To Live Among Wolves (Legends of Arcadia Book 1)

Chapter 21

The sweet aroma of tree sap pulled me from the heaviness of sleep that gripped my limbs. Adjusting my eyes to the gray light, I tried to remember if I’d had any dreams. I couldn’t recall anything specific and took that as a good sign.

Having no dreams felt better than having bad ones.

I shifted from my spot in Silas’s bed. The blankets were warm and the morning held a comfortable chill. Autumn had edged her way past summer even within the magical borders of Arcadia.

I slid my arms under the pillow, burying my face in the silky fabric.

“Good morning.” A familiar, tenor voice broke the silence.

I rolled to my side, squinting my eyes at Silas who sat at the small table with breakfast and two steaming cups in front of him.

“Good morning,” I mumbled.

I swear I could feel his chuckle from across the room. His voice had this timber to it that rattled between my ribs.

“Tea?”

“At what point in Arcadian history will y’all learn to make coffee?” I pulled myself to a sitting position.

“Tea is better for you.”

I tried to gauge his expression and raised an eyebrow. “You’ve never had coffee, have you?”

“Never.” He smiled. “You’ll have to make some for me sometime.”

I slid out of the bed and sat across the table from him, noticing an open book resting on his knee. “What’s that?”

Silas shrugged. “Books of glyphs and runes, the older written language of Arcadia before the Ancient Tongue.”

“Ancient Tongue being the language that the Compendium is written in?”

He nodded.

I picked up an apple from the spread of fruits, cheeses, and bread. “Will you teach me?”

His face crinkled with his pensive expression. “You want to learn the Ancient Tongue?”

It was my turn to shrug, swallowing a bite of apple. “If I’m to be the Queen of Arcadia, it only makes sense to learn as much as I can. And besides, how am I supposed to research if I have to keep pestering the king to translate?”

His frown melted when he inhaled. “I suppose you’re right. It’s only fair, after all. I’ll have Caroline bring you some books.”

He sipped his tea, and I took the opportunity to study him. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair lay flat against his head. That bright, vivid green in his eyes had dimmed a little.

“How did you sleep?” I cupped the steaming mug of tea, averting my eyes from his, hoping he’d take my bait.

“Fine until…” He swallowed like it hurt to say it out loud. “One of the Seers had a vision of sorts.”

“Seers? Like Aubrey and Ransom?”

“Ransom, yes.”

I glanced up at him. The muscles tightened in Silas’s jaw as he sat his mug back on the table and tore into a piece of bread.

“What did he have to say?” My heart stuttered. Whatever Ransom had seen must’ve unnerved Silas if he acted like this. Or maybe Silas didn’t like Ransom. Or maybe waking up in the middle of the night two nights in a row left him sleep deprived.

Silas jerked his head as if dismissing it but cleared his throat. “Warnings about Nyx.” He licked his lips. “I need to sit down with Caroline and Nash. Figure out our tactics.”

“Can I help at all? It’s driving me crazy being useless.”

He met my gaze, eyebrows raised. “All I need for you is to read as much as you can. I want your perspective on everything. There may be something I’m missing.”

“But I thought if I joined your meeting that maybe I could–”

“Eden.” He held his hand up, silencing me with a glance. “I need you to be researching, not talking in circles with us.” He exhaled and turned his eyes on me again, green even duller now. “I need you, Eden. You’re the key to ending this.”

“But I’m only human.”

“Exactly. You’re human.”

I took another sip of tea, letting the woody taste and warmth slip through me. “If this is what will help you.”

He stood. “See you at lunch?”

I nodded.

He sighed something sounding like relief, stepping over and kissed the top of my head. With a small smile, he ducked out of his room into Guardian’s Glade.

Yesterday, I might have hoped he’d kiss me, but today I wanted things to be different. I wanted to be a part of this, regardless of the consequences.

And I wanted him to trust me like he did his siblings despite their differences.

