Uncharted Territory

19. Emma

19

Emma

T he next morning, Garrett is spared from endless stories of Purrnando’s hilarious exploits by my desperation to get out on the water and catch a real wave.

I scarf down a banana and make a beeline straight to the water with my surfboard. I’m determined to learn to surf before our trip is over. Really learn to surf…not just bob around on a board all day.

I paddle out and sit up on my board, waiting for a wave to come in. The ocean doesn’t cooperate. The gentle ripples it’s sending my way are hardly worth the effort of trying to stand up on my board, but I stubbornly try anyway. Again and again. I fall off every single time. On the plus side, I’m getting a great workout. My abs, arms, and thighs are all on fire by mid-morning.

Katie seems to be keeping her distance from me today. She’s giving Garrett a wide berth as well. I try my best not to wonder what might have happened between them last night to cause such a change as I float around in the water.

By lunchtime, I’m getting frustrated. When I don’t head back to shore to eat with everyone else, Garrett paddles out to talk to me.

“Don’t you want some lunch?” he asks, looking like the Greek god of neoprene with wet tendrils of hair framing his blue eyes.

I shake my head, dragging my gaze reluctantly away from his wet lips.

Garrett runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back from his face. “Emma, you should take a break. You’re going to wear yourself out.”

I stare out into the distance at the waves that never quite seem to reach me. “I just want to stand up on one wave before we leave.”

Garrett’s eyes linger on my face. He sucks in a sharp breath then pushes it out with an irritated sigh. “Alright, come on.”

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“Over there.” Garrett points off in the distance where the waves seem to collect near a large cove.

I glance nervously at Garrett then towards the shoreline where everyone else is eating lunch. “Are we allowed?”

“I doubt anyone is going to stop us.”

That’s probably true. No one is paying any attention to us. Katie is very pointedly trying not to notice us. Everyone else is chatting and stuffing their faces with food on the shore.

Before I can actually agree, Garrett starts paddling away. I follow behind him, trying my best to keep up.

When we arrive at the cove, Garrett sits up on his board. I follow suit, immediately noticing how different the water feels here. We both bob up and down as the waves build beneath us.

“Show me how you’ve been popping up,” Garrett says.

Awkwardly, I lay down on my board again and clasp my hands around the sides. I prepare to hop up, already bracing myself for the subsequent fall.

“Okay, wait,” Garrett commands, inching closer to me in the water. “Grip the board here.” He grabs my hand and slides it down the board until he’s happy with the placement. I mimic the movement with my other hand. “When you feel the wave right behind you, try to plant your feet here and here,” he continues, gesturing dangerously close to my breasts and my butt. “Got it?”

I nod.

“Here comes a good one,” Garrett warns, glancing over my head.

I start paddling forward. When I feel the wave beneath me, I push up and try to put my feet right where Garrett told me to. For a fraction of a second, I think it might have worked. Then my board tilts forward and I fly off. I hate this part. The feeling of my body slamming against the water. The wave pushing me under so far that I begin to doubt my ability to swim back to the surface. Honestly, I don’t know how many more falls I can take. It’s getting to me. Frustration rattles around under my skin. If holding my breath wasn’t absolutely critical right now, I’d scream a swear word or two. Instead, I kick my way to the surface. As soon as the fresh air hits my lungs, a hand curls around my arm, holding me securely above the water.

“You good?” Garrett asks.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was actually worried. Of course, he’s still my boss and this is still a work trip. It would be one hell of a liability for the company if I drowned.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I pant.

Good, but defeated. It feels like that last wave swept away all of my determination.

I stubbornly avoid looking directly at Garrett when I announce, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

“One more,” he says. “Let’s paddle out again.”

“Garrett…”

“One more. I know what you’re doing wrong now.”

“What?” I ask with an exasperated sigh.

“You’re popping up at the right time but you’re not letting go soon enough. It’s throwing off your balance. You need to trust your legs more. Trust your body to balance on the board; it’ll come naturally if you just let go.”

I nod and we paddle back out. Once we’re a good distance from shore, I start to sit up, but Garrett stops me.

“Stay down. There’s a good wave coming,” he says, staring off in the distance and absentmindedly pressing his hand to my back. As soon as he notices, he pulls away. “I’m going to paddle over there to give you some space. You got this, okay?”

Nervously, I start paddling and wait until I feel the wave approaching. Just like the millions of times before this, I start to pop up when I hear Garrett shouting, “Let go! Let go!” in the distance.

