Chapter 54
CHAPTER 54
CASSIDY
I looked up at the sky. It was the kind of night that felt like I could see every single star in the sky. I leaned back against the side of the lodge. It was chilly but it felt a lot better out here than it did inside. I could hear the music from the band along with laughter and various conversations.
The night was a success from what I had seen so far. I should be in a better mood, but I was just not feeling Cupid’s arrow. Or maybe I was feeling it too much. I didn’t know. I was out of sorts. I hadn’t felt the same since I found out about the baby. Everything felt out of whack.
“Cassidy.”
I looked over and saw Don. He handed me a glass of whiskey and a cigar. “Thought you might want this.”
“Thank you.”
I lit the cigar and took a long drag. Don took a drag from his own cigar. This was a rare treat for both of us. Something we enjoyed only on rare occasions. A treat for days like Christmas or our birthdays. He took a slow sip of his whiskey.
“I envy my brother sometimes,” he said, almost absently.
“What?”
“I was just thinking about life. My life. It got me to thinking about my brother and how he went and got himself a family. Built something real, something lasting.”
I was surprised, but I just waited, sensing this was something he needed to get off his chest. Don did that sometimes. He would get real contemplative. I assumed it was something one did in their advanced years. When you were staring down the last years of your life, it seemed pretty natural to think about the life you lived.
Don let out a sigh. “Don’t get me wrong, Cassidy, I’ve had my share of good luck. My life has had meaning in its own way. But the one regret I have is not having a family of my own. Maybe that’s why I latched onto you kids so much.”
He got quiet again. I had known Don half my life. He was gruff and didn’t say much, but I also knew he had a big heart under that tough exterior. He wasn’t one for sappy talks. Hearing him be so honest struck a nerve.
He smiled. “Karen was the light of my life, even back when she was a little girl. I felt honored to be a part of her life. That girl’s the most precious person in the world to me. I would do anything for her.”
I swallowed, feeling something tightening in my chest. I had a feeling I knew where the conversation was going. I stayed quiet and let him talk. He might have had a little too much to drink and was feeling sentimental. A drunk man spoke the truth that he couldn’t say when he was sober.
“And now, she’s got someone else to think about. A tiny someone that’s half her and half you.”
His words landed hard, but he didn’t seem to notice. Or maybe he did, and he just knew I needed it. Don was never one to pull any punches.
He turned to look at me. There was a combination of pride and sadness on his face. “I don’t know if I ever told you this, Cassidy, but I love you. You are like a son to me. I don’t say that lightly.”
The words caught me off guard. He turned away from me, staring at the sky once again.
“I don’t know if I ever said it enough to you as a boy,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “I should have. I was scared. Loving you scared the hell out of me, truth be told. You could’ve turned your back, run off anytime, but you didn’t. And I’m grateful for that. More than I could ever say. I knew you were dealing with a lot. More than any kid should have. I was afraid to get too close to you because I knew you had one foot out the door.”
My throat tightened. He was bringing up memories I had locked away a long time ago. I didn’t want to think about the feelings. I had to look away. I didn’t want him to see the emotion.
“Alright, old man,” I said, my voice rough. “Pull it together before someone catches us out here bawling like schoolgirls at homecoming.”
Don chuckled, wiping at his eyes. “Almost done, kid. Just got a bit more to say. Bear with me.”
I waited. He looked through the window. I turned to see what had his attention. He was watching Karen. She and Ginny were talking, both smiling. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of her. It was a side profile. The dress she was wearing was tight. My eyes immediately went to her belly. There was the tiniest swell. I knew her body intimately. The swell was new. To know that was my child blooming in there was crazy.
“Regret is an ugly thing, Cassidy. And I know you carry it—hell, I know that weight myself. But listen to me, the weight of your past is nothing compared to the weight of missing out being a part of your kid’s life.”
He nodded toward Karen again. I looked at her, imagining her with my baby. Damn it, I was scared.
The words came out before I could stop them. “Why does it feel so hard?”
Don smiled softly. “There’s nothing in life with higher stakes than raising a child. Nothing. But there’s also nothing that brings as much joy.” He reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. “Love, Cassidy—that’s the meaning of life. It’s our purpose. We’re here to fall in love and enjoy life before our days are done. The luckiest of us get to share our lives with our children. You’re getting that chance, Cassidy. I would hate to see you throwing away that chance.”
“Don, it isn’t that easy,” I said.
“Love was stolen from you when you were a baby. You know what it’s like to go through life without it. But let me remind you, you are loved. And you have the capacity to love, whether you realize it or not. All you have to do is give yourself permission.”
The words were difficult. I knew Don was right. I’d spent my whole life running from that feeling, keeping my distance so I didn’t have to risk that pain again. But here was Don, the closest thing I had to a father, standing here telling me I didn’t have to keep running.
I took a deep breath, trying to push off the heavy feeling. I looked back through the window at Karen. She turned for a second, catching my eye, and for a moment, everything else faded. I caught a glimpse of the life I could have if I just stopped running. It terrified me. And yet, it was the most grounded I’d felt in a long time.
“Thanks, Don,” I said, my voice barely more than a whisper.
He nodded, giving my shoulder one last firm squeeze before letting go. “Of course.”
We stood in silence for a while, just watching the stars as we smoked our cigars.
Maybe this was it—the come to Jesus moment I needed. Despite the past I couldn’t shake, there was something real waiting for me, if only I had the guts to reach out and take it.
And for the first time, I thought maybe I was ready to try. It scared the shit out of me.
“I went out to the boys’ home,” I said.
“Really?”
“Yeah. That was a blast from the past.”
“Not a good blast, I imagine.”
“It reminded me of some of the darkest moments of my life. I have done a good job burying those memories, but they came roaring back the minute I saw that shithole. I’m not going to lie, I broke in.”
He chuckled. “I don’t think anyone is going to notice.”
“You’ve been out there?”
He nodded slowly. “A few times.”
I blew out a cloud of smoke. “It looked different, haunted almost. I went upstairs and kicked a few things around.”
“Places like that, they don’t forget the pain they’ve seen. Neither do the people who lived through it.”
I flicked the ash off my cigar, watching it scatter in the wind. “Do you think it’s possible to really move on, Don? To leave all that behind and just be happy?”
“Cassidy, moving on doesn’t mean you forget or that it doesn’t still hurt. It means you’re not letting it hold you back anymore. You learn from those experiences, and you use them to make sure you don’t make those same mistakes.”
I nodded, mulling over his words. “Sounds simple when you put it that way. Thing is, I don’t know how to be a parent. My only experience with parenting is the people that ran that orphanage. And let’s be honest, they were horrible. I have no earthly clue how to be a dad. I don’t want to fuck it up. I don’t want to screw up a kid because I’m a failure.”
“It’s not simple.” Don’s voice was gruff. “It’s damn hard. But there are plenty of people that figured out how to be a good parent. God preprogrammed us with instincts that are very powerful.”
He took a pull from his cigar, the glow briefly lighting up his face. “You’ve got people around you who can help. Karen has never been a mother. No one is a parent until that first kid.”
I looked back at the window where Karen was now talking to the owner of the laundromat. “I guess I’m afraid of messing it up because of how much it matters,” I said.
“That’s exactly why you’ll do better than you think,” Don said. “Fear is a great teacher if you let it guide you. You’re worried about messing up because you care, and caring is the first step to doing anything right. You might not know it, but you already love that little nugget.”
The words offered a strange kind of comfort.
“Don, I don’t want to disappoint you.”
“Quitting without trying would disappoint me.”