4. Silent bombs do the most damage.
Chapter 4
Silent bombs do the most damage.
Christian
A fter securing the exhaust pipe in place on this bike rebuild, I check the time. Another hour until we close. Too early to call it quits and not enough time to tackle another part on this bike unless I want to be working until after six.
Sometimes, I love working late in the evening. It keeps me busy and distracts my mind from my dark thoughts. Tonight, I’m not in the mood for more work, though.
But I can’t leave early, or else Liam will yell at me. I hate it when my brothers yell or lecture me like I’m a child. I get that I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but dammit, I’m a grown ass man.
Maybe there’s something I can help Sophia with to fill up an hour. I hate starting something and stopping before it’s finished. That’s a common issue with the general service we offer. Unfinished tasks always leave me on edge and anxious. I’m anxious enough as is and don’t need anything else adding to it.
My anxiety is one of the many reasons I turned to drugs as a kid. Drugs took away that anxiety. When I was high, I didn’t care about all the things that made me anxious. Hell, I didn’t care about anything when I was high. Not even my own life.
Now that I’m clean, I have to find other ways to kill the anxiety. I don’t mind general mechanic work, but custom motorcycle builds are my passion. I can lose myself for hours on a build project and never once hear that anxious voice inside me. It keeps my hands busy and dampens all those horrible nightmares competing for my attention.
The shop is quiet today. It’s just been Sophia and me here most of the day. Everyone else left early this morning for the tracks. I like Sophia, and I doubt she’d tell anyone if I left early. Knowing my luck though, Liam would come back right after I left. It’s probably best if I stay and pretend to keep busy.
Sophia is Mac’s girlfriend, my youngest brother. Liam hired her as a mechanic right before we all learned she’s a racecar driver too. Mac was in a race and got his ass handed to him by a new driver. A driver that just happened to be our new mechanic. Their romance got off to a rocky start, but now they’re inseparable.
There are three arms to Mutter Truckers Auto & Racing—general mechanic work, custom motorcycle builds, and racing. Liam rarely does the physical work anymore. He manages the business and keeps the work coming.
Sophia is our head mechanic. Mac and my second youngest brother, Ash, work under her when the workload is high. Otherwise, they primarily work on the racing side of the business. Mac races the cars, and Ash builds them under the supervision of my twin, Chase.
Chase is the expert race car builder. He’s been teaching Ash and Mac everything he knows so he can step away from the auto business. He loves helping and getting under the hood of a car, but his passion is farming. If all goes well today, Chase will be able to spend more time on our family farm, and less time in the garage or at the tracks.
Ash finished his first solo racecar build and everyone else is at the tracks to watch it in action. Liam rarely goes with them. Normally, Chase and Mac are the only ones to go, but Liam wanted to see how the car performed.
If we didn’t have to have someone at the shop, Sophia would’ve gone too. Mac offered to let her go in his place, but she insisted she stay behind.
I’ve never really been that interested in racing. I’ll watch Mac compete, but I’ve no interest in watching them test cars or practice. That’s Chase’s thing.
I love bikes. I can spend hours working on a bike and never get bored. If I’m not working on one, I’m riding one. I hate that it’s almost fall. Before long, it’ll be too cold to ride my bike. I’ll keep riding though until the snow or ice hits the ground. Then it’s back to driving my truck.
I have two other brothers who don’t work at the garage, Garret and Warren. Though they are still part owners. We all own a stake in Mutter Truckers Auto & Racing regardless of the work we do. That’s how our grandfather set the business up years ago, before any of us were even old enough to think about careers.
It just so happened that most of us wanted to work here.
Garret owns his own general contracting business. He enjoys working on cars and bikes too, just on personal projects. He prefers working away from home, which confuses the hell out of me. Out of all of us, he’s the grumpiest and least social. I’d think he’d prefer to stay home.
Warren is the smartest one of the family. He moved away for college and ended up earning his PhD in some kind of automotive engineering.
Until recently, he lived in North Carolina and worked for some top racing company. He just showed up one day, said he quit his job, and was moving home. He still hasn’t told any of us what happened and is mostly a recluse. I’ve only seen him a handful of times since his return.
“I heard the boys sent you to get the flowers for Grams’s birthday,” Sophia says.
I glance over my shoulder to find her smiling at me. “Yeah.” I shrug, not really sure where she’s going with this.
“Heard the Koch brothers showed up and tried to start something.”
“Those idiots couldn’t start something even if they were handed a how-to manual.” I grumble. “All talk. No action.”
Sophia chuckles, and I frown. I wasn’t trying to be funny. Just speaking the truth.
“I take it they didn’t stop you from ordering the flowers then?”
I furrow my brows. “Why would they?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” She places her hands on her hips and smiles at me. “Maybe because you’re a Mutter and you have a crush on their sister.”
