Chapter 16
CHAPTER 16
Y ork, present day
‘Hello, how are you?’ said Cara.
‘Okay. You?’
‘I’ve missed you.’ Her voice was low, almost a whisper.
‘So why didn’t you answer your phone when I called you then?’ said George, his tone was light, but she detected a note of anguish. She knew him well after five hundred years.
‘Because I was upset. I mean, I am upset. You don’t want to see me, but you won’t let me go either. I don’t understand what you want from me.’ Her voice rose as her words gathered momentum.
‘I want to talk to you every day. I thought I’d explained.’
‘I feel as though I can’t be with you and can’t be without you. I don’t know what to do,’ she said.
‘Why do we have to do anything? Can’t we just enjoy things as they are for a while?’
Cara paused as she tried to quell her emotions. ‘It’s horrible not seeing you. It’s been weeks.’
‘I know. It’s not easy for me either.’
‘So why can’t we at least see each other? As soon as we get close, you push me away. We go round and round in the same old pattern. I don’t know how you expect me to deal with it.’
‘What we have is more important than sex. You mean more to me than that,’ he said.
His words stung. Her throat constricted and tears welled in her eyes.
‘Oh I see, so we won’t bother having sex again?’ she said. ‘I’ve never been rejected by anyone who supposedly loves me, as much as I have by you. I don’t get it. Don’t you want to be with me?’
‘Of course, I do. You know, I do. That’s the problem.’
‘What do you mean? I wish you would just say what you mean, for once. You talk in riddles, George. Trying to figure out what you mean and what you want is exhausting.’
A tense silence hung between them.
‘Pining for you is too hard,’ he said after a long pause. ‘That’s what happens when we see each other as we did before. I can’t do it. I will want you every day and won’t be able to have you.’
Cara closed her eyes. Intense, raw pain ripped through her heart; she feared it would consume her. She wished they were together in Tudorville; or anywhere but here in this dreadful limbo.
She tried to calm herself and said, ‘But you can have me. Don’t you find it even harder, us not seeing each other? It’s not just the sex. It’s being close to one another. I miss you.’
It was too much. Cara lost control and began to cry silently.
‘Could we just be friends for a while without seeing each other?’ he said, relentless.
His words seared her soul. After they met in the bookshop, he had been demonstrative and loving, like her husband from Tudorville, but now he had sealed his heart. He had made up his mind, and she knew nothing would move him. Cara was gripped by white-hot anger, the type she had never experienced before.
Why must he insist on being so stubborn? I could shake him.
‘After what we’ve shared, it’s beyond me how you think that’s possible. Do you really think what we have is only friendship?’
‘No. I didn’t say that. But I think it’s the best we can have now, in the circumstances. I’d rather have that than nothing. I want you in my life.’ His voice was hard and flat, devoid of the customary lilt she loved so much.
Cara swallowed, her throat thick with tears.
‘I’ve got lots of friends. You’re deluded if you think this is friendship. Is this how you feel about your other friends? Do you call them every chance you get to talk for hours? Do you have sex with your other friends?’ Her rage spilt forth, and she struggled to process what he said. She almost screamed with frustration. ‘This is crazy. I can’t do this friends thing you keep talking about.’
‘Cara, please slow down. Try to understand.’
‘You didn’t want to slow down in Seville, did you?’
‘I’m sorry. Things have moved on since then.’
‘How? How have they moved on? We’re both still here, hanging on the phone, wanting each other. What the hell has changed?’
‘It’s difficult to say. Maybe things will be different in the future, but right now, I need some time to figure things out.’
‘Great, you need time. I’ll give you all of the time you need. Get in touch when you want to see me again.’
‘Right. Okay, I see. Got it.’
The hurt in his voice was too much for her to stand. The tears slid down her cheeks, and the salty liquid splashed on to her lips.
‘Don’t you see? I can’t live in the grey like this. It’s too difficult. How am I supposed to do this if we’re together but not really together?’
George’s voice softened, ‘I’m sorry. I’m doing everything I can not to hurt you. I’ve put you in an impossible situation. I know that. It’s not your fault.’
‘Other people leave their marriages when they fall in love with someone else. There’s no reason why you can’t, other than you don’t really want to. You want to have us both. I don’t blame you. It’s the perfect arrangement for you.’