It feels all wrong. My hands don’t want to uncurl from the sides of the board, but Garrett’s voice is just enough to startle them into compliance. For a second, I’m sure that I’m about to wipe out. Hard. Then somehow…I don’t. I stand there in complete shock and awe as the wave carries me. I don’t know how far. Honestly, I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do after the standing up part. I’ve never gotten close enough to wonder. But it doesn’t matter. I’m on a freakin’ wave. In the ocean. Never in a million years did I think that I would be able to say that.

Naturally, I wipe out a second later, but even that makes me feel cooler than I ever have in my whole life. I surfed. I freakin’ surfed! A whole wave!

When I emerge from the water, the shore is much closer than it’s ever been before. And there’s Garrett…looking just as excited as I feel.

Adrenaline courses through my veins. My heart is soaring up there with the seagulls. And god only knows where my brain is when I run straight into Garrett’s arms.

“You did it!” he says as his arms wrap around me. We’re both soaking wet, but neither of us cares.

“That was so awesome,” I say, practically vibrating with excitement.

His beard tickles my cheek. His breath grazes my neck. His palm slides up my back and pulls me a little tighter. We stay that way a few seconds too long.

Actually, is there any appropriate length of time for hugging your boss? Probably not. Especially when you’re both soaking wet and wearing skin-tight clothing.

“Sorry,” I say as I pull away.

Garrett looks like he wants to say something but presses his lips together into a tight line instead. It’s the look in his eyes that gives him away though – the same look he gave me in the hotel room that night.

“You did great,” he finally says.

“I want to go again.” I’m practically sprinting toward the water when I feel him reach for my arm.

“Wait,” he says with a hint of a laugh. “What have you eaten today?”

“A banana.”

“Okay, lunch first…then we can stay out on the water for the rest of the day if you want.”

Despite my excitement, I know Garrett is right. If I don’t eat something, I won’t have the energy to keep going. We walk back to the campsite in near silence. There isn’t much food left since we’re late for lunch, but we manage to throw together a couple of simple sandwiches.

Before taking a seat at the picnic table, I unzip my wetsuit and peel it off down to my waist. It’s something I wouldn’t dream of doing normally, especially in front of my boss, but I’m feeling good about myself lately. I feel healthier and stronger than I have in a long time. And even though it’s imperceptible to anyone but me, I can see the start of some new muscle tone in my arms and legs. I may not look as good as Katie does in this wetsuit, but I love my body and all that it’s helped me accomplish on this trip.

And Garrett doesn’t seem to object. In fact, I think he chokes on his sandwich a little as I slide the top of my wetsuit off to reveal my yellow bathing suit top.

Speaking of Katie…she’s definitely keeping one eye on Garrett now that he’s back on dry land. She floats on top of her surfboard in the distance, a little closer to shore than everyone else. When I look over at her, she quickly turns away and pretends to pay attention to the rest of the group.

I take a big bite of my sandwich and ponder this. Something’s changed. Before I went to bed last night, Katie and Garrett were looking awfully cozy at the picnic table. Admittedly, it stung a little, even though it shouldn’t have. Garrett and I had one little slip up. Even if things have changed between us on this trip, it doesn’t mean anything. It can’t mean anything. Maybe I’ve just softened a little to him because I know I won’t have to put up with him much longer. Maybe I’m just feeling a little nostalgic. But no matter what happens or how I feel, I won’t change my mind: when this trip is over, I’m announcing my resignation. A couple of decent weeks with Garrett doesn’t undo the eleven months of hell I’ve gone through with him.

Feeling emboldened by this fact, I blurt out, “Did something happen with you and Katie last night?”

Garrett tenses up and clears his throat. “No,” he replies firmly.

I shoot him a skeptical look.

“She asked if I wanted to stay in her cabin,” he admits, looking annoyed.

My stomach drops. I force down another bite of my sandwich to distract myself from whatever this is I’m feeling.

Garrett watches me carefully.

“You could have, you know,” I finally say without looking at him. “What happened at the hotel, it wasn’t – it didn’t mean anything.”

He nods tightly. “I know.”

Apparently, my stomach only dropped to make room for my heart to free fall. It’s pathetic, I know. The guy kisses me once then immediately rejects me, and I’m over here acting like a heartbroken teenager. I’m not even sure that I like Garrett North on a basic human level, much less feel anything grander for him. And to be fair, he’s just agreeing with what I said.

