3. Oh shit …
Chapter 3
Oh shit …
Amelia
I feel like the living dead—assuming the living dead feel like their insides are fighting to break free from their skin.
I imagine I look just like all those zombies dragging their feet with their arms hanging loosely to their sides, shuffling along in hoards like they did on the set of Walking Dead . Except seeing another living human does not make me spring into action. The sight of Mom in the kitchen only makes me want to rush back to my room and crawl into bed.
“Hey sweetie,” she says with her typical morning cheer. I usually share it, but this morning all I can manage is a nod. I grab a coffee mug and pour myself a cup. The smell makes me cringe.
That’s new. I feel the scowl take over my expression as I stare at the cup.
I love coffee. The smell. The taste. The bitterness. It’s perfection in a cup and always brings me joy.
I shake my head and take a sip before I sit down at the table. Something about it doesn’t taste right, and I can’t pinpoint what. Maybe Mom got a new brand of coffee?
“Did you change something about the coffee?” I ask. My voice sounds a little rough and gravelly. I clear my throat, hoping I’m not catching a cold or sore throat.
“No, it’s the same as always,” she says as she lifts her own mug to her lips and takes a sip. “It tastes the same to me.”
I shrug and take another drink. I need an energy boost, and so far, this coffee is not doing it. If anything, it’s making me feel nauseous. I hate feeling nauseous.
“I’m making your dad scrambled eggs. Do you want some?” Mom asks. She just finished frying up some bacon, and the smell is not agreeing with me either. It makes no sense because I love bacon and coffee. They are two of my favorite things.
“With cheddar cheese?” I ask. She nods and grabs a couple more eggs out of the carton.
“Do you want toast?” she asks and then cracks the eggs on the counter before adding them to the bowl.
“Sure. Toast sounds good.”
She sets the plate of bacon on the table next to Dad’s chair. There’s enough there for all of us, and normally I’d grab a couple of pieces before Dad comes down for breakfast. If we don’t claim our bacon first, he’ll eat it all without shame.
But this morning the bacon doesn’t even look good. Forget how the smell is affecting me. I scowl at the plate, confused by this strange reaction.
Mom steps up next to my chair and places her hand on my forehead. “Are you feeling okay, dear?”
I shake my head. “Not particularly. I didn’t sleep well last night and now I feel blah.”
“Let me call your brother,” she says as she reaches for her phone. “He’ll make time for you.”
“No!” I reach out and grab her arm. My brother Aaron is a doctor and runs a small office in town out of his house. While he’ll always make time for family, his schedule is busy. “I don’t need to go see Aaron. Not yet, at least. I think this is just from lack of sleep.”
Mom stares at me, and I can tell from her expression that she wants to object. Instead, she sighs and heads back to the stove. “If you’re sure.”
“I am.” I pick up my coffee to hide my expression and immediately regret bringing it so close to my nose.
If Mom looks too closely, she’ll know I’m lying.
I am not okay.
Something is definitely not right with me today and it has nothing to do with a lack of sleep.
I take my time sipping my coffee, focusing hard on controlling my reaction every time the hot liquid hits my tongue. The taste is all wrong and my stomach is churning.
A few minutes later, Mom sets a plate of eggs and toasts in front of me. She adds two pieces of bacon to my plate and I involuntarily tense.
She furrows her brow. “Sweetie, you don’t look good at all. Maybe you should go back to bed. Get more rest.”
I take a deep breath. The smell of eggs and bacon causes my stomach to turn and I have to cover my mouth to keep from throwing up. I jump to my feet and shake my head.
“Maybe you’re right,” I say as I make my way out of the kitchen. “I’m gonna crawl back into bed for a bit. Save that for me?”
“Of course, dear,” Mom says before I disappear around the corner. “But are you sure I shouldn’t call your brother?”
“Yes!” I call back before I hit the stairs. I make it to the bathroom just in time to lock the door and fall to my knees in front of the toilet. I didn’t drink much, but all my coffee comes up along with whatever else remained in my stomach from the night before.
As soon as my body is done expelling my morning coffee, I wipe my mouth and flush down the evidence of my illness. Falling back against the wall, I take a few deep breaths.
What was that all about? Now that I’ve thrown up, I feel oddly better. And hungry.
