Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
RORY
I sat on my front porch swing, glass of wine in hand as I rocked in time to the quiet call of the whippoorwills. In recent days, this had become my routine while the girls were at their daddy’s. As soon as I got home from work—either town hall or a job site—I’d slip out on to the porch and camp for the rest of the evening simply because it made me feel close to Nash in the only way that was safe for my heart.
It didn’t help that I saw touches of him in every corner of my house. In the newly refinished kitchen cabinets. In the absence of the rooster wallpaper. In the crown moulding he’d helped me put up. My home was finally something to be proud of, and not a room inside had been untouched. Every wall was painted the exact color I wanted, and I’d painstakingly picked out the smallest details in every nook and cranny.
My home was perfect, even by my incredibly high standards. But the funny thing was, it’d felt more like a home months ago when it’d been in shambles simply because Nash and my girls had filled it with laughter and love.
I’d screwed that up, though, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
It’d only been four days since Nash had shown up on my front porch, acting like more of an adult than I’d been. Than I’d ever given him credit for. He’d been calm and rational when I’d felt like I’d gone off the damn rails.
He’d been right, though. I didn’t know who I was, and I had no business being in a relationship of any kind until I figured that out.
I ran my thumb up and down the screen of my phone, debating with myself if I should reach out to him. I wanted to. Desperately. The only problem was I had no idea what I’d say.
You were right.
I’m sorry.
I’m a mess.
Please forgive me.
Please…please wait for me.
Instead, I pulled up a group text between me, Will, and Mac. They’d stayed with me the night of Gran’s party, after they’d taken me home from The Willow Tree. All three of us had piled into my bed as we’d laughed and talked and stayed up until all hours of the morning watching mindless TV.
Nothing had been solved—I hadn’t had a sudden epiphany on how to make things work between Nash and me, but I’d felt…peaceful. Surrounded by my sisters, I’d felt peace.
Here, alone, swaying on the porch swing Nash made for me while my daughters spent the night with their new, expanded family, I didn’t feel an ounce of it, and I needed to. Just a bit.
Rory:
What are y’all up to?
I stared at my phone, hoping at least one of them would text me right back. After several minutes with no response, I blew out a deep breath, set the device next to me on the cushion, and took a long drink of my wine. I closed my eyes, dropped my head back on my shoulders, and forced out everything but the sounds of my home. Grasshoppers and whippoorwills and mourning doves and…a motor?
I lifted my head and glanced toward the noise, squinting in the waning light. The sound got louder until a small white golf cart whipped around and skidded to a halt in my driveway, a plume of dust billowing behind it.
Will tumbled out, gripping the side of the cart and looking like she was about three seconds away from vomiting all over the driveway. “Were we in some kind of timed race I wasn’t aware of? Holy shit, Mac.”
Mac stepped out and rounded the front of the cart, carrying a six-pack of beer. “I got your ass here safe and sound, didn’t I?”
“Barely,” Will mumbled as she climbed the front porch steps.
“I didn’t realize I was cartin’ around such a delicate petal. I’ll get you a helmet for your next ride.”
I glanced from my sisters to the golf cart currently parked behind my very used Honda, my eyebrows raised. “Since when do you have a golf cart?”
“Since Gary bet me he knew more baseball stats than me,” Mac said.
My mouth dropped open. “And you held him to it?”
“Of course. It’s not my job to babysit every dumb-ass man in this town. That’s what they’ve got mommas for. ’Sides, I wasn’t gonna pass it up. It only takes three minutes to get from my house to yours this way. The girls are gonna love it.” Mac set down her six-pack, cracked one open, and settled on the swing next to me.
Without a word, Will slipped into the house and came out a minute later with her own wineglass and the bottle I’d opened earlier. She topped off mine and poured herself a good-sized amount before settling on my other side.
“Y’all didn’t have to come over, you know.” I tugged at the hem of my long-sleeved shirt, feeling uncomfortable and relieved at the same time. “If you had plans.”
Mac snorted. “Yeah, I was gonna have a riveting time tonight fallin’ asleep in front of the TV. Again.”
“Shouldn’t you be out livin’ it up? Findin’ a nice boy to have some fun with? You’re not even thirty.”
“I keep tellin’ her that,” Will said. “But she doesn’t even wanna look. Hasn’t had more than a passing interest since?—”
“Will,” Mac warned in a low voice.
I split a look between the two of them, my brow furrowed. “Since…what?”
In the past year, I’d come to realize just how much of my sisters’ lives I’d missed out on. I’d gone away to college and had been in my own world, completely unconcerned about what was going on at home. I couldn’t get that time back, but I soaked up every tidbit of history I could get now.
Will lifted her brows, and Mac simply glared at her in response.
“I’m not sure what’s goin’ on, and I understand if it’s something you don’t want me to know, but—” I swallowed, my throat suddenly thick. It’d been like this on and off for days. Since Nash had stepped off my porch and walked away. I’d be fine. Totally and completely fine, going about my day as if nothing had changed. And then all of a sudden, the realization of what I’d lost came crashing down on me, and it was hard to even suck in a breath. “But I could use the distraction.”
I didn’t need to look up to know my sisters were having a silent conversation around me.
Finally, Mac sighed and slumped back against the swing. “ Fine .”
I turned toward her. “You’ll tell me?”
“A very brief and incredibly condensed version of the worst time of my life? Sure, why not.” Mac patted my knee. “And then you’re gonna tell us what’s been goin’ on.”
So, yeah… I’d, um…I’d kind of neglected to tell my sisters anything. At all. Like the fact that I’d been in a relationship with Nash for months, or that I was pretty sure I was in love with him, or that he’d left—not because of the myriad of issues trying to tear us apart, but because I couldn’t get my shit together enough to keep him.