But it’s not just this trip that’s making me feel a little bolder – it’s Garrett. If someone like him wants to kiss me in a dark hotel room, maybe someone else will want to kiss me, too.

For the last eleven months, I’ve told myself I don’t have time for love. I’ve claimed that I’m too busy with work, tending to my asshole boss’s every demand. The truth though is that it’s been a hell of a lot longer than eleven months since I’ve made any attempt to put myself out there. I’m so used to being alone that I don’t even remember how to let anyone else in. It’s not like I’ve ever had any real practice. There’s never been anyone serious. Never anyone who fought for me. Never anyone who didn’t find an excuse to leave the second that things were less than perfect. And after a lifetime of never feeling good enough – even for my own mother and sister – it’s hard to convince myself that anyone has a reason to stick around. It’s hard to believe that anyone would choose me over the millions of other women out there.

So, no…it’s not about Garrett. Not exactly, anyway. I’m just tired of doubting myself. Of always being lonely because I don’t really know how to let go of my insecurities and put myself out there.

Even the phrase ‘putting yourself out there’ is lost on me. It reminds me of a curb alert: Free to good home. One twenty-eight-year-old female. Comes with cat and sewing machine.

After lunch, Garrett and I go back to the cove and paddle out. We don’t say much. He’s back to his quiet, grumpy self, but that suits me fine. This is the Garrett that I’m used to.

By sunset, I’ve caught three more decent waves, and I’m feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I don’t even argue when Garrett says that we need to head back to the shore or risk becoming shark bait.

I plop down in the sand and untether myself from my board. Garrett takes a seat beside me and follows suit.

“I’m going to stay here for a while,” I tell him.

“Okay.”

Instead of leaving, Garrett settles in, propping his knees up in front of him and letting his arms rest on top of them. It’s truly unfair how good he looks dripping wet with a light dusting of sand on him, squinting into the sunset.

After a long silent stretch, I quietly ask him, “Are you sending me home tomorrow?”

I feel like a broken record. We had this exact conversation in Utah after our failed bike tour.

There are only two tours left: a spelunking trip in Oregon, and a five-day backcountry hike in Yellowstone. Mentally, I’m excited to see new places and push myself to try new things. Physically, I’m pretty sure I can handle almost anything (besides biking, which I have sworn off forever). But emotionally, I don’t know if I can handle another week with Garrett. Things have gotten so complicated between the two of us on this trip. He’s hot and cold in the same breath. The easiest thing to do would be to cut and run then hand him my two-week notice once he gets back to the office.

After that, Garrett North won’t be my problem anymore.

“It’s up to you,” he finally says.

Well, that’s new. Since when is any of this up to me? Just a couple of days ago, Garrett was pretty intent on reminding me that ‘this is a work trip’ and ‘he’s the boss.’ It sure didn’t sound like I had much say in the matter back then.

I bite back the urge to point all of this out to Garrett. I’m so tired of fighting with him.

Maybe going back to Denver is the right choice.

“I regret this already!” I yelp.

The harness digs into my thighs painfully as I’m yanked to an abrupt stop. Great, now I’m dangling helplessly over a weird, dark hole in the earth. I squint into the harsh light above me as the instructor cranes his head over the side.

“Are you okay, ma’am?”

I don’t know what I hate more: spelunking or being called ‘ma’am.’ Considering that my life is in this man’s hands right now, I don’t dare correct him.

“I’m okay,” I confirm. “It just feels an awful lot like being flung into the depths of hell. But it’s fine…I think. Just keep going please.” Let’s just get this over with.

Somewhere in the darkness below, the devil laughs. When they lowered Garrett into a giant hole in the earth a few minutes before me, he made it look easy. Technically, I guess it is. All I have to do is cling to this harness and hope it doesn’t give out before I reach the bottom. That’s easy…right?

My descent begins again. I squeeze my eyes shut. It’s not like there’s much to look at anyway. Just some dirt walls and a whole lot of darkness. Probably a worm or a spider in there somewhere. Perfect.

Don’t think about spiders. Don’t think about spiders.

Suddenly, my toes scrape against the ground. I peel my eyelids open one at a time and find myself standing at the bottom of a cave.

“Let’s get you out of this harness,” the other tour guide says. He starts unbuckling straps and removing them before I have any time to react.

It seems like a weird way to do things. Why bother taking it off? In a few minutes, we’ll just have to climb back into the harness to get airlifted out of this literal hellhole.

Once I’m free from the harness, the guide directs me to take a few steps back to make room for the next person.