I want to feel like I belong.

My stomach twisted at the realization, and all of the sudden, the room spun in front of my eyes. I blinked a few times, pushing away the tea and breakfast. I thought back to my childhood, all the years spent like an outsider, never invited to parties or movies, never included in group projects or conversations, alone at the cafeteria.

Alone.

Is it that I’d wanted—more friends? More control? To fit in?

No.

I wanted to belong without changing a single piece of me. I wanted to belong by being myself and not pretending to be something I wasn’t.

“That’s what this is,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. “This is all pretend.”

My body burned hot and ached as tears slid down my cheeks. My hands shook. My body felt altogether weak and sick.

This is all pretend.

This is all pretend.

This is all pretend.

Maybe I doubted too much.

Or maybe I had believed so hard that werewolves existed that I convinced myself of this complete delusion. Maybe my body lay strewn across the leafy floor of the forest in the State Park. Maybe Arcadia and Silas and betrothal were my brain’s way of hallucinating through hypothermia.

Maybe this was dying.

Because none of this could be real. No way I could be a queen. No way I could be a wife. No way I could be friends with wolves. No way I could belong to this place.

I snapped my eyes open.

A rustling at the door caught my attention a moment before it opened.

“Good morning,” a golden voice sang. Caroline stepped to Silas’s desk, dropping four thin booklets and a larger tome with a thud.

She turned and frowned. “Eden, what’s wrong?”

I shook my head, willing myself to stop shaking. I failed. Instead, my chin shook and the floodgates opened.

In a moment, Caroline led me to sit on Silas’s bed, pulling me into a warm embrace. I released everything, sobbing against her shoulder, the tang of lemon and dirt fresh on her robes. I squeezed my arms around her shoulders, not wanting to be alone like this.

It felt good to have a sister, a friend.

Eventually, my breaths evened out, and my tears stopped coming. Caroline moved away to take a good look at me.

“What happened?”

I shook my head, not knowing where to start. “I can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what?”

I shrugged, my robe sleeves slipping over my skin. “Any of this. Be a queen, marry Silas, stop a war, fight Nyx.”

“Where is this coming from?”

“I’m not good enough for Arcadia. I’m not good enough for Silas. I’m not strong like you. I’m not even that special. I guarantee that you could pick any girl in Tennessee, and she’d be the same as—if not better—than me.”

Caroline smiled, shaking her head. “But then she wouldn’t be Eden.”

I threw a hand in the air. “Exactly.”

Caroline tilted her head to the side. “Arcadia would miss Eden very much if we picked a random girl.”

I shook my head but said nothing.

Caroline stood and walked to the desk, taking one of the smaller booklets. “Silas told me to bring these to you. He said you wanted to learn the Ancient Tongue. I am impressed by you and your attitude in all of this. You are brave, you know.”

“How am I brave? I’m crying about my inadequacy, and I’m scared of my own dreams.”

Caroline raised an eyebrow. “Dreams aren’t something to be taken lightly. My, uh—Markus—the one you met the other day, is a Seer. He’s always told me that dreams can reveal a lot about a person.”

“I still don’t see how I’m brave.”

“In time, you will.” She placed the book in my hands. “Start with this. Come find me if you need any help, okay? I’ll be in the Yard.”

And with the air of a bird in flight, she glided from the room.

I opened the booklet, curious about what lay between the pages. The first part had been inked in English, tight boxy letters introducing the concept of the Ancient Tongue and why it should be kept. Apparently, the animals in the Appalachian Mountain range spoke the Ancient Tongue, but as far as I knew, whitetail deer hadn’t made any noises similar to the words Silas had spoken the night before.

But maybe it was like the mental conversations with Iain. Maybe there weren’t physical words involved, but mental communication in the old language.

With a mix of excitement and anxiousness, I dove into my studies, knowing that I couldn’t surface until I’d mastered at least something.

I’d prove myself worthy of Arcadia even if it killed me.