23. Caleb
W as I breathing?
It’s too bad you can’t help me.
Those words were playing over and over in my head, building on each other until it became a cacophony.
It had started as a persistent, nagging voice at the back of my head, one wondering why such a lovely, vivacious woman who was clearly conscientious would be with a cad like Gavin. He was a spoiled rich boy who rarely cared about anything outside himself.
Did I know him well? No, and I didn’t need to. From how he’d acted at the party to assaulting his girlfriend, he was a piece of shit through and through. I knew trash when I saw it.
I was curious why she’d chosen to saddle herself with such a loser, and I shouldn’t have asked, but I just couldn’t help it. The absolute last thing I’d expected was for Emily to confess that she was a virgin, and the only reason she was planning to sleep with Gavin was because she wanted a special experience and time was running out for that. How could I blame her?
I meant it when I’d applauded her frank way of looking at things and for being honest with herself. But I’d be lying if my mind hadn’t taken me down several paths I absolutely shouldn’t traverse, like how such a beautiful, amazing woman could ever feel inadequate, about how special I’d make her first time. How I’d set her down in reverence and make sure she knew every single inch of her body was worthy of worship. Hell, there was no ion of her I’d leave untouched, leave without attention and affection.
But I knew that was something never meant for me. I was her guardian , and while some in my position mated with their charges, I found most of those situations pretty creepy. I never wanted to be like that with Emily. She deserved so much more.
Then she’d gone and said that.
It’s too bad you couldn’t help me.
All those pathways I was dutifully shutting down had sprung up again tenfold, clamoring for attention. The idea of having Emily sprawled out below me, all soft and pink, was addictive. It was like lightning straight to the tip of my cock, making every single nerve in my body vibrate.
Fuck, was I really so far gone already? I’d been attracted to Emily from the moment I got to know her, but I always figured I had confused emotions. I never thought I’d see her again. Surely finding out the child I’d failed so thoroughly had somehow survived was bound to provoke mixed feelings.
There was nothing puzzling, though, about how badly I wanted her right now.
“I-I-I’m sorry!” Emily sputtered, her face beet-red.
If it were any other time, I would’ve found it cute. But I was still reeling, simultaneously trying to rein myself in and also revel in the fantasies my mind was conjuring up at a rapid pace.
“I have a boyfriend. I shouldn’t have said that.”
A moment earlier, I’d have said there was nothing on earth that’d distract me from the idea of Emily wet and whining as she slid down my length, but... well, that did it. All of that lust, all of that ardor vanished in a flash, and I found myself glaring at Emily. I looked at her more sharply than I should’ve, but her words were concerning.
“Wait, you’re still with that waste of flesh? After what happened last night?” I managed to keep my tone from being too accusatory, my words not as venomous as I wanted them to be. Gavin seriously got under my skin for reasons other than jealousy. He was shit. Point blank.
“Well, yeah,” she said like it was the most reasonable thing in the world. “I haven’t had a chance to talk to him yet to break up.”
Okay, I’d misinterpreted her. I calmed myself down, but I was grateful for the reprieve from my growing desire. Her statement had been like a bucket of cold water over my head, and that was exactly what I needed.
“Just so you know, I think it’d be perfectly reasonable in this situation to shoot him a text,” I said. “Hell, you could block him, and I’d still cheer you on. Guys like that don’t deserve closure.”
“Yeah,” she agreed. “I haven’t really decided one way or another how to end it. I…”
I leaned in as I heard how her voice quivered. I wanted to reach for her, but there was still too much tension between us, built on the back of her simple statement.
“I’m scared of him,” she finished.
“It’s okay. He’s never going to hurt you again. I swear that on my life.” I decided it didn’t matter if I was riled up. Emily needed comfort. I leaned forward to rest my hand on her knee, high enough that there were no sexual connotations. I didn’t want her to think I was taking advantage while she was vulnerable, and I wanted her to know she could always be open with me, no matter what was on her mind.
Growing up was tricky, and I’d never expect Emily to sanitize or censor her thoughts around me. I wouldn’t be that type of guardian.
“Thank you, Caleb,” she said. “I believe you. I just really hope it doesn’t come to that.”
“Me too,” I agreed. “Me too.” I sat back, thinking that was the end of it. Yes, Emily had voiced a fleeting, wistful thought she didn’t know would speak to the wolf raring to go within, but I could get past it. I possibly needed a nice freezing shower to calm every part of me down, but still, we’d be fine.
“So, is that a no, then?” she asked.
I waited one second. Two seconds. Three. I waited for a recant, or for a sly smirk to show me that she was joking around, but no. Emily’s face was dead serious, her molten, amber eyes boring through me.
“Emily, that’s not really something to joke about,” I cautioned.
“I’m not joking,” she insisted. “I’m being serious. I know I shouldn’t trust you this much, but I do. You may have thrown my ex across a room, but you did it to help me. All you’ve ever done is help. I know you went about it the wrong way when it first started, and you scared the living daylights out of me. But it makes you more human, in a way.” She paused, blushing lightly. “I’ve really got to stop using that terminology; it doesn’t fit anymore. What I mean is… it makes you real. You’re flawed, just like me. You’ve fucked up just like me. You have your own insecurities, and you have the things you’re proud of. Things you’re confident in.” She swallowed hard. “So yes, maybe it’s crazy to suggest something like this, but if my options are between you and never getting to experience this at all, I know what I want. Besides…” Her voice was picking up speed, and she was growing more confident by the second. “You seem experienced. I know first times can be awkward, and I’m going to be honest with you—I won’t be good. I can get stuck in my own mind and doubt myself. If I’m going to do this, I want to do it not only with someone I can trust, but someone who can hold my hand and guide me through. Who better than my guardian?”