“So, what’d you think?” Garrett asks.

I glance over at him but can’t make out his features in the dark.

“Dumb,” I say.

Garrett’s laugh echoes through the cave. “I’ll be sure to include that in my official report.”

“Please do.”

“Anything else you’d like me to add?”

“Nope, just dumb. What’s the point of this? Dangling there with an uncomfortable harness molesting you while some guy lowers you into a pitch black hole? How is this fun or ‘outdoorsy’ or whatever?” I make air quotes that neither of us can see very well.

Honestly, I might be panicking a little. Small, dark places are not my thing. At all.

Claustrophobia is a lovely little souvenir from my summer at fat camp. I thought I could handle a few minutes at the bottom of a dark cave. If for no other reason, to prove to Garrett that I made the right decision by not going home early. But I’m second guessing that assertion at the moment. My skin feels clammy. My pulse is racing. And even though my eyes haven’t adjusted enough to even see my own hand right in front of my face, I’m looking around like an emergency exit door might randomly appear.

“Well, there’s also the spiders,” Garrett says with a laugh.

Damnit.

“Was I chanting that out loud?” I ask.

“Yep.”

Oh, good.

Can’t we just go back to surfing? I may not be a pro, but at least I was getting better at that. There were even a couple of times I felt cool when I was out there on the water. Something tells me my cool points evaporated into thin air when I fearfully chanted Don’t think about spiders while being lowered butt first into this god forsaken hole.

Eventually, the last person from our group is lowered to the bottom. The second guide tells us all to turn on our headlamps and walk a short distance into the cave.

“Okay, everyone,” he says, turning around to face the group, “now we’re all going to turn off our lights so we can experience true cave darkness.”

No, thank you.

One by one, the lights around me go out. The light strapped to my head dances around frantically, blinding everyone in the process.

“Do you need help with your light?” Garrett asks quietly.

“No,” I whisper-shout defiantly as I stand frozen in place.

Garrett presses his palm to my shoulder and turns me to face him. He squints when my light shines directly into his face. Then his hands are on me. One hand cupping my jaw with his fingers planted at the base of my neck. It almost feels romantic until he reaches up to switch off my light, which involves pressing a large button that is strapped to my forehead.

“Ow,” I whisper as the plastic digs into the front of my skull.

“You’re fine, just hold still,” he says, bracing my head a little harder with his opposite hand until the light clicks off.

Darkness washes over us. When Garrett’s hand disappears, it leaves me feeling a little dizzy. I need something to hold onto. Something to touch. I almost reach for him, but then I think better of it and keep my arms pinned stiffly to my sides. We’ve had enough awkward encounters already on this trip. Knowing me, I’d probably accidentally reach for his crotch.

It feels like we’ve all been standing here in the darkness forever.

My heart is beating so hard, I can feel it in my eyeballs. I squeeze my eyes shut again and wait for it to pass. My hands start to shake, so I ball them into fists at my sides. It doesn’t help.

Something’s wrong. Too much time has passed. How long has it been? Five minutes? Ten?

My shaky hand reaches out for something. Anything.

“Alright, folks, let’s get those headlamps back on,” the guide says.

The cave lights up just in time for Garrett to see me pawing for him in the dark.

Yep, negative cool points for me.

His brow dips in confusion. He studies my face for a second then presses his lips into a frown.

My fingers fumble for the button on my headlamp. As soon as it switches on, I take a few steps back towards the area we came from. I’m more than ready to be air lifted out of this place. Apparently, my claustrophobia hasn’t waned over the years. Lesson learned. Time to go.

But, to my absolute horror, no one seems to follow me.

A bright light shines in my eyes up ahead. It’s the other instructor. What’s he doing down here? Shouldn’t he be up there getting ready to hoist us all up?

“Are – aren’t we going back up now?” I turn to ask Garrett.

He shakes his head slowly, looking almost sympathetic. “It’s a two-mile hike out the other side.”

“You mean… through the cave ?”

Garrett’s eyes flick over my face. His mouth presses into a straight line. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Of course,” I say a little too quickly. “I’m fine. I’m great.”

It’s only two miles. I can handle two miles. I hiked nine impossible miles out of the Grand Canyon. Two is nothing. It’ll be over in the blink of an eye, which is great news since I’d prefer to keep mine closed until I’m safely out of this cave.

I take a deep breath, straighten up my spine, and march past Garrett to follow the group further into this dumb, dark cave.

This will be fine…I think.