I whip my head up so fast it makes me a little dizzy. “What?”
She chuckles. “Oh, come on. I see the way you look at her when you think no one is watching. Not to mention the way she avoids you like you don’t even exist. You’re the only Mutter she does that with.” She taps her chin and gives me a curious stare. “Why is that?”
“She doesn’t avoid me.” As soon as the words are out, they feel like a lie. Does she avoid me? I’ve never given it any thought, but it makes sense. We go out of our way to make sure our relationship remains a secret.
Sophia’s smile grows. “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”
“There is no secret,” I lie, and all she does is laugh harder.
“You’re a terrible liar.” She shakes her head and turns back toward the car she’s been working on. Then she stops and looks over her shoulder at me. “Actually, that’s not true. You’re quite good at lying. But I see through this one.”
I open my mouth to respond but am cut off by the sound of a car door slamming. We both frown as we look out the open bay door.
“You expecting someone?” she asks.
I shake my head and reach for a hand towel to wipe off the grease. Sophia waves me off and heads toward the door. “I’ll see who it is. You finish up what you’re doing.”
A few moments later, I hear Sophia’s surprised voice say, “Hey, never expected to see you here.”
“Um, I’m having trouble with my car,” a familiar female voice says. I pause and focus on the conversation.
“What’s it doing?” Sophia asks.
“I found a puddle under it when I left work. I didn’t know where else to go.” My body tenses because that’s Amelia’s voice. There’s also a hint of panic in her tone that has every nerve ending in my body on high alert. Something is wrong—very wrong—and it has nothing to do with her car.
“Okay, we can get it in and take a look. Can’t promise we can fix it today, though.” Based on Sophia’s tone, she’s not picking up on the tension in Amelia’s voice. Then again, she doesn’t know Amelia the way that I do. If Badger hurt her or even tried to, he’s not going to survive to see another day.
I start for the door, but Sophia and Lia enter before I make it a few steps.
“This shouldn’t take long,” Sophia says. She glances my way and gives me a wink and a sly grin. “There are a couple of chairs over there by Liam’s office if you want to grab a seat.”
Amelia nods and looks in the direction Sophia pointed while avoiding me. Maybe Sophia is right. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”
Amelia walks past me and sits down. I don’t miss the way her hands shake or that she can’t stop worrying her bottom lip. She only does that when Badger is around. That fucker did something, and I’m going to kill him for it. No one hurts my girl and lives to talk about it.
I look over my shoulder, and Sophia is already outside and sliding into Amelia’s car. She’ll be occupied for the next several minutes, giving me plenty of time to question Amelia.
I’m more concerned about Amelia than I am with Sophia’s suspicions, so I slowly make my way over to her.
“Lia?” Her eyes snap to mine and I don’t like the way they look. There’s fear in them. “You okay?”
I glance over my shoulder to make sure Sophia isn’t in earshot. She hasn’t even pulled the car up on the lift yet.
Turning back to Lia, I tense when to see tears welling up in her eyes. My hands itch to reach out for her and take her into my arms, but I don’t.
“Baby, you’re scaring me,” I whisper. “Please tell me everything’s okay.”
“I can’t.” Her voice cracks as she makes eye contact with me. She’s on the verge of tears and I hate it.
“Did Badger try something?” My voice drops low as my worry turns to anger.
“Oh God, Christian.” Her tears break free and run down her cheeks before she covers her face with her hands. Her shoulders shake as she loses control of her emotions.
I kneel next to her and place my hand on her knee. I no longer care if anyone sees me touching her.
“What did he do to you?” I growl.
“No!” she blurts out and snaps her head up. “This isn’t about him. This is about you and me.”
“What about us?” I furrow my brows. Fear instantly replaces my worry and I panic. As wrong as I am for her, I don’t want to lose her. “Are you here to break things off with me?”
“No! Never.” Her hand shoots out and squeezes mine. “It’s just—” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “Can we go outside? Find somewhere a little more private to talk?”
“Lia, you’re scaring me.” I admit. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”
“Please, Christian.” She glances over to where Sophia is working. She’s not exactly close, but if she focused, she could hear every word we say. “Not here.”
“Okay.” I push to my feet and look around. Sophia isn’t paying any attention to us. She may be curious about what’s going on, but she’s giving us privacy. Another reason I like Sophia.
I look out the bay door. No one is in the parking lot either. My brothers shouldn’t be back from the tracks for at least another hour. It should be safe out there.
I lean down close to her ear and whisper, “My bike is parked along the side of the building. No one will see us there. And if they do, we can pretend I’m showing it to you.”
“Okay.” She nods and wipes her face dry, but her eyes still glisten with tears.