The night my sisters had come home with me, they’d let me just be. They hadn’t pushed and I hadn’t offered up anything, and it’d been a wonderful respite while everything inside me had been a jumbled mess.
Everything was still a jumbled mess, but maybe that was part of why I’d texted my sisters in the first place. Maybe their insight would help me work through everything I needed to. Or at least point me in the right direction.
“Deal?” Mac asked, her eyebrows raised.
“Deal.”
Mac sighed and rested back against the cushion. “The week before I left for college, Hudson and I had a…thing.”
I blinked, then slowly twisted to face Mac. “Hudson. Miller. As in your best friend since elementary school? That Hudson?”
“The very one.”
“Define ‘a thing.’”
Mac shrugged and took a pull of her beer. “We slept together. He basically told me he loved me, and I told him the same. Then I left for the college we were supposed to attend together, and he…didn’t.” She said the words like she’d rehearsed them. Like they didn’t mean anything—like they’d happened to someone else.
“ And …”
“And…that’s it.”
“What do you mean, that’s it? Is that why y’all lost touch? Have you talked to him since? What’s he doin’ now?”
“Uh-uh,” Mac said, shaking her head. “I held up my end of the deal. It’s your turn.”
I huffed. “That’s hardly fair.”
“Consider it payback for you not tellin’ us a damn thing about what’s goin’ on.” Mac lifted her chin toward my wineglass. “Drink up if you need to. Your time for secrets is officially over.”
I drained the rest of my liquid sanity and closed my eyes, sure it’d be easier to say if I didn’t have to look at them. If I couldn’t see their reactions. On an exhale, I said, “I’ve been sleepin’ with Nash since July.”
When nothing but silence greeted me, I cracked one eye open, then the other, and glanced between my sisters. Will stared at me with an open mouth, and Mac smirked.
Mac reached around and held out her hand to Will. “Pay up.”
“Dammit.” Will leaned back and pulled a twenty from her jeans pocket before slapping it in Mac’s palm. “Next time, tip me off or something, Rory, will you?”
“What the hell?” I split a look between them. “Y’all bet on my misery?”
Mac snorted as she pocketed the cash. “It was real miserable fucking him, was it?”
“That part? Not in the slightest.” Nothing at all had been miserable about that. It’d been enlightening and nothing short of life-changing for me. And it hadn’t been only the sex that’d done that. I took a shaky breath and pressed my hand to my chest. How could it feel tight and hollow at the same time? “It’s the aftermath that hurts so bad.”
I hadn’t cried. Not once since Nash had walked away had I let the tears fall. But as my sisters wrapped their arms around me, I couldn’t stop the tears now. I let them flow down my face as I told Mac and Will everything. From that night last year at The Willow Tree when Nash had sat by me after I’d found Sean cheating, until the night Nash had stood right here on my porch before walking away.
On a quiet, shaky whisper, I admitted something aloud for the first time in my life. “I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want to do?” Will brushed a hand up and down my back.
I shook my head. “It’s not that easy.”
“Says who?”
“Says life. Things don’t just happen ’cause I want them to.”
Mac raised a brow. “I legitimately thought that’s how things worked for you until I was about fifteen.”
I breathed out a watery laugh. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen here.”
“Okay,” Will said, “if there weren’t any obstacles standing in your way, what would you want?”
The answer came to me without thought. I’d want Nash in my life. I’d want him there to watch scary shows with and then join me in bed, where he’d wrap me in his arms and keep me safe. I wanted him there to teach Ella how to build furniture and repair sinks and encourage her curiosity instead of stifling it. I wanted his tips on how I could find a knock-off of the dream bed Ava wanted that would fit in my budget. I wanted his arguments and his challenges and his smiles and his dirty, dirty words. I wanted to never ask him for help, but to know he’d be there anyway, reminding me I didn’t need him because I could do it myself.
I wanted him. By my side. For always.
“Him,” I said simply. “I’d want him.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Mac asked. “He’s into you, Rory. I think that’s pretty damn clear.”
“That’s not what the issue is.”
“Then what is?” Mac held up her hand in question. “Because from where I’m sittin’, it’s a case of you lettin’ everyone else in Havenbrook decide if you get to be happy or not. I figured you’d gotten enough of that between Daddy and your ex-husband, but maybe I’m wrong.”
“Mac,” Will said, a warning in her voice. “Don’t push.”
“Fuck that.” Mac shook her head. “I’m pushin’. Because if the tables were turned, she’d push us.” Mac slipped one leg under herself and twisted to face me. “I’m not tellin’ you what to do or how to do it. I’m just tellin’ you maybe you should stop lettin’ other people dictate your life and go for what you want. How many times have you given up something because of someone else?”
Ballet. My major in college. A career. Interior Design. Nash. Plus a million other small decisions that hadn’t even registered because it’d become so ingrained. For more than thirty years, I’d done exactly what everyone else expected of me because I’d thought that was what I had to do.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Mac said. “If he’s what you want, I say fuck everyone else. Fuck the people who say you’re too . Too old, too much, too demanding, too whatever.” She waved a hand in the air. “It’s all bullshit. You’re exactly the right amount. And Nash was the first man in your life to actually appreciate every ounce of that.”
Nash had been not just the first but the only man who’d shown me, time and again, that I was perfect just the way I was. Ironic that it’d happen after I’d vowed to let go of that unrealistic expectation of perfection.
But knowing he thought that wasn’t enough. I was still wrestling with shit I didn’t even understand, and I needed to work through it before I opened my life and my heart to someone else. I could only hope Nash was telling the truth when he’d said he’d be there when I figured everything out.