Her words sprang out like sharp arrows, but even as they hit their target, she was sorry. She hated hurting him, but it was too much for her to handle. This time it was finally over. Let him be with his bloody Joanna in this life if that’s what he wanted. She was done waiting for him: she would walk away for good now. He was her husband five hundred years ago; that would have to do. In Tudorville he was still hers as long as she could save him from the gallows.
‘I can’t do this anymore. I have to go now,’ she said, wishing she could run away and hide like a wounded animal.
‘No, Car, wait. Don’t go like that.’
‘I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.’ She pressed the end call button on her phone and stood sobbing in the same spot for a long time. She had no spark left in her.
Later that night, Cara lay on her bed, mentally exhausted, staring into space, unseeing. She had replayed their conversation in her head, repeatedly, until she’d worn herself out.
It was no good. He obviously wasn't that bothered because she hadn’t heard from him again. This time it was truly over. Usually, he pushed her away and then pulled her straight back again. It had been like that ever since the day they met in the bookshop. They each had the knack of tugging at one another’s heartstrings.
She switched the light off and drew the quilt up to her chin for comfort, like a child. She wished she could sleep and turn her thoughts off as instantly as she did the lamp. She was desperate for sleep. None came.
Finally, she drifted into a restless doze. At three in the morning, she awoke to a black wave of loss and dread. What had she done? Why was she so headstrong and impulsive? She didn’t want to be without him. A future without him was inconceivable. She tasted the panic in her mouth; the heaviness crushed her chest and made it difficult to breathe.
She checked her phone—still no word from George. The past few months had a nightmarish quality. She tried to stop thinking by forcing herself back to sleep. Sleep eventually came, and she forgot everything for a merciful few hours.
The alarm sounded, and she reached to hit the snooze button on her phone. Another wave of despair hit her as consciousness seeped in. There were some messages. Her spirits soared. He did care.
‘Please don’t do this. We will find a way. What I wanted to say came out all wrong yesterday. I’m sorry. Can we talk today?’
She was lost in a maze with no way out. But she didn’t want a way out; she loved him. Each time she decided to end it, he said or did something which made her love him even more. She reasoned, if he didn’t want her as much as she wanted him, surely he wouldn’t keep pulling her back. This wasn’t the easy option for either of them. It was like being spun in a washing machine on a manic, never-ending cycle. They were locked in and couldn’t open the door.
Cara’s heart soared for the first time in days as she closed her eyes, exhausted from all of the conflicting emotions. He was like a drug. She sank into a blissful sleep as relief washed over her. She hadn’t lost him. When they were at peace, all was right in her world. None of this made any logical sense, but she had no strength left to fight these powerful feelings.
York, 1536
A young servant girl rushed down to the basement, letter in hand. She had been sworn to secrecy about the mysterious residents who were below stairs, as was the entire household. Any news was exciting for the bowels of the earth inhabitants, but Cara leapt off the chair with anticipation and had to stop herself from snatching the letter from the girl’s hand. It must be from George. It was as though she’d been waiting months to hear from him again, but it had only been five days since the previous letter; five agonising days.
It was difficult being cooped up in the basement, keeping the children occupied. They were used to spending a lot of time outdoors on the Willow Manor estate. May missed Nutmeg and kept begging to return home in between bouts of tears.
‘Come along children, it’s time for today’s lessons,’ said Edward. ‘Let’s give your mother some peace and quiet. Just because we’re not in the schoolroom, doesn’t mean you’re excused from your studies, you know.’
‘But we too want to hear news of Father,’ May complained.
‘You’ll hear soon enough, come now, you’ll see your mother again after we’ve done a bit of French.’
May sighed and grumbled before she settled down on a blanket on the floor next to Thomas. Rays of sun streamed in from the one high window, casting a warm pool of light on the children’s shiny heads.
Please let him be well, prayed Cara.
She opened and unfolded the letter and scanned the words on the thick, heavy parchment. The sight of George’s bold, black handwriting immediately soothed her frightened soul.
There is good news, my darling. My request has been granted. I know you will wish to set out immediately, but I ask you to wait a little longer. You must have patience. I’ve been informed it’s a dangerous season to travel. I’ll send a letter or get word to you again somehow as soon as it’s clear. In the meantime, rest, and prepare yourselves for a long and arduous journey. Please don’t take any risks because the timing is critical.
As always, your loving husband (IAS).
