Through the Flames (The Lost Letters #1)

14. Lilly

Chapter 14

Lilly

“ H old on. Hear me out.” Cassie shoots up from the couch, her pointer finger in the air.

“Noooo.” I groan. “You cannot tell me that Damon is hotter than Stefan!”

“Yes, he is! Stefan starts out all swoony and cute, but he’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve Elena. Damon, on the other hand, never tried to be something he’s not, which makes him infinitely hotter.”

“But Damon sabotages them!”

“They were doomed from the beginning.”

I roll my eyes while an episode of The Vampire Diaries plays in the background. The number of times we’ve had this damn argument is astounding.

“You know who might be hotter than both?” Cassie asks after a minute.

“Klaus,” we say simultaneously, then descend into hysterical giggles.

I take a sip of my soda. Words I’ve been dying to say press against my lips, threatening to spew from my mouth. Cassie came over for dinner tonight, and from the minute she walked in the door, I wanted to tell her about Noah.

I never realized how desperate I’ve been to have a girlfriend in my life again. I’ve been so focused on Nellie that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to share girl talk and commiserate with another woman about how shitty life can be sometimes.

“I slept with Noah,” I blurt out.

Cassie chokes on her drink. “Warn a girl next time.” She coughs. “Jesus.”

“Sorry,” I say, with a sheepish expression.

“You fucked Noah? When?”

“That night I went to Donna’s. We’d been drinking and made this stupid bet. Bing bang boom, I was naked.”

Cassie drops her head back in a laugh. “Oh, my God. That’s priceless.” She raises an eyebrow. “How was it?”

“So hot I almost melted. Until it ended in me bawling my eyes out.”

“Hold on. What? What did that asshole do now?”

“Turns out… he’s not the asshole we thought he was. He never knew about Nellie.”

Disbelief crosses Cassie’s face. “Sure.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but I actually believe him.” I tell Cassie the whole story from beginning to end.

As the words pour out, Cassie’s jaw drops further. “That’s insane! And as awful as it sounds, I can sooo see your mom doing it.”

“Right?”

“So all this time, he wasn’t being a jerk about Nellie; he was just heartbroken.” Cassie’s eyes fill with tears. “God, Lilly. How awful for you both. I’m so sorry.”

I shrug. “It is what it is. There’s nothing we can do about it now.” I fiddle with the blanket over my lap.

“What’s going to happen now? Have you guys talked since then?”

“Yeah, we had dinner last night. He says he wants to get to know Nellie.”

“That’s good, right?”

I look up at Cassie. “Is it? What if he decides she’s too much effort and ghosts us again? I want her to get to know her dad, but I’d never forgive myself if he hurt her.”

“It’s a risk. I can understand why you’d be hesitant. But if what he said is true, he didn’t ghost you. I always thought the whole situation was weird. Noah’s actions just didn’t fit the guy I knew. Plus, he hasn’t dated anyone since he came home from the academy. The torch he still holds for you is bright, babe. I can’t see him giving up his chance to be with you and get to know your little girl.”

I shake my head. “He doesn’t want anything to do with me. Of that, I’m sure. His interest lies solely on Nellie.”

Cassie gives me a look. “Lilly, that man was head over heels in love with you. There’s no way he doesn’t want you back. He slept with you the first chance he got! Did he specifically say anything to the contrary?”

“Not exactly. It’s more what he didn’t say. We’re sticking around town for a while to give him a chance to spend time with Nellie. If he wanted me, too, he’d have included me in his plans.”

“Or he figured that by getting to know Nellie, he’d also get a chance to woo you, as well.”

“Even if that’s true, it’s not a good idea. This situation is complicated enough. If we added a relationship into the mix, it would only make things harder.”

“Isn’t getting it hard the goal?” Cassie smirks.

I snort. “Shut up. You know that’s not what I meant.”

She laughs before growing serious again. “I just don’t want you to shut out the possibility of getting back together with him.” She ticks things off her fingers. “Neither of you has moved on since high school. You’re both living in the same town again, with no reason to leave. And you have a daughter who I’m sure would love to have her parents get back together.”

While her points are valid, they don’t ease my anxiety about starting a relationship with Noah. The last time we did this, my feelings were all-consuming. I’m not sure I could go through another breakup and survive. The only reason I made it through before was because of Nellie. All of my attention went into raising her. I compartmentalized my hurt to focus on Nellie’s needs. I’m not sure I’d have the capacity to do that again.

“I’m scared,” I whisper.

“You’d be an idiot not to be.” Cassie grabs my hand. “But this could also be your chance at happily ever after. Don’t push it away just because you could get hurt. Life is full of risk. Every choice you make has consequences—both good and bad. That doesn’t mean you should stop living to avoid the bad.”

“I know you’re right, but that doesn’t make it any easier.”

“No, it doesn’t. It’s easy for me to say all that while I’m sitting in the bleachers. Side character energy all the way, baby.”

Cassie says it as a joke, but there’s an undercurrent of disappointment in her words I can’t miss. “You, my gorgeous friend, have always been a main character. Some lucky guy… or girl, you never know”—Cassie laughs at my tease—“will match your beautiful soul.”

“Somedays, the loneliness is too much to bear. I thought staying in Sonoma would help me stay close to my parents, but I wonder if getting out would’ve been better.” She shrugs as if she’s fluffing off the sadness. “It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s not like I’m going anywhere. I am happy, you know.”

I wrap both my arms around her bicep as if I’m hugging it. “I do. And any time the loneliness becomes too much, I’ll be here by your side. Nellie and I aren’t going anywhere either.”

“It’s really good to have you home.”

“As much as I dreaded coming back here at first, I’m really happy to be home.”