This is Me Trying (Evergreen Ridge)

Chapter 34

Riley

I feel like I’m going to vomit. I can’t believe I just did that. Finn is going to hate me forever for talking to his mother that way, but I just couldn’t stand there and allow her to speak about him like that. He has quickly become the most important person in my life, and I couldn’t handle what she was saying after everything Finn has done for me. Especially after the way he had my back with my father; I had to do the same for him. Something came over me and I snapped.

I can feel the panic rising, and I don’t want it to happen here. It’s been an amazing night, minus the incident with his mother. I don’t want to have a panic attack in front of all these people. I try my best to even out my breathing when I feel a steadying hand on my back and he whispers in my ear, “Come on. Let’s go outside to the courtyard.” I nod my head and follow him as he weaves us in and out of people until we reach our destination in the cobblestone courtyard.

He leans down to look me in the eye and puts both hands on my shoulders. “Breathe with me, Riley. In, out, in, out. That’s good. You’re doing great, baby. Again. In, out, in, out.” I can feel my breath evening out, and I couldn’t be more thankful for the tenderness of this big burly man in front of me.

“Thank you, I think I’m doing better. I am so sorry, Finn. I can’t believe I did that. I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry for what? Almost having a panic attack?”

“No, the way I spoke to your mother. It was so out of line, and I’m so—”

He cuts me off by grabbing my face and slamming his lips to mine. I could tell he was being mindful of my red lipstick all night, but that is out the window as he kisses me like a man starved. Now my head is dizzy for a whole other reason. His tongue sweeps into my mouth, and I suck on it the way he loves. He lets out a low growl before letting me go and pressing his forehead to mine.

“Riley, you throwing my mother out of this place was probably the hottest thing I have ever witnessed.”

My brow furrows in confusion. “Really? You’re not angry with me?”

“Angry? No way. I want to give you a reward for what you did in there. Seriously, Riley, no one in my life has ever stood up for me the way you did in there. All my life, I’ve gone around thinking that there was something inherently wrong with me for my parents to treat me the way they do. That I’ve never been good enough. These past months with you, and what you said in there, mean more to me than you could ever know.”

I feel tears welling up in my eyes because how could this amazing man think that he wasn’t good enough? He is the sun that chases away all the storm clouds that seem to follow me around.

“Hey, don’t cry, especially not tonight. I’m fine, really, and you have nothing to worry about with my mom. She doesn’t even like me, so you can’t expect her to like you.”

I snort a laugh at that and wipe the lone tear from my cheek. “Okay, let’s forget about it tonight.”

He pulls something out of his pocket and I tense up. Of course he notices, and he says, “Calm down, Riles, it’s not what you’re thinking, but I’m hoping it’s something that will make you happy, and it’ll be something to remember this night by. This amazing accomplishment of yours and finishing your first big project of Evergreen Flats.”

He opens the box, and I let out a gasp. I can feel my hands trembling. Sitting inside the box is a vintage teardrop necklace with the tiniest diamond in the middle. It looks so much like my mother’s necklace. I have no clue how he got it so right.

“Finn, oh my gosh, it looks just like it.”

“It is it,” he says, smiling.

Now I’m crying again. I thought for sure that this was a lost cause and it was gone forever. “How did you do it?”

He winces. “You don’t want to know. We’ll talk about that another time, but not tonight. Tonight, all you have to think about is that you have it back. You have this piece of her back that you can wear every day and have her close to your heart. Even though you don’t need this for her to be with you, I know it was something that was important to you.”

“Thank you so much. I don’t know that I could ever put into words how much this means to me, truly.”

“Turn around,” he says, making a spinning motion with his hand.

I obey, and he clasps the necklace to my neck, then he leans down and kisses me on the spot that drives me crazy, right underneath my ear.

“Let me see it on you.”

I turn back around, and the look on his face takes my breath away. He is looking at me so tenderly, I almost can’t stand it, but I force myself to soak it in.

“You look absolutely stunning, Riley.” He’s looking around, kind of shy now, and my heart is beating out of my chest. “Like I’ve said before, I’ve gone my whole life being made to feel like I’m not good enough. Like I have something to prove with my career. To prove that I’m not dumb and that I can make something of myself. You, Riley, make me feel that I’m enough. You make me feel that I don’t have to prove anything, that I’m already enough the way I am, and I can’t put into words how much that means to me.

“I knew from the moment that I saw you scowling at me in that coffee shop that I wanted to know you. Now I feel like I do know you, and you are the kindest, bravest, strongest woman I have ever met in my life, and I am falling, or have already fallen, so madly in love with you, Riley Fields.”

He’s looking at me with the most hopeful eyes, and it’s killing me inside. Do I love him? I think so. Do I truly know what love is? I don’t know, and that’s what I’m struggling with in this moment. To me, love has always been temporary and conditional, and this thing with Finn feels anything but that. He doesn’t feel temporary or conditional; he feels like everything. He feels all consuming.

My thoughts are going a million miles a minute. I have no idea how long I’m standing there, and when I look up, something cracks in my chest as I see the look on Finn’s face. He looks crushed. He just cut himself open and bled for me, and I didn’t even give him a bandage. I’m leaving him to bleed out, but I don’t know what else to do or say. I’m too in my head and I’m too scared. I’m trying to form words, but nothing is coming out.

Finally, I’m able to get myself together enough to say one thing, something that will haunt me forever. “I have to go.”

“Riles—”

“No, I can’t do this right now. I have to go.”

I can’t force myself to look at him because I know his wound will become mine, and I don’t know if I can bleed out right now. I don’t know if I will survive it. I don’t know where to go. I can’t go back inside, but I came here with Finn, so I just start walking. I walk and I walk and I walk. I don’t know for how long before a car comes driving up next to me, and it’s Chloe.

“Riles.” She stops the car and hops out, grabbing me by both of my shoulders. “Riles, it will be okay. Everything will be okay. Let’s just get in the car, and I’ll take you home. Let’s get you home, okay?”

I say nothing, but I let her guide me into the car ,and I don’t remember a single thing but the shattered look on the face of the man I think I love but don’t deserve.