Chapter 55
CHAPTER 55
KAREN
I sipped the ginger ale, watching people sway to the easy beat of a country song I didn’t know. I was surrounded by love. Young couples just starting out and elderly couples living out their golden years together. I envied them.
Their love and companionship felt like a distant dream to me, something unattainable given my current condition.
I scanned the room and caught an elderly couple on the dance floor. The woman’s silver hair was tied back in a bun. Her husband held her close, whispering something that made her laugh. Tears sprang to my eyes.
I thought about Cassidy. I didn’t know if I would ever find that kind of love. I thought maybe Cassidy could have been that man, but that was over. I couldn’t be with a man that wanted nothing to do with my child. Our child.
I was lost in thought, wondering how the heck I was going to get through the next eight months without losing my mind when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
I turned around and saw Cassidy. I honestly didn’t want to see him. I had nothing to say to him. Being around him drained me. I couldn’t deal with seeing him and knowing I would never have him.
“Can I have this dance?” he asked with a hint of a smile.
I stared at him. There was no way he was asking me to dance. “Are you drunk?” I asked.
He smirked. “No. Dance with me. Please.”
His hand was held out, and after a few seconds, I finally took it. He put his hand on my back, but he was barely touching me. It reminded me of someone trying to hold something fragile.
“Cassidy, I’m pregnant, not glass.”
He let out a laugh. His smile made my heart do a little flip. The smile looked natural. He settled his hands on my waist like we were at a middle school dance. I didn’t say anything. I told myself to simply enjoy the moment. We moved in a slow, swaying rhythm. I quieted all the noise in my head telling me to stay away from him. My heart was already broken. There was only so much I could take.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” Cassidy said. “I’m sorry for everything. The way it all went down. I should have done better.”
I smirked, unable to resist teasing him. “Imagine how I feel. I’m going to go up a shoe size. My favorite denim shorts won’t fit this summer. Or possibly ever again,” I added, the horror of that realization just hitting me. “I’m going to be poked and prodded for the next eight months. And at the end of all this, I have to push a bowling ball out of me.”
Cassidy chuckled as I cleared my throat, cheeks burning. I glanced away, laughing a little too, realizing it felt good to talk openly about the madness of it all. “It’s a lot to process,” I said, looking into his eyes. “Like, a lot.”
“Are you scared?”
“Terrified,” I said without missing a beat. “Every day, I wake up with this growing sense of losing control. And you know I’m not exactly the kind of person who likes losing control or does it gracefully.”
He shook his head, chuckling softly. “You don’t say?”
Rolling my eyes, I relaxed a little more, resting my hands on his shoulders as we swayed to the music. “Look,” I said, glancing down at my feet before meeting his gaze. “I’m sorry for what I said to you… you know, in the heat of the moment. You were scared, and so was I, and I shouldn’t have lashed out.”
“You had every right to be angry, Karen.”
I smiled, knowing he wasn’t wrong. “I know. That’s why I’m not apologizing for being angry. I’m apologizing for the hurtful things I said. I never want to be mean.”
Cassidy nodded again. “I am too,” he said.
For a moment, we just moved. There was a lot I wanted to say. Part of me wondered if it was worth saying at all.
“I don’t want to hold on to any resentment, Cassidy,” I said, looking him in the eye. “This baby deserves better than that, and I won’t let that kind of energy carry through to them. It’s okay for you to feel the way you do, to not want this. It’s a huge change, and it wasn’t in your plan. I get that. We all get to make our own decisions and you’ve made yours. I have to respect that. My opinions about your decisions don’t matter.”
Cassidy was quiet. I wondered if I just stoked the flames of our earlier argument. That was not my intention. I truly didn’t want to make him feel bad. I had made peace with his decision. I wasn’t going to carry his baggage.
“No, it wasn’t in my plan. But maybe my plan was shitty. And maybe it needs an edit. Best laid plans and all that.”
I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But I thought maybe I heard something in his tone that implied he had a change of heart. I was afraid to say anything and break the spell.
But I was not known for letting things go.
“What are you saying?” I asked, breathless, barely daring to believe what he might mean.
“I’m saying maybe you should take a red pen to my plans of living and dying alone at Rocking Horse Ranch.”
My eyebrows shot up. I felt a thrill of disbelief, followed immediately by skepticism. I was afraid to let him get my hopes up. “Are you serious?” I asked. “Because you can’t give me hope and then take it back, Cassidy. I can’t have the rug pulled out from under me. If we’re doing this…”
“We have to be all in,” he finished, nodding slowly. “I know.”