I stare at the empty space in front of me while I process what just happened. I can’t say my body has ever reacted that way before. Shaking it off, I push to my feet and head to the sink. After pulling my hair back, I splash cold water on my face, and brush my teeth.
I’m still tired and feel like dragging my feet like a zombie, but my stomach feels fine.
I open the medicine cabinet to grab my face cream to reapply it now that I’ve washed it off. Instead of reaching for the cream, my eyes fixate on the pill pack next to it. My birth control.
Oh, my God. No!
I cover my mouth and slam the medicine cabinet shut.
“No, no, no, no,” I whisper several times before I lean down and open the cabinet below the sink. The lone box of tampons is unopened.
I pull it out and stare at it like it will somehow give me all the answers I seek, even though I don’t know what the question is that I should be asking. “Shit, when did I buy this?”
I squeeze my eyes closed and think. Ever since taking over ownership of the flower shop my life has been hectic. Time flies by without a thought and before I know it I’ve lost days, weeks, even months.
When was my last period? I can’t remember exactly, but I don’t like the realization that comes to me.
“Oh God.” I fall to the floor, struggling to breathe.
This can’t be happening. There is no way this is happening. It just can’t be.
I rack my brain for the answer I desperately need. I think I bought this box of tampons almost three months ago. How in the hell did I not notice that I missed my last period? Maybe two at this point.
I drop my head and press my palms on my forehead.
Recently, I ran out of birth control before I could get the doctor to renew my prescription.
How long ago was that? A month? Two months? Maybe longer.
I’d only gone a week without birth control before I started it up again. Christian and I were careful, though. We used condoms for a few weeks until it was safe again. Could we have screwed up?
“Fuck,” I say under my breath and stuff the box back in the cabinet. Then I rush to my bedroom and grab my phone.
I open up the group text with Nova and Hadley and send off a message.
Amelia
911
Nova
What did your brothers do now?
Hadley
Or is it your mom?
I smile despite the panic building inside me. My friends are always so quick to respond and support me in any way they can. But they’re going to freak over the bomb I’m going to drop on them today.
Amelia
Can you guys meet for lunch?
Hadley
Always!!! Meet at Frank’s?
Nova
I’m there!
Amelia
Not Frank’s. We need to go somewhere no one will know us.
Nova
Oh shit …
Hadley
…
Amelia
Oh shit is right.
Hadley
Okay, okay, okay. Whatever it is, it’ll be fine. We’ve got you.
Nova
Who do I need to kill?
Amelia
No one needs killing.
Though I may need a good talking to. I think I did something really stupid.
Hadley
I’m sure it’s fine.
Amelia
Ugh. It is not fine. Trust me.
Nova
Meet in Chillicothe? That’s far enough away that no one will recognize us.
Hadley
Oh, how about that burger joint we ate at a few months ago? It was good. No one knows us there.
Amelia
Perfect. Noon?
Nova
Works for me.
Hadley
Should we pick you up?
Amelia
No, I’ve got to run into work for a few hours first. I’ll meet you there.
Hadley
If you’re sure.
Amelia
I’m sure.
Hadley
Okay, see you then.
Nova
Soon!
Amelia
Thanks, ladies. You’re the best!
Hadley
Anything for you! Til my last breath.
Nova
Til my last breath.
Amelia
Til my last breath.
I smile at the last words we exchange. Nova, Hadley, and I have been best friends since kindergarten. We were placed at the same table on the first day of class and have been inseparable ever since. There isn’t anything we won’t do to protect each other.
When Nova asked who she needed to kill, she wasn’t exaggerating. We would kill for each other if it came to that and then help the other hide the body. We are each other’s ride-or-die, and we will be until we take our last breath.
I slide my phone into my back pocket and look around my room. The same room I’ve slept in since I was born. It’s changed a little over the years, but it’s still my childhood bedroom.
I never moved out when I turned eighteen like Nova and Hadley did. There aren’t a lot of rental options in Beaver, Ohio. Hell, there aren’t a lot of options in any of the neighboring communities either. We don’t have apartment complexes or an endless supply of houses for rent like large cities. It’s one of the reasons I’ve stayed at home all these years.
But my living situation will have to change if what I suspect is true. Hell, if I know my family, they’re going to disown me.
I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. My family’s response is a problem for another day.
Today’s problem is facing the hard reality that I might be pregnant with Christian Mutter’s baby. A man every member of my family despises.