How was I supposed to argue with that? I was going against my very nature, but I just couldn’t do it. “Emily, I’d be taking advantage of you.”
“How? How could you possibly be taking advantage when I’m the one asking? Now don’t get me wrong—if I’m crossing a boundary with you or you just don’t want to, don’t worry. I won’t take the rejection personally. But if you’re saying no because of some noble ideal, I’m telling you right now to can it.”
She swallowed hard again and stood up, and I was again acutely aware that she was wearing all of my clothing and had slept in a bed covered in my scent. I never thought I’d be one for a mate, but seeing her standing there, fully confident in herself, made me want to sink my teeth right into her neck.
No, no, no. I’d come so far from conflating sexual desire with the affection I so craved and needing that validation to feel good about myself. It’d be selfish to indulge in what Emily was offering. She didn’t understand...
“Do you have any idea how rarely I have the guts to ask for what I want?” she said earnestly. “I’ve been so afraid for so long, and I thought taking this step with Gavin was the way to confront my fears, but it wasn’t. I was hoping to kill two birds with one stone, getting an experience I desperately wanted and finally soothing over Gavin’s impatience. Even after what he did, I still want this experience. I don’t think it’s fair to be robbed of it because of his selfishness.” She gazed intently at me. “So I’m telling you, if you want to say no, please say no. I’ll never think less of you, but don’t give me any bullshit reasoning. I’m not some child you raised from birth. You knew me for a short while, and unfortunately, I was stolen away. I am an adult, I am in my twenties, and if I want to have sex, there’s nothing shameful about it.”
As much as I wanted to argue with her, she was right. I did want to sleep with her, and no , I hadn’t raised her since childhood. We were both shifters; the pull between us was visceral. And while I’d never wanted to be one of those creepy guardians who took advantage of their charge and virtually raised themselves a wife, that wasn’t what was happening with us.
Emily was standing in front of me, being open and honest, and asking for my help. Help I’d truly love to give her.
So why say no?
Hadn’t I just thought about how good I could treat her? I wasn’t a fool. I knew that for women, sex with a man could often be a crapshoot. There’d be good times, bad times, and plenty of boring times, but if I gave her the worship she deserved, it’d set the standard so she wouldn’t accept anything less for the rest of her life.
My cock was already aching in my pants, and if I kept waffling, I’d end up with an abrasive wet spot on the front of my plaid shorts. I wished I were wearing my dark jeans. They’d at least hide my borderline raging erection.
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “Now? I could take you out to dinner. I can make a whole event of this.”
Her face scrunched up as soon as I realized how that suggestion might echo her failed night with Gavin. “No, thank you,” she said. “That might give me too much time to chicken out. If you’re game, I’d rather start sooner rather than later.”
I let out an incredulous huff. Somehow I’d gone from making omelets for the two of us and discussing heartfelt issues to being propositioned. It was far too crass, and while I wasn’t a hoity-toity asshole, I also knew Emily deserved more respect than that. She was offering me the biggest sign of trust possible, and I wouldn’t take it lightly.
“So, like, when? Now?” I said in exasperation, but what I didn’t expect was her fierce look of determination.
“Yeah, why not?”
Fuck.
It was like a wet dream come true, or an incredibly classy porno. My inner wolf was howling, slamming into the bars of his cage. There was nothing he wanted more than to sink his metaphorical teeth into Emily, to cum so deep inside her that she’d smell of us for days. Anybody with half a nose would know she was marked by us.
But it was more than that. He wanted to bite her, to claim her neck in the sacred way done between two mates—which was insane. Bonds like that could never be undone.
I’d just met Emily, but half of me was so ready to spend the rest of my life with her, to dedicate myself to her safety and happiness. The other half wasn’t that far behind, either, so viscerally turned on that there wasn’t enough blood going to my brain.
However, there was just enough blood pumping for a tiny voice in the back of my head to speak.
What if this ruins everything?
What if it did?
The thought was horrifying. I’d just made a great connection with Emily, and I didn’t want to ruin it with my dick. But as she stood there, I watched her begin to wilt as the seconds ticked by, and that was more heartbreaking than anything else.
She was so brave, so direct, and if this was the one thing she wanted, didn’t she deserve it? Emily was right. It wasn’t fair that Gavin had stolen this chance from her, that he’d violated her trust.
“Never mind,” she said finally, hurt seeping into the edges of her words. “It was a stupid idea, anyway.”
“I’ll do it.”
Her eyes went wider than I’d ever seen, her mouth opening and closing before she found her words. “What?”
“I said, I’ll do it. If you really think I’m worthy of helping you step forward into your new life like this, then I’d be an idiot to turn down the honor. I just really, really want to make sure you’re certain. ”
“I am,” Emily said with all the resolution she could muster. “I am absolutely, without a doubt, one hundred percent, totally certain that this is what I want.”
Who was I to argue?
“Alright, then,” I said, carefully untying those last bits of control holding me back. Offering my hand to her, I let my voice drop into a low, deep rumble. “Why don’t we both get washed off?”