He knew her well. She was impatient and disappointed that they couldn’t already be on their way. The note implied they would be given safe haven at one of King James V’s homes. She imagined it might be Stirling Castle in Scotland. That would explain the reference to the long journey. She sought out Sir John Locke.
‘Sir John, I’ve had a letter from my husband. He alludes to the roads being more dangerous than normal and bids me wait until we hear from him again before setting out to join him. The good news is King James has granted us asylum.’
Oh, that’s wonderful news indeed, my dear, Lady Cara. I’m sure you and your family can’t wait to escape from my dreadful basement. I’m only sorry we can’t offer you more comfortable accommodation in the main house.’
‘Your hospitality is most generous, and we are not unaware of the great risk you incur by hosting us in this way. Please don’t apologise. You have been more than generous. There is one thing, Sir John.’
‘Yes? Anything I can help you with, simply ask.’
‘Do you have any idea as to why it’s more dangerous to travel to Berwick-Upon-Tweed now, as opposed to at other times?’
‘Strange you should ask today because I had word only this morning that King Henry and a small band of courtiers are on early summer progress. It’s not the full court, but a sizeable group nonetheless. I imagine George has heard the news and doesn’t want to take any chances that you’ll bump into them on your way.’
‘I see, yes that makes perfect sense. Thank you. It looks as though we’ll be on your hands for a few more days yet until we get a sign that it’s safe to leave.’
York, present day
Sylvia embraced Cara in a warm hug. ‘How are you? I’ve been wondering when you’d come and see me again.’
‘Thank you, Sylvia. I’ve meant to book in with you for a while as you’re the only person I can talk to about this craziness.’
‘Wasn’t Professor Eddie Makepeace helpful?’
‘Oh no, I mean, oh, yes. He’s a wonder. Thank you so much for introducing me to him. He’s a great help, and he’s already taught me so much about time travel. It turns out we were close friends back in Tudorville. Sounds unbelievable, I know. But I haven’t confided in him about my relationship with George. It’s all too emotional and delicate. I haven’t discussed the Twin Flame stuff with anyone but you. Not even George.’
‘Yes, I can’t imagine the professor being all that useful in matters of the heart. He’s probably more interested in his experiments.’
‘Exactly. He’s asked me to assist him in his research. He wants to catapult me to the future so we can save the world. Nothing too major! As if I don’t have enough to deal with!’ Cara laughed.
Sylvia smiled and raised her eyes heavenwards.
‘The thing is, I just don’t know what to do about George. Everything is wonderful between us back then, but in the present, we fluctuate between heaven and hell. One minute he can’t get enough of me, and the next he’s distant and won’t even see me.’
‘Sounds pretty run of the mill behaviour for Twin Flames.’
‘Really? I haven’t known anything like it before. I get angry and hurt every time he does it. Just as I think I understand him, he withdraws, and I go ballistic. I’ve never behaved so erratically.’
‘Nothing surprises me with Twin Souls. It’s typically hot, emotional and very messy. . .but beautiful too, which is, of course, what makes it impossible to walk away. You won’t experience that type of intensity with anyone else, now or in the future. He is the one for you. I found it infuriating with my husband too, at times.’
‘Infuriating, yes, that’s exactly it!’ said Cara
‘Shall we pull some cards for you, my dear?’
‘Oh yes please, that would be good.’
Sylvia beckoned for Cara to take a seat as she busied herself shuffling her decks.
‘I’m using my favourite Tarot Deck and Angel Oracle Cards.’
Cara crossed and uncrossed her legs as she shifted about on the plush, green chair. What if she didn’t like what she heard? What were Angel Oracle Cards? They sounded a bit woo-woo.
Hmmm, like my whole life isn’t completely woo-woo. . .
‘What specific question would you like to ask of the cards?’ said Sylvia.
Cara focused with difficulty. ‘It’s a little embarrassing, but I’m just going to say it because it’s been on my mind so much lately. I’d like to know if he really loves me; I mean in the present day. I know he loved me five hundred years ago, but I’m uncertain how he feels about me here and now.’
‘Okay. Right. Well, I can promise you he loves you deeply, without looking at the cards, based on your past reading, but let’s see what the cards reveal to us today. Please tell me when to stop.’
Cara allowed several seconds to pass as she watched Sylvia shuffle the glossy coloured cards before placing each one face down on the table, in a pile.
‘Now,’ said Cara.
‘And tell me when to stop again,’ said Sylvia.
They repeated the process until there were three cards, face down, in a row.