And a man I’ve been in love with for years.
I’ve never felt this anxious before in all my life. Except for maybe those rare occasions when I find myself alone with Badger. Though his presence makes me feel things that are far worse than anxiety. He makes me feel terror.
He’s the reason I have anxiety. The memory of what he did to me keeps it alive and strong. I feel it every day. I almost hate him more for this anxiety than I do for what he tried to do to me.
Though I can’t blame him for the anxiety I feel about meeting my friends. Telling them the biggest secret I’ve ever kept from anyone is taking its toll.
My friends and I tell each other everything. They’re not going to understand why I didn’t trust them with this secret.
I didn’t trust anyone with it.
Not the truth of what Badger did to me or how it bound me to Christian forever.
No one will understand.
Not even my friends.
I turn off my car and force myself to get out. I’m about ten minutes late, and if I avoid going inside any longer, my phone will explode with messages from Nova and Hadley.
Honestly, I’m surprised they haven’t messaged me already. Hell, I’m surprised they didn’t come to the flower shop, pull me outside, and force me to talk. We don’t cry 911 unless something is seriously wrong. That they’ve waited a few hours for us to meet is a miracle.
I step inside the restaurant. The hostess says something to me, but her words don’t register. Instead, I look around until I spot my friends at a table all the way in the back.
“I see my friends,” I say and point in their direction. The hostess smiles and goes back to wiping down the stack of menus in front of her.
My heart pounds louder and faster with each step I take. I shouldn’t be this nervous. They won’t judge me or decide they hate me for what I’ve done. They might be upset at me for keeping Christian a secret, but hate me? Never. That’s not how our friendship works. They’ll support me and do whatever it takes to make sure I’m okay and taken care of.
“It’s about damn time,” Nova says in her typical no-nonsense way. “I was about to send out a search party.”
“Sorry. I got held up at work.” The lie slips right out as I take a seat opposite my friends. I instantly feel like shit. I don’t lie to my friends.
“What’s that look for?” Hadley asks.
I shake my head before hiding my face behind my hands. “Because that was a lie.”
“What was a lie?” Nova asks.
I let out a deep breath and sit back in my chair. “That I got held up at work. I didn’t. I’ve been sitting in my car, too nervous to come in to talk to you.”
“What?” Hadley’s voice cracks on the one-word question. The look of sadness on her face makes me feel even worse. “Why would you ever be nervous to talk to us?”
I have to look away. Making eye contact with them is too hard. “Because I’ve kept something a secret from you guys.”
My admission is met with silence. When I glance at them, they’re both staring at me with blank expressions, as if my words did not compute.
“Come again?” Nova raises a brow in question.
I huff and lean forward on my elbows. “I’ve been keeping something a secret from you guys for a little over two years now.”
“But why?” Hadley asks. The hurt in her voice is like a stab in the heart. Tears prick at my eyes. I squeeze them tight and fight to keep calm.
I take a deep breath before I meet their shocked gazes. “Because it’s something I never should have done.”
“You still could’ve told us.” Nova huffs and crosses her arms over her chest.
“I know.” Now my voice is the one to crack. My eyes sting again, and I squeeze them closed to avoid the tears.
“Then why didn’t you tell us?” Hadley asks. When I open my eyes and meet her stare, my tears win. Hadley is the most sensitive of our group. The sadness that overtakes her expression is too much for me.
I shrug. “It’s not because I don’t trust you. It’s just … Complicated.”
“Complicated how?” Nova snaps. She’s anything but sensitive. Nova is blunt and never beats around the bush. If she’s mad, everyone knows it. Right now, she is definitely mad.
I take one last deep breath and spit it out. “I’ve been sleeping with Christian Mutter.”
Neither of my friends speak. They just stare at me like I spoke a foreign language. Their expressions are wrought with an equal mix of hurt, confusion, and shock.
“Did you hear me?” I ask.
“Um, yeah.” Nova says. Her eyes widen as confusion and shock take over. “But what exactly does that mean? Are you having sex with him?”
“Yes!” I hiss. “What else does sleeping with a man mean?”
“Christian Mutter?” Nova says his name like it’s laced with poison. “That doesn’t make sense. You hate him.”
Something must change on my face because Nova’s eyes widen and Hadley gasps.
“You don’t hate him.” Hadley says just before she hides a faint smile behind her hand.
“This is brilliant.” Nova’s entire body shakes with a silent laugh. Her head falls back against her chair as she struggles to regain her composure. “Your brothers are going to kill him if they ever find out.”
While I understand why she’s laughing, nothing about my circumstance is funny to me. My shoulders sag and I sigh. “Well, they might kill me first.”
“That is possible.” Nova snorts. “Sleeping with the enemy is not something I can see your brothers accepting. Especially Linden and Tanner. They’ll lose their shit.”
“And not just because they hate the Mutters,” I mumble.
Hadley furrows her brow and tilts her head to the side like that will somehow help her find the hidden meaning behind my words. “What aren’t you telling us?”
I take another deep breath. This truth is even harder to admit. Saying the words out loud gives it a finality that I still don’t want to accept. “I think I’m pregnant.”
Nova chokes on the drink she was in the middle of taking and Hadley’s jaw drops. All I can do is shrug and slouch in my chair. I had hoped saying the words out loud would help calm my anxiety. But sadly, it’s had the opposite effect.
“You think?” Nova asks after she clears her throat. “Does that mean you haven’t taken a test yet?”
I shake my head. “I only just realized it this morning after the smell of coffee and bacon made me throw up. Then I realized I haven’t had a period in maybe two months. Seems like a logical conclusion.”
“Well, crap.” Hadley falls back in her chair and sighs.
Nova slaps her hand on the table and pushes to her feet. “I’ll be right back.”
“Wait. Where are you going?” I call after her. But she’s already halfway across the dining room and out the door before I get the question out. There’s a pharmacy on the other side of the parking lot, and even from this distance, I can see that’s where Nova is headed.
When I turn back around, Hadley is staring at me with a faint smile. Not a happy smile. But one of those pitying smiles that says she feels sorry for me. I hate that smile.
“Please don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you pity me. I hate pity.”
She sighs and shakes her head. “I don’t pity you. I’m just worried. But let’s not freak out until we know. Nova’s got your back.”
“Oh God.” I moan. “I don’t want to know. I’m not ready to be a mom. My family is going to hate me for this, and Christian is going to freak out.”
Hadley reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “Christian? Really?”
I jerk my hand away and frown. “Don’t. He’s not the person everyone thinks he is. He’s … actually really sweet.”
Her face contorts and she looks like I just said something far worse than I’m pregnant. “I have a hard time believing that.”
The anger that washes over me almost takes control of my emotions. I want to yell at her for judging him so harshly, but I stop myself. Her views of him are not unreasonable considering the feud between our families and his tainted history.
I take a deep breath and try to keep my voice calm. “Don’t judge him by his past or his hard exterior. It’s not who he really is.”
“Oh, my God!” Hadley gasps and covers her mouth.
“What?” I furrow my brow, not liking the look on her face. She’s seeing something that I most likely don’t want her to see.
“You love him,” she whispers.
Yep, she sees it.
“I don’t know. Maybe. Yes.” I squeeze my eyes closed and drop my head to the table. I want to lie, but it’s no use. My friends can read me like an open book. “I am so fucked,” I mumble.
“Maybe not,” Hadley says with so much hope behind her words. I can always count on her to find the bright side of any situation. In addition to being the sensitive one in our group, she’s always the hopeful optimist.
“How so?” I ask.
“Let’s wait and see what the test says. You might not be pregnant.”
“I doubt the test is going to give me that answer.”
“You don’t know that. Oh—” She reaches across the table and squeezes my arm. “Nova’s back.”
I don’t have to turn around to know she’s coming. I can feel her matching across the restaurant with purpose. She’s a dominating personality.
She steps up next to my chair and hands me a small rectangular box. “Go to the bathroom. We’ll wait here.”
“I don’t want to.” I pout.
“I get it babe.” Nova squeezes my shoulder. “But the only way we can move forward is by knowing. No matter what that test says, we’ve got you.”
I sigh and take the test from her. “You’re right. I’ll be back in a few.”
Pushing to my feet, I head to the bathroom. I take the handicap stall since it’s bigger and has its own sink.
I stare at the box for several minutes before I open it and read the instructions. Seems simple enough.
I take one more deep breath and unsnap my jeans. Whatever the answer, I can handle it. There isn’t anything I can’t handle as long as I have my friends by my side. Including this.