Under the Texas Sky

CHAPTER 24

TRENT

Journal Entry- Day 523

Hi Freckles,

I caved. I clicked the button I’ve told myself I'm not going to click. But, my need to see you is too tempting to pass up.

There’s a lot of pictures, so many more than I originally imagined, and trust me, I imagined you a lot. But my brain doesn’t have the ability to draw your perfectly pouty lips and bright green eyes from memories alone.

The pictures hurt, worse than I thought. Not because you’re naked, but because it really hit me today that I don’t know you anymore.

I don’t know if you use the same floral shampoo that you used to love so much. I don’t know if you like listening to K-POP with the windows down. Do you still prefer physical affection over gifts? Do you still sleep in that shirt I gave you in high school when your brain gets too loud?

I know the hurt I’m feeling now is nothing compared to what I put you through, but goddamnit. Every time my heart pumps blood in my veins, it feels like the veins are being sliced open and drained. My heart works overtime to keep it flowing, but nothing stops it.

I don’t know what to do without you. Everywhere I go, there’s a memory of you. Hell, I even live in the apartment we once shared because I couldn’t part with something that once belonged to you.

Your stuff is still in the drawers. And your mirror full of sticky notes has spread to the walls, because not only do I write a letter to you everyday, I have pads of sticky notes around the apartment so I can write one whenever inspiration hits.

It’s not poetry, not like it used to be. I can’t write the flowery words of love anymore, because I don’t have my muse. My sad ramblings are kept to this journal. Well, I guess this one and the other one I filled to the brim. I have that one stored in your shoe box under the bed. The one you thought I never knew about. But I guess I’m ready to spill some more secrets.

I knew about the box from the first time you put the dried flower petals in there. I knew you kept them, and that you were keeping pictures of us and little notes I wrote you stored in there safely.

Sometimes, while you were sleeping, I would pull the box out and look at the pictures. Staring at your face in every one and comparing it to the man lying in our bed, never understanding how I got so fucking lucky to have someone like you love me.

I don’t know if you ever noticed, but sometimes there would be different letters in there. Ones that I would write to you and I would leave them tucked under the rest as a little surprise. You never called me out on it, so I kept doing it.

I love you and I miss you. Every day is hard without you, and it’s getting even harder. Mitch is getting sick, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been good at comforting people.

That’s always been your forte. He says he’s fine, but Ki. He’s not. And I’m so scared. I can’t lose him, too.

I wish you would come back. I know it’s so selfish, but it’s times like these I need you the most.

My therapist, yes I see a therapist now, tells me that holding onto something for this long isn’t good for me. But I can’t let you go, and as much as she tries to get me to see the reasons it would be better for both of us, I can’t rationalize it in my brain.

I know you would like her a lot, though. She’s hilarious and she keeps me humble. The first few sessions were touch and go, because I didn’t understand why I needed to see a therapist. What was she going to tell me that I didn’t already know myself?

But you would be surprised. It’s deeper than I expected it to be. It’s not asking me what decisions I have made, but what influenced me to make them. Digging deep into my mind is hard, it always has been, but it’s been good for me.

I can see now that I was toxic. Fuck, I probably still am, but I’m working on it. A toxic friend, a toxic lover, and a toxic human. I’m learning though, and everyday I’m working on being better.

Karuna, my therapist, knows a lot about you. Probably too much, and I’m sorry about that.

I’m not going to beg you to come home, because I know that the life you’re living now is so much better than the one I could have given you. But sometimes, I wish really hard on the stars in the night sky that you’re thinking about me, if only for a moment.

I love you. Yesterday. Today. Always.

Yours forever,

Trent.