Sylvia turned them over, one by one.
‘So we’ve got Temperance, Five Of Cups and True Love.
‘This is an interesting combination. I love this spread for you.’
Cara smiled. ‘Is it good? I do hope so—it feels as though I’ve been in turmoil for months.’
‘Temperance, from the Tarot, indicates this is a time that requires great patience. Your higher self is now coming into play, be guided and take your time. What you dream of will be realised when you exercise self-control.’
‘What does it mean for George and me do you think?’
‘The Twin Flame journey is about both of you having spiritual lessons to learn before you reach your next level of consciousness. This is the sole purpose for you being reunited in this life. The more you struggle, the more you push away your inevitable union. I read Temperance as a sign to accept that you are counterparts and that you must trust your union will come to pass.’
Cara nodded. Yes, it made sense. Not for the first time, she resolved to be more patient with George. . . and with herself. She wished he would be more patient with her too. He could be tough.
‘Five of Cups is a fascinating one. It means you’ve suffered a loss or disappointment which certainly seems to be true, given what you’ve told me. The message is to not focus on disappointment; it will only deepen the loss. Moderate your actions with self-control, and by not allowing disappointments to dampen your spirit, you’ll move forward with greater ease.
As for your question about whether George loves you now, Five Of Cups symbolises a broken marriage. You did say he is married?’
Cara nodded.
Sylvia’s words didn’t shock her. It had been evident to her all along that his marriage to Joanna wasn’t sustainable, no matter how he clung to the status quo. He was supposed to be married to her in this life too, like in Tudorville. It was a dreadful mix up, like picking up the wrong grocery bag and taking it home by mistake.
‘The True Love card also verifies what you already know. This is the romance of a lifetime, or in the case of you and George, the romance of multiple lifetimes. Stop doubting his feelings for you. He’s involved in an internal battle which although you think is all about your relationship, actually isn’t. That battle is already over.’
‘It doesn’t feel like it,’ said Cara.
‘There was never any doubt how it would end. He already knows on a soul level, you are meant for each other, but he obviously doesn’t remember your past life as you do. He’s now involved in a battle where he’s fighting with his idea of who he is and what people will think of him if he dares to follow his heart. In this type of intense partnership, the outcome is inevitable. There’s nothing either of you can do to stop your feelings for one another. The less you try to control circumstances, the easier it will be. George must learn his lesson, his way, as you are learning yours.’
‘Okay,’ said Cara.
Her head was spinning.
‘Have you got any more questions?’
‘Yes, I’d like to know what will happen if I end it with him. It feels as though there’s a hole where my heart should be when we’re not connected. Sometimes the pain is so intense I’d rather die than feel it. But I struggle to be in touch with him when it seems like there’s no future and he won’t see me. And then I hurt him as well as myself.’
‘That would be a brilliant question if you were in charge of ending it. It’s difficult to understand when we try to plan our relationships logically,’ said Sylvia with a knowing smile.
‘I’m not sure I understand what you mean,’ said Cara, puzzled.
Temperance and True Romance cards highlighted the need for you both to let go of trying to control circumstances. Each of you is fighting to gain control of the steering wheel. The reason you keep butting heads is that there is no wheel! Neither of you can control the destiny which you pre-ordained, together, thousands of years ago. You are both light-workers, here to raise the consciousness of the planet as counterparts. Once you let go of the controls and get out of the way, events will unfold as they are supposed to. It will work out in a way that you probably can’t even imagine now. You will be together. There’s no other outcome.’
‘I wish I could be as certain as you sound,’ said Cara.
‘One final thing,’ said Sylvia.
‘Yes?’
‘Either of you can try to end it as many times as you like, but it won’t work. It’s impossible to end a Twin Flame connection. That’s why you haven’t been able to do it. It’s nothing to do with doing the right thing. You are the right thing. Remember, you’ve been together for five hundred years. There could be a period where you both try to end it repeatedly. You may manage for a while, but he will be back in your life. That much I can promise you.’
‘I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry,’ said Cara.
‘Be grateful Cara; most people never experience a Twin Flame love. You got the True Love card for a reason.’
As Cara left Sylvia’s office, quiet contentment settled upon her like a soft, snug cape and she was soothed for the first time in weeks. She resolved to do her best to take Sylvia’s advice and give up trying to finish with him. It was out of her hands.
Surely he must remember soon, and he would see how ridiculous it was for them not to be together.