My heart was pounding. I could feel tears burning the backs of my eyes. I blinked a few times to clear them away. “Are you sure?” I whispered, my voice barely more than a breath. “I don’t want to do this with someone that doesn’t want it. I might not agree with you about walking away, but I’m not about to beg you to stay. The last thing I want is for our baby to feel like an obligation. I won’t do that to our child.”
“I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, realizing that fear was driving most of my decisions. Fear of change, of responsibility, of not being enough. I am not the kind of guy that is usually afraid of anything. I’m not going to let my fear hold me back.”
“I can’t have you half in, Cassidy.” I pressed my lips together and debated telling him I’d made some decisions as well. “I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
I cleared my throat. “I’m going home. I talked to Uncle Don and let him know I need to be back in Dallas to do this. I’m going to need the support.”
“I want to be a part of this, Karen. I want to be a part of your life and our child’s life. You’re right, it wasn’t in my plans, but maybe it’s time I scrapped my plans and accepted the detour in front of me.”
“I want to believe that, but you had a pretty visceral reaction to the news.”
“I know,” he said. “Come with me. I can’t have this conversation with everyone around us.”
He led me off the dance floor and out of the hall. We found ourselves in my uncle’s office. I could still hear the music but it was muffled.
“I’m scared out of my mind, Karen. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know the first thing about being a parent, but I do know I have people I love, people who love me, who can help guide me when I need it. There are a million books out there and Don says we have natural instincts to help guide us through the parenting thing. I believe him.”
The emotion in his voice nearly broke me. I couldn’t help myself. I lifted my hands to his face, brushing my thumbs over the stubble on his cheeks, feeling overwhelmed by everything. “Well, I’m one of those people who loves you, Cassidy. Desperately.”
He stared at me for several seconds. Now, it was his turn to look thrown off. He was trying to decide if he could trust the words I’m saying.
He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. The kiss was soft and sweet at first, but then he pulled me closer, one hand wrapping around my waist. He rested the other on the back of my neck as he deepened the kiss. My toes curled in the heels pinching my feet. I could feel my heart pounding so hard I thought it might burst. The taste of him made me feel like I’d finally come home after the worst vacation ever. I could taste the whiskey on his tongue. It’s as close to alcohol as I’m going to get for the next eight months.
When we finally broke apart, he pressed his forehead to mine. “I love you too.”
The words hit me harder than I expected. I loved him, but I never expected him to say he loved me. That was almost too much to hope for.
Cassidy loved me.
He was ready to take this leap with me, no matter how scary it was. And it was absolutely terrifying. But if we did it together, it felt a lot less scary.
“I’m going to need help with all this, you know,” I said, trying to regain my composure but feeling a smile stretch across my face. “Baby classes, probably a crash course in fixing leaky diapers, not to mention the small detail of learning how to, you know, raise a whole person.”
Cassidy chuckled. “I’m right here, Karen. And for the record, I’m just as clueless as you are. But we’ll figure it out. I’ve heard kids are resilient. At least that’s what people tell me.”
I laughed and shook my head. It was too crazy to even contemplate. “I seriously hope we can keep this poor child alive.”
“We’ll have lots of help. Maybe too much. Everyone is going to have their own idea about how to do this.”
“It’s so wild to think of myself as a parent,” I said.
“No shit. How are you feeling for real?”
“I’m fine. I have morning sickness that likes to sneak up on me when I least expect it. I’m drinking a lot of ginger ale and ginger tea. I went to the doctor the other day.”
He looked genuinely surprised. “You did?”
“I did. Dr. Wells. Ginny went with me. She said he’s like the baby guru around here.”
“I didn’t know,” he said quietly. “I should have known.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to feel like I was pressuring you.”
“No, I mean, I should have known because I should have asked. I’m sorry about that. What did the doctor say? Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I need to go back in a few weeks. I got some bloodwork and it’s all good. And, well, I got to hear the heartbeat.”
His eyes practically popped out of his head.
“Really?” Cassidy’s voice was full of wonder and disbelief. “You heard it? Our kid’s heartbeat?”
I nodded. “Yeah. It was the most real thing I’ve ever heard.”
He looked as if he was trying to imagine it. “I want to be there next time. Please, let me come with you.”
“Of course,” I said, squeezing his hand. “I’d like that.”
He kissed me once again. “Come on, let’s get back out there. You put on one hell of a party. I think it’s a huge success.”
“It wasn’t me. It was your idea. All of us worked our asses off to pull it together.”
“Let’s enjoy it together.”