mind filled itself with the fantasy, like an onslaught of screenshots pointing out that I was a terrible girlfriend. Holy shit, was I really thinking about another man and my guardian while on a date that was supposed to culminate with losing my virginity to my boyfriend?

Somehow, I was saved from whatever awful look was undoubtedly on my face by pouring myself another glass of wine. The next course arrived: hay-baked pork filet mignon with potatoes, button mushroom moelleux, charcuterie sauce, a selection of local cheeses, and beef tartar. A delicious blend of flavors that was pushing me to become fuller than I’d expected.

For obvious reasons, I didn’t want to eat too much. The last thing I wanted was to be gassy with an extended stomach while trying to have an intimate experience with my partner. I was half-ready to ask if maybe we’d be able to stop, then I noticed Gavin’s bouncing leg and wondered if he wanted to rush the night along.

Anxiety took over, and I realized I wanted all the time I could get. So I waited for the next course, and honestly, that was a good idea.

Because it was time for dessert .

Neapolitan rum baba with citrus-infused rum and vanilla whipped cream, vanilla praline millefeuilles with tiny, beautiful flowers on top that were slightly spicy, encrusted salt, and then the world’s tiniest but richest gianduja chocolate tartlet.

Heaven. I was in heaven. Even as the last bite lingered on my tongue, melting across my mouth in a perfect deluge of flavor, I wanted to stay in that moment.

“Check, please!”

Well, that ripped me out of it. I blinked slowly and looked across the table at Gavin to see he had his arm raised to bring over the waiter. Who even did that anymore? I tried not to frown, but I couldn’t help it. Why was he rushing? We had a lot to get to, but dinner together was setting the stage. It was celebrating us. Would being impatient for one more hour really be that much of a trial?

Much to my chagrin, our server came over and took Gavin’s card. I told myself I needed to calm down, that it was perfectly normal for him to be excited, yet I felt he was ruining the experience. The point of the night was to end it in sex, but it didn’t mean we had to rush. I wanted to savor every single step, every single moment. This was the first and last time I’d ever have sex as a human. Even if I didn’t have my future shift hovering over my head, my virginity was important to me.

Yes, it was largely a social construct, but to me, sharing my first sexual experience with my long-term partner was a special occasion I’d looked forward to for an exceptionally long time. I wanted to overcome my insecurities about my body and partake in a fine and pleasurable activity, but if Gavin was going to keep putting the emphasis on that alone, I knew I was gonna get into my own head.

I’d always thought that he was so considerate of my boundaries, that he understood how some things people considered easy I found difficult to do. He’d apparently forgotten all that in his urge to get between my thighs, which—surprise, surprise—wasn’t exactly putting me in the mood.

It’s a compliment , I told myself. Just take it as a compliment.

That was the mantra I repeated to myself over and over as we exited the restaurant far sooner than I thought we would, then got into the car once the valet brought it back. Even as we drove, I felt my nerves mounting.

“Gavin, could you slow down, please?” I asked. He’d never been the most cautious driver, but he was being more reckless than normal.

“Sorry, babe. Just eager to get where we’re going.”

“Yeah, well, I’d like to get there in one piece.”

“So I can bend you in two?”

What the fuck?

It should’ve been a hot comment, and I even recognized in most situations, it would be. I’d had fantasies about confidently riding my boyfriend while we both talked dirty to each other. But there was a time and a place for everything, and maybe my first time wasn’t the appropriate moment for that.

As my anger rose, I fought to keep calm. It was likely just my inner wolf reacting, making everything so much more difficult than it should be.

God, I wished Caleb were around so his scent could calm me and make the increasing fever in my body give me a break. Still, I couldn’t exactly ask my guardian to stand outside the door while I was deflowered, so that was out.

It was a funny thought, and the amusement lasted right up until Gavin pulled up to yet another valet service.

Oh.

It looked like we’d arrived.