Chapter 30
Lilly,
I’m so fucking lonely, Bumblebee. And that only makes me angrier at you.
This hold you have on me needs to end. If I have any hope at all, these ties need to be severed.
I think this will be my last letter to you. I thought they were helping me purge my feelings for you, but I think they’re just allowing me to hold on to you a little tighter. This is the only connection I have to you anymore. And it’s not even real. How pathetic is that?
Cody and Rachel got engaged tonight. He’d been freaking out about settling down, so I’m glad he finally found the courage to dive in. He’s confessed to me about how much he worries about becoming like his bio dad. I can’t say I blame him. I didn’t come from the best stock either, but luckily for me, my past never came back to haunt me the way his did.
I got to live in the bubble of happiness my parents created for me. I do wonder sometimes if I inherited any of my biological parents’ traits. I don’t remember much about living with my mom, other than the drugs. That’s probably for the best in the end. I’m not too hung up on the things I can’t change.
If only I could have the same attitude about you.
I’d let you go in a heartbeat if I could.
Okay, that’s a lie. After all this time, I should be honest with myself. A part of me never wants to let you go because I’m not really sure who I am without you. Even though you aren’t here physically, I still have your voice in my head. What will happen when that finally goes away? Will I be the shell of a man I feel like I am now, or will something fill the hole you left?
Yours,
N