I head out first, leading her around the workbench. There’s no way to hide that we’re going outside together. All I can do is trust Sophia to keep this to herself. If she tells Mac, everyone will know. He can’t keep his mouth shut to save his life.
I glance over at her, and she nods, indicating she’s got my back, and then disappears under the hood of Amelia’s car.
As soon as we’re around the side of the building and out of sight, I spin around and pull Amelia into my arms. I need to hold her—feel her body close to mine. “Baby, what happened?”
Instead of answering me, she buries her face in my chest and sobs. I hold her tighter and let her cry. She never cries. My girl is strong and can handle anything life throws her way. Seeing her like this is killing me.
“Please, angel,” I whisper against the side of her head. “Talk to me.”
She doesn’t answer me. It takes her a few minutes to slow her breathing before she looks up and meets my worried gaze. She’s still crying, but she seems to have a better handle on it.
She takes a deep breath and then says, “I’m pregnant.”
I hear her words, but they don’t fully register. At least not immediately. But when they do, I feel my blood turn cold. If I could see my face, it’s probably ghost white.
“Are you sure?”
She nods. “I took a test today.”
“Fuck.” I release her and run my fingers through my hair. I spin around, squeeze my eyes closed, and take several deep breaths. A panic I’ve never experienced before feeds my anxiety. My head feels faint, my chest is tight, and I can’t feel the air filling my lungs. It takes me several deep breaths to calm my pounding heart enough to truly process what she said.
I turn back around and cringe when I see the look of rejection on her face. I don’t want her to feel rejected because I’m freaking out. I tell myself to pull her into my arms—hold her, comfort, tell her everything will be okay—but I don’t. Instead, I ask, “But how? We’re careful.”
She shrugs and pushes her shoulders back like she’s trying to be strong. “I guess we weren’t careful enough.”
“Shit, Lia.” I shove my hands into my hair and tug at the strands. It does nothing to relieve the stress building inside me. “I can’t be a dad.”
She takes a step back and fists her hands at her side. “Well, I don’t know what to tell you. I am pregnant, and you are the father.”
“No, baby.” I reach for her, but she pulls away. “I didn’t mean it like that. I know I’m the father. It’s just … I’m too messed up to be a dad. I’ll fuck up a kid.”
Her expression softens, and she lets out a deep sigh. I open my arms to her and she steps back into my embrace. My anxiety calms some, but not like it usually does when I hold her.
“No, you’re not and no, you won’t,” she mumbles into my chest. “Your life hasn’t been easy, but you’re a good man. I wish you could see that.”
I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. This is probably the wrong question to ask, but I need to know what she’s thinking. “Does this mean you want to keep the baby?”
“Christian, look at me.” I shake my head, refusing to comply. She lifts her hands and cups my cheeks. I immediately feel calmer—her touch has a way of doing that to me—but I don’t open my eyes. “Look. At. Me!” Her voice is demanding in a way I rarely hear from her.
I’m powerless to refuse her. When our eyes lock, she smiles.
“We’ll figure this out. Together. But yes, I am leaning toward keeping it. How can I not want to keep what we created?” Her eyes well up with more tears and her voice cracks.
I nod, even though panic is digging its sharp claws deeper into me.
“Okay.” This time I’m the one taking a few steps back. Her hands fall off my face and I immediately miss her touch.
“Christian.” She begs. “Don’t shut me out.”
“I’m not.” My response is rushed, and I shake my head. I feel myself shutting down and I can’t do anything to stop it. My sudden urge for a hit is so powerful, it’s as if I took my last hit yesterday and my body is in the early stages of withdrawal. It’s been a long time since a craving this strong has overcome me.
“I know that look in your eyes. You’re panicking, and when you panic, you shut everyone out. Please don’t shut me out. Not now.” Her voice wobbles and her tears return.
Seeing her like this makes me feel like shit, but if I don’t get out of here, I’m going to lose it. My skin is itching, and my heart won’t slow down.
“I just need to think.” I whisper. I’m not equipped to handle this.
“Christian, please.” She reaches for me, but I step out of her reach before she can touch me. If she touches me, I’m done. I will crumble to the ground and cease to exist.
“I won’t shut you out. I promise. Just give me some time to process this. Can you do that?”
She nods, but all I see is hurt. Hurt that I’m causing. And I hate myself for it.
If she chooses to keep this baby, she’ll be tied to me for life. That will only drag her down and ruin whatever chance at happiness she deserves.
I hold her stare for a few beats before I say, “I’ll go see how Sophia is doing with your car. See you inside in a few?”
She nods again before I rush past her and head back to the garage.
I should go back to her. Hug her. Hold her close. Tell her everything will be okay.
But I can’t do any of those things. I don’t know how to be the man she needs right now.
I’m a piece of shit, and she deserves so much better than the hellish